(no subject)
amsterdam liege luxembourg nurnburg regensburg nurnburg mannheim eslingen nancy st etienne marseille bordeaux paris lille amsterdam what a list of cities. its no wonder im exhausted. thats more cities then some people see in their lives. all in a few weeks. it doesn't really do it justice to just list things i have done in the last month. i have been trying to keep this trip well documented in my real journal that my mother gave me for my last birthday. almost a year ago already...strange. i suceeded in my plan to come to europe before my 25th birthday. but now my funds have depleted greatly and i am slightly bored with amsterdam. i have wonderful friends here. i miss having old friends here like kevin or even floozy. i feel like im stagnating here . but i need money. and a change of scenery often enough that until todays bike ride out to the twicke (either canals .or lakes north of the city.) that it just wasn't and isn't happening enough. now that i have gotten myself a bike i can atleast get out ... maybe go to den haag rijswijk and delft some day.see where i spent 5 years of my life how ever different it might be now. but its only five years of vague memories. its not real like watching the sunset over the arc du triumphe from the louvre or swimming in the mediterrean have become. its still just a house on the corner across from a canal in my mind. memories can bring diamonds or rust. right now im confused and i don't know what to do. maybe that because im staying up all night thinking avoiding sleep, or maybe cause there is a touch of drama for me everywhere. and im just tired and i want a nook to crawl up in to and sleep and settle for a change and im just frustrated cause i don't know where i want that to be. i miss ireland i miss mineapolis .... its true people just want what they can't have. we always want to be where we aren't but maybe thats just me maybe i have been conditioned to be like that ... never able to settle never able to just be some where. asheville was that, it was the place i wanted to be but i couldn't stand it there until the plans were laid out for me leaving it. the seagulls are flying in to pick through the waste we have left. and the city wakes slowly from its slumber. or else the night hasn't ended for the people there its so difficult to tell what is happening down below when all you see is the sun coming up, the sky lightening and hearing the voices from the street becoming louder with it. this could nearly be anywhere plus or minus a few seagull cries. it could be anywhere. this is anywhere. drunks talking loudly while the sky turns slowly from grey to blue. where does that leave me, where do i belong. a sober kid who can't start drinking ... its like im alcoholic already... i just can't start drinking ... its what i have done for 8 years, perhaps it is ireland that i belong . its apathetic enough for me. just there for the party. its difficult to admit you just dont care about things you used to. but its true i ... don't i don't know why i don't its just that way. haha my mother said this was probably just a phase (punk,vegetarian, anarchist) as well as so many things were....albeit a longer one then most things she would have been talking about. who knows wether it is i don't particularly care about the politics of it anymore .i live a lifestyle anarchist life, at times i glamourize it, not every one could do this. but what is it i do ? ... i have fun. spend my days making love to them i enjoy them for what they are, for what the next could be... or atleast i try. at times i hurt people. i don't mean to, not consciencely but years go by every once and a while i step on a toe or two.... it seems natural. you can't be amiable to everyone all the time. its impossible. im still somehow at (soon to be) 25 naive. i never really fucked around. im a hopeless romantic. i live pretty exciting life and it hasn't been filled with that many hardships, i have made it through 25 years with out personally burying anyone. i have loved and loved again. its not the end of the world, just yet. i remain positive amoungst so much depression and ill will. if thats not naivety i don't know what it could be. perhaps my mid punk life crisis started earlier then it was supposed to and my existential problems are because of that ... maybe its my birthday month so its began. these self reflections aren't particularly new by any means. just something i don't really vocalize to anyone. id like to think there is more to me then the superficial mass populus,that im not as easy to read, that there is an air of mystery to me. something some one has to do a little bit of work to know me. it must be true atleast a little. bibis knew me for 3 years and couldn't figure me out. but then (i thought twice before saying this but its kinda funny...) but then bibis is like a window with cake on it.she was sweet and a bit of a puzzle but i still knew what was going on inside... i knew what she was thinking almost too easily and it wasn't difficult to lose interest after a while. so i left. out in to the world again. existential crisis still the same as it was before i dated her only then ... 22 instead of 19.and now pushin 25. out comes the sun and it sounds as though though the city has finally slept, quiet all the people avoiding it couldn't any longer. its difficult to hide from the omnipresent sun as it rises. i have tried. i have failed. even the birds have quieted themselves. busy with their finds. where will you find me? where the hell will i even find myself. making analogies with people and windows with cake on them... why the hell would a window have fucking cake on it !.. irrelevant so do you learn more from going in circles ? or from going straight into the future? it seems i have gone in circles. spiralling outward from the start. in thinking back i have gone in circles quite a bit in life. i think its just that i always go back for more. im insatiable, maybe thats an excuse. an excuse for not learning lessons. my thoughts are tired. the first tram of the morning has past. and its time to sleep.