Two of Us Parody
Two of us
Re; New York, 197whatever, JARED HARRIS’S apartment.
AIDAN QUINN decides to visit JARED because apparently there just aren’t enough Beatle movies out there. Plus the SCREENWRITER needed more money for pot.
AIDAN QUINN, (as JARED opens the door.)
…Hey John…
JARED HARRIS
You’re surprised to see me after so many years?
AIDAN QUINN
No, it’s just… you look nothing like John Lennon… I mean, maybe if you stood in the dark and we only got to see your glasses or something I could imagine a resemblance… you look a bit like Ringo, maybe even Elton John, but Lennon? And your voice, I mean, did you even try to get the accent right? You’re all squeaky and…
JARED HARRIS
Shut up and come inside. Yoko and Sean are conveniently not here for reasons never really explained, so that should give us plenty of time to examine my behavior and reasons behind my mental anguish.
AIDAN QUINN
Examine your…? I just dropped by for a visit…
JARED HARRIS
You can’t build a movie on nothing, son.
AIDAN QUINN
But all the other Beatles movies were built on nothing.
AIDAN and HARRIS awkwardly hang out. AIDAN eventually hands out POT.
SCREENWRITER MARK STANFIELD
Interesting, eh? This must be one of the only movies that has illegal drug use and doesn’t immediately follow it up with severe consequences.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, but this scene really doesn’t really add anything to the movie and no one even begins to act high, so it’s a bit pointless…
SCREENWRITER MARK STANFIELD
Shut up. I’m controversial, dammit.
AIDAN and JARID start arguing about past wounds. JARED makes fun of AIDAN’S solo work, despite his solo work being JUST AS SHITTY. AIDAN, strangely, fails to point this out.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL LINDSAY-HOGG
Isn’t this interesting? Two old famous friends getting everything not said out into the open; laying out old pain, anger and accusations.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, it’s really interesting.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL LINDSAY-HOGG (bemused)
It really is.
Half the movie passes
AUDIENCE
…uh, so, is anything gonna, you know, happen?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL LINDSAY-HOGG
What? Oh, yeah, let’s have them go to the park or something.
Re; Central Park
JARED and AIDAN hang out in the park and help smoke A SAUSAGE- THICK BONG and, once again, fail to get high. They tease some policeman and manage to get away with it.
JARED HARRIS
Policemen suck. All of them, all the time, everywhere.
AIDAN QUINN
Oh, you’re just using them as scapegoats for your repressed and pent up anger at losing your mother at such a young age.
JARED HARRIS
Wow, you caught up with this physiatrist stuff fast.
AIDAN QUINN
I guess one of the side effects of heavy marijuana use is being able to psychoanalyze your friends.
JARED takes AIDAN to a restaurant and stupidly decides to TAKE OFF HIS DISGUISE so we can see him be Lennon-ish to fans, I guess.
DORKY FAN
I’m not an embodiment of the screenwriter. Really.
Re; Apartment Roof
AIDAN QUINN
You know Jared, you shouldn’t be so pissy all the time. You don’t have to be so defensive; the world isn’t out to get you. Like right now, I’m not going to hurt you or leave you, you’re allowed to feel safe sometimes.
JARED HARRIS
When you look at me, what do you see? What could make you look at me and want to spend 89 minutes trying to get through to me?
AIDAN QUINN
I see a beautiful boy who’s mother says goodbye, who blames himself for his father’s mistakes and tries to believe ordinary little things don’t scare him to death, when they do. I see a man who still doesn’t realize how beautiful he is.
(pause)
Why the hell am I playing therapist so much? I’m Paul fucking McCartney, not Dr. Janov.
SCREENWRITER
I thought it’d be interesting if we spent half the time going into how John’s mind works and why he acts the way he does. John’s much more interesting then you in that respect, you see.
AIDAN QUINN
You mean it’s more interesting to psychoanalyze a man who just throws a fit whenever he feels like it then a man who hides everything from the world and his family behind a smile and then goes on to drown himself in drugs and alcohol?
