Less than four days away...
Counting down the days. I honestly just want to skip to Friday and get my hair done up, and then the weekend...I'm not going to want Sunday to end. Because I know by Monday everything will go back to normal, and life will go on. I'm going to be so miserable and depressed once it's over. Coming back to this reality might send me through a tailspin. I have not been happy. I've just been satisfied. I've been settling for the bare minimum in my life. Sunday I'm going to have some sense of control over it when I go to the movies to watch Inside Out 2...ironic how it's about a movie where anxiety literally takes over and forces all the other emotions to deal with it. Saturday is going to be so crazy. I feel like I've been trapped in this bubble and I've been trying so many ways to get out, and now that I have a chance to reunite with all the people that I've been away from for so long, it's going to be very overwhelming. Almost like some apocalyptic shit, where I've had to live on a different planet or land, and now I'm finally returning home after the disaster and all the people I love are still alive...This reunion means so much more to me...I have been waiting so long. Not even the thought of feeling uncomfortable crosses my mind because some of the people who made me feel that way are gone. I won't feel anxious or embarrassed either. Most importantly, I will get to release all my suffering and speak on the mental abuse I've endured over the years. Light my dad's life on fire...This is my return. This is a return to normal. To peace. This is a part of my life I haven't been a part of ....now I get to join in. Being 37 also adds a layer of protection...because no one can tell me what to do or be disappointed in me. I have thicker skin now. I have been literally DREAMING of all the people I haven't seen- and now seeing them face to face all together...in a moment of happiness...I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want this to be the last time I see everyone...I wish I could host a get-together, just as Debbie used to do. Get everyone together again, and celebrate life! Before I LOSE anyone else. I think that's what I'm most afraid of...I don't want to be the last one standing alone. Let's face it, ten, even fifteen years from now, half of the people in my family will no longer be on this earth. It will be hard to cope. Bruce won't last that long either...and Joey? He'll be in another state until he's in his 60's. Time is running out. It's moving way too fast. I just want to treasure the moments while they last. Watch my brother fall in love, get married, possibly have children- Spend time with my mom before she passes. Spend extra time with Debbie before she passes. Time with Bruce. The list goes on. Life is too short, that is the truth. I wish I knew better when I was younger. How lucky I was to have my family around. Even through the bad times. I took it for granted. Now, I just want those good moments back. That's why I can't let go of the past. That's why I live in it. I'm petrified of the future. I always have been. Now, it makes sense as to why.