A Reflection
Last night, I read over all of my old LiveJournal posts. I tend to get reflective in the weeks leading up to my birthday and decided to take my ritual retrospection further into the past than can be offered by sorting through my paper journals and cleaning out my old college notebooks. Often these sorts of reviews are simply enough to give me gratitude for the present or inspire change, but I feel called to respond to my findings with a piece of writing.
Maybe it would just suffice to say, I've changed. However, this journal has always offered me an incentive to delve a little deeper and I'd like to honor that intention.
In my past entries, I found a writer who was fresh out of high school; she had a way with words and, although prone to run-on sentences, had flair, a sense of humor, and decent usage (of which I am jealous. Cue inspiration for change!) However, I also found a writer, who sometimes emerged concurrently, within the same entry, who was bitter, depressed, unstable, and stuck, and had a pretty severe case of over-sharing (of which I am not jealous. Thanks, life, for changing that.) There is some terribly embarrassing poetry back there and lots of entertaining exploration of creative voice. Though a gradual emergence can be seen of the woman and writer I am today, there are still a few discrepancies between then and now. I'm tempted to believe that the source of the discrepancy is that I am now an adult. But, as an adult, I know that declaring oneself to be an adult doesn't necessarily imply mental maturity or any specific achievements. So...
Here's what I think has happened:
1. I'm less interested in being interesting and more concerned with being honest.
I've learned that good writing (and good art) isn't good because it's completely new and different, though that can be refreshing; it is good because it is truthful. It identifies with some essential truth of its creator which was found by carefully and sometimes painfully eliminating all of the "mistruths" that cloak our perceptions and contort our expression. I think when we remain in touch with this honesty and share it, we arrive at a common reality within our conversations, relationships, or exchanges otherwise. (Or something like that.)
I have a boyfriend who I think is the most wonderful person in the world and, honestly, I'd rather write about him! He's the most significant presence in my life. His nose is just like mine, yet curves in the opposite direction. (We joke that this will be cancelled out when we have babies and our children will have straight noses.) He has actually made me like my nose! He is one of the best bartenders in Minneapolis (seriously!) and probably has the largest vocabulary of anyone I've ever known. He's extremely kind, wise, friendly, knowledgeable, warm, accepting, and adorable. He is half Japanese-Hawaiian-Irish and half Eastern-ish European, has tan skin, black hair, and extremely strong legs (biker's legs.) He is fond of bourbon, action movies from the 80s and 90s, superheroes, pork (especially Chinese, Japanese, and Hawaiian preparations of it), blues, good beer, and Mike Myers. He fervently defends the sanctity of musical, culinary, and ethical traditions (however, although quite vocal, he can be talked down from the pulpit and he never yells.) He plays a resonator guitar and sings blues. He loves music and has collected a passionate local following over the past 10 years. His smile is contagious and his hugs are THE BEST. We are planning a trip to Hawaii this August and I'm excited because both of our tax returns amount to a substantial foundation for travel money. (I never thought I would ever be excited about a tax return. THAT is certainly not interesting, at least in a literary sense. Except for, maybe, in the movie Stranger than Fiction about a fictitious book "Death and Taxes." That was about taxes, in a sense, and was very interesting. It's still one of my favorite movies. I guess not everything has changed.)
2. I know the difference between a dream and a desire. I have both, but acknowledge them separately and realize them only if they don't cause me to sacrifice my values (for the most part.) It makes for slow going sometimes, but life is more full; I find there is room for the fulfillment of unexpected, unarticulated dreams to be realized. It would be nice to achieve my known dreams, too, but if/when they don't come true I don't punish the other good things in my life out of retribution or spiral into self-hatred and blame. I wait, I sit with, and experience life until it gives me a new dream.
Speaking of that boyfriend, I want to marry him. In Des Moines, at the Greenwood Pond amphitheater and roast a Kahlua pig in a pit in my parents' backyard and have an Irish band play at the reception. I want to have kids with him and teach them to also be kind, to care about people and to focus on the connections between themselves and others rather than the differences. I want to model for them how to cultivate a passion that ignites your focus and how to continuously rediscover that passion and find others. Via this, I want them to avoid "focusing" medications and teach them how to harness a natural state of focus and direct it towards something you're not so passionate about when needed. I aspire to never define them in a limiting way and, if I accidentally do, to guide them out of that limitation. I dream that they will always be able to find something beautiful about themselves. And that they see how much I love their father. I also want to sing to them and be able to make them great soup, tasty vegetables, and amazing hot chocolate (the important things in life.)
I want to continue pursuing my Bachelor's degree at the University of Minnesota. I'm very (slowly) accruing credits towards a self-designed major in (now) Psychology, Art, and Healing Therapies, but this changes somewhat frequently. Basically, all I know is that I want to help people, probably kids, using knowledge based on psychology, creative arts therapies, Eastern philosophy and mindfulness, and perhaps later biology. If there is a title for this, Expressive Arts Therapist seems closest to what I'm hoping for.
