x posted

[rock_that_ice]

The fact that someone who actually possesses a tiny bit of intelligence, can approve a war, can approve senseless killing of innocent children in other countries..yet can be so against a woman's right to choose whether or not to keep her child..made me realize something today. PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID. But, no matter how angry you get at them, no matter how much you wish to slam their huge pale skinned foreheads into the gray concrete outside of the freshly painted school, under the endless light blue sky...they will still be stupid. They will still hold the opinions of their parents and churches, "the local stores that sell people lies made up in the distant factories of giant religions" (Palahniuk, 272) They will still believe that American Idol is the greatest concept and television show and THING ever thought of and produced and followed. When asked "Name something you like to do" for a project in a Sophomore HighSchool class, they will still put "shopping." But despite all this, I get so incredibly heated and I freak out. I yell at this ignorant excuse for a human. Wait..Humans aren't anything great to begin with, with the exception of a select few, of course..right? In an effort to calm myself down, I breathe, in and out, in the nose, out the mouth, concentrate on the silence, in and out, in and out, in and out, nose mouth nose mouth sit up straight, in out in outinoutinout. My brain swells to the size of a basketball, with so much damn stress and anger towards someone who does not, and will not, and should not ever mean anything to me. I let too many ridiculous things affect my stability, my thoughts, my mind. So why do I complain? Why do I allow myself to become a hypocrite? Basic human ignorance? Perhaps. Society's hold on anyone who grew up in it? Society DOES affect everyone who has grown up in one, despite great attempts to break away, especially someone as young as I. "The only thing I know is everything you love will die. The first time you meet that special someone, you can count on them one day being dead and in the ground." (Palahniuk, 277)I tend to lean back upon this idea, this fact, actually. Eventually I calm down and return to this constant way of thinking. Eventually I'll be content, I'll eat something, I'll listen to a song, I'll talk to a friend. And the cycle will continue, and do I want it to stop? "People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown." (Palahniuk, 282) Will I ever be able to accept things? I am beginning to. I am beginning to see that I somewhat enjoy the chaos that other people create in my head. The insanity it brings with it feels amazing, the adreneline, the quick paced reactions, the comebacks, the yelling, the fighting. I'm a boiling pit of drama. I'm a silent, lake, on a windless day. From one to the other, in a snap.

*Palahniuk, Chuck. Survivor. New York: Anchor Books, 1999.