Sitting on a throne will give a bad back to ya.
Dave: "It's kinda like our relationship except one of us like, being in love with the other one or whatever"
Me: "but dave I love you...."
Long silence
Uncontrolable laughter.
I thought that was funny. Updating again. yeah. My ashtray is full of cigarette butts and they're catching on fire. So lets see...whats going on...
Dan's pretty sick at the moment, and that sorta sucks. He can't see very well or walk that much cos half of him is numb and he doesn't make a whole lotta sense i'm told, and that sorta sucks a bunch, but he's goin to the doc and i'm sure he'll be fine once they figure out what the hell is wrong with him. Hopefully all the pieces are where they're supposed to be in his head and nothing got messed up too much and they'll give him so pills or something to fix it.
Hung out with Maryland tonite cos she's my bitch and I love her :) Sat around and listened to music and smoked some pot and just bullshitted about stuff, and thats fun. Did the same with dave the other night, and that was fun as well. Love those guys for being so great :)
Things with Jim and I are...well...weird. It's weird not talking to him, and it's weird talking to him. Sometimes I feel like I don't even want to bother to try and stay friends or whatever just because it's so....weird. We fight a lot when we do talk, but i guess some fighting is good, cos it lets a lot of things out and we can learn from it or whatever, but I don't really like doing it. Other times I'll just miss him so much and i'll just want to see him and cuddle up in his arms and just, feel close to him, and forget about everything else in the world. I don't get it. I just miss all the good things that happened with us, and the way we were so in love and truly cared about each other. He was the world to me, and I miss the way we acted as stupid as we wanted around each other, and all the silly names we called each other, and how he'd randomly just be like "Muffin I love you!" and smother me with love and affection. I miss waking up next to him, and just all that great love stuff that happens. I don't miss all the fighting we did, and I don't miss the constant mistrust. We used to fight, and he'd leave, and then as soon as he was gone I'd want him to come back and be with me, and as soon as he came back I just wanted him to leave, and I didn't know why I felt that way. Maybe it would have turned out better if I had told him what was going on, but I don't know why I didn't. I didn't know how to tell him, I didn't want to tell him and then have it end or end up fighting again. I just don't get it. I don't want to be with him, at least not now, but I want to be at least friends, but it just seems like it's just not gonna happen. I'll try though, and maybe slowly things will get better between us, but, sometimes it just sort of seems like a losing battle. I don't know if I ever do want to get back together or not, and I don't want to become friends and then one of us want to be with the other one and then be heartbroken when it doesn't happen. So that whole thing is just a big fat question mark in my book.
There really isn't any desire for me to really have those sort of feelings for anyone right now. It's like Jim and I were such a huge...i dunno, thing. Really serious i love you and wanna be with you forever sort of thing, and I can't handle that right now. The idea of having a significant other is sort of appealing at the moment, but I don't want anything to that extent. It's kinda odd, the past couple of weeks I've just been thinking about girls a lot, and I hate girls. I hate how emotional they can be and how everything is such a big production and blah blah blah, well, you know the way girls are, right? I hate that. I know I'm a girl and I've got tits and a pussy and I like cheesecake and chocolate a lot, but thats about as much of a girl as i am. I don't like make up and looking pretty and doing my nails and all that fucking bullshit, and I don't want to date anyone that is like that, yet the idea of dating a female is very attractive to me at the moment. A girl that I can go places with, and hold her hand or kiss her on the cheek or whatever with. I don't really know anyone that I think would be interested in that. If there's any takers out there then let me know, lol. I haven't really experianced the whole dating scene with a girl. well, kind of, but nothing really serious. There was that whole weird thing in high school with someone and it was just...i dunno...we weren't ready for all the bullshit that happened i guess. I enjoyed certain aspects of it tho, and I would like to try it again sometime in the near future.
My mom is still a crazy psychotic bitch. It's kinda funny how that is now. I just don't care about her, like, in any way at all. If she were to drop dead right now I honestly would throw a huge party. It'd would just be like a huge thing of me being able to be myself and have my own room with my own stuff and everything in it would be my decision, and not hers. I could have people over and not have to worry about my mom coming down and throwing a fit over stupid shit. My dad is old and forgetful and I guess some people might be embarassed by him, but everyone of my friends that have met my dad think he's awesome, which he totally is. He can be annoying with the constant asking of what day is it and can you get my some juice and cigarettes and things like that, but, he's old and he's earned his right to be annoying.
