Inception Reverse Bang: Text-Only

Apr 11, 2011 11:56





#1

Eames: Some days, I wonder if maybe I wouldn't be better off in a different profession. No corporate espionage, no possible gun fights...

Lion taming, maybe. Or croc wrangling.

Ariadne: Croc wrangling? You think maybe you’re England’s answer to Steve Irwin?

Eames: Minus the exaggerated accent and the death certificate- why not?

Ariadne: Well, for one thing, Arthur wouldn't let you. You might lose a limb or something.
That and it would ruin his clothes to visit you regularly.

Eames: rassafrassa mumblegrumble grrr...

Arthur: (eating ice cream) Moping, Eames? That’s unlike you.

Eames: I put it to you, darling. Would I make a good croc wrangler?

Arthur: Frankly, no. Stick to forging, please.
Eurgh, it’s melted too much. You want it?

Eames: (eating ice cream) Fine, no crocodiles and probably no reptiles, either. Nor lions, for that matter. Ah, well.
mmm, ice cream.

#2

Eames: ...so you see, in a dream, it's perfectly possible to have sex with yourself.

Or with yourself as the opposite gender, if you prefer.

Or maybe even a threesome-

Yusuf: STOP CORRUPTING MY GIRLFRIEND, EAMES.

Ariadne: I DON’T KNOW, YUSUF, THIS ACTUALLY SOUNDS INTERESTING.

Yusuf: ARI, IF YOU-OH, THIS IS IDIOTIC, I'M COMING OVER THERE.

Eames: ...right, I'll just walk away, now, shall I? Have fun working that out!

Arthur: (on the phone) Finally, no more yelling.
Yes, mom, I’m listening!

Eames: Why Arthur, I had no idea you were such a mummy’s boy!

Arthur: Oh, lord, Eames, not now.
No, mom, it's just my colleague, he's being an ass.
*sigh* Yes, yes, a butt, not an ass.

Eames: You're not normally this polite! Where's the foulmouthed fellow I spend 8 hours a day with?

Arthur: Yes, mom, I’m keeping myself healthy, and no, I really don’t swear that much.
Yes, really.

Eames: And tell her about the time we spent a week in Berlin without getting out of the hotel room once!

Arthur: Goddammit, Eames.

#3

THREE HOURS LATER…

Eames: To tell the truth, I'd never have pegged Arthur for someone on good terms with his parents.

You've got to wonder what they're like, considering who they raised. Turned out pretty well, I’d say.

Ariadne: I think it’s sweet. Maybe his mother kept things spic ‘n’ span and that’s where his need for specificity comes from.

Yusuf: ARE YOU TWO DISCUSSING THREESOMES AGAIN?

Ariadne: NO, YUSUF. WE’RE TALKING ABOUT ARTHUR’S PARENTS.

Yusuf: HIS PANTS?

Eames: NO, YUSUF, HIS PARENTS. HIS MOTHER AND FATHER.
Although I wouldn't mind discussing his pants...

LATER STILL…

Arthur: (on phone)...yes, yes, I'll be there for Emily's wedding. It's not 'til May, calm down.

Bye, mom. Say hi to dad for me. Love you. (hangs up)

Eames: Had fun catching up with the family, love?

Arthur: Yes, no thanks to you. If you keep this up you’ll never get to meet them.

Eames: Oh, have we reached that stage already?

Arthur: …maybe.

EVEN LATER STILL...

Eames: (on phone) Hello, Mother.
Oh, no reason. I just thought I'd call-
No, I'm not dying or anything. Honestly, Mother.
Well, Arthur hasn't told his parents properly about us-
No, no, he'll get around to it. We're just very busy right now, Mother.
Why did I think this was a good idea...

#4

Eames: Hmm... interesting smell in here. Like... cinnamon and clover, maybe. Or star anise. With a hint of strawberry...

Yusuf must be concocting something.

Somehow I doubt that's a new sedative he's creating over there.

Ariadne: Any idea what he is making?

Eames: Wouldn't know, but I think he's waggling his eyebrows behind that mask, so it's probably something for you.
OI, YUSUF. ARE YOU WAGGLING YOUR EYEBROWS?

Yusuf: YES, EAMES. NOT AT YOU, AT ARI. DON'T WORRY, IT'LL BE FINE WHEN I'M DONE.

Arthur: What's that smell?

Eames: Yusuf's brewing up something sexy, apparently.

