relationship stuff. don't read it if you don't want to... but you might learn something...
ok i was sitting in my room playing tetris tonight at three in the morning. well actually brendan was playing and i was watching and venting and thinking and talking about all the things that went wrong in my relationship.
see, having witnessed a wedding this recently of two people that i have known for three and a half years now has left a mark on my concience. and a new understanding of what a relationship is supposed to be. i'll be the first to admit that i am messed up after a one year relationship ending. it kinda ended badly and there were things said that i didn't mean and i'm sure the other side did too. but that's normal. i have been listening to nine inch nails, my favorite band nad i have no idea why. until a silence came across the conversation. some lyrics blasted their way through the conversation brendan and i were having. the song was called -underneath it all- and i thought about what we had been talking about.
again.
see, over and over i keep thinking about why it went wrong. like i needed closure. well i do. or did, or. that doesn't matter. see, i wanted to walk on knowing that i had learned something. i mean i went through this, i have to have learned something. we talked and i said that what i had witnessed was a relationship going to a level beyond all that i had ever understood about a relationship and that's when it happened. it clicked. the reason it worked was becasue they understood a basic fundamental that superceeds all the shit. they were in love and they liked each other. the family members wer happy and liked each other. the in-laws liked each other. the friends (all diverse too) liked each other. everyone got along. i realized that when i was in my relationship, i wanted to be a part of her life. more than anything i always wanted to be near her. i would go to see her at work sometimes when she wouldn't see me just so i could stand outside her office door and watch her stamp books onimously just so i could be a part of her day if i didn't get to see her. i was in love. or am still, or ...that's un-answerable. after a year anyone is bound to stew about something for a long time. well long enough anyway. see, she was what i always wanted in a girl. she was to me, the hottest thing on two legs. she was a bit active, a bit lazy, unkempt and messy, but could shine like a new penny. she was good and i was bad, or at least mediocre, i thought that would attract her to me. and i guess it did a little, see she is er was, er i don't know anymore, really religious. and i am not. i go to church or did. i can't bring myself to anymore. hurts too much. but i always thought that God has been here to make our lives better. that we are supposed to be better becasue of it. not pained. and i alwaysa thought that people get too sidetracked with God. they argue over where he was born, what he looked like, if he was a he, whatever, instead of saying this is what was said and this is how you can live your life better, go and be cool to one another. and you will see what it means to be Godly. now. i always thought this and i still do. i think that not enough churches teach this. they teach the better ways to live but the church goers never embrace others. so my girl was the same and tought me to be likewise. i gave up on my family. my friends, my aquaintances, my interests, my own ideas and ideals, adn all that i knew. so that i could be more godly. it's not her fault. it was mine. i thought that's what i wanted. i was confused adn i was torn. see, noone wanted to hear from someone who lives one way and teaches another or says they stand for something and then change their mind. like a certian politician i won't mention here. i abandoned everything i knew to be with her. that's where i was wrong. and that's what i saw in spencer and christy's wedding. see they wanted to be a part of each other's lives. they wanted to be into each other nomatter what the other was doing, they wanted to be a part of it. i found that the best thing to do is not share interests, but the interst. to just want to be a part of the other person't life. if i was into going to my carclub and standing on the corner (or sitting like we do in out chairs) and talking about cars, then she should want to just sit there and be on my arm enjoying it. if she wanted to go dancing, then i should want to go out and learn to cut a rug like fred astair. it's not interests. it's one interest. the other person. i was blind to this becasue i hadn't been looking for it. i know that i could have done alot of things better (god does everyone say that after a relationship ends?) but then the lyrics came through. see i realized that i am still thinking of her. that i still do. i don't know what that means, if it means anything at all or if i'll regret writing this entire letter. but trent's lyrics have a new meaning to me. and i have understood him a little better. across all the albums too. i don't know if i have the answer, i know that i miss everything i had and love everything i have now. i asked myself the great difficult question. if i knew then what i know now, would i do it again? the answer is yes. in a heartbeat. and i would go back with her still. if things could be different than they were. if. there are to many ifs. but it is still the same, i would. maybe i am wrong, or obsessed, or just broken, but i still feel that there are a few things that could have been. i mean, i liked her family. loved them actually. though she says they hated me. i cared for her sister like she was my own sister. i made sure that she was advised to get out when she entered a crappy relationship, i made sure she had a ride to work when i was available. i tought her brother to drive better. i tought her to drive better. i took us all to the swimming hole as often as i could. i got shot by her dad and traded recipies with her mom. she never made an attempt to try to get to know my family. they made a difficult first impression and she never tried to work past it. it was stamped unnacceptable and i became the same after a while. i guess i was jaded toward the whole affair after a while. but anyone can only take so many times "your family is evil". i guess that's ok because first impressions are hard to get past. but tellimg me that they talked bad about her all the time was just wrong. and nomatter what i said i could not convince her otherwise. so i lied and gave in to her illusions. see they were always talking bad about me saying that i was never around and that "i hope she was worth it, man!". i still hear it today. i mean come on i abandoned my brother, mother, father, stepmother, and my two best friends for A YEAR! i deserved it. i lost one of them to her. and i may never see him again. (i am so sorry dustin.) love makes you do crazy messed up things. all i know is i am not over this yet and i may never be. but at least i may learn something yet from all of this. and that's the best i can hope for... for now.
