What Homophobia has done for me

Nov 19, 2013 22:07

When I was a little girl I was totally unaware that homophobia existed. When I went to school one of the first things I did was get a girlfriend. Her name was Louise and she was beautiful. She had long blonde hair and her parents were German and I thought she was wonderful and exotic. I used to kiss her goodbye at the school gate every day. I have my first diary from this time, a small red notebook, and it is full of how much I love her and then how much I hate her alternating almost every other line. I remember telling my mother one day that when I grew up I would marry Louise and she told me I couldn't that I'd have to marry a boy. That's the first time I remember hearing homophobic words and being told that the way I was was "wrong".

I grew up in a very homophobic family and culture. As a teenager I had so many crushes on the girls in my school but always had to pretend I wasn't and dated boys so no one would suspect. I remember every time I heard girls laughing around me I was worried that they were laughing at me and making fun of me for being a lesbian. When I read books about young teenage girls who fall in love and have physical relationships I am so happy that they can be themselves from such an early age. But I also feel such sadness that I missed out on that cause I was living in a time and a place where that wasn't allowed. And I fear queer-guilt that perhaps if I was truly gay (and not bi) I would have found a way anyway. But just now reading Philip K Dick and he was talking about how he never got anywhere with girls when he was 19 and how awkward he was. And I knew exactly what he meant. It was a release to be able to see that, not just a part of my own failing, but something that happens to everyone, men and women alike, gay and straight.

I try to live without regrets but I do regret growing up in such a homophobic culture. I regret how long it took me to be able to accept who I was. All the guilt and self hatred that society and religion and family had taught me that I had to get past before I could be happy and accept who I was. Bill once told me that he thought if I'd grown up in a more accepting society I would have been a lesbian but I do not think that is the case as I've never not been able to fall in love with someone because they were the wrong gender or had the wrong bits. But I do wonder what it would have been like if I'd been able to be me from the very beginning and never had to shut away that part of myself or been taught to fear it. I don't think it would change who I am now but I think it would have been much better then. Which is now every time I can I stand up against homophobia and every time I see another place accepting gay marriage, or moving forward with gay rights it makes me happy. I hope things will be easier for the children growing up now and in the future.
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