Happy New Year?
I don't want to go to synagogue tonight. It's Rosh Hashanah, which is generally considered a time that even the barely-observant go. I just don't want to. I knew a long time ago that I identified more with the Jewish culture than the Jewish spirituality. I don't think I've ever felt any spirituality, in fact. Over the years, even the cultural attachment has faded, though. It was easy as a kid, I went to Jewish camp in the summer and Jewish youth group events the rest of the year, and I enjoyed it and I was surrounded by Jews. Even then, being Jewish was more about being with the people than it was about "God." Then it was college, where AEPi was next door and Hillel down the street, and I didn't really click with any of them, and over the years I noticed I didn't have the god or the people anymore.
Then it wasn't college anymore, and suddenly my friend and mentor had cancer. He prayed, and his family prayed, and even I prayed. I prayed that there was a God, and I prayed that that God God would not let this wonderful person's life be cut short. I prayed that my friend would live a full life, and that other people would have the chance to experience his friendship and wisdom and guidance like I had. I prayed that his bones would heal, and when they didn't, I prayed that they wouldn't have to take his leg. And before they took his leg, I sat by his side and prayed that, by taking his leg, they would save the rest of him. One day I visited him at home and saw that he had filled out a DNR form, and I prayed that he'd tear it up some day. Later I prayed that by taking pieces of his lungs, they would save the rest of him. Two days after my birthday, his prayers were answered and his suffering ended. And I accepted it, because what choice did I have?
And then it was Rosh Hashanah, and I went back to my hometown to spend the holiday with my family. We went to services, and I stood there in the sanctuary listening to familiar words and songs... and I hated being there. I didn't belong in there, and I knew it. At first, I was angry that God would deprive the world of my friend, and angry that he would let my friend suffer so much before finally ending it, like some sick game of cat and mouse. I found an excuse and ducked out of the rest of that service, The anger went away, but in its place was this disappointment that I couldn't do anything, that my options were no god or no god I'd want anything to do with, and really what's the difference? The God that does nothing to stop genocide and natural disasters is not going to suddenly intervene to rebuild our economy, or cure one man's illness, or take the Cardinals all the way to the World Series.
So now I think of god, and religion, and spirituality as a whole as a crutch for a species that hasn't grown up yet. We rely on this idea of god as a balance to make this experience acceptable. That somehow everything is going to be OK, because no matter how bad things are on Earth, things will be better when we get to Heaven and everything else will be some kind of distant memory. I just can't get behind that. This is life, this is what you get, it's all you get, so don't screw it up. The golden rule has nothing to do with religion, it's about people. If you wouldn't want anyone to do it to you, don't do it yourself. That's reason enough not to do wrong, humanity shouldn't need the promise of God & Heaven (or the fear of the devil & Hell) to know the difference between right and wrong!
The problem is that it's depressing, this idea that we live our lives and we die, and when we die, we're just gone. All we've done in life amounts to nothing but what marks we've made and what people remember about us. Maybe it's just how we made other people feel. Maybe it's how we had a big impact on someone's life, like introducing a couple. Maybe it's even something big, like saving a life, or discovering a cure and saving thousands of lives. Some of those memories will last longer than others, but all they are are memories. So yeah, it's depressing. Sure, I want there to be something more to our existence than just this, but I wanted a lot of things in my life. I wanted my friend to beat cancer. I just can't convince myself that there is more. Why would anyone want this God? I'm more comfortable with the depressing idea that this is all we get than with the depressing idea that there is a judgmental god who is obeying some kind of "prime directive" of non-involvement or something.
Then it wasn't college anymore, and suddenly my friend and mentor had cancer. He prayed, and his family prayed, and even I prayed. I prayed that there was a God, and I prayed that that God God would not let this wonderful person's life be cut short. I prayed that my friend would live a full life, and that other people would have the chance to experience his friendship and wisdom and guidance like I had. I prayed that his bones would heal, and when they didn't, I prayed that they wouldn't have to take his leg. And before they took his leg, I sat by his side and prayed that, by taking his leg, they would save the rest of him. One day I visited him at home and saw that he had filled out a DNR form, and I prayed that he'd tear it up some day. Later I prayed that by taking pieces of his lungs, they would save the rest of him. Two days after my birthday, his prayers were answered and his suffering ended. And I accepted it, because what choice did I have?
And then it was Rosh Hashanah, and I went back to my hometown to spend the holiday with my family. We went to services, and I stood there in the sanctuary listening to familiar words and songs... and I hated being there. I didn't belong in there, and I knew it. At first, I was angry that God would deprive the world of my friend, and angry that he would let my friend suffer so much before finally ending it, like some sick game of cat and mouse. I found an excuse and ducked out of the rest of that service, The anger went away, but in its place was this disappointment that I couldn't do anything, that my options were no god or no god I'd want anything to do with, and really what's the difference? The God that does nothing to stop genocide and natural disasters is not going to suddenly intervene to rebuild our economy, or cure one man's illness, or take the Cardinals all the way to the World Series.
So now I think of god, and religion, and spirituality as a whole as a crutch for a species that hasn't grown up yet. We rely on this idea of god as a balance to make this experience acceptable. That somehow everything is going to be OK, because no matter how bad things are on Earth, things will be better when we get to Heaven and everything else will be some kind of distant memory. I just can't get behind that. This is life, this is what you get, it's all you get, so don't screw it up. The golden rule has nothing to do with religion, it's about people. If you wouldn't want anyone to do it to you, don't do it yourself. That's reason enough not to do wrong, humanity shouldn't need the promise of God & Heaven (or the fear of the devil & Hell) to know the difference between right and wrong!
The problem is that it's depressing, this idea that we live our lives and we die, and when we die, we're just gone. All we've done in life amounts to nothing but what marks we've made and what people remember about us. Maybe it's just how we made other people feel. Maybe it's how we had a big impact on someone's life, like introducing a couple. Maybe it's even something big, like saving a life, or discovering a cure and saving thousands of lives. Some of those memories will last longer than others, but all they are are memories. So yeah, it's depressing. Sure, I want there to be something more to our existence than just this, but I wanted a lot of things in my life. I wanted my friend to beat cancer. I just can't convince myself that there is more. Why would anyone want this God? I'm more comfortable with the depressing idea that this is all we get than with the depressing idea that there is a judgmental god who is obeying some kind of "prime directive" of non-involvement or something.