Arthur: ...I am going to hope that the fumes aren't going to have any effects if inhaled.

Eames: Well, I'd assume that's what he's wearing the gas mask for.

Arthur: *sigh* We'll have to air the warehouse out, won't we.

Eames: But before that, perhaps a round or two in the bathroom, darling?

Arthur: I'm going to walk away and pretend you didn't say that, Mr Eames.

Eames: If you insist, Arthur.

Arthur: You do realise I can tell when you waggle your eyebrows at me.

#5

Eames: Everyone has a day in their life where they just stand up and say: you know, I think I'm going to have a karaoke day today!

To that end: you know, I think I'm going to have a karaoke day today.

Eames: (singing) Open your eyes and take in everything that you see
Look at all the colors, red, yellow, blue, and green

Ariadne: (singing) We can take an airplane and fly across the globe
Look down upon the colors, everyone come on, let's go

Yusuf: (singing) BECAUSE

All: (singing) Love, love, love, la la love
La la love makes the world go 'round!
Love, love, love, la la love
La la love makes the world go 'round!

Arthur: What the heck are you three singing about?

Eames: Open your ears and listen what the world has to say

Hear the birds and bells and you will have a brighter day

Arthur: What the-is that from the Powerpuff Girls?

Eames: Everyone has a special song deep inside their heart

Arthur: It is, isn’t it.

Eames: If you want, you could sing with us, it's the perfect place to start!

Arthur: Not in a million years, Eames.

Eames: (spoken) Come back and sing with us, Arthur!

#6

Eames: Saito's a nice enough boss, when all's said and done. Buys an airline to get the job done, sends us to Cairo when we need to do research on a mark's childhood...

I wonder, could we talk him into other things?

Ariadne: Such as?

Eames: Well, a night out at a bar with him paying the tab wouldn't go amiss.

Yusuf: KISS? ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT KISSING?

Ariadne: NO, YUSUF, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SAITO.

Yusuf: WHY ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT KISSING SAITO?

Eames: WELL, WHY NOT?

Yusuf: BECAUSE YOU'RE SCREWING ARTHUR AND ARI'S SCREWING ME?

Eames: You know, Yusuf didn't object this much when we were debating Angelina Jolie vs Michelle Fox.

Arthur: You could just not talk in his earshot. Or talk where he can hear you two clearly.

Eames: But there’s no fun in that, darling.

Arthur: Just remember, he's the one whose compounds you regularly insert into your bloodstream.

Eames: Why must you be such a buzzkill at the most inappropriate times?

Arthur: If we're talking about that time in Rio de Janeiro, I'll remind you that I'm not an exhibitionist.

#7

Eames: You know, it never occurred to me, but... how exactly does Arthur know a song from the Powerpuff Girls?

This bears... investigating.

Ariadne: Oh, come on, Eames. Arthur isn't that old... I think.

Eames: I'm older than he is, thank you very much. Not that much older. Stop looking at me like that.

Ariadne: Pfft. Anyway, Cobb has kids. Doesn't Arthur babysit from time to time?

Eames: Occasionally. Not that Cobb allows me in his house when he’s not there-

Ariadne: No segueing into the reason why Cobb won't leave you unsupervised in his house.

Eames: I never get to tell my better anecdotes.

Arthur: I told you, Eames, you're not talking about our sex life to people who know me.

Eames: Why would I talk to them about that for? Anyway, I was wondering... how did you know it was from a cartoon?

Arthur: I have a sister fourteen years younger than I am, Eames. You can meet her next time we're in New York, if you want.

Eames: Is that a promise, Arthur-Good God, you're blushing.

Arthur: It's warm in here.

Eames: Oh, darling, it's perfectly all right if you're embarrassed.

Arthur: *sigh* Get in here and kiss me or I'll retract that promise, Eames.

#8

Eames: Just act nonchalant and walk away…

Those projections will never notice.

Ariadne: (holding a gun) That's awfully optimistic. You aren't even holding a gun.

Eames: Well, if you saw someone on the street with a gun, you’d be predisposed to be distrustful, wouldn’t you?

Ariadne: …True.

Yusuf: (holding a gun) WILL YOU TWO HURRY UP AND RUN?!

Arthur: (holding a grenade) Stop dawdling, Mr Eames.

Eames: I'm trying not to attract their attention, darling.

