(no subject)
davidwraith made a post recently about this guy from the loop that everyone seemed to know and I knew him too. It made me start thinking about those days. I really don't talk to anyone anymore from back at that time. I was one of the kids that hung out on the wall in the loop and for a period of about a month close to Halloween in my sophomore year I ran away and lived with about seven people in a house on goodfellow in a not so good part of town and lost my virginity, did a lot of drugs and drank a lot of booze. Most of the people that I was staying with were in their mid 20's and I was 15. A few of my friends who knew where I was hiding out came to visit me and bring me things I might need and help out with food a little bit. I remember this one girl that we lived with got pissed off because one of the guys actually spent money on food instead of drugs and he sold his guitar. We ate lots of ramen noodles and Spaghetti with just parmesen cheese and salad dressing.
After Thanksgiving I finally called my family and decided to go home because I wanted to go back to school and have some kind of future for myself since I had looked around and decided that this was not the life that I wanted for myself. Although looking at myself now it's hard to say if I've gone much further than I would have, could have at that time. It's bad to wonder about those types of things because how could you ever really know. I don't regret just wonder.
This entry is prompted by David's post and also a dream that I had last night about jazzmahn and his wife and rocketparkboy. I went to highschool with jazzmahn and we used to be really good friends and hung out a lot and talked a lot. He is such a different person now and I think if we ever hung out now we would not get along at all neither his wife and I or him and Brian. We cleared that up pretty well in our emails when we found each other on livejournal. They were quite mean in my dream as well. It was a very vivid dream. I think he might resent me though because several times we were almost romantically involved and I just never could go for him in that way but I think he may have had some feelings for me.
I'm starting to really be able to let go of a lot of the past. Since so many people have popped up here and there and none of the reunions have been particulary enlightening or good. I especially rue the day that I introduced a certain girl from my past into my current social scene. She is doing the same thing to me that she has been doing for years except this time she is completely and utterly out of control and just stepping over anyone and everyone not caring what the consequences might be because she is completely selfish and cares about no one but herself and will fuck anyone who says hello to her or pays any attention to her. I was intimidated by her for most of my life because she has this great body petite with big tits and I was always her fat friend and guys would hit on her nonstop and whenever I was next to her I was invisible. She was never really a great friend because she would never have any patience with me and would really only call me to hang out when she was bored or didn't have anything better to do. She lied to me constantly about the stupidest stuff that I would not care about for whatever reason. I thought that she had changed since she ran off and got married, that maybe she had grown up a little bit but apparently she has not.
The one thing that makes me truly happy is that since she has hung out with us rocketparkboy has had no interest in her whatsoever lookswise or personality wise and I am no longer intimidated to be around her because I know her for what she is poison. A few times Brian even said she playfully grabbed his ass to maybe somewhat test his reaction perhaps to see if he would pay attention to her. She is not interested in him because he does not fawn over her like all the other men do he pays her no attention at all. So she will not flirt with him. This is a triumph for me.
I've worked hard for the past few years to accumulate good friends that were true genuine people that might be just a little dorky like me. I'm glad that I know who my real friends are.
There is another girl from my past that is back in town who I have been playing phone tag with forever. I had finally given up the notion of hanging out and catching up or whatever but I want to see this girl so I can get a bunch of my books back that she has had for five years. She never answers her cell phone or calls back so I'm getting a little pissed about it.
PS LIVEJOURNAL SUCKS TODAY!!
After Thanksgiving I finally called my family and decided to go home because I wanted to go back to school and have some kind of future for myself since I had looked around and decided that this was not the life that I wanted for myself. Although looking at myself now it's hard to say if I've gone much further than I would have, could have at that time. It's bad to wonder about those types of things because how could you ever really know. I don't regret just wonder.
This entry is prompted by David's post and also a dream that I had last night about jazzmahn and his wife and rocketparkboy. I went to highschool with jazzmahn and we used to be really good friends and hung out a lot and talked a lot. He is such a different person now and I think if we ever hung out now we would not get along at all neither his wife and I or him and Brian. We cleared that up pretty well in our emails when we found each other on livejournal. They were quite mean in my dream as well. It was a very vivid dream. I think he might resent me though because several times we were almost romantically involved and I just never could go for him in that way but I think he may have had some feelings for me.
I'm starting to really be able to let go of a lot of the past. Since so many people have popped up here and there and none of the reunions have been particulary enlightening or good. I especially rue the day that I introduced a certain girl from my past into my current social scene. She is doing the same thing to me that she has been doing for years except this time she is completely and utterly out of control and just stepping over anyone and everyone not caring what the consequences might be because she is completely selfish and cares about no one but herself and will fuck anyone who says hello to her or pays any attention to her. I was intimidated by her for most of my life because she has this great body petite with big tits and I was always her fat friend and guys would hit on her nonstop and whenever I was next to her I was invisible. She was never really a great friend because she would never have any patience with me and would really only call me to hang out when she was bored or didn't have anything better to do. She lied to me constantly about the stupidest stuff that I would not care about for whatever reason. I thought that she had changed since she ran off and got married, that maybe she had grown up a little bit but apparently she has not.
The one thing that makes me truly happy is that since she has hung out with us rocketparkboy has had no interest in her whatsoever lookswise or personality wise and I am no longer intimidated to be around her because I know her for what she is poison. A few times Brian even said she playfully grabbed his ass to maybe somewhat test his reaction perhaps to see if he would pay attention to her. She is not interested in him because he does not fawn over her like all the other men do he pays her no attention at all. So she will not flirt with him. This is a triumph for me.
I've worked hard for the past few years to accumulate good friends that were true genuine people that might be just a little dorky like me. I'm glad that I know who my real friends are.
There is another girl from my past that is back in town who I have been playing phone tag with forever. I had finally given up the notion of hanging out and catching up or whatever but I want to see this girl so I can get a bunch of my books back that she has had for five years. She never answers her cell phone or calls back so I'm getting a little pissed about it.
PS LIVEJOURNAL SUCKS TODAY!!