How much is too much to handle?
I've faced some pressures before in my life, but somehow I've managed to pull through. But now I wonder just how much it too much. I've had this pressure over my head for awhile now, but something finally something just made it go overboard.
I've never felt like I didn't have a way out. I never felt this trapped before. I have never looked at the situation and just not seen a way out. And never have I felt more alone in dealing it all. I've been surrounded by people in the last few days and still felt so alone. All I wanted this weekend was to be alone for awhile and just think. And now that I finally got it, I realize that I'm terribly alone. All I want to is tell someone all the stiff that's going on, all the stuff occupying my thoughts and at this same time I just want to be left alone and not talk to anyone.
I love having visitors any time any day. Being surrounded by people has always made me happy. But now... I don't even know where I want to be. I love this aparment so much. It has meant so much for my life, my first effort at having something all my own, my first attempt to break away, the first place where I could truly do what I want and be who I want to be. But lately all I've wanted to do is leave. But I don't know where it is that I want to go. I definitely don't want to go back home to my family, they have a different place in my life now, and that is not a place that I can call home anymore. In fact now that I think about it, I never really could call that place home, since we lost the house the only place that I could call home is this apartment. Although there are still times when I think I'm not allowed to call this place home by other parties.
I feel terrible about my mom having to give up her car to my dad. I feel even worse about not being able to help her out in any way. I'm angry that my dad allowed all of this to happen and doesn't seem to give a shit. I'm upset that my car needs repair and I don't have the money to pay for it. I hate that the easiest solution to that problem is to call my dad and ask him to come and fix it, but I can't do that. I said I never wanted to speak to him ever again, and I'm realizing now why I said that. I've talked to a few people about it, and they've all said the same thing.
Everyone's pretty much told me the same thing. He is your father and he has a certain obgligation to help you. He has done so much worse to you, you asking him to do this for is nothing. Basically.. he owes you!
This seriously makes me saddest of all. In my mind, helping someone is one of the best ways to show someone how much you care. Personally, helping people I care about is the best thing that I think that I can do for them. That I have the ability to help someone I love and care about, that to me is a priviledge. There are people in this world that I would give my life for if it meant I could help them. So it absolutely breaks my heart to think that someone is obligated to help me, that someone is forced to help me, that nobody wants to help me just out of their love for me. That they have to have some sort of debt to someone in order for them to help me. In fact, at this moment I can't think of a person that would be willing to help me the way I would help them.
Maybe I'm not all that I think I am. Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking that I'm worth it. Maybe the fact that I don't have the things that I deserved, maybe the fact that I don't get what I give in return, maybe it doesn't mean that I just haven't found it. Maybe I haven't found it because I don't deserve it. Maybe I was inflating my own worth.
I've never felt like I didn't have a way out. I never felt this trapped before. I have never looked at the situation and just not seen a way out. And never have I felt more alone in dealing it all. I've been surrounded by people in the last few days and still felt so alone. All I wanted this weekend was to be alone for awhile and just think. And now that I finally got it, I realize that I'm terribly alone. All I want to is tell someone all the stiff that's going on, all the stuff occupying my thoughts and at this same time I just want to be left alone and not talk to anyone.
I love having visitors any time any day. Being surrounded by people has always made me happy. But now... I don't even know where I want to be. I love this aparment so much. It has meant so much for my life, my first effort at having something all my own, my first attempt to break away, the first place where I could truly do what I want and be who I want to be. But lately all I've wanted to do is leave. But I don't know where it is that I want to go. I definitely don't want to go back home to my family, they have a different place in my life now, and that is not a place that I can call home anymore. In fact now that I think about it, I never really could call that place home, since we lost the house the only place that I could call home is this apartment. Although there are still times when I think I'm not allowed to call this place home by other parties.
I feel terrible about my mom having to give up her car to my dad. I feel even worse about not being able to help her out in any way. I'm angry that my dad allowed all of this to happen and doesn't seem to give a shit. I'm upset that my car needs repair and I don't have the money to pay for it. I hate that the easiest solution to that problem is to call my dad and ask him to come and fix it, but I can't do that. I said I never wanted to speak to him ever again, and I'm realizing now why I said that. I've talked to a few people about it, and they've all said the same thing.
Everyone's pretty much told me the same thing. He is your father and he has a certain obgligation to help you. He has done so much worse to you, you asking him to do this for is nothing. Basically.. he owes you!
This seriously makes me saddest of all. In my mind, helping someone is one of the best ways to show someone how much you care. Personally, helping people I care about is the best thing that I think that I can do for them. That I have the ability to help someone I love and care about, that to me is a priviledge. There are people in this world that I would give my life for if it meant I could help them. So it absolutely breaks my heart to think that someone is obligated to help me, that someone is forced to help me, that nobody wants to help me just out of their love for me. That they have to have some sort of debt to someone in order for them to help me. In fact, at this moment I can't think of a person that would be willing to help me the way I would help them.
Maybe I'm not all that I think I am. Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking that I'm worth it. Maybe the fact that I don't have the things that I deserved, maybe the fact that I don't get what I give in return, maybe it doesn't mean that I just haven't found it. Maybe I haven't found it because I don't deserve it. Maybe I was inflating my own worth.