"It just keeps going on, doesn't it?"
*sigh* it's just been one of those fucking weeks where everything in life decides to just pull a fucking Shaun of the Dead on you, I'm surprised I haven't gotten caught under a raincloud that just started pouring down on me. Thats pretty much what it's been like lately. Like there's just something up there that decided to just beat us all down. I'm a strong believer in what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. This whole thing with Dan has just made me realize how much I've come to care about him. He was my night owl buddy, and I would leave my house at like 2am to go smoke a bowl or two with him on his porch, and then he'd make me watch some god awful pretty twisted movie that he knew i would love, and then go out and watch the sunrise and then come home and pass out. I just want him to be back to himself and not feel so miserable. It sucks because everyone feels so helpless about it. Dan is not one to be totally out on his ass, even when he had that thing with his back where he probably should have been in bed and on some good strong meds to kick it out of him, he was still up and about. If he's only 24 and he's already died twice, then theres no way whatever it is thats wrong with him is gonna kick him down. Right now the only thing we can do is stay by his side and try to make him laugh and let him know that we're gonna be there for the good and the bad and we're all there to give him whatever he needs. I'm definitely gonna do everything in my power to be there with him and just let him know he's loved. Even if i'm there watching him sleep most of the day, it's just what you gotta do. I'm sure talking to him and him seeing familiar faces helps out a lot, and his speech seems to be improving everyday, and they finally fed him some dan food so he's eating which is good. Today was a no test day since its sunday, and thats probably for the best, he needs to get some sleep without people poking at him. Tomorrow we're gonna bring him up a little radio and i think he has some CDs there but only a diskman, so hopefully they'll let him have a radio in there with a CD player. At least he can fall asleep to music instead of the TV.
As I was leaving the hospital after seeing him, i walk to my car in the garage and i'm like "wait a minute...my tires aren't that low..." and i've got a fucking flat tire. That totally sucked, but luckily I have AAA and a spare tire and a donut in my car, but it was just one of those moments where you just think "is there anything else that could possibly go wrong?". So after that fiasco I went over to dunkin cos I had told colleen i'd be there around 6:30, and I was running late as it was, so I get there at like 830. I went in and made some coffee and go to look at the schedule for this week, and tisha fucked everything all up and scheduled me and dave and a new person for monday night. Thats all i'm scheduled for, is 6 fucking hours? WTF? She's just being a total fucking bitch about it, and I can't afford that right now. it's the only job i have, and my hours have been cut already so I'm barely even able to pay my bills as it is, and then that shit? no way. Plus xmas is like, right around the corner and i haven't even begun to go shopping for that, or even think about it, or even have any money at all for it. This whole thing totally sucks cos I can't buy pot right now, i know that and i'm not going to, but, right now i really fucking need it. Major suckage.
As if all this bullshit isn't enough, Jim had to go and fuck shit up even more than he did before. The whole thing is out in the open and i'm actually glad about that, but he's the reason it is. I had talked to him about a week or so ago about it, and he was threatening to tell colleen the whole thing, and i told him to shut up, and i was gonna talk to dan about it since he should have really been the one to tell her, and if he wasn't going to then I would do it. I explained that to Jim and he was like "okay". It's not any of his business in the first place to be saying anything about it, but he's a dickhead so whatever, not really upset about that since I was planning on talking to Dan about it the next time I saw him. Unfortunately the next time I did see him he was in a hospital bed and not able to speak. So I told jim this, and I know he doesn't give two shits about dan and he made that very clear to me, whatever thats his whole thing, but he had said to me he had nothing against colleen and he didn't want her to get hurt, hence why she had to find out about the whole thing. I agreed with him on that, it wasn't fair to her to be in the dark. But after Dan got sick I told jim specifically not to say anything to her because she was upset enough as it is with dan being in there, but also her grandfather is in there right now too, and he was like "oh that sucks, okay." So what did he do? He fucking told her, of all times, now. WTF? I put that aside until Dan was back up on his feet again because she didn't need to hear