Well what did I think would happen?
My last post was in July. I was tearing my hair out over Emily, the girl I walked away from because, despite my feelings for her, I couldn't see any way that we wouldn't end badly. It was years ago, and now of course I've forgotten why I was so sure it would end in heartbreak. The last time I saw her, her ex boyfriend had suddenly reappeared, and that threw a switch in my head. I didn't know why he was in town, or even if they were back together. I just knew I went to her place to hang out, and he was there. So I hung out for a while, and I said nothing, and I left that night with the idea that if I ran away from her, she couldn't break my heart.
And then I regretted it over the years, but stubbornly stuck to it. Mostly because I didn't know how to go back without sounding pathetic. And feeling pathetic. "Yeah, sorry I haven't talked to you in a few years, but I knew we could never be happy together, so despite my feelings for you, I figured pretending you didn't exist would be easier on both of us. But I have missed you. How've you been? Still with Jeff?" I was probably right in my assumptions, but I've regretted never trying.
Then, Sunday night I got word that she just had a baby. I broke my own damn heart. So that's the end of that. When I wrote that post back in July, she was already well into it, so it's probably good that I didn't cave in and call, because hearing it from her (assuming she spoke to me) would have been wretched. Not that finding out wasn't wretched. I don't know a word for exactly how I felt, but the last time I felt that horrible, she was the one who was there for me. Don't get me wrong, for her I feel hope & happiness that a new mom deserves. But I feel like quite the loser. It's like... to avoid the risk of food poisoning, I refused to eat. And surprise, surprise, I starved myself to death. I feel loss and failure and stupidity and shame. I fucked up in the real world, where there's no retake and no do-over. I'm feeling marginally better now that the initial shock is gone, but fuck!
And then I regretted it over the years, but stubbornly stuck to it. Mostly because I didn't know how to go back without sounding pathetic. And feeling pathetic. "Yeah, sorry I haven't talked to you in a few years, but I knew we could never be happy together, so despite my feelings for you, I figured pretending you didn't exist would be easier on both of us. But I have missed you. How've you been? Still with Jeff?" I was probably right in my assumptions, but I've regretted never trying.
Then, Sunday night I got word that she just had a baby. I broke my own damn heart. So that's the end of that. When I wrote that post back in July, she was already well into it, so it's probably good that I didn't cave in and call, because hearing it from her (assuming she spoke to me) would have been wretched. Not that finding out wasn't wretched. I don't know a word for exactly how I felt, but the last time I felt that horrible, she was the one who was there for me. Don't get me wrong, for her I feel hope & happiness that a new mom deserves. But I feel like quite the loser. It's like... to avoid the risk of food poisoning, I refused to eat. And surprise, surprise, I starved myself to death. I feel loss and failure and stupidity and shame. I fucked up in the real world, where there's no retake and no do-over. I'm feeling marginally better now that the initial shock is gone, but fuck!