the past few months.
This summer started out with depression. Lost my job and lost my fiance within less a month. everything was going down hill. nothing felt good about anything. i felt extremely lonely. for a month we hid from our friends. i said i wasn't ready to deal with it on facebook with the "jonathan polycranos's relationship status has changed from engaged to single" by hiding it, it made it almost go away. i was still seeing him every day even if it was going to the gym, going to school. and including sex. that still happened. that didn't help. we both got jobs at olive garden and that was a distraction. studying for work. then it was time for him to go to disney. i was the last person he saw in maryland that day. He actually dropped me off at work that day. we made out in the parking lot.
i tried to stay connected with my friends from MT for the majority of the summer. They reminded me of him. all of my friends there were his friends. letting go of them was letting go of that last piece of letting him go and i wasn't ready for that. but what it ended up being was a lot of heavy drinking. and i mean a lot of heavy drinking. and experimenting. i smoked a lot of the summer. and no not cigarettes. i also did x. the problem though was all of my MT friends were couples, i use to be one of those couples and It felt really strange to be the only not in a relationship. but the worst of it was my sex life.
At first I was trying to find that special feeling I had with him. Constantly having sex with different guys to see if they were right for me. but then it got out of hand. to the point where it was more of an addiction to sex. i remember one week I had sex with over 7 guys. none of them at the same time and some on the same day. When he left in the beginning my number was 8, by the end of the summer it was like 47. I had a rude awakening when I went to get tested. I was so close to fucking up my life. A life that someone fought there life to be as long as she could with me. I couldn't let HIV or anything like that get on my mind. I couldn't do that to my dad. I I slowed down a bit. Things got a lot better.
This all happened in about 2 1/2 months
I started to make no friends with Olive Garden kids. at first it was with Tiffani, someone who I thought I could hang out with, but gave me a massive headache. all the time. I got to know Christa better cuz she worked at MT. and in turn her best friend Shalini. Tim was pretty cool, but not going to lie was a bit intimadated by him at first. Scott though, i opened up to him first. he was the one who went with me when i got tested. maybe cuz he was also gay and I felt comfortable with him. I appreciate him so much for being there when he hardly know who I was especially telling him all this. Everything was okay, to say the least nothing really sparked my interest in anything until i was invited to a party at Tim's house. thats where i felt apart of something again. but got a little drunk, more then that. scott came home with me.... he recently started dating another guy, but i remember trying so hard that night. thankfully nothing happened. later I was invited to a party at Brittani's didn't know her that well but after that night it allowed another friendship in my life.
that night though I let something slip. another guy i work with at OG, named Mike, i was very much attracted him. VERY MUCH ATTRACTED to him. at work I wouldn't talk to him. He has the perfect body and features that i like, but i know i could never have him. that night i said, while intoxicated of course, to his girlfriend at the time " angela if you weren't here right now i'd be all over him." he found out. I was scared for my life. i hoped to death that he didn't remember i said that. im sure he did. the fact that he never said anything made me start to fall for him more. for the months of august and september i would hang out with this new group of people (Mike, Jeremy, Tim, Kim, Jaime, Brittani, Nicole, Christa, Scott, Leah, and occasionally some others) at fridays, and i would get pretty drunk every night. one night i started texting kim across the table about Mike. later that night he had left and I told Tim and Jerm. word got out, everyone knew i liked him. he knew that i did. i knew that he knew i did. but i never told him and he never brought it up. One night i called him again drunk as a skunk, ( i don't call it confidence juice for no reason) and he said it was very flattering. and in another world it would have worked. but we don't live in that world. ill touch on him again later.
i have this new group of friends, miss my friends from MT, who would stop by the OG every now and then. less frequent after awhile. but it was still good to see them. but this new group i was in, i felt great. finally a group of friends that i didn't have to use someone i was in a relationship with to get into. people who knew me as me and not so-so's boyfriend. and eventually get to know who i was. I was proud of myself. started to feel better about myself again. made a new best friend Shalini, she is an awesome kid, likes to get into as much mischief as i did, but nothing bad. we would go to Double T all the time, went to Renn Faire, met a few new cool people through her. Shalini was and is always a good time. then her 21st hit. and this was a big event for me as well as hers. her actually party was a big huge deal to me. i hadn't drank that much since my own 21st and this new group of friends learned a lot about me. A LOT. when i black out i get super said and emotional. where everything comes flowing out of my body all the things i truely feel about myself come out. Yes even though Ive made my place at OG and had all these new friends, I was still extremely depressed with myself. Angry with myself. Hating myself. Thoughts of Suicide even. that all came pouring out of me. I don't remember saying any of it. and the next morning i get tons of texts from the people saying that they love me. I was told that I had said many times that i don't believe anyone really does.