about any bullshit until he was better, there was just no need for it. So she's asking me about it, and at this point there is nothing I can do but tell her. I'm glad she finally knows about it, but there was no need for it to happen like it did. I'm just so completely angry with him for doing that right now. If he had done it at any other time i would have been like "yeah, okay, your a fucking asshole, but fine" but since he did it after i had already told him what was going on, then it's just fucked up. The only reason I didn't want him to say anything right now is because the only thing it would do at this moment in time is just hurt Colleen even more than she already is. So he did it only to hurt her, thats the only thing he accomplished with it. Although I will say, Colleen and I have become a lot closer since that, and that is a good thing. I'm sure in the end it will all work out for the best and actually help the situation. But I learned something. Jim was a great boyfriend for the most part, he loved me and he showed it to me all the time, he was there for me, and we just loved each other, and it was great. After we broke up though, I saw a side of him that was just awful. Saying how much of a slut I am, trying to make me feel bad telling me i'm like my mother, telling me i'm not going anywhere in life. Right now life sucks and everything is just a big depressing blah, but aside from everything thats just happened, i'm still happy with the way my life is. I'm learning a lot about myself right now, and what kind of person I really am, and what kind of people I like to surround myself with, and i'm happy with the friends i have and the choices i have made. My friends make me happy, and thats what friends are for. They always make me feel better, and they always make me laugh. Jim right now is just not worth getting angry about, it's not worth caring about him, it's really not even worth thinking about him. I did love him though, there was a point in time where he was everything to me, and he was the best thing that happened to me, but then I just didn't love him anymore and just started to not like being with him. It's just a depressing thing to think that we did feel like that for each other, and now it's the way it is. As of now, I'm glad I hurt him so bad when we broke up. I'm glad he got depressed over it, and i really do hope that I ripped his heart out from his chest, stomped on it and spit on it and handed it back to him with a big grin on my face. I hope thats how he feels about me right now. The universe tends to unfold as it should.
The feelings i've had about this whole thing make me feel like i did when i was a cutter. Like everything in life just sucks so much. I think i just went numb to everything and started cutting, and pretty soon even that didn't do it for me. If I was still like that, I'm sure I would be carving my skin up like crazy right now. Luckily I'm not a cutter anymore, and that is the last thing that I want to do. I've found better releases for all those feelings, and i'm trying to stick to them. I've noticed that whenever I feel this way, like just everything in life is just a dead end of frustration and just fucking depressing, I listen to classical music a lot. Lately its been the requiem. I dunno, there's just something about the sound of an orchestra playing something that is just so absolutely beautiful that soothes the soul. There are just some feelings that there are no words for it, and to me, music can just suck you in and make you go "that is exactly how i feel". Thats why I love the requiem so much, it's just an absolutely beautiful piece of music that just rips me right into it.
Anyhow, I think i've written enough for now. I'm off to try to sleep.
As I was leaving the hospital after seeing him, i walk to my car in the garage and i'm like "wait a minute...my tires aren't that low..." and i've got a fucking flat tire. That totally sucked, but luckily I have AAA and a spare tire and a donut in my car, but it was just one of those moments where you just think "is there anything else that could possibly go wrong?". So after that fiasco I went over to dunkin cos I had told colleen i'd be there around 6:30, and I was running late as it was, so I get there at like 830. I went in and made some coffee and go to look at the schedule for this week, and tisha fucked everything all up and scheduled me and dave and a new person for monday night. Thats all i'm scheduled for, is 6 fucking hours? WTF? She's just being a total fucking bitch about it, and I can't afford that right now. it's the only job i have, and my hours have been cut already so I'm barely even able to pay my bills as it is, and then that shit? no way. Plus xmas is like, right around the corner and i haven't even begun to go shopping for that, or even think about it, or even have any money at all for it. This whole thing totally sucks cos I can't buy pot right now, i know that and i'm not going to, but, right now i really fucking need it. Major suckage.
