Catolina
Argh. You would think I would start learning at some point. You really would.
OK. So whats my problem? My problem is relationships. I have everything else going for me. I'm fairly smart. I've been called funny. There's worse looking people in the world. Many less interesting. And billions less creative. But relationships? My kryptonite. My faulty bone. My greatest weakness.
My Catolina.
When you were young. Relationships were so easy. They were so easily defined... so simple in their creation and execution. I made friends easily, but even then I was beginning to keep my own space. I would play basketball with them, I would make "TV shows" with them for recess, but I always kept my own counsel... I have as many memories of sneaking off by myself in my own world as I do playing with everyone else.
As I got older the gap got worst. I had a harder and harder time making real connections. The simple connections remained easy, quick and convienant aquantinces and drive through friendships which lasted for a class period, or a lunch, or a party. They were easy to call up or cut out. And I liked it that way.
I saved my obsessions for relationships I knew beforehand had no chance, like I've mentioned before a thousand times. They had diffrent reasons I knew they couldnt work and I went for them anyway.. igorning anything close I might have had. And the wierd part? I don't regret them.
Friendships have followed the same pattern. If you read any of my stories you know I'm obsessed with the loss that exisits in the space between them when a relationship is lost and severed forever... and how it haunts you always.
Do I savour it then? Do I enjoy the space more then the thread? That cant be the truth. No one is that broken. Nights like tonight, when I'm all alone in the world, and dont understand how the people who cant be seperated from the people they love function. And I have to ask myself what is more important... and why I can never be apart of that world.
I guess the real question then is this... do people not understand me, or do I just not understand them? Honestly it might be the chicken or the egg... people don't get close enough to understand me because I just dont understand how to communicate with them. Fuck. Ok so its my fault.
How how can I correct this? Hmm. They need to invent stupid pills.
God this was pointless. I've grown up alot. But I'm no where near where I need to be.
OK. So whats my problem? My problem is relationships. I have everything else going for me. I'm fairly smart. I've been called funny. There's worse looking people in the world. Many less interesting. And billions less creative. But relationships? My kryptonite. My faulty bone. My greatest weakness.
My Catolina.
When you were young. Relationships were so easy. They were so easily defined... so simple in their creation and execution. I made friends easily, but even then I was beginning to keep my own space. I would play basketball with them, I would make "TV shows" with them for recess, but I always kept my own counsel... I have as many memories of sneaking off by myself in my own world as I do playing with everyone else.
As I got older the gap got worst. I had a harder and harder time making real connections. The simple connections remained easy, quick and convienant aquantinces and drive through friendships which lasted for a class period, or a lunch, or a party. They were easy to call up or cut out. And I liked it that way.
I saved my obsessions for relationships I knew beforehand had no chance, like I've mentioned before a thousand times. They had diffrent reasons I knew they couldnt work and I went for them anyway.. igorning anything close I might have had. And the wierd part? I don't regret them.
Friendships have followed the same pattern. If you read any of my stories you know I'm obsessed with the loss that exisits in the space between them when a relationship is lost and severed forever... and how it haunts you always.
Do I savour it then? Do I enjoy the space more then the thread? That cant be the truth. No one is that broken. Nights like tonight, when I'm all alone in the world, and dont understand how the people who cant be seperated from the people they love function. And I have to ask myself what is more important... and why I can never be apart of that world.
I guess the real question then is this... do people not understand me, or do I just not understand them? Honestly it might be the chicken or the egg... people don't get close enough to understand me because I just dont understand how to communicate with them. Fuck. Ok so its my fault.
How how can I correct this? Hmm. They need to invent stupid pills.
God this was pointless. I've grown up alot. But I'm no where near where I need to be.