He hurt me so much that i didn't believe in love anymore. i really didn't anymore. he lied about loving me. at least i felt that he did. but it was so stuck into me internally that i just really didn't allow in. also falling for in love with someone i know couldn't return it the way i wanted made me even more depressed. then i realized something. Mike was the first straight guy i ever felt close to for no reason. At first i recognized it as a crush. i remember working on a party with him and i wouldn't talk to him at all. then another day we were put on a party together. he told me that he hates team serving but he said we worked really well together. i thought it was because of my "crush" on him. but then i finally figured it out. This guy was the best friend i've wanted my a whole life. a best friend that is a guy. my whole life my closest friends have always been girls. i may let guys get to know pretty close but i wouldnt feel that close to them as i did with the girls. but i finally found a straight guy, who was willing to be a close friend of mine, who was also not afraid of being called gay or fag for hanging out with me. when i finally got the courage to tell him this it was a huge weight off my chest. he gave me the biggest hug ive havent felt in a long time. because of this kid i learned to believe that there was love, even if was brotherly love, but he helped me get there.
since then things have been pretty good for me. ive been a lot happier. but still had something on my chest. New Years Eve, that was an event in itself. i worked a double shift that day, ate something around 200 but nothing else, ended up getting out at like 1045. i got to Nottinghams and ended up downing like 2 drinks within the first 20 minutes. did a shot, had another drink. drank some champagne at midnight. black out. again i was told, that yet again i became emotional. at this point i didn't know what else was still bothering me. but yet again i would say i hate myself. i realized why.
Very recently i had asked Mike and Christa to come over my house because i wanted to tell them something. I told them about my first mom. She recently has been on my mind again. It's almost like waves in my life when she appears in my thoughts to the point of depression. the last time was when i was around 13-14 when i realized i didnt i knew my mother at all. i told them all about her and my sister. and how i feel like a disgrace thinking of what she thinks of me when im wasted. or even drinking excessively. I went into detail how i just thinks she wouldnt be happy with me if she were alive today. pretty much how ive been living my life the past 9 months. Mike and Christa both were really there for me. told me that she still loves me, even with all the mistakes and decisions ive been making. but nothing stood out to me as what Mike did. He held my hand through pretty much the whole thing. WHAT STRAIGHT FRIEND does that? , no i'm not questioning his sexuality, im pointing out how happy i am to have this guy in my life.
this pretty much leads up to now. Now i am hoping to go back to school this semester. and yes i am already planning my birthday, Its the one day a year that is all about me me me!!! Its the one day i get away with being a bit selfish, something i fear of being all the time that i go out my way to make sure im being practically selfless. im moving up a bit more within OG. and im considering being a manager at some point. still unsure if that's something i want to do. only time will tell. im more or less writing this because of the new year. Im ready to start a new. to be a better person pretty much. to be a happier person. and to own a car by the end of the year. :)
i tried to stay connected with my friends from MT for the majority of the summer. They reminded me of him. all of my friends there were his friends. letting go of them was letting go of that last piece of letting him go and i wasn't ready for that. but what it ended up being was a lot of heavy drinking. and i mean a lot of heavy drinking. and experimenting. i smoked a lot of the summer. and no not cigarettes. i also did x. the problem though was all of my MT friends were couples, i use to be one of those couples and It felt really strange to be the only not in a relationship. but the worst of it was my sex life.
At first I was trying to find that special feeling I had with him. Constantly having sex with different guys to see if they were right for me. but then it got out of hand. to the point where it was more of an addiction to sex. i remember one week I had sex with over 7 guys. none of them at the same time and some on the same day. When he left in the beginning my number was 8, by the end of the summer it was like 47. I had a rude awakening when I went to get tested. I was so close to fucking up my life. A life that someone fought there life to be as long as she could with me. I couldn't let HIV or anything like that get on my mind. I couldn't do that to my dad. I I slowed down a bit. Things got a lot better.
This all happened in about 2 1/2 months
I started to make no friends with Olive Garden kids. at first it was with Tiffani, someone who I thought I could hang out with, but gave me a massive headache. all the time. I got to know Christa better cuz she worked at MT. and in turn her best friend Shalini. Tim was pretty cool, but not going to lie was a bit intimadated by him at first. Scott though, i opened up to him first. he was the one who went with me when i got tested. maybe cuz he was also gay and I felt comfortable with him. I appreciate him so much for being there when he hardly know who I was especially telling him all this. Everything was okay, to say the least nothing really sparked my interest in anything until i was invited to a party at Tim's house. thats where i felt apart of something again. but got a little drunk, more then that. scott came home with me.... he recently started dating another guy, but i remember trying so hard that night. thankfully nothing happened. later I was invited to a party at Brittani's didn't know her that well but after that night it allowed another friendship in my life.