Arthur: (throws grenade over his shoulder)Too late. Now run.

Eames: It'll have to be next time, then.

Arthur: EAMES, STOP MONOLOGUING AND RUN.

(grenade explodes)

#9

Eames: My half-sister is a successful chemist in Maine. She's fifteen years older than me, so she and Arthur have something to talk about. All things considered, she's the better child. Great career, married, has a daughter...

It pisses my father off that the one he can be proud of is (a) not his blood, (b) Icelandic, like our mother.

Ariadne: Weird. You seem so... so British to me.

Eames: Well, I'm Anglo-Saxon enough, aren't I, love?

Ariadne: Yeah, but...

Eames: But?

Ariadne: Well, I can't really imagine you talking in Icelandic to your mom or your grandparents.

Eames: They speak perfectly good English, love.

Yusuf: THAT’S BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SPEAK ICELANDIC YOURSELF, I BET.

Eames: …shut up, Yusuf.

I grew up in England. Why would I have learned Icelandic?

Arthur: For your mother?

Eames: Honestly, Arthur, I thought you'd have realised by now that not everyone has as good a relationship with their mother as you do.

Arthur: You're avoiding the fact that you're jealous of your sister.

Eames: Half-sister.

Arthur: All right. Half-sister. And you're avoiding it.

LATER…

Eames: I don't know how he talks me into these things without even meaning to. Or knowing that I’ll do them.

(on phone) Hello, Inky-look, you know I can't actually pronounce your name properly, so if you let me call you Inky I'll let you use my full name to yell at me.
Good.
No, no, I'm fine. Can't a man just want to talk to his sister?

#10

Eames: One thing I despise about Singapore is the heat. A bright, sunny day here is equivalent to two or three buckets of sweat. Four or five if you have some kind of condition.

Of course, the upside is that we must all bare some skin to avoid overheating.

LATER…

…Unfortunately, that’s rendered moot by the absolutely glacial air-conditioning Singaporeans seem to love. Must be their way of compensating for the lack of winter.

Ariadne: I still can’t find the temperature control. Want to borrow a scarf? I didn’t realize I’d be needing so many layers.

Eames: Thanks, Ariadne, I think I’ll manage. What about Yusuf?

Yusuf: LEAVE THE TEMPERATURE ALONE; IT’S JUST RIGHT FOR SYNTHESISING THIS COMPOUND.

Eames: Arthur, darling, remind me again why we couldn’t research the mark in nice, cool Auckland, where he actually is right now?

Arthur: Because we’ll be extracting from him here, where his mother is. Our client, remember?

Eames: Humph. Not just because you like the food?

Arthur: I’ll admit that’s a bonus.

Eames: We’ll see about that when you get heartburn.

#11

Ariadne: (in Eames’s body) Wow, that was a great run-through. A mobius-loop garden path… The mark will never know what hit him.

Where’s Yusuf? I need to jump him right now.

Wait. What’s my body doing over there?

Eames: (in Ariadne’s body) I think the more pertinent question, Ariadne, would be, is this still a dream?

Ariadne: We’d better swap totems.

Yusuf: HEY, IS EVERYTHING OKAY OVER THERE?

Eames: OF COURSE NOT, YUSUF. WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF?

MUCH LATER…

Ariadne: Ugh… 24 hours until we can go under again and fix this mess. Well, 19 hours, really.

Arthur: It’s still incredibly bizarre to hear your accent coming out of Eames’s mouth.

Ariadne: Why? I thought by now you’d be used to Eames forging people. Just pretend he’s forging me.

Arthur: I can’t when you keep looking at Yusuf’s ass. It destroys the illusion entirely.

Ariadne: *sigh* At least I finally know what it’s like to have a penis.

Eames: I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT, ARIADNE.

Ariadne: OH, SHUT UP. Just because you’re female half the time you go under…

#12

18 HOURS LATER…

Ariadne: (in Eames’s body) One more hour and the tainted Somnacin will be out of our systems. Being a guy is okay, but involuntary erections? So not worth it.

Besides, Eames’s hands are too big to spank Yusuf properly.

1 HOUR LATER…

Ariadne: You-you said what to my brother?

Eames: (in Ariadne’s body) He called and you weren’t around! It was hard enough figuring out that he was your brother and not your ex!

Yusuf: LOOK, CAN YOU TWO DUKE THIS OUT AFTER YOU’VE GONE UNDER AND SWAPPED BACK?

