"You better get on your knees and pray, panic is on the way"
Here's another sunday morning call
you hear your head a-bangin on the wall
Slip your shoes on and then out you crawl
into a day that couldn't give you more
but what for?
And in your head
do you feel
what your not supposed to feel
And you take
what you want
but you don't get it for free
You need
more time
cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
And I'm not sure
if it'll ever work out right
But it's okay
It's alright
When your lonely and you start to hear
the little voices in your head at night
You can only sniff away the tears
so you can dance until the morning light
At what price?
Will it ever ever ever work out right?
Thought i'd open with that. Kinda sums up things for me. Kinda like everything sucks right now and I don't even know how to feel about anything, and I haven't the slightest idea how anything in life is going to turn out. A depressing song, but even so, there's just that reassurance in it that it'll be okay. I guess everything will just have to be okay, no matter how life turns out, and no matter where it takes me, i'm just gonna have to accept the cards i'm dealt and try to make sense of it all. And I've been hung in a bad place, for too long for too long for too long....
If something good is gonna come along in my life, I wish it would. Lately it's just been no matter what direction I go in, there's just shit at the end of it. Wake up, go to work and that whole thing is just total BS. People keep saying "I thought they fired you" well I didn't fucking hear anything about it. Then it's to the hospital and Dan seems to be getting better everyday, but they still don't know what's wrong with him or what really happened. Then I come home and my mother is just getting crazier and more psychotic day by day, and my father is, well...He's still here and he's still holding out and I still have good times with him and I love him more than I love life itself, but he's not all there. He does some pretty funny shit, and sometimes his forgetfulness is amusing, but he's not all there. I don't know how much longer he's gonna be around, and somedays it just seems like he's not in there. The thought of him being totally not there is just...it's hard to come to terms with I guess. I came home tonight and my mother was telling me that he asked her why he had a huge scar down his chest. He didn't remember all the open heart surgery he had and what had happened. I'm holding on by a thread at the moment, and I can't take anything else on right now. Just feel like I've been keeping everything in there and trying to just push through and make it out of the bad times, but, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I feel like I need something to just make everything all better again, and I don't know where to find that. The last time I had this feeling I cut myself. I remember the first time I cut myself too. I felt so much better, I felt like I had relieved so much tension and like everything was gonna be okay after that. I had finally been able to see the pain I was feeling. That's a road I don't want to go back down though, because it landed me in the mental ward for a night, and I don't ever ever ever want to be there again. I don't want to end up in that same hole i was in through out high school. For a while I just didn't understand what made me do it, or why anyone would do it. Right now though, I understand. I know why I did it, and the idea doesn't seem as crazy as it usually does. I'm not going to do that though, because I know if I did I'd feel like total complete shit, and even if I didn't and felt better, I've been SI free for almost 3 years now, and I want that number to keep going up. It seems like so many people are SIers now and kind of like its come in on a whiney emo fad, but true SI addiction is a lot more than that. When it comes to the point where you can't go through an entire day without it, it's a problem. I remember I would make up some excuse in class to go to the nurse, and i'd get there and tell them I needed to lie down, and I would shut the door turn off the lights and crawl under a desk with my hands shaking digging through my purse for a razor and I would slash my arms over and over again. When I had finished and cleaned up the blood and look at what I had done, I would hate myself even more for it, feeling unhappy that I had scarred myself so much, and at the same time thinking I didn't hurt myself as much as I deserved to, and I would do it again, before the cuts had even stopped bleeding. I don't ever want to feel like that again. At the same time though, the thought is in my head and that same exact feeling I would get when I craved it is there. I haven't had this feeling since I stopped, but I have it right now. I don't think I'll do it, but I think I'm gonna give Dave a call and see if he wants to come keep me company, just to be on the safe side. Becoming SI free was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life, and I definitely don't want to have to do it all over again.
you hear your head a-bangin on the wall
Slip your shoes on and then out you crawl
into a day that couldn't give you more
but what for?
And in your head
do you feel
what your not supposed to feel
And you take
what you want
but you don't get it for free
You need
more time
cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
And I'm not sure
if it'll ever work out right
But it's okay
It's alright
When your lonely and you start to hear
the little voices in your head at night
You can only sniff away the tears
so you can dance until the morning light
At what price?
Will it ever ever ever work out right?
Thought i'd open with that. Kinda sums up things for me. Kinda like everything sucks right now and I don't even know how to feel about anything, and I haven't the slightest idea how anything in life is going to turn out. A depressing song, but even so, there's just that reassurance in it that it'll be okay. I guess everything will just have to be okay, no matter how life turns out, and no matter where it takes me, i'm just gonna have to accept the cards i'm dealt and try to make sense of it all. And I've been hung in a bad place, for too long for too long for too long....
If something good is gonna come along in my life, I wish it would. Lately it's just been no matter what direction I go in, there's just shit at the end of it. Wake up, go to work and that whole thing is just total BS. People keep saying "I thought they fired you" well I didn't fucking hear anything about it. Then it's to the hospital and Dan seems to be getting better everyday, but they still don't know what's wrong with him or what really happened. Then I come home and my mother is just getting crazier and more psychotic day by day, and my father is, well...He's still here and he's still holding out and I still have good times with him and I love him more than I love life itself, but he's not all there. He does some pretty funny shit, and sometimes his forgetfulness is amusing, but he's not all there. I don't know how much longer he's gonna be around, and somedays it just seems like he's not in there. The thought of him being totally not there is just...it's hard to come to terms with I guess. I came home tonight and my mother was telling me that he asked her why he had a huge scar down his chest. He didn't remember all the open heart surgery he had and what had happened. I'm holding on by a thread at the moment, and I can't take anything else on right now. Just feel like I've been keeping everything in there and trying to just push through and make it out of the bad times, but, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I feel like I need something to just make everything all better again, and I don't know where to find that. The last time I had this feeling I cut myself. I remember the first time I cut myself too. I felt so much better, I felt like I had relieved so much tension and like everything was gonna be okay after that. I had finally been able to see the pain I was feeling. That's a road I don't want to go back down though, because it landed me in the mental ward for a night, and I don't ever ever ever want to be there again. I don't want to end up in that same hole i was in through out high school. For a while I just didn't understand what made me do it, or why anyone would do it. Right now though, I understand. I know why I did it, and the idea doesn't seem as crazy as it usually does. I'm not going to do that though, because I know if I did I'd feel like total complete shit, and even if I didn't and felt better, I've been SI free for almost 3 years now, and I want that number to keep going up. It seems like so many people are SIers now and kind of like its come in on a whiney emo fad, but true SI addiction is a lot more than that. When it comes to the point where you can't go through an entire day without it, it's a problem. I remember I would make up some excuse in class to go to the nurse, and i'd get there and tell them I needed to lie down, and I would shut the door turn off the lights and crawl under a desk with my hands shaking digging through my purse for a razor and I would slash my arms over and over again. When I had finished and cleaned up the blood and look at what I had done, I would hate myself even more for it, feeling unhappy that I had scarred myself so much, and at the same time thinking I didn't hurt myself as much as I deserved to, and I would do it again, before the cuts had even stopped bleeding. I don't ever want to feel like that again. At the same time though, the thought is in my head and that same exact feeling I would get when I craved it is there. I haven't had this feeling since I stopped, but I have it right now. I don't think I'll do it, but I think I'm gonna give Dave a call and see if he wants to come keep me company, just to be on the safe side. Becoming SI free was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life, and I definitely don't want to have to do it all over again.