SCREENWRITER
Yeah, well, at least John didn’t write Silly Love Songs you hack.
Re; Jared’s apartment, in front of the T.V.
JARED falls asleep on AIDAN’S shoulder.
AIDAN QUINN
First we act all jealous over each other’s wives, then Jared molests me on the elevator, then I go on a big monologue about how beautiful he is, now he falls asleep on my shoulder
(to Jared)
Does it disturb you that this movie seems to have all the makings of a soft porno?
JARED HARRIS
..and that it was written, directed and produced by a bunch of dudes?
AIDAN QUINN
… and directed by a guy who spent a bunch of time with the Beatles?
Before the censors think of this and give the movie an R rating, SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE comes on and offers the Beatles three thousand dollars to appear on the show.
JARED HARRIS
Let’s do it!
AIDAN QUINN
Yeah!
The Audience gets exited and moves to the edge of their seats with anticipation, mainly because it’s the first time sense the movie started that SOMETHING IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Aidan goes down to his car and gets his guitar. When he gets upstairs he finds Jared talking on the phone with Yoko.
AIDAN QUINN
Whatcha doin’?
JARED HARRIS
Telling Yoko how much I love her and that I wish she was here.
AIDAN QUINN
Oh.
Well, instead of waiting for you to finish your conversation like a normal person, I’ll just leave to awkwardly fulfill the writer’s need to be historically accurate.
JARED HARRIS
… ‘kay.
AIDAN leaves, therefore contributing to the BIGGEST FUCKING ANTI- CLIMAX SENSE MONY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL.
JARED HARRIS
Well, that’s it. I hope all the Beatle fans got to see this during the premiere because T.V. will probably never show it again and the D.V.D. ‘s going to be worth about 36 dollars in mint condition, which is more than Oscar winning flicks cost.
AIDAN QUINN
I wonder if the real Paul McCartney will comment that his and John’s relationship wasn’t as cuddly and vaguely homosexual as it was portrayed in this movie after he sees it?
Suspiciously, he DOESN’T.
THE END
Re; New York, 197whatever, JARED HARRIS’S apartment.
AIDAN QUINN decides to visit JARED because apparently there just aren’t enough Beatle movies out there. Plus the SCREENWRITER needed more money for pot.
AIDAN QUINN, (as JARED opens the door.)
…Hey John…
JARED HARRIS
You’re surprised to see me after so many years?
AIDAN QUINN
No, it’s just… you look nothing like John Lennon… I mean, maybe if you stood in the dark and we only got to see your glasses or something I could imagine a resemblance… you look a bit like Ringo, maybe even Elton John, but Lennon? And your voice, I mean, did you even try to get the accent right? You’re all squeaky and…
JARED HARRIS
Shut up and come inside. Yoko and Sean are conveniently not here for reasons never really explained, so that should give us plenty of time to examine my behavior and reasons behind my mental anguish.
AIDAN QUINN
Examine your…? I just dropped by for a visit…
JARED HARRIS
You can’t build a movie on nothing, son.
AIDAN QUINN
But all the other Beatles movies were built on nothing.
AIDAN and HARRIS awkwardly hang out. AIDAN eventually hands out POT.
SCREENWRITER MARK STANFIELD
Interesting, eh? This must be one of the only movies that has illegal drug use and doesn’t immediately follow it up with severe consequences.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, but this scene really doesn’t really add anything to the movie and no one even begins to act high, so it’s a bit pointless…
SCREENWRITER MARK STANFIELD
Shut up. I’m controversial, dammit.
AIDAN and JARID start arguing about past wounds. JARED makes fun of AIDAN’S solo work, despite his solo work being JUST AS SHITTY. AIDAN, strangely, fails to point this out.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL LINDSAY-HOGG
Isn’t this interesting? Two old famous friends getting everything not said out into the open; laying out old pain, anger and accusations.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, it’s really interesting.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL LINDSAY-HOGG (bemused)
It really is.
