(no subject)
it's my second day off in a row and I'm getting depressed. i only feel useful, important and like a real person when I'm at work. it's where most of my relationships are. i've been sitting around a lot, talking to bruce, walking bruce and listening to music, not to mention sleeping too much. my father called me and we had nothing to talk about, i told him i work a lot, he told me to not be like the gringos and become consumed with work. he doesn't understand me, i can't expect him to, 6 years away from one another and never having formed a relationship makes it kind of hard to bond. he doesn't understand that my everything is my work. I'm more consumed than ever. it's the only place i feel like i belong, behind a stove. it might just be it's the only place i want to belong. behind a stove, with a pot in my hand, it's the only place i can't cause damage, either to myself or anyone else. the only thing i make is people happy. i don't feel lonely and i don't feel awkward. it's where i feel safe. i know it isn't healthy to be so consumed and so obsessed and on some level I'm avoiding real life relationships and experiences. i don't care right now. i want to feel safe, i want to be secure, i want to be in control, i don't want to feel lonely. i need an escape from my reality. my life still sucks, it's improving but I'm still so far away from where i'd like to be. i feel lonelier than i've ever felt in my life. i feel colder than ever. it's freezing and it's late. goodnight.