The Advent of Evilution
While Crappy Brians are doing fine and fully covering the absurdist front for me, I thought I'd finally make good on my long ago brilliant idea to create a scientific rationalist metal band. I mean, what better subject matters for heavy metal than random chance mutation, primordial ooze, and entropy? No afterlife?! Come on! And so I came up with EVILUTION (you know, like how British people say "evolution"), as something of a response to Christian rock/metal bands the world over (I've got my eye on you POD and Creed!).
Here's Evilution's first song, an instrumental demo: Primordial Ooze.
Not sure how much I like it yet, but it's a start. As we all know, it can and will evolve.
I'm still working on the lyrics for a song called "Crocoduck."
Crocoduck
[SPOKEN INTRO]
According to legend, the non-existence of the great and terrible crocoduck will drag the heathen beast of scientific discovery into the deepest gates of Hell. As explained by Creationism, for the theory of evolution to work it is necessary that every species on earth, no matter how far removed from one another, must have some transitional and combinational stage with every other species. In other words, crocodiles became ducks, and also dogs, and also mosquitoes; as did sharks; as did lobsters; as did polar bears. So the fact that we haven't found fossils of crocoducks and sharksquitoes and dogsters proves that all life was created by a divine being (yes, THAT divine being) exactly as it exists today.
To Kirk Cameron, this realization is fundamentally fatal to evolution. And yet, even as willfully ignorant of the theory of evolution as the argument is, and even though in no way does the non-existence of transitional stages of species that did not directly descend from one another refute any aspect of the scientific explanation, the best part is...
Crocoducks actually DO exist!
[SONG]
The platypus is a crocoduck! (It's a duck-billed mammal that lays eggs!) Crocoduck!
Whales are crocoducks! (Dude, they're mammals in the ocean, with vestigial arms hidden under their blubber) Crocoduck!
Anchiornis and all the Troodontidae were seriously the real-life crocoducks! No, seriously! Crocoduck!
And what's any lizard but a snake-cat?! Crocoduck!
And what a red panda but a bear-fox?! Crocoduck!
And what's a tapir but a zebrant-eater?! Crocoduck!
And ant-eaters are totally elepha-bears! Crocoduck!
And, wait, so were wooly mammoths! Crocoduck!
Bats? Oh, right. You mean bird-mice. Crocoduck!
Narwhal? I call it a mana-noceros! Crocoduck!
Sabertooth tigers. Ummm, walru-cats? Crocoduck!
Nutria are clearly beaverats! Crocoduck!
Sea horses? Yeah, you heard me, SEA. HORSES. Crocoduck!
And you and I are crocoducks!
You and I are crocoducks!
Everything on earth is a crocoduck.
We are all transitioning.
And we're all transitional!
And we're all transitional!
We are all crocoducks!
We are all crocoducks!
Any other crocoducks you can think of? (Yes.)
Here's Evilution's first song, an instrumental demo: Primordial Ooze.
Not sure how much I like it yet, but it's a start. As we all know, it can and will evolve.
I'm still working on the lyrics for a song called "Crocoduck."
Crocoduck
[SPOKEN INTRO]
According to legend, the non-existence of the great and terrible crocoduck will drag the heathen beast of scientific discovery into the deepest gates of Hell. As explained by Creationism, for the theory of evolution to work it is necessary that every species on earth, no matter how far removed from one another, must have some transitional and combinational stage with every other species. In other words, crocodiles became ducks, and also dogs, and also mosquitoes; as did sharks; as did lobsters; as did polar bears. So the fact that we haven't found fossils of crocoducks and sharksquitoes and dogsters proves that all life was created by a divine