Half the movie passes
AUDIENCE
…uh, so, is anything gonna, you know, happen?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL LINDSAY-HOGG
What? Oh, yeah, let’s have them go to the park or something.
Re; Central Park
JARED and AIDAN hang out in the park and help smoke A SAUSAGE- THICK BONG and, once again, fail to get high. They tease some policeman and manage to get away with it.
JARED HARRIS
Policemen suck. All of them, all the time, everywhere.
AIDAN QUINN
Oh, you’re just using them as scapegoats for your repressed and pent up anger at losing your mother at such a young age.
JARED HARRIS
Wow, you caught up with this physiatrist stuff fast.
AIDAN QUINN
I guess one of the side effects of heavy marijuana use is being able to psychoanalyze your friends.
JARED takes AIDAN to a restaurant and stupidly decides to TAKE OFF HIS DISGUISE so we can see him be Lennon-ish to fans, I guess.
DORKY FAN
I’m not an embodiment of the screenwriter. Really.
Re; Apartment Roof
AIDAN QUINN
You know Jared, you shouldn’t be so pissy all the time. You don’t have to be so defensive; the world isn’t out to get you. Like right now, I’m not going to hurt you or leave you, you’re allowed to feel safe sometimes.
JARED HARRIS
When you look at me, what do you see? What could make you look at me and want to spend 89 minutes trying to get through to me?
AIDAN QUINN
I see a beautiful boy who’s mother says goodbye, who blames himself for his father’s mistakes and tries to believe ordinary little things don’t scare him to death, when they do. I see a man who still doesn’t realize how beautiful he is.
(pause)
Why the hell am I playing therapist so much? I’m Paul fucking McCartney, not Dr. Janov.
SCREENWRITER
I thought it’d be interesting if we spent half the time going into how John’s mind works and why he acts the way he does. John’s much more interesting then you in that respect, you see.
AIDAN QUINN
You mean it’s more interesting to psychoanalyze a man who just throws a fit whenever he feels like it then a man who hides everything from the world and his family behind a smile and then goes on to drown himself in drugs and alcohol?
SCREENWRITER
Yeah, well, at least John didn’t write Silly Love Songs you hack.
Re; Jared’s apartment, in front of the T.V.
JARED falls asleep on AIDAN’S shoulder.
AIDAN QUINN
First we act all jealous over each other’s wives, then Jared molests me on the elevator, then I go on a big monologue about how beautiful he is, now he falls asleep on my shoulder
(to Jared)
Does it disturb you that this movie seems to have all the makings of a soft porno?
JARED HARRIS
..and that it was written, directed and produced by a bunch of dudes?
AIDAN QUINN
… and directed by a guy who spent a bunch of time with the Beatles?
Before the censors think of this and give the movie an R rating, SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE comes on and offers the Beatles three thousand dollars to appear on the show.
JARED HARRIS
Let’s do it!
AIDAN QUINN
Yeah!
The Audience gets exited and moves to the edge of their seats with anticipation, mainly because it’s the first time sense the movie started that SOMETHING IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Aidan goes down to his car and gets his guitar. When he gets upstairs he finds Jared talking on the phone with Yoko.
AIDAN QUINN
Whatcha doin’?
JARED HARRIS
Telling Yoko how much I love her and that I wish she was here.
AIDAN QUINN
Oh.
Well, instead of waiting for you to finish your conversation like a normal person, I’ll just leave to awkwardly fulfill the writer’s need to be historically accurate.
JARED HARRIS
… ‘kay.
AIDAN leaves, therefore contributing to the BIGGEST FUCKING ANTI- CLIMAX SENSE MONY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL.
JARED HARRIS
Well, that’s it. I hope all the Beatle fans got to see this during the premiere because T.V. will probably never show it again and the D.V.D. ‘s going to be worth about 36 dollars in mint condition, which is more than Oscar winning flicks cost.
AIDAN QUINN
I wonder if the real Paul McCartney will comment that his and John’s relationship wasn’t as cuddly and vaguely homosexual as it was portrayed in this movie after he sees it?
Suspiciously, he DOESN’T.
THE END