(no subject)
I like being reminded that I made the right choice no matter the consequences in the end. So I chatted with my friend Zach from work and he was telling me that things have not changed there. Obviously I’m not surprised. It just makes me feel good about the choice I made fr. Just thinking about how miserable I’d be if I was still there or if they asked me to come back gives me a rash lol. But the other work thing has been getting me mixed up. One day I’m having a massive panic attack and I’m miserable and burnt out and the next I’m ready to work there. Now they’re questioning my reliability. So now it’s a waiting game and another back and forth with management to see if I can work there for real this time. But even though this set back happened, I’m still not apologizing for my emotions getting the best of me. Or the paralyzing feeling I got when I went through the break down. They are going to have to take that for what it is. The problem I still have is masking. Still doing it even after I left fucking Hannaford. I can’t just be myself and tell things like it is. And be authentic and real. I have to hide from everything. To keep my “perfect” persona alive. I’m really tired of that to be honest. I just want to strip all that away and peel back the layers and talk about all the problems I have, and how much I’ve struggled. It hasn’t been easy. Especially now. I’m struggling badly financially. Things have spiraled out of control. The last thing I want to do is go to the bottom. I can’t hit that yet. I’m not ready to give up yet. I’m going to keep trying because I know I have to. Hopefully things turn out okay. I can’t loose my cool yet. I have to keep my anxiety tied down.