(no subject)
Note to self: Stop documenting days you don't want to remember.
I just found my journal from the cruise I went on before freshman year. I just.....There are definitely some things I really did not want to remember quite so vividly. Damn, that sucked...
Now I have to spend the rest of the night contemplating my relentless naivety and how I've been taken advantage of so many times in life... and that I should change that, but something inside won't let me. It's almost like... a chain reaction of sorts. And the root of this problem is something I absolutely refuse to change. So being taken advantage of is a small price to pay for maintaining what I wish to maintain, I suppose. It happens. It has happened, it will continue to happen. All I can hope for is a little reciprocity, I guess? I swear to God, I wish I didn't have to be like this. But I wouldn't be able to live any other way..This is just me. And yeah, people see that and they see me as a target or a victim. And I think that's sad. Especially sad that I've experienced it so many times at such a young age and over the course of such a short period of time. Why can't people just....ughhha;sldkjfa;lksd. I just.. I'm so trusting. I want to be able to trust everyone. And I realize there are people that I cannot trust. And I've made my peace with that. I've learned to enjoy the good qualities in everyone and not even mess with the bad ones -- If I can't trust you, I can't trust you; that doesn't mean we can't share a laugh or two, anyhow. But it's the ones who are deliberately deceptive in order to obtain a certain goal that get me in trouble. The ones who use me as a pawn. Because I'm so damn ready and willing to help, advise, counsel, befriend, listen, laugh, whatever. It's just easier to use those who comply. It fucking sucks. But there's really nothing I can do except be aware of it. Be cautious, wary. And even then, I still fuck myself over. I KNEW exactly what was going to happen, I knew what the outcome was going to be. What I didn't bank on was that it would do so much emotional damage. At that moment, the present outweighed the future. It's so easy to leave future problems in the future. But then they hit you like a ton of bricks when, suddenly, the future becomes the present. Fuck. I just want to find someone I can trust and who can trust me, without all the manipulation and plots and ploys. I absolutely cannot believe it is this hard to find a completely 100% honest, truthful, and trustworthy person. As a sworn optimist, this is most distressing and disheartening. God DAMN. I am so fucking pissed off at myself and so fucking disappointed in the general population. Having said that, I do realize there are exceptions and I hope to discover them soon.
Guys, I'm a mess.
I just found my journal from the cruise I went on before freshman year. I just.....There are definitely some things I really did not want to remember quite so vividly. Damn, that sucked...
Now I have to spend the rest of the night contemplating my relentless naivety and how I've been taken advantage of so many times in life... and that I should change that, but something inside won't let me. It's almost like... a chain reaction of sorts. And the root of this problem is something I absolutely refuse to change. So being taken advantage of is a small price to pay for maintaining what I wish to maintain, I suppose. It happens. It has happened, it will continue to happen. All I can hope for is a little reciprocity, I guess? I swear to God, I wish I didn't have to be like this. But I wouldn't be able to live any other way..This is just me. And yeah, people see that and they see me as a target or a victim. And I think that's sad. Especially sad that I've experienced it so many times at such a young age and over the course of such a short period of time. Why can't people just....ughhha;sldkjfa;lksd. I just.. I'm so trusting. I want to be able to trust everyone. And I realize there are people that I cannot trust. And I've made my peace with that. I've learned to enjoy the good qualities in everyone and not even mess with the bad ones -- If I can't trust you, I can't trust you; that doesn't mean we can't share a laugh or two, anyhow. But it's the ones who are deliberately deceptive in order to obtain a certain goal that get me in trouble. The ones who use me as a pawn. Because I'm so damn ready and willing to help, advise, counsel, befriend, listen, laugh, whatever. It's just easier to use those who comply. It fucking sucks. But there's really nothing I can do except be aware of it. Be cautious, wary. And even then, I still fuck myself over. I KNEW exactly what was going to happen, I knew what the outcome was going to be. What I didn't bank on was that it would do so much emotional damage. At that moment, the present outweighed the future. It's so easy to leave future problems in the future. But then they hit you like a ton of bricks when, suddenly, the future becomes the present. Fuck. I just want to find someone I can trust and who can trust me, without all the manipulation and plots and ploys. I absolutely cannot believe it is this hard to find a completely 100% honest, truthful, and trustworthy person. As a sworn optimist, this is most distressing and disheartening. God DAMN. I am so fucking pissed off at myself and so fucking disappointed in the general population. Having said that, I do realize there are exceptions and I hope to discover them soon.
Guys, I'm a mess.