My job still sucks and i hate it, but thats a constant. The whole thing has just made me like, totally hate rap music. I'm pretty open minded when it comes to my music likes. I like anything from punk to jazz to classical to rock to classic rock to opera to pretty much anything. I never really liked rap, but I could accept it in small doses around people that enjoyed it. For the past week at work they've had the muzack thing blasting just in your face rap with the most annoying sounds in the background. So to me it's just annoying noise with somebody talking over it in some language that I just don't understand at all. I don't get it, I'm sorry, I tried, but to me hip hop/rap/r&b is just useless noise that makes me mad. I'm forced to listen to this garbage while working in food service dealing with people all day. Thats like everything I hate all in one at the same time. Everything about that job is just wrong. There are only a few people there that I can even stand having a conversation with, let a lone work with, because everyone seems to be new and just, totally oblivious to common sense.
I know that bender is great and all, but have you ever considered that maybe he's, ya know, maybe, not so great?
Sometimes I get that feeling. It's not my place to say much about it, and I'm sure I don't know the half of it, so I'm not even going to discuss it any further than that.
I need to learn to cook, like, whoah. There's never food in this house though, like, not even food to cook if i even knew how to. The other night I wanted chicken, and granted I was a vegetarian for most of my life and didn't care about it at all, but now that i eat it, i don't know how to cook it. Like I told my mom to get me some, and i was happy that she actually did, but then I took it out of the fridge to make something to eat, and looking at it i was just like "this is really sad, but, i haven't the slightest idea at all about how to go about making this". No clue, at all. Nobody ever really taught me how to cook, god knows my mom doesn't. My cooking ability is basically premixed cake and brownies, eggs, french toast, pancakes, grilled cheese, ramen noodles, pasta, and well, thats about it. I don't know how to make, like...ya know, real food. Oh and cookies, i know how to make cookies, lol.
I've adapted this new outlook on life of just riding. Things are gonna turn out the way they will, and i'm just here to ride it out and let whatever happens, happen. Just kinda going along with the flow, going where ever it takes me. Don't beleive in God, not even sure if i believe in a higher being. Maybe? I don't know. Maybe there's something up there watching the world unfold, and maybe they control it, maybe they don't. People meet for a reason, people fall in love for a reason, things all just happen for a reason, and in the end, it'll all work out the way its supposed to. Thats the way I'd like to think of it at least.
Anyhow i'm just rambling now, so i'm gonna go make some fuckin food or whatever. yeah.
Me: "but dave I love you...."
Long silence
Uncontrolable laughter.
I thought that was funny. Updating again. yeah. My ashtray is full of cigarette butts and they're catching on fire. So lets see...whats going on...
Dan's pretty sick at the moment, and that sorta sucks. He can't see very well or walk that much cos half of him is numb and he doesn't make a whole lotta sense i'm told, and that sorta sucks a bunch, but he's goin to the doc and i'm sure he'll be fine once they figure out what the hell is wrong with him. Hopefully all the pieces are where they're supposed to be in his head and nothing got messed up too much and they'll give him so pills or something to fix it.
Hung out with Maryland tonite cos she's my bitch and I love her :) Sat around and listened to music and smoked some pot and just bullshitted about stuff, and thats fun. Did the same with dave the other night, and that was fun as well. Love those guys for being so great :)
Things with Jim and I are...well...weird. It's weird not talking to him, and it's weird talking to him. Sometimes I feel like I don't even want to bother to try and stay friends or whatever just because it's so....weird. We fight a lot when we do talk, but i guess some fighting is good, cos it lets a lot of things out and we can learn from it or whatever, but I don't really like doing it. Other times I'll just miss him so much and i'll just want to see him and cuddle up in his arms and just, feel close to him, and forget about everything else in the world. I don't get it. I just miss all the good things that happened with us, and the way we were so in love and truly cared about each other. He was the world to me, and I miss the way we acted as stupid as we wanted around each other, and all the silly names we called each other, and how he'd randomly just be like "Muffin I love you!" and smother me with love and affection. I miss waking up next to him, and just all that great love stuff that happens. I don't miss all the fighting we did, and I don't miss the constant mistrust. We used to fight, and he'd leave, and then as soon as he was gone I'd want him to come back and be with me, and as soon as he came back I just wanted him to leave, and I didn't know why I felt that way. Maybe it would have turned out better if I had told him what was going on, but I don't know why I didn't. I didn't know how to tell him, I didn't want to tell him and then have it end or end up fighting again. I just don't get it. I don't want to be with him, at least not now, but I want to be at least friends, but it just seems like it's just not gonna happen. I'll try though, and maybe slowly things will get better between us, but, sometimes it just sort of seems like a losing battle. I don't know if I ever do want to get back together or not, and I don't want to become friends and then one of us want to be with the other one and then be heartbroken when it doesn't happen. So that whole thing is just a big fat question mark in my book.
