off. season.
i keep thinking that i've conquered my insecurities. and then they come raging back. blow-the-door-off-its-hinges back. and i write and i write and i write. i write journal entries here. i write in notebooks by hand. i type and type and type. i can't seem to figure this one out.
am i really that mean?
am i really a bitch?
what does that mean...to be a 'bitch'?...
opinionated?
strong-willed?
expressive?
loud?
unwilling to help you justify your mistakes?
willing to let it be known how i feel like i deserve to be treated?
aggressive?
a lot of energy?
in a very awful email that jen wrote me. she said: you are the epitome of the girl who screams loudest wins.
i'd never heard that allegory before. i'm not sure its real. it makes me wonder tho. my closest friends are saying things to me that are alarmingly similar to the statement above.
i just got a pit in my stomach. literally. i had to stop typing for a few minutes and try and flesh that one out in my head. i'm having a serious identity crisis. how much of that is the looming graduation? how much of that is coming home from dublin? how much of that is feeling desperately alone?
and i'm not talking about alone...like...oh i need a relationship alone. i'm talking about desolate lonliness. when you're crying and its 4am and you need to talk. and your list comes up short. and then you do call. and no one answers. that kind of alone. that hasn't happened in a very long time.
i work hard. i play hard. i don't have time for bullshit. i am lonely and scared and no one is coming to my rescue. i'm losing my faith in people. i don't know how many other ways i can ask for a little help here.
i wish i could not care. i wish i could really be as callous and mean as people keep telling me i am. i wish i could genuinely do it. just stop caring about all these fucking people. certainly i've been nothing but disappointed.
i feel like i left for three months and all my friends forgot who i was. i'm pretty sure this is my new mantra. i feel like i say it once a day.
i've had a very contemplative week. weak. week. i got away for a short while on saturday. and then came back and last night just didn't help anything.
and now. its 3:30. i have class at 9:30. i still have about 4 hours of work to do.
the lack of sleep is certainly not helping my mood.
am i really that mean?
am i really a bitch?
what does that mean...to be a 'bitch'?...
opinionated?
strong-willed?
expressive?
loud?
unwilling to help you justify your mistakes?
willing to let it be known how i feel like i deserve to be treated?
aggressive?
a lot of energy?
in a very awful email that jen wrote me. she said: you are the epitome of the girl who screams loudest wins.
i'd never heard that allegory before. i'm not sure its real. it makes me wonder tho. my closest friends are saying things to me that are alarmingly similar to the statement above.
i just got a pit in my stomach. literally. i had to stop typing for a few minutes and try and flesh that one out in my head. i'm having a serious identity crisis. how much of that is the looming graduation? how much of that is coming home from dublin? how much of that is feeling desperately alone?
and i'm not talking about alone...like...oh i need a relationship alone. i'm talking about desolate lonliness. when you're crying and its 4am and you need to talk. and your list comes up short. and then you do call. and no one answers. that kind of alone. that hasn't happened in a very long time.
i work hard. i play hard. i don't have time for bullshit. i am lonely and scared and no one is coming to my rescue. i'm losing my faith in people. i don't know how many other ways i can ask for a little help here.
i wish i could not care. i wish i could really be as callous and mean as people keep telling me i am. i wish i could genuinely do it. just stop caring about all these fucking people. certainly i've been nothing but disappointed.
i feel like i left for three months and all my friends forgot who i was. i'm pretty sure this is my new mantra. i feel like i say it once a day.
i've had a very contemplative week. weak. week. i got away for a short while on saturday. and then came back and last night just didn't help anything.
and now. its 3:30. i have class at 9:30. i still have about 4 hours of work to do.
the lack of sleep is certainly not helping my mood.