LATER…

Eames: (in his own body) I still don’t see what she was so mad about.

Arthur: Must you be so deliberately obtuse? It doesn’t endear you to any of us.

Eames: Oh, darling, her brother would have found out eventually that she was having regular premarital sex with her boyfriend.

Arthur: She’d’ve probably preferred to break it to him herself. Possibly without using the phrase ‘like cats in heat’.

Eames: If it was left to her, she’d never tell him!

Arthur: Exactly.

#13

Eames: It’s been 3 days since we got our bodies back and Ariadne still hasn’t spoken to me. Of course, she’s been busy exploring the mark’s childhood neighbourhood to recreate it properly, but the point is, she hasn’t spoken to me.

Maybe some chocolate will solve it.

Ariadne, I got-

Ariadne: YUSUF, TELL EAMES I’M STILL NOT TALKING TO HIM.

Yusuf: EAMES, SHE’S STILL NOT TALKING TO YOU.

Eames: YUSUF, TELL ARIADNE THAT I COME BEARING A BOX OF GODIVA’S FINEST.

Ariadne: Eames! All is forgiven.

Arthur: (eating a chocolate) You have good taste.

Eames: Oh, I know. After all, I chose you, darling.

Arthur: …that was unbearably cheesy.

Eames: …it was, wasn’t it.

Arthur: …

Eames: …

…well, at least all’s clear round here again.

#14

Eames: June’s a wonderful time of year. Sunshine, inasmuch as there’s any. Flowers in full bloom, bees buzzing, love in the air…

And it’s Arthur’s birth month.

What should I get Arthur for his birthday?

Ariadne: Well, what do you usually get him?

Eames: I always get him something different. Last time it was a necktie and before that it was a ball-gag.

Yusuf: WHY ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT BALL-GAGS?

Ariadne: JUST ARTHUR’S BIRTHDAY PRESENT, YUSUF.

Eames: Wait, never mind. I’ve got just the thing.

LATER…

Happy birthday, Arthur.

Arthur: Stop faking bashfulness, Eames; it doesn’t suit you.

Eames: Oh, very well. But go on, darling, open it.

Arthur: …what?

Eames: Don’t you like it?

Arthur: Eames, these are joke cufflinks. I’m not wearing these.

1 WEEK LATER…

Eames: Oh, look, Arthur’s wearing the cufflinks I got him.

#15

Eames: I have several homes in several countries. I try to visit each of them at least once or twice a year, but life gets hectic and aliases are barred.

Thank goodness for forgery.

Ariadne: If you're not using them, could I have one? Pretty pretty please?

Eames: Do you really need a flat in Shanghai, love? Or in Sydney?

Ariadne: Aww, c'mon. You let them get all dusty and wasted. If I stay there instead, why not?

Eames: If I don't let you have one, you're going to keep it up with the puppy dog eyes, aren't you.

Ariadne: Pretty much.

Arthur: Got hit with the puppy dog eyes by Ariadne, I hear.

Eames: Essentially.

She should probably have those declared a lethal weapon.

Arthur: Actually, it might be useful if the mark was susceptible. Think about it: "Please, where do you keep your safe?"

Eames: Why, Arthur, was that a joke?

Arthur: I do make jokes on occasion, Eames.

#16 (flipped horizontally)

Ariadne: I'm going down to the corner for a latte. You guys want anything?

Yusuf: A DOUBLE MOCHA ESPRESSO, THANKS.

Ariadne: GOT IT.
What about you, Eames?

Eames: A chai latte’ll do. And black coffee, two sugars for Arthur.

Ariadne: Sure. See ya later.

Eames: She's a dear, that girl is. Tiny, doe-eyed, a wardrobe almost entirely gathered from thrift stores...

You wouldn't imagine her holding a machine gun and firing away at not-so-innocent projections while Yusuf drives like a bat out of hell, or that she's nearly done her architecture degree. Brains, beauty, and a bloodthirsty hellion underneath it all.

(on phone) Oh, hello, Cobb. How’re the kids?
Glad to hear it. No, we’re doing fine so far. Straightforward extraction, this job.
No, Cobb, there’s no need for it. The mark’s barely twenty. His mother’s worried, that’s all.
Cobb, I realize you’re bored out of your skull with Care Bears and My Little Pony, but we don’t need your help on this job.
Goodbye, Cobb.

