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it's kinda sad that my days are melding into each other. i can barely remember anything. i mean, i remember things if i really,really think about it, but i seriously can't remember shit. i can barely remember exactly what happened yesterday. or the day before. it's like my mind is going blank due to all the other thoughts rushing around. it's like a great busy city, buzzing with life, but when you take a close look...there's nothing there, and the walls are bare. it's been like that for a long time now.
i used to be able to remember every single moment of my day and ramble on and on about it. but i was so much younger. -sigh- my mind is a hot, cluttered mess. i mean, i seriously don't know anything at some points. i just sit and stare and wait for myself to regain consciousness. it's either that, or i burst into a nervous breakdown. it's scary. i was sitting with pat one time, and he said something..and i was completely happy at that moment. but what he said mentioned something that bothered me, and i just stared off...and my leg started moving frantically. i was content though, i wasn't about to start sobbing or anything. but i just couldn't calm down. i couldn't stop shaking.
-sigh- i understand that there's much wrong with me. i have self conscious issues. one second, i think i'm pretty, the next i'm disgusted with myself. i have anger problems. one second, i'm calm, the next, i want to break your neck. i have a problem with dwelling, certain places, sounds, facial expressions, stories, or just mentioning something similar can send me back to the past. i'm working on that, though. i have a problem with keeping too many memories, i don't want to let go of anything. i'm like a pack rat when it comes to keeping things locked away in my mind. i can grow cold in a heartbeat, and will spit venom through clenched teeth, but i can be warm and welcoming. i have a problem with pushing people away. i want help, but at the same time, i just want everyone to fuck off and let me be and let me handle things on my own; i want help, but i won't accept it. i'm stubborn, to the point of ridiculousness. i'm over emotional. ...i like things that remind me of where i came from, but at the same time i hate it.
at times, i honestly don't know what to do with myself. or what to do during certain situations. i want to curl up in a ball, and not eat or sleep for days. or i just want to curl up and eat and eat and eat. or i just want to smoke until i feel sick.
i think that when everything settles down, with my parents divorce, with moms job, with the money situation, with all these fucking SITUATIONS that i'll just magically recover and i'll live happily ever after.
i'm an idiot for thinking that.
it's not going to change much. yes, the family will be in a MUCH better place, but it's not going to chase away my inner demons, it won't solve my problems, it won't set me free. i'll just be a good percentage more content with my life. and it will be another step into the rest of my life. but, as i said, it's not going to solve much.
it's hard to get past a mind set that i've had for years, and by years i mean since i was young. since i was six years old. that was nine years ago. nine years of having a similar mindset, with just a few tweaks and adjustments. it doesn't take a snap of a finger for that to change. no, it takes years.
i've been told i have "too much responsibility" -laughs sardonically- i scoff at people who say that. but i tell them "it's been like this for me since i was little, i'm used to it". friends, neighbors, etc- also tell me "angela, you don't have to do everything", excuse me, but who the hell is going to maintain a house when my mom's at work? oh, yeah, that's right, ME. who's going to cook when you're mom is not able to cook anything but breakfast? oh, yeah, that's right, ME. who's going to pick up joe and make sure he does his homework, chores, and eats? oh yeah, that's right, ME. i've been depended on by mom and brother for years. i'm not going to sit there and be like "mom, i can't do all of this shit anymore, i have too much stress, and i can't handle it". no. that would be giving up, and turning into a wimp. fuck that. i'm going to deal with it. i don't give a shit if i'll break down.
i don't sleep. i can't. i try, I REALLY DO. i've lain down, gotten comfy, and tried to sleep. but i end up staring at the ceiling and getting restless. so, i go to sleep from anywhere between 3:30am-5:00am.
-sigh-
story of my life? yeah. no kidding.
on a brighter note, pat is coming over from today, to the twenty-third.
on a sucky note, i still have to do make up work from school because my teachers are bitches an' hoes.