As if all this bullshit isn't enough, Jim had to go and fuck shit up even more than he did before. The whole thing is out in the open and i'm actually glad about that, but he's the reason it is. I had talked to him about a week or so ago about it, and he was threatening to tell colleen the whole thing, and i told him to shut up, and i was gonna talk to dan about it since he should have really been the one to tell her, and if he wasn't going to then I would do it. I explained that to Jim and he was like "okay". It's not any of his business in the first place to be saying anything about it, but he's a dickhead so whatever, not really upset about that since I was planning on talking to Dan about it the next time I saw him. Unfortunately the next time I did see him he was in a hospital bed and not able to speak. So I told jim this, and I know he doesn't give two shits about dan and he made that very clear to me, whatever thats his whole thing, but he had said to me he had nothing against colleen and he didn't want her to get hurt, hence why she had to find out about the whole thing. I agreed with him on that, it wasn't fair to her to be in the dark. But after Dan got sick I told jim specifically not to say anything to her because she was upset enough as it is with dan being in there, but also her grandfather is in there right now too, and he was like "oh that sucks, okay." So what did he do? He fucking told her, of all times, now. WTF? I put that aside until Dan was back up on his feet again because she didn't need to hear about any bullshit until he was better, there was just no need for it. So she's asking me about it, and at this point there is nothing I can do but tell her. I'm glad she finally knows about it, but there was no need for it to happen like it did. I'm just so completely angry with him for doing that right now. If he had done it at any other time i would have been like "yeah, okay, your a fucking asshole, but fine" but since he did it after i had already told him what was going on, then it's just fucked up. The only reason I didn't want him to say anything right now is because the only thing it would do at this moment in time is just hurt Colleen even more than she already is. So he did it only to hurt her, thats the only thing he accomplished with it. Although I will say, Colleen and I have become a lot closer since that, and that is a good thing. I'm sure in the end it will all work out for the best and actually help the situation. But I learned something. Jim was a great boyfriend for the most part, he loved me and he showed it to me all the time, he was there for me, and we just loved each other, and it was great. After we broke up though, I saw a side of him that was just awful. Saying how much of a slut I am, trying to make me feel bad telling me i'm like my mother, telling me i'm not going anywhere in life. Right now life sucks and everything is just a big depressing blah, but aside from everything thats just happened, i'm still happy with the way my life is. I'm learning a lot about myself right now, and what kind of person I really am, and what kind of people I like to surround myself with, and i'm happy with the friends i have and the choices i have made. My friends make me happy, and thats what friends are for. They always make me feel better, and they always make me laugh. Jim right now is just not worth getting angry about, it's not worth caring about him, it's really not even worth thinking about him. I did love him though, there was a point in time where he was everything to me, and he was the best thing that happened to me, but then I just didn't love him anymore and just started to not like being with him. It's just a depressing thing to think that we did feel like that for each other, and now it's the way it is. As of now, I'm glad I hurt him so bad when we broke up. I'm glad he got depressed over it, and i really do hope that I ripped his heart out from his chest, stomped on it and spit on it and handed it back to him with a big grin on my face. I hope thats how he feels about me right now. The universe tends to unfold as it should.
The feelings i've had about this whole thing make me feel like i did when i was a cutter. Like everything in life just sucks so much. I think i just went numb to everything and started cutting, and pretty soon even that didn't do it for me. If I was still like that, I'm sure I would be carving my skin up like crazy right now. Luckily I'm not a cutter anymore, and that is the last thing that I want to do. I've found better releases for all those feelings, and i'm trying to stick to them. I've noticed that whenever I feel this way, like just everything in life is just a dead end of frustration and just fucking depressing, I listen to classical music a lot. Lately its been the requiem. I dunno, there's just something about the sound of an orchestra playing something that is just so absolutely beautiful that soothes the soul. There are just some feelings that there are no words for it, and to me, music can just suck you in and make you go "that is exactly how i feel". Thats why I love the requiem so much, it's just an absolutely beautiful piece of music that just rips me right into it.
Anyhow, I think i've written enough for now. I'm off to try to sleep.