that night though I let something slip. another guy i work with at OG, named Mike, i was very much attracted him. VERY MUCH ATTRACTED to him. at work I wouldn't talk to him. He has the perfect body and features that i like, but i know i could never have him. that night i said, while intoxicated of course, to his girlfriend at the time " angela if you weren't here right now i'd be all over him." he found out. I was scared for my life. i hoped to death that he didn't remember i said that. im sure he did. the fact that he never said anything made me start to fall for him more. for the months of august and september i would hang out with this new group of people (Mike, Jeremy, Tim, Kim, Jaime, Brittani, Nicole, Christa, Scott, Leah, and occasionally some others) at fridays, and i would get pretty drunk every night. one night i started texting kim across the table about Mike. later that night he had left and I told Tim and Jerm. word got out, everyone knew i liked him. he knew that i did. i knew that he knew i did. but i never told him and he never brought it up. One night i called him again drunk as a skunk, ( i don't call it confidence juice for no reason) and he said it was very flattering. and in another world it would have worked. but we don't live in that world. ill touch on him again later.
i have this new group of friends, miss my friends from MT, who would stop by the OG every now and then. less frequent after awhile. but it was still good to see them. but this new group i was in, i felt great. finally a group of friends that i didn't have to use someone i was in a relationship with to get into. people who knew me as me and not so-so's boyfriend. and eventually get to know who i was. I was proud of myself. started to feel better about myself again. made a new best friend Shalini, she is an awesome kid, likes to get into as much mischief as i did, but nothing bad. we would go to Double T all the time, went to Renn Faire, met a few new cool people through her. Shalini was and is always a good time. then her 21st hit. and this was a big event for me as well as hers. her actually party was a big huge deal to me. i hadn't drank that much since my own 21st and this new group of friends learned a lot about me. A LOT. when i black out i get super said and emotional. where everything comes flowing out of my body all the things i truely feel about myself come out. Yes even though Ive made my place at OG and had all these new friends, I was still extremely depressed with myself. Angry with myself. Hating myself. Thoughts of Suicide even. that all came pouring out of me. I don't remember saying any of it. and the next morning i get tons of texts from the people saying that they love me. I was told that I had said many times that i don't believe anyone really does.
He hurt me so much that i didn't believe in love anymore. i really didn't anymore. he lied about loving me. at least i felt that he did. but it was so stuck into me internally that i just really didn't allow in. also falling for in love with someone i know couldn't return it the way i wanted made me even more depressed. then i realized something. Mike was the first straight guy i ever felt close to for no reason. At first i recognized it as a crush. i remember working on a party with him and i wouldn't talk to him at all. then another day we were put on a party together. he told me that he hates team serving but he said we worked really well together. i thought it was because of my "crush" on him. but then i finally figured it out. This guy was the best friend i've wanted my a whole life. a best friend that is a guy. my whole life my closest friends have always been girls. i may let guys get to know pretty close but i wouldnt feel that close to them as i did with the girls. but i finally found a straight guy, who was willing to be a close friend of mine, who was also not afraid of being called gay or fag for hanging out with me. when i finally got the courage to tell him this it was a huge weight off my chest. he gave me the biggest hug ive havent felt in a long time. because of this kid i learned to believe that there was love, even if was brotherly love, but he helped me get there.
since then things have been pretty good for me. ive been a lot happier. but still had something on my chest. New Years Eve, that was an event in itself. i worked a double shift that day, ate something around 200 but nothing else, ended up getting out at like 1045. i got to Nottinghams and ended up downing like 2 drinks within the first 20 minutes. did a shot, had another drink. drank some champagne at midnight. black out. again i was told, that yet again i became emotional. at this point i didn't know what else was still bothering me. but yet again i would say i hate myself. i realized why.
Very recently i had asked Mike and Christa to come over my house because i wanted to tell them something. I told them about my first mom. She recently has been on my mind again. It's almost like waves in my life when she appears in my thoughts to the point of depression. the last time was when i was around 13-14 when i realized i didnt i knew my mother at all. i told them all about her and my sister. and how i feel like a disgrace thinking of what she thinks of me when im wasted. or even drinking excessively. I went into detail how i just thinks she wouldnt be happy with me if she were alive today. pretty much how ive been living my life the past 9 months. Mike and Christa both were really there for me. told me that she still loves me, even with all the mistakes and decisions ive been making. but nothing stood out to me as what Mike did. He held my hand through pretty much the whole thing. WHAT STRAIGHT FRIEND does that? , no i'm not questioning his sexuality, im pointing out how happy i am to have this guy in my life.
this pretty much leads up to now. Now i am hoping to go back to school this semester. and yes i am already planning my birthday, Its the one day a year that is all about me me me!!! Its the one day i get away with being a bit selfish, something i fear of being all the time that i go out my way to make sure im being practically selfless. im moving up a bit more within OG. and im considering being a manager at some point. still unsure if that's something i want to do. only time will tell. im more or less writing this because of the new year. Im ready to start a new. to be a better person pretty much. to be a happier person. and to own a car by the end of the year. :)