"im far from lonely and its all that ive got.."
Ive just got in from going for a few drinks with Sean. Later on we met up with Mike, a guy who i always see out when im drunk, and seems to know everybody and vice versa.
Mike asked me what i do, when i told him, he said that im a good person for doing what i do, and an 'angel'. Am i? Surely if i was an angel, then i wouldnt manage to drive away everyone that gets remotely close to me. It got me thinking, and well its a dangerous thing for me really, as i have too much time to think. I know why and how i do it, it's to do with caring for my mum, and i know, i know, i should tell them both i cant do it anymore and get out and whatever, but i cant leave my dad in the lurch like that, so I wont do it. So I should really stop whinging about it, and get on with it. I dont really whinge about it but i do find it difficult as everyone who knows me, knows. And having this constant job of looking after mum with dad, sometimes makes me act irrational and slightly insane. I dont like it and i want to work on that. My dad thinks its because im young and have no patience, and i need to be around people my age.
I think that im just going to resign to the fact that im too difficult for some people to handle, and now Im just past caring, i cant control it, so why worry? If people are going to walk in and out of my life, then i should just let them.
I get sad sometimes, thinking that i will never get on with my mum and she'll never be how she used to be, we'll never be close again, and she'll always be disabled. A year and a half later, its still a little hard to swallow, and it every now and then gets me down. She's nothing like she was, she'll never be like she was, so im dealing with it.
I dont know. Ive been thinking alot. Pretty sure ive fucked things up with Mat, which i guess has got me thinking about things too.
Im abit happier about things in general, because I can't change them, so why cry, why waste time feeling sad? Ive got through alot, so i know im strong really.
Anyway yeah thats enough of all that. xx
Mike asked me what i do, when i told him, he said that im a good person for doing what i do, and an 'angel'. Am i? Surely if i was an angel, then i wouldnt manage to drive away everyone that gets remotely close to me. It got me thinking, and well its a dangerous thing for me really, as i have too much time to think. I know why and how i do it, it's to do with caring for my mum, and i know, i know, i should tell them both i cant do it anymore and get out and whatever, but i cant leave my dad in the lurch like that, so I wont do it. So I should really stop whinging about it, and get on with it. I dont really whinge about it but i do find it difficult as everyone who knows me, knows. And having this constant job of looking after mum with dad, sometimes makes me act irrational and slightly insane. I dont like it and i want to work on that. My dad thinks its because im young and have no patience, and i need to be around people my age.
I think that im just going to resign to the fact that im too difficult for some people to handle, and now Im just past caring, i cant control it, so why worry? If people are going to walk in and out of my life, then i should just let them.
I get sad sometimes, thinking that i will never get on with my mum and she'll never be how she used to be, we'll never be close again, and she'll always be disabled. A year and a half later, its still a little hard to swallow, and it every now and then gets me down. She's nothing like she was, she'll never be like she was, so im dealing with it.
I dont know. Ive been thinking alot. Pretty sure ive fucked things up with Mat, which i guess has got me thinking about things too.
Im abit happier about things in general, because I can't change them, so why cry, why waste time feeling sad? Ive got through alot, so i know im strong really.
Anyway yeah thats enough of all that. xx