(no subject)
I feel neurotic. I don't feel well and I am worried I am having a stroke, even though I know I am not. Maybe I need to laugh or cry or something. It's necessary to do that sometimes, to experience your emotions as a bodily function. It sometimes feels like there is an emotion trying to make itself felt, but I can't feel it, the way you need to sneeze sometimes but can't. It really feels awful, and it can go on for days. I have a song that makes me sob uncontrollably for 20 minutes after it's over. It's called "The Dream Before" by Laurie Anderson.
For some reason I am very agitated. Part of the reason I can identify is that it's the time of year where the sun shines through a window on the only good place I have to write or draw with my tablet so I can't work. Right now I am typing with my laptop on my lap. And I think I am straining my body and eyes with computer work. That must be the feeling that makes me worried about having a stroke. My neck and eyes feel weak. I've been doing this too often. It's bad for my body and mind I think.
When my body hurts I can become so anxious or depressed. I kinda think there's no difference between my body and my mind.
I feel like I am recovering from something. I read Molly Soda on twitter write that quitting drinking gave her anxiety, then I read a yahoo news story that was something like "8 things that will happen when you quit drinking" and it didn't mention that, so I think it must be true. The anxiety is something that was already there, but I just stopped avoiding it. I've figured out that I don't have a disorder, but I do have anxiety. Loneliness and isolation trigger it for me often. I didn't talk to anyone today.
I am calm over the girl I like. After we went out, I wanted to talk to her every day. I still wish I could, but it's ok. There was ambiguity and I wanted too much too soon. I can be patient, and I can even handle rejection now, but just not knowing made me feel like I am going nuts. This has gotten me thinking about whether ambiguity is what makes me become neurotic and anxious. I have a terrible fear of dementia, which I imagine the possibility of whenever I feel some ambiguous pain, as if to think "there it is! I must not be getting enough blood to my brain because my neck feels weak, it's a stroke, there goes my sanity!"
I'm sure I am also anxious over the general everyday ambiguities of post modernity too. My instinct is still avoiding everything I can, but that was the problem I am trying to get over, so I can't keep doing that. I think that if you are a sensitive person, the 21st century can be so jarring that you feel as if your sanity is being strained. Media is so ubiquitous and insidious that it's like a virtual schizophrenia.
And I'm still at a loss about making art. I feel inspired but I just can't commit anything. I watch videos of people doing drawing tutorials and speedpaints and stuff on youtube and I wish I could be so happy and talented making the stuff I make. Or I wish art departments wouldn't insist on pushing these people out or trying to force them into doing something like minimalism. It just seems bizarre to me that you can go to an art department and not find a single person who uses a tablet.
For some reason I am very agitated. Part of the reason I can identify is that it's the time of year where the sun shines through a window on the only good place I have to write or draw with my tablet so I can't work. Right now I am typing with my laptop on my lap. And I think I am straining my body and eyes with computer work. That must be the feeling that makes me worried about having a stroke. My neck and eyes feel weak. I've been doing this too often. It's bad for my body and mind I think.
When my body hurts I can become so anxious or depressed. I kinda think there's no difference between my body and my mind.
I feel like I am recovering from something. I read Molly Soda on twitter write that quitting drinking gave her anxiety, then I read a yahoo news story that was something like "8 things that will happen when you quit drinking" and it didn't mention that, so I think it must be true. The anxiety is something that was already there, but I just stopped avoiding it. I've figured out that I don't have a disorder, but I do have anxiety. Loneliness and isolation trigger it for me often. I didn't talk to anyone today.
I am calm over the girl I like. After we went out, I wanted to talk to her every day. I still wish I could, but it's ok. There was ambiguity and I wanted too much too soon. I can be patient, and I can even handle rejection now, but just not knowing made me feel like I am going nuts. This has gotten me thinking about whether ambiguity is what makes me become neurotic and anxious. I have a terrible fear of dementia, which I imagine the possibility of whenever I feel some ambiguous pain, as if to think "there it is! I must not be getting enough blood to my brain because my neck feels weak, it's a stroke, there goes my sanity!"
I'm sure I am also anxious over the general everyday ambiguities of post modernity too. My instinct is still avoiding everything I can, but that was the problem I am trying to get over, so I can't keep doing that. I think that if you are a sensitive person, the 21st century can be so jarring that you feel as if your sanity is being strained. Media is so ubiquitous and insidious that it's like a virtual schizophrenia.
And I'm still at a loss about making art. I feel inspired but I just can't commit anything. I watch videos of people doing drawing tutorials and speedpaints and stuff on youtube and I wish I could be so happy and talented making the stuff I make. Or I wish art departments wouldn't insist on pushing these people out or trying to force them into doing something like minimalism. It just seems bizarre to me that you can go to an art department and not find a single person who uses a tablet.