(no subject)
This is the most depressing holiday of all the years that I’ve lived here. Iykyk. I’m having major financial issues and it’s not even my fault. I could not buy anyone gifts this year- except for some lousy gift cards. It’s really making me feel very close to my past self. Maybe that’s why I’m so used to it. Sadly. I knew this good feeling wouldn’t last long. And I’ve been also having major work issues. A few days ago I decided not to show up and I got in trouble for it. That’s my second strike on my record. I’m really starting not to care anymore. About anything. Nothing is worth anything feeling this way. I’m ready to give up completely this time. There is nothing left. I’ve been so depressed and anxious about everything lately. More than usual which is scary. Maybe all those other times I was faking it, who knows. BRB going to get my drink. I’ve needed a drink for so long. I’m just looking forward for these holidays to be over. Skip it. It is worth it. Trust me. No one has to feel depressed or anxious or stressed over two lousy busy days…it’s a waste of time. Also a new development I’ve had suicide ideation. Damn I think I’m back. I think that semi happy independent, and carefree person was just temporary. It figures. I knew I could never be that happy or free. I knew it was limited. I think I found myself again. And to be honest I’m kind of happy that I did. Because who ever that other girl was, she was not me. I’m back bitches. Getting back to myself where I’m not the center of attention and I can be depressed in peace.
So this is what happens when my past self has crawled out of the hole that she’s been stuck in for ten -almost eleven years- and she’s out for revenge and she’s out to destroy everything. First by sabotaging my job and my financial independence. Next will be my mental health. Last will be the people I care about. What’s next? Am I going to try to get ahold of Justin??? I wouldn’t put it past me this time. After all this version of me has only tried to ruin me. She’s not happy that I’m successful and she’s missing out. So now she’s trying to take over in her own way. And she wont care about the damage she’ll leave behind once she’s done. I’ve tried to hold her back and keep her buried but she’s about to come out. And she’s been in the dark long enough. She’s ready to fuck everything up. I just hope she doesn’t take me down with her.