so, yesterday
was the worst day i've had in a long time.
i thought it would maybe be easier since steff died two years ago, but i cried for about 4 hours straight and didn't get out of bed. i felt sick to my stomach and was crying so hard i almost threw up. i really hated it. sometimes, i still can't believe that my best friend has been gone for so long, most of the time i can't even believe that she's gone. when i think too much about it i just cry. i've been feeling really empty lately, and i think that's why. i've been thinking too much.
4 days till christmas, and i am sad. i hate winter. i hate holidays. i hate having to pretend that i'm not super depressed for my family and (this year) dan's family. i can generally pull it off, but this year it seems worse than usual.
thank goodness b. ruden cheered me up last night by telling me he was dancing around in his undies to miriah carrey while drunk. oh, brian.
i hope i don't get post partum depression. it makes me scared just thinking about it.
i'm pretty sure i felt the baby move the other day, and it made me really happy.
i've decided that i'm going to go to capri for school after the baby is born and get a job and then work for a year or two and go back to school. it makes me feel good that i have actually decided something.
i hate working lately, and it's really hard to get out of bed in the morning. i wish i could just sleep all day. i blacked out and almost fainted at work today because i got so hot. i was laying on the bathroom floor practically in tears. i haven't gotten that close to fainting in a long time and it always scares me.
i just want to sleep and hide away from most people.
i want katie and julie and michelle to be home.
i want to see claire.
i don't want the HUGE storm that is supposed to come tomorrow to come.
i want to go bowling tonight.
i thought it would maybe be easier since steff died two years ago, but i cried for about 4 hours straight and didn't get out of bed. i felt sick to my stomach and was crying so hard i almost threw up. i really hated it. sometimes, i still can't believe that my best friend has been gone for so long, most of the time i can't even believe that she's gone. when i think too much about it i just cry. i've been feeling really empty lately, and i think that's why. i've been thinking too much.
4 days till christmas, and i am sad. i hate winter. i hate holidays. i hate having to pretend that i'm not super depressed for my family and (this year) dan's family. i can generally pull it off, but this year it seems worse than usual.
thank goodness b. ruden cheered me up last night by telling me he was dancing around in his undies to miriah carrey while drunk. oh, brian.
i hope i don't get post partum depression. it makes me scared just thinking about it.
i'm pretty sure i felt the baby move the other day, and it made me really happy.
i've decided that i'm going to go to capri for school after the baby is born and get a job and then work for a year or two and go back to school. it makes me feel good that i have actually decided something.
i hate working lately, and it's really hard to get out of bed in the morning. i wish i could just sleep all day. i blacked out and almost fainted at work today because i got so hot. i was laying on the bathroom floor practically in tears. i haven't gotten that close to fainting in a long time and it always scares me.
i just want to sleep and hide away from most people.
i want katie and julie and michelle to be home.
i want to see claire.
i don't want the HUGE storm that is supposed to come tomorrow to come.
i want to go bowling tonight.