(no subject)

[rockinmycasbah]

I started filling out my application to NOVA today, and I started crying. Right in front of my computer. I know I shouldn't be upset by going to NOVA and then transfering because it's the smart thing to do. I'm paying for my education and that's what I can afford, and by transfering I can go wherever I want. It makes me sad though that I dont' know what it's like to open a college acceptance letter, I don't know what it's like to be rejected or wait listed. I don't know the anticipation and excitement and nervousness that comes with leaving home and going somewhere completely new on your own. I won't know that for another year. In that time, I'm going to lose a lot of friends. I know people say that we'll stay in touch, but it's not true. Everyone in my graduating class will be too wrapped up in their college experience to really talk to me. And then my highschool friends, well only my closest ones will stay remotely close, I won't be going to highschool parties because taht's weird, and i won't be going to college ones because I won't be in college. I'll just be, neither here nor there. I know I'm not being left behind by my friends, but in some ways it feel that way. Everyone will be leaving me, and I'll stay 5 years old in my room, working and going to classes at NOVA.

I guess it's not just that, I feel like I know what my future will be, I'll be a high school or elementary school teacher all my life. I'll never get to teach Shakespeare at a university, or make the movie I've been dreaming about for years, or live in England or NY, or just get out of VA for that matter.

I sound like such a fucking FDK, I wish someone would just punch me and snap me out of this, I hate feeling sorry for myself.