I think I'd like to live in Minneapolis, near the lakes, in an updated, but modest craftsman.
Sooner than that, I want a dog and a vegetable garden.
I want to trade in my violin for a smaller one and at least take lessons at the U. Or at least play again. I'd love to play the Barber Violin concerto. I'd also like to take voice lessons.
I want to stay at my job for another year or two and become an impeccable Pre-K Literacy Tutor.
3. I can commit. There are things I do almost everyday, with consistency, which I would consider a practice. I meditate, I do yoga at home, I work, and I write (I'd like to take credit for being in a committed relationship, but it's pretty much effortless with him. See "dreams.") I confront lethargy, body aches, distractions, electronic media-based addictions, and the allure of my body pillow (another thing that hasn't changed) and I see past it. I feed my inspiration and delight in the discovery of nuances that regular dedication brings.
This May will mark the longest I have ever been at a particular job as an adult. (It's 7 months, haha.) But I've signed a contract with AmeriCorps saying I will commit to a year and it doesn't seem like a challenge for me to accept that. This job and the additional volunteering it has led me to do has helped me to feel settled in Minneapolis, to delve into my work, whatever it may be, and consistently renew my motivation. I work as a Pre-K Literacy Tutor for an AmeriCorps program called Minnesota Reading Corps. I love my job and plan to find ways to continue loving it and doing it well.
4. I can accept that my present successes don't look like those of my former peers. I can acknowledge my own personal obstacles without dwelling on my past failures to overcome them.
I think success lies in someone's ability to acknowledge and work to remove the obstacles that arise in their path. I think this is the most important work one has to do in life (to remove obstacles to wholeness) and I think this is also the definition of "healing" (And why I'm studying it as part of my major.) Someday, I'd like to have a career as an Expressive Arts Therapist, healing others, but I realize that I have to know how to do something for myself before I tell and expect others to do the same upon my advice.
5. I aim to serve others, but not necessarily please them, and I don't get bummed out as often when my attempts aren't well-received.
In closing, I still struggle with procrastination and completing projects, meeting deadlines. Although my home is cleaner and clean more often, it is still pretty messy most of the time. Same with my car. I read every week, but not every day, so it still takes me months to finish a book. (I recently finished Amy Poehler's book, "Yes, Please" and it is awesome. She is awesome. I'm pretty sure she is my spirit animal.) It's hard to say no to ice cream, hot chocolate, cheese which I then need to have with bread which I then need to have with wine, and leftover take-out for breakfast the next day. I still avoid my violin and the poems I've been working on. I still play the sims and watch tv shows on Netflix I've already seen 4 times instead of going outside. I'm a work in progress, but I'm working to keep progressing.
Maybe it would just suffice to say, I've changed. However, this journal has always offered me an incentive to delve a little deeper and I'd like to honor that intention.
In my past entries, I found a writer who was fresh out of high school; she had a way with words and, although prone to run-on sentences, had flair, a sense of humor, and decent usage (of which I am jealous. Cue inspiration for change!) However, I also found a writer, who sometimes emerged concurrently, within the same entry, who was bitter, depressed, unstable, and stuck, and had a pretty severe case of over-sharing (of which I am not jealous. Thanks, life, for changing that.) There is some terribly embarrassing poetry back there and lots of entertaining exploration of creative voice. Though a gradual emergence can be seen of the woman and writer I am today, there are still a few discrepancies between then and now. I'm tempted to believe that the source of the discrepancy is that I am now an adult. But, as an adult, I know that declaring oneself to be an adult doesn't necessarily imply mental maturity or any specific achievements. So...
Here's what I think has happened:
1. I'm less interested in being interesting and more concerned with being honest.
I've learned that good writing (and good art) isn't good because it's completely new and different, though that can be refreshing; it is good because it is truthful. It identifies with some essential truth of its creator which was found by carefully and sometimes painfully eliminating all of the "mistruths" that cloak our perceptions and contort our expression. I think when we remain in touch with this honesty and share it, we arrive at a common reality within our conversations, relationships, or exchanges otherwise. (Or something like that.)
I have a boyfriend who I think is the most wonderful person in the world and, honestly, I'd rather write about him! He's the most significant presence in my life. His nose is just like mine, yet curves in the opposite direction. (We joke that this will be cancelled out when we have babies and our children will have straight noses.) He has actually made me like my nose! He is one of the best bartenders in Minneapolis (seriously!) and probably has the largest vocabulary of anyone I've ever known. He's extremely kind, wise, friendly, knowledgeable, warm, accepting, and adorable. He is half Japanese-Hawaiian-Irish and half Eastern-ish European, has tan skin, black hair, and extremely strong legs (biker's legs.) He is fond of bourbon, action movies from the 80s and 90s, superheroes, pork (especially Chinese, Japanese, and Hawaiian preparations of it), blues, good beer, and Mike Myers. He fervently defends the sanctity of musical, culinary, and ethical traditions (however, although quite vocal, he can be talked down from the pulpit and he never yells.) He plays a resonator guitar and sings blues. He loves music and has collected a passionate local following over the past 10 years. His smile is contagious and his hugs are THE BEST. We are planning a trip to Hawaii this August and I'm excited because both of our tax returns amount to a substantial foundation for travel money. (I never thought I would ever be excited about a tax return. THAT is certainly not interesting, at least in a literary sense. Except for, maybe, in the movie Stranger than Fiction about a fictitious book "Death and Taxes." That was about taxes, in a sense, and was very interesting. It's still one of my favorite movies. I guess not everything has changed.)
