(no subject)
I gave up coffee for lent. I don't really know why, but it's over now and I am drinking coffee again. The first time I had it again it made me terribly anxious and depressed, or rather it just exacerbated those issues. If it didn't give me insomnia I would probably start drinking alcohol again. There isn't anything I can do to cope with loneliness and hopelessness.
My work schedule is just about back to normal and it's such a nice work environment now. I'm lucky to have a nice job situation for myself. There's more free time to practice my saxophone and I've learned enough that I can play along to music to some extent by ear. I have a few issues: I still can't consistently get the highest and lowest notes. And I get exhausted after a while. There are parts of your face that you don't typically use until you play an instrument like this and I think I don't know how to use them yet without straining. I also think that I have some sort of issue with eye pressure. It might be intraocular hypertension, or something like that. It feels like the muscles around my eyes are stressed, and I wonder if the neck strap is putting too much pressure on my neck.
I kinda hate bands and all that stuff but I want to play the saxophone with other people. Why can't people just like music that's well-written and played good? I wish it were still possible to be a soft rock musician.
What really is possible but to be delusional about relevance.
I'm stuck with trying to do art in the 2010s. And I can do it alright, you can make art that's personal and emotional now and it doesn't have to be mired in hermeneutics. It helps if you can talk that stuff, but I think it's like that thing Wittgenstein wrote maybe about philosophy being a ladder that you climb just to get rid of it... the point of learning to articulate the "but what really is art" stuff (oh excuse me, I meant "art theory") is just to get past it and make things again. But for me, even when something works it doesn't seem like there's any point because it only ends up being a personal index of disappointment and pain and I don't want disappointment and pain. I want to feel loved. I want someone to be there to hug me. Instead I find someone who strings me along in text messages for a month only to invite me out just to give me the cold shoulder then ditch me at a bar.
"This picture looks like a fairy tale but it's about someone treating me like a piece of garbage and how much it hurts."
People like looking at it and hearing me talk shit about art but I'm really personally very bitter and unhappy and that's all there is.
My work schedule is just about back to normal and it's such a nice work environment now. I'm lucky to have a nice job situation for myself. There's more free time to practice my saxophone and I've learned enough that I can play along to music to some extent by ear. I have a few issues: I still can't consistently get the highest and lowest notes. And I get exhausted after a while. There are parts of your face that you don't typically use until you play an instrument like this and I think I don't know how to use them yet without straining. I also think that I have some sort of issue with eye pressure. It might be intraocular hypertension, or something like that. It feels like the muscles around my eyes are stressed, and I wonder if the neck strap is putting too much pressure on my neck.
I kinda hate bands and all that stuff but I want to play the saxophone with other people. Why can't people just like music that's well-written and played good? I wish it were still possible to be a soft rock musician.
What really is possible but to be delusional about relevance.
I'm stuck with trying to do art in the 2010s. And I can do it alright, you can make art that's personal and emotional now and it doesn't have to be mired in hermeneutics. It helps if you can talk that stuff, but I think it's like that thing Wittgenstein wrote maybe about philosophy being a ladder that you climb just to get rid of it... the point of learning to articulate the "but what really is art" stuff (oh excuse me, I meant "art theory") is just to get past it and make things again. But for me, even when something works it doesn't seem like there's any point because it only ends up being a personal index of disappointment and pain and I don't want disappointment and pain. I want to feel loved. I want someone to be there to hug me. Instead I find someone who strings me along in text messages for a month only to invite me out just to give me the cold shoulder then ditch me at a bar.
"This picture looks like a fairy tale but it's about someone treating me like a piece of garbage and how much it hurts."
People like looking at it and hearing me talk shit about art but I'm really personally very bitter and unhappy and that's all there is.