can't by me love
why is is that even when im home surrounded by all life's comforts. food, mt. dew., a big bed, endless supply of movies, the Beatles, and nothing else to do. I still am not happy. I try my hardest, but i just find myself thinking. which is such a truly scary thing. I have turned into a cynic. well i have always been a cynic, but lately it is shinning forth with the power of a 1,000 stars. I know happyness is state that you chose, but i for some reason i can't chose it. I wish I had my happy place. A place where I go and nothing bad can happen. I think that is why I wish the rapture would happen so much. because nothing bad can happen in heaven. To live is Christ and To die is gain. but I don't see God's will for my life right now. I know God will light my steps, but im getting sick of that. because im doubting my self. Im doubting if i should be at NCU, especially with how much im hating it right now. Im doubting if i should be youth ministries, because i don't know if i can hack the ministry. I don't know if i have what it takes. because i don't know if can let God have control of it, which is the only way to succed. then im supposed to be the spiritual leader of S2B Winner trip, and i feel like a failure, and it hasn't even started yet. but that is thing it has. because i should be praying over the trips, i should be praying over my girls. and all my prayers seem to be hitting the grass roof of my own making. I hate this, and im starting to hate myself. I haven't had this low of self-esteem in years. I doubt myself, like I did in junior high. I feel like the same fat ugly, self defeating person I was then. Which i know are lies, but sometimes I don't know how to fight them off, because I can't keep preaching at myself the same verses over and over again. I need to go have some Jesus time. good night.