the rantings of a seahorse
looking back, i haven't updated since july. is it because nothing has been going on with my life? not particularly, more that not too much positive has been happening, but i feel as though whenever i post an entry about things that arn't peachy what i get is pity and sorrow. yet that's not what i'm looking for. yeah, some things are shitty. but that doesn't mean that i can't still remain positive, happy, optimistic. i hate to swell on the negative. all it does is bring everyone down. better to not mention it than to mention something bad? i dunno, it goes back to that old saying. "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". and i wonder, should i stick to that? at times i don't know. because while on one hand i don't want to evoke sad feelings or pity from others, it helps to reflect sometimes by talking things over with someone. i dunno, it doesn't really help that at this point in my life i don't have someone i can trust completely. someone to open up fully to. but again, i'm not letting myself feel sorry for myself or to dwell in it. hakuna matata. i notice i've been using that phrase a lot more lately. hakuna matata. what a wonderful phrase. to me i've taken it as more of a life goal than anything. yes there are problems with the world. and all we can do is our best to fix them. and there are even some things that we can't fix. from there we can either worry about those problems, or we can just accept them, acknowledge them, and let them be. we don't have to let the horrible things that are wrong overcome our lives. because in reality, nothing is perfect. there is always things that are good and things that are bad. and we can live in one of three worlds. one that lives with the bad, feeling sorrow and pity because things aren't the way we want them to be. trying vainly to fix those that are unfixable, thrashing out at the world that we feel has wronged us. another one of these worlds is the one that completely disregards the bad. to live in the happy, feeling content, yet completely oblivious to the goings on of things around us that are wrong with the world. yet this world too has it's faults. if you completely disregard the things that are wrong with the world, than none of them can be fixed or improved. it's this third place, the world that accepts both the good and the bad that we must strive to live in. for we must take the bad with the good, appreciate what we have, and strive to accept the world that we live in. sure, there are things that are not fair in our eyes. but who gets to decide what fair is? fair to you, fair to me, fair to any random bystander on the street... none of these are synonymous. yet we all seek a world that we feel gives us what we deserve. but what is it that we deserve really? is there any birthright entitled to us? is there any supreme decider who gets to decide who is born into which family, is entitled to what assets, to what circumstances? no. you get what you get. and you make due. you can either whine about it, or make the best of it. and sometimes i forget that. it's ironic. at the times when i'm feeling my worst, all i need is a swift, insensitive kick in the ass to get my act back together. screw this sensitivity bullshit. all that accomplishes is to prolong the sorrow and pity. spread it around. breed it. no, what i need personally is a slap in the face to get me to wake the fuck up and get myself out of whatever rut i've dug myself into. but no, that's not what comes. maybe i'm just weird, but i think society as a whole just needs one collective kick in the ass.
heh, i really don't know what spurred that rant. latent thoughts i needed to express i guess. meh, it's not too inaccurate, so i guess i'll leave it there. it's odd thinking though. why is it that i'm posting this entry? do i have a purpose? because i feel like it? no, more to express my thoughts, to hopefully get them out of my head where they've been festering. i guess that's it really. am i posting this for anyone to read in particular? no. do i care if anyone reads it? not really. i guess now that i think about it, the reason i'm posting is for my own thoughts, a sort of way to express an inner monologue, but then, why am i posting? will i end up pressing the post button? i don't know yet. in the past few months i've probably written close to twenty entries that i never ended up posting. why? i don't know. gut feeling? i've been relying on my gut more and more lately. is that a good thing? i don't know yet. it has it's upsides and downsides i guess. on one hand i can be more proud of myself, more happy with the things that i do. on the other, i make more mistakes. it's a tradeoff i can live with i guess, there is nothing that is a pure upside or pure downside.
and once again, my thoughts cannot stay on a single track. it approaches 6 in the morning. i should be sleeping. but my mind is wandering. and here i am. typing my thoughts. listening to the album Discovery by Daft Punk. great album. kinda makes me want to throw a glowstick rave. woo glowsticks. anyways, i think my brain has slowed down to the point i can at least stop thinking enough to get to sleep. hopefully anyways.
heh, i really don't know what spurred that rant. latent thoughts i needed to express i guess. meh, it's not too inaccurate, so i guess i'll leave it there. it's odd thinking though. why is it that i'm posting this entry? do i have a purpose? because i feel like it? no, more to express my thoughts, to hopefully get them out of my head where they've been festering. i guess that's it really. am i posting this for anyone to read in particular? no. do i care if anyone reads it? not really. i guess now that i think about it, the reason i'm posting is for my own thoughts, a sort of way to express an inner monologue, but then, why am i posting? will i end up pressing the post button? i don't know yet. in the past few months i've probably written close to twenty entries that i never ended up posting. why? i don't know. gut feeling? i've been relying on my gut more and more lately. is that a good thing? i don't know yet. it has it's upsides and downsides i guess. on one hand i can be more proud of myself, more happy with the things that i do. on the other, i make more mistakes. it's a tradeoff i can live with i guess, there is nothing that is a pure upside or pure downside.
and once again, my thoughts cannot stay on a single track. it approaches 6 in the morning. i should be sleeping. but my mind is wandering. and here i am. typing my thoughts. listening to the album Discovery by Daft Punk. great album. kinda makes me want to throw a glowstick rave. woo glowsticks. anyways, i think my brain has slowed down to the point i can at least stop thinking enough to get to sleep. hopefully anyways.