From the look on your face, I’d say Cobb called you too, did he?

Arthur: He’s going stir-crazy. Apparently being on the PTA isn’t enough adult interaction for him.

Eames: What on earth is he doing for a living now, anyway?

Arthur: He’s working from home for some charity or other, I think. Housing the homeless and all that.

1 DAY LATER...

Arthur: (holding phone) Now he's trying to steal Ariadne for his charity.

Eames: Better change our numbers.

#17

Eames: Forging isn’t so much imitating someone as it is their mindset. You can copy, say, Yusuf’s face and walk and accent to your heart’s content, but it won’t be really convincing until you get into what a smartarse he can be at times.

And believe me, he can be one hell of a smartarse when he puts his mind to it.

Ariadne: I really doubt that forging Yusuf includes being a smartass. He isn’t one all the time.

Eames: Not around you, but considering how much time we spent together in Mombasa, he definitely is-What? What's with that look?

Ariadne: Is that ‘spent’ as in-

Eames: It’s ‘spent’ as in ‘two men hang out in a friendly, non-romantic, and non-sexual way’. Good grief, woman.

Arthur: Should I be worried about you insisting that you and Yusuf ‘hang out in a friendly, non-romantic, and non-sexual way’?

Eames: No, darling. Emphatically no. Merely removing any innuendo from the conversation.

Arthur: Y’see, that’s what you get for inserting innuendoes into everything you say.

Eames: Is that a challenge, Arthur?

Arthur: No, it’s a plea for you to stop making everything sound vaguely dirty.

#18

Eames: Once this extraction’s over, I’m whisking Arthur away to Dubai for a week of debauchery. Sunning by the pool with a nice cold shot of whiskey, fleecing the casinos of their money… or maybe we’ll spend the entire time in our suite.

It ought to be fun.

Ariadne: Yusuf’s taking me to Mombasa to show me his place. What’s it like?

Eames: Pray you don’t run into his mother, love. She’s a fine woman, but a shrew about marrying her children off. He’d have to introduce you as his apprentice or his fiancée or something.

Yusuf: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT MY MOTHER, EAMES?

Eames: I’M SAYING THAT SHE’S NUTS ABOUT GETTING GRANDCHILDREN.

Yusuf: OH. HE’S RIGHT, ARIADNE. IT’S ALL RIGHT, SHE’LL BE STAYING WITH MY BROTHER, OUT OF TOWN.

Arthur: (holding folders) I wish you'd all stop thinking about next week and focus on right now.

Eames: Of course, darling, but waiting for the mark to arrive can be so tedious... you wouldn't deny us a chance to talk, would you?

Arthur: No, but you can all discuss it over dinner later.

Eames: No we can’t; we’ll be dining alone. Think about it: the two of us at a candlelit table, sharing a bottle of wine, and a violinist in the background. How about it?

Arthur: Oh, look, there he is now. Time to work.

Eames: Damn his timing. It had better not take too long to get what we need, or we'll lose the reservation.

#19

Eames: Maybe Mal Cobb was right. Maybe this is just a dream. Maybe we’re lying somewhere dreaming the days away and imagining this is real. Or maybe we aren’t real; maybe we’re just someone else’s projections.

Must be one hell of an imagination to keep me and Arthur going at it every night.

Ariadne: Do you always get this philosophical after five cups of chamomile tea?

Eames: It usually makes me drowsy, so this is a welcome change.

Ariadne: Heh. Well, if someone’s dreaming us, they probably have very diverse interests. I mean, we’re pretty far apart as body types and personalities go.

Yusuf: AND THANK ALLAH FOR THAT.

Arthur: (hand on forehead) I hope you aren't serious. Mal was terrifying enough.

Eames: Of course not! It's just the chamomile tea talking, darling. You look awful.

Arthur: (hand on hip) I wouldn't if you didn't spout such crap. Or keep me up all night. I can barely sit.

Eames: I apologise, but tell me, Arthur, didn't you enjoy it?

Arthur: …Yes.

Eames: Oh, you are just adorable when you blush.

Author notes: *bows to xenakis_ and sirona_gs for putting up with her* Originally, this was meant to be less crack and more 'team extracts from anterograde amnesiac'... except that just got stuck. Way, way stuck. I may write it again in future, but I make no promises. This is the second attempt, and it's way more fun, wouldn't you agree?

i_reversebang, inception

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