(no subject)
how extreme.
emma graduated- i attended, lots of family, expensive meals, fruit salad, woodstock day school. lots of tears.
instead of fulfilling the raging kegger ideal that followed i went with lillie to boston. a 4 hour car ride with an old friend who i hadnt really spoken to for a year. i was friends with lillie far before emma, and it was only really when she left for school did me and emma get as close as we did. wierd. sisters. but its nice to have long car rides once in a while as a reminder that im not just "her sisters friend." we went to a crazy art school dance party where all of her friends completely revealed themselves to me in a matter of hours. and although i slowly sipped on 2 beers i did not feel the need to keep reaching out for another, and i did not smoke no matter how hard it was to resist. i was sober the entire night and have never felt more comfortabe at a party. i danced for the majority of the night, and recieved some very flattering compliments on my moves. i really fucking like to dance. it was a consious effort of me not to be "the bummed out kid" as ive often been accused of this past year. and dancing sincerely makes me happier than anything else in the world. so if i have to choose between feeling bored lonely and awkward, and dancing, than i should proabbly choose the ladder- despite how i think people will feel about me stepping into an entirely new situation and busting some moves to cyndi lauper before even introducing myself.
sunday- lillie took me to a magic show in which she is a lovely assistant. its this rediculous company that is so fucking hard to describe as anything but a cult. they have been performing the same show with nearly all the same people every sunday since the 1970s. they own 2 beautiful theatres- which are completely maintained by the 30 members themselves. after the show they go to the other theatre where they prey and eat together. both the theatres and the show are so aethetically beautiful. and the whole thing was the elaborate dream of this guy cesario aka marco the magi who was an illegal immigrant from cuba during the revolution, a psychology proffessor in miami and an incredible magician and is now in wheel chair due to a stroke and i think hes in his 80s. but the dude literally built himself a world to live in. and hes so charismatic, everyone is totally smitten with him, and he treated me like royalty. its fucking insane. when i was done helping clean up the theatre i went into the lobby to compliment him on the show and he was offering me things and told me i would come with him so he could show me the other theatre he said "go tell lillie you are coming with me, tell her not to get angry. she will meet you there" it was crazy, everything was so beautiful and everyones lives were like totally 100% dedicated to this show.
on our way back lil and i talked alot and i came to understand so may things i hadnt before and she helped me out alot. im starting to admit things to myself that were once easier to deny, and it feels good to detatch myself from things that i used to beleive that only hurt me to continue believing. thus far nothing has felt good enough for me to hold onto-im holding onto the past because im afraid it will just get worse from here. if i can find the courage to tell my self that what ive had, where ive been, and whove ive been in the past were insignificant than i can finally start searching for what IS significant-and more importantly what makes me feel good. but if i continue to mourn the past than i will continue to find myself in situations where i feel opressed.
theres so much to deal with, africa for example.
emma graduated- i attended, lots of family, expensive meals, fruit salad, woodstock day school. lots of tears.
instead of fulfilling the raging kegger ideal that followed i went with lillie to boston. a 4 hour car ride with an old friend who i hadnt really spoken to for a year. i was friends with lillie far before emma, and it was only really when she left for school did me and emma get as close as we did. wierd. sisters. but its nice to have long car rides once in a while as a reminder that im not just "her sisters friend." we went to a crazy art school dance party where all of her friends completely revealed themselves to me in a matter of hours. and although i slowly sipped on 2 beers i did not feel the need to keep reaching out for another, and i did not smoke no matter how hard it was to resist. i was sober the entire night and have never felt more comfortabe at a party. i danced for the majority of the night, and recieved some very flattering compliments on my moves. i really fucking like to dance. it was a consious effort of me not to be "the bummed out kid" as ive often been accused of this past year. and dancing sincerely makes me happier than anything else in the world. so if i have to choose between feeling bored lonely and awkward, and dancing, than i should proabbly choose the ladder- despite how i think people will feel about me stepping into an entirely new situation and busting some moves to cyndi lauper before even introducing myself.
sunday- lillie took me to a magic show in which she is a lovely assistant. its this rediculous company that is so fucking hard to describe as anything but a cult. they have been performing the same show with nearly all the same people every sunday since the 1970s. they own 2 beautiful theatres- which are completely maintained by the 30 members themselves. after the show they go to the other theatre where they prey and eat together. both the theatres and the show are so aethetically beautiful. and the whole thing was the elaborate dream of this guy cesario aka marco the magi who was an illegal immigrant from cuba during the revolution, a psychology proffessor in miami and an incredible magician and is now in wheel chair due to a stroke and i think hes in his 80s. but the dude literally built himself a world to live in. and hes so charismatic, everyone is totally smitten with him, and he treated me like royalty. its fucking insane. when i was done helping clean up the theatre i went into the lobby to compliment him on the show and he was offering me things and told me i would come with him so he could show me the other theatre he said "go tell lillie you are coming with me, tell her not to get angry. she will meet you there" it was crazy, everything was so beautiful and everyones lives were like totally 100% dedicated to this show.
on our way back lil and i talked alot and i came to understand so may things i hadnt before and she helped me out alot. im starting to admit things to myself that were once easier to deny, and it feels good to detatch myself from things that i used to beleive that only hurt me to continue believing. thus far nothing has felt good enough for me to hold onto-im holding onto the past because im afraid it will just get worse from here. if i can find the courage to tell my self that what ive had, where ive been, and whove ive been in the past were insignificant than i can finally start searching for what IS significant-and more importantly what makes me feel good. but if i continue to mourn the past than i will continue to find myself in situations where i feel opressed.
theres so much to deal with, africa for example.