There really isn't any desire for me to really have those sort of feelings for anyone right now. It's like Jim and I were such a huge...i dunno, thing. Really serious i love you and wanna be with you forever sort of thing, and I can't handle that right now. The idea of having a significant other is sort of appealing at the moment, but I don't want anything to that extent. It's kinda odd, the past couple of weeks I've just been thinking about girls a lot, and I hate girls. I hate how emotional they can be and how everything is such a big production and blah blah blah, well, you know the way girls are, right? I hate that. I know I'm a girl and I've got tits and a pussy and I like cheesecake and chocolate a lot, but thats about as much of a girl as i am. I don't like make up and looking pretty and doing my nails and all that fucking bullshit, and I don't want to date anyone that is like that, yet the idea of dating a female is very attractive to me at the moment. A girl that I can go places with, and hold her hand or kiss her on the cheek or whatever with. I don't really know anyone that I think would be interested in that. If there's any takers out there then let me know, lol. I haven't really experianced the whole dating scene with a girl. well, kind of, but nothing really serious. There was that whole weird thing in high school with someone and it was just...i dunno...we weren't ready for all the bullshit that happened i guess. I enjoyed certain aspects of it tho, and I would like to try it again sometime in the near future.
My mom is still a crazy psychotic bitch. It's kinda funny how that is now. I just don't care about her, like, in any way at all. If she were to drop dead right now I honestly would throw a huge party. It'd would just be like a huge thing of me being able to be myself and have my own room with my own stuff and everything in it would be my decision, and not hers. I could have people over and not have to worry about my mom coming down and throwing a fit over stupid shit. My dad is old and forgetful and I guess some people might be embarassed by him, but everyone of my friends that have met my dad think he's awesome, which he totally is. He can be annoying with the constant asking of what day is it and can you get my some juice and cigarettes and things like that, but, he's old and he's earned his right to be annoying.
My job still sucks and i hate it, but thats a constant. The whole thing has just made me like, totally hate rap music. I'm pretty open minded when it comes to my music likes. I like anything from punk to jazz to classical to rock to classic rock to opera to pretty much anything. I never really liked rap, but I could accept it in small doses around people that enjoyed it. For the past week at work they've had the muzack thing blasting just in your face rap with the most annoying sounds in the background. So to me it's just annoying noise with somebody talking over it in some language that I just don't understand at all. I don't get it, I'm sorry, I tried, but to me hip hop/rap/r&b is just useless noise that makes me mad. I'm forced to listen to this garbage while working in food service dealing with people all day. Thats like everything I hate all in one at the same time. Everything about that job is just wrong. There are only a few people there that I can even stand having a conversation with, let a lone work with, because everyone seems to be new and just, totally oblivious to common sense.
I know that bender is great and all, but have you ever considered that maybe he's, ya know, maybe, not so great?
Sometimes I get that feeling. It's not my place to say much about it, and I'm sure I don't know the half of it, so I'm not even going to discuss it any further than that.
I need to learn to cook, like, whoah. There's never food in this house though, like, not even food to cook if i even knew how to. The other night I wanted chicken, and granted I was a vegetarian for most of my life and didn't care about it at all, but now that i eat it, i don't know how to cook it. Like I told my mom to get me some, and i was happy that she actually did, but then I took it out of the fridge to make something to eat, and looking at it i was just like "this is really sad, but, i haven't the slightest idea at all about how to go about making this". No clue, at all. Nobody ever really taught me how to cook, god knows my mom doesn't. My cooking ability is basically premixed cake and brownies, eggs, french toast, pancakes, grilled cheese, ramen noodles, pasta, and well, thats about it. I don't know how to make, like...ya know, real food. Oh and cookies, i know how to make cookies, lol.
I've adapted this new outlook on life of just riding. Things are gonna turn out the way they will, and i'm just here to ride it out and let whatever happens, happen. Just kinda going along with the flow, going where ever it takes me. Don't beleive in God, not even sure if i believe in a higher being. Maybe? I don't know. Maybe there's something up there watching the world unfold, and maybe they control it, maybe they don't. People meet for a reason, people fall in love for a reason, things all just happen for a reason, and in the end, it'll all work out the way its supposed to. Thats the way I'd like to think of it at least.
Anyhow i'm just rambling now, so i'm gonna go make some fuckin food or whatever. yeah.