6/13/02 - State of Confusion
Well, here I am in Boston. Staying with my friend, the high school crush. Today was a hard day for me. I wasn't myself, and I was realizing it, and it worried me. We hung out in Boston, saw an Omnimax, walked around for hours. Should have been a great time. But I was feeling kinda distant, withdrawn, even at times saddened. Did I feel threatened by the old friend hanging out with us because he would occasionally touch her - as a friend, with the same kind of touch I used yesterday? I better not, I have no right! And he's married hapilly, so he shouldn't be a threat in my mind. But every time he did it, I felt like my heart sank a little or something. I just wanted to have fun so that I would look like I was having fun and not be a downer on their day. I don't know how I came off, but I hope they didn't see my attitude and get bummed by it.
Also on my radar, I don't know what to think about her. We've been flirty the last few times we met. We've gotten drunk together and ended up kissing. I had a line that I thought was cute that would hopefully bring a little more kissing. But I'm getting scared that she wouldn't want to hear a line like that - that she just isn't interested. We're... well, SHE'S not very flirty this time. I just don't know anymore... don't think I ever did. Had I ever decided if I wanted a long distance relationship? Or was I just interested in making a conquest? I hate the idea, but I don't know what causes my desires, so I can't say for certain that I'm NOT just looking to conquer. Do I want to risk alienating her to find out?
Well, this weekend, we'll be getting drunk. Of that, I'm certain. It's a lame way to go, but I think from past experience that if there's gonna be a time to let her know how I feel, it'll be tomorrow night. Besides, if it does scare her, I have an easy way out. I was drunk.
To all women out there: I'm so sorry. I think of myself as a good guy. A lot of my female friends do, and a lot of their boyfriends agree. We men have a lot of crap going on in our heads - so much that even we can't always tell what's in there. I swear by all that is important to me, I wouldn't ever want to hurt her, or scare her away from me. I also wouldn't want to make one of the worst risks a man can take - that of taking no risks! I have to risk it, whatever the risk, whatever the motivation. I can only hope no unfair pain comes of it.
Goodnight everybody. Happy father's day.
Also on my radar, I don't know what to think about her. We've been flirty the last few times we met. We've gotten drunk together and ended up kissing. I had a line that I thought was cute that would hopefully bring a little more kissing. But I'm getting scared that she wouldn't want to hear a line like that - that she just isn't interested. We're... well, SHE'S not very flirty this time. I just don't know anymore... don't think I ever did. Had I ever decided if I wanted a long distance relationship? Or was I just interested in making a conquest? I hate the idea, but I don't know what causes my desires, so I can't say for certain that I'm NOT just looking to conquer. Do I want to risk alienating her to find out?
Well, this weekend, we'll be getting drunk. Of that, I'm certain. It's a lame way to go, but I think from past experience that if there's gonna be a time to let her know how I feel, it'll be tomorrow night. Besides, if it does scare her, I have an easy way out. I was drunk.
To all women out there: I'm so sorry. I think of myself as a good guy. A lot of my female friends do, and a lot of their boyfriends agree. We men have a lot of crap going on in our heads - so much that even we can't always tell what's in there. I swear by all that is important to me, I wouldn't ever want to hurt her, or scare her away from me. I also wouldn't want to make one of the worst risks a man can take - that of taking no risks! I have to risk it, whatever the risk, whatever the motivation. I can only hope no unfair pain comes of it.
Goodnight everybody. Happy father's day.