all i do
i can still feel you
all i do
i can still feel you
all i do
i can still feel you
numb all through
i can still feel you
hear your call
underneath it all
kill my brain
yet you still remain
-
crucified
after all, i've died
after all i've tried
you are still inside
- NIN - underneath it all
see, having witnessed a wedding this recently of two people that i have known for three and a half years now has left a mark on my concience. and a new understanding of what a relationship is supposed to be. i'll be the first to admit that i am messed up after a one year relationship ending. it kinda ended badly and there were things said that i didn't mean and i'm sure the other side did too. but that's normal. i have been listening to nine inch nails, my favorite band nad i have no idea why. until a silence came across the conversation. some lyrics blasted their way through the conversation brendan and i were having. the song was called -underneath it all- and i thought about what we had been talking about.
again.
see, over and over i keep thinking about why it went wrong. like i needed closure. well i do. or did, or. that doesn't matter. see, i wanted to walk on knowing that i had learned something. i mean i went through this, i have to have learned something. we talked and i said that what i had witnessed was a relationship going to a level beyond all that i had ever understood about a relationship and that's when it happened. it clicked. the reason it worked was becasue they understood a basic fundamental that superceeds all the shit. they were in love and they liked each other. the family members wer happy and liked each other. the in-laws liked each other. the friends (all diverse too) liked each other. everyone got along. i realized that when i was in my relationship, i wanted to be a part of her life. more than anything i always wanted to be near her. i would go to see her at work sometimes when she wouldn't see me just so i could stand outside her office door and watch her stamp books onimously just so i could be a part of her day if i didn't get to see her. i was in love. or am still, or ...that's un-answerable. after a year anyone is bound to stew about something for a long time. well long enough anyway. see, she was what i always wanted in a girl. she was to me, the hottest thing on two legs. she was a bit active, a bit lazy, unkempt and messy, but could shine like a new penny. she was good and i was bad, or at least mediocre, i thought that would attract her to me. and i guess it did a little, see she is er was, er i don't know anymore, really religious. and i am not. i go to church or did. i can't bring myself to anymore. hurts too much. but i always thought that God has been here to make our lives better. that we are supposed to be better becasue of it. not pained. and i alwaysa thought that people get too sidetracked with God. they argue over where he was born, what he looked like, if he was a he, whatever, instead of saying this is what was said and this is how you can live your life better, go and be cool to one another. and you will see what it means to be Godly. now. i always thought this and i still do. i think that not enough churches teach this. they teach the better ways to live but the church goers never embrace others. so my girl was the same and tought me to be likewise. i gave up on my family. my friends, my aquaintances, my interests, my own ideas and ideals, adn all that i knew. so that i could be more godly. it's not her fault. it was mine. i thought that's what i wanted. i was confused adn i was torn. see, noone wanted to hear from someone who lives one way and teaches another or says they stand for something and then change their mind. like a certian politician i won't mention here. i abandoned everything i knew to be with her. that's where i was wrong. and that's what i saw in spencer and christy's wedding. see they wanted to be a part of each other's lives. they wanted to be into each other nomatter what the other was doing, they wanted to be a part of it. i found that the best thing to do is not share interests, but the interst. to just want to be a part of the other person't life. if i was into going to my carclub and standing on the corner (or sitting like we do in out chairs) and talking about cars, then she should want to just sit there and be on my arm enjoying it. if she wanted to go dancing, then i should want to go out and learn to cut a rug like fred astair. it's not interests. it's one interest. the other person. i was blind to this becasue i hadn't been looking for it. i know that i could have done alot of things better (god does everyone say that after a relationship ends?) but then the lyrics came through. see i realized that i am still thinking of her. that i still do. i don't know what that means, if it means anything at all or if i'll regret writing this entire letter. but trent's lyrics have a new meaning to me. and i have understood him a little better. across all the albums too. i don't know if i have the answer, i know that i miss everything i had and love everything i have now. i asked myself the great difficult question. if i knew then what i know now, would i do it again? the answer is yes. in a heartbeat. and i would go back with her still. if things could be different than they were. if. there are to many ifs. but it is still the same, i would. maybe i am wrong, or obsessed, or just broken, but i still feel that there are a few things that could have been. i mean, i liked her family. loved them actually. though she says they hated me. i cared for her sister like she was my own sister. i made sure that she was advised to get out when she entered a crappy relationship, i made sure she had a ride to work when i was available. i tought her brother to drive better. i tought her to drive better. i took us all to the swimming hole as often as i could. i got shot by her dad and traded recipies with her mom. she never made an attempt to try to get to know my family. they made a difficult first impression and she never tried to work past it. it was stamped unnacceptable and i became the same after a while. i guess i was jaded toward the whole affair after a while. but anyone can only take so many times "your family is evil". i guess that's ok because first impressions are hard to get past. but tellimg me that they talked bad about her all the time was just wrong. and nomatter what i said i could not convince her otherwise. so i lied and gave in to her illusions. see they were always talking bad about me saying that i was never around and that "i hope she was worth it, man!". i still hear it today. i mean come on i abandoned my brother, mother, father, stepmother, and my two best friends for A YEAR! i deserved it. i lost one of them to her. and i may never see him again. (i am so sorry dustin.) love makes you do crazy messed up things. all i know is i am not over this yet and i may never be. but at least i may learn something yet from all of this. and that's the best i can hope for... for now.
all i do
i can still feel you
all i do
i can still feel you
all i do
i can still feel you
numb all through
i can still feel you
hear your call
underneath it all
kill my brain
yet you still remain
-
crucified
after all, i've died
after all i've tried
you are still inside
- NIN - underneath it all