2. I know the difference between a dream and a desire. I have both, but acknowledge them separately and realize them only if they don't cause me to sacrifice my values (for the most part.) It makes for slow going sometimes, but life is more full; I find there is room for the fulfillment of unexpected, unarticulated dreams to be realized. It would be nice to achieve my known dreams, too, but if/when they don't come true I don't punish the other good things in my life out of retribution or spiral into self-hatred and blame. I wait, I sit with, and experience life until it gives me a new dream.
Speaking of that boyfriend, I want to marry him. In Des Moines, at the Greenwood Pond amphitheater and roast a Kahlua pig in a pit in my parents' backyard and have an Irish band play at the reception. I want to have kids with him and teach them to also be kind, to care about people and to focus on the connections between themselves and others rather than the differences. I want to model for them how to cultivate a passion that ignites your focus and how to continuously rediscover that passion and find others. Via this, I want them to avoid "focusing" medications and teach them how to harness a natural state of focus and direct it towards something you're not so passionate about when needed. I aspire to never define them in a limiting way and, if I accidentally do, to guide them out of that limitation. I dream that they will always be able to find something beautiful about themselves. And that they see how much I love their father. I also want to sing to them and be able to make them great soup, tasty vegetables, and amazing hot chocolate (the important things in life.)
I want to continue pursuing my Bachelor's degree at the University of Minnesota. I'm very (slowly) accruing credits towards a self-designed major in (now) Psychology, Art, and Healing Therapies, but this changes somewhat frequently. Basically, all I know is that I want to help people, probably kids, using knowledge based on psychology, creative arts therapies, Eastern philosophy and mindfulness, and perhaps later biology. If there is a title for this, Expressive Arts Therapist seems closest to what I'm hoping for.
I think I'd like to live in Minneapolis, near the lakes, in an updated, but modest craftsman.
Sooner than that, I want a dog and a vegetable garden.
I want to trade in my violin for a smaller one and at least take lessons at the U. Or at least play again. I'd love to play the Barber Violin concerto. I'd also like to take voice lessons.
I want to stay at my job for another year or two and become an impeccable Pre-K Literacy Tutor.
3. I can commit. There are things I do almost everyday, with consistency, which I would consider a practice. I meditate, I do yoga at home, I work, and I write (I'd like to take credit for being in a committed relationship, but it's pretty much effortless with him. See "dreams.") I confront lethargy, body aches, distractions, electronic media-based addictions, and the allure of my body pillow (another thing that hasn't changed) and I see past it. I feed my inspiration and delight in the discovery of nuances that regular dedication brings.
This May will mark the longest I have ever been at a particular job as an adult. (It's 7 months, haha.) But I've signed a contract with AmeriCorps saying I will commit to a year and it doesn't seem like a challenge for me to accept that. This job and the additional volunteering it has led me to do has helped me to feel settled in Minneapolis, to delve into my work, whatever it may be, and consistently renew my motivation. I work as a Pre-K Literacy Tutor for an AmeriCorps program called Minnesota Reading Corps. I love my job and plan to find ways to continue loving it and doing it well.
4. I can accept that my present successes don't look like those of my former peers. I can acknowledge my own personal obstacles without dwelling on my past failures to overcome them.
I think success lies in someone's ability to acknowledge and work to remove the obstacles that arise in their path. I think this is the most important work one has to do in life (to remove obstacles to wholeness) and I think this is also the definition of "healing" (And why I'm studying it as part of my major.) Someday, I'd like to have a career as an Expressive Arts Therapist, healing others, but I realize that I have to know how to do something for myself before I tell and expect others to do the same upon my advice.
5. I aim to serve others, but not necessarily please them, and I don't get bummed out as often when my attempts aren't well-received.
In closing, I still struggle with procrastination and completing projects, meeting deadlines. Although my home is cleaner and clean more often, it is still pretty messy most of the time. Same with my car. I read every week, but not every day, so it still takes me months to finish a book. (I recently finished Amy Poehler's book, "Yes, Please" and it is awesome. She is awesome. I'm pretty sure she is my spirit animal.) It's hard to say no to ice cream, hot chocolate, cheese which I then need to have with bread which I then need to have with wine, and leftover take-out for breakfast the next day. I still avoid my violin and the poems I've been working on. I still play the sims and watch tv shows on Netflix I've already seen 4 times instead of going outside. I'm a work in progress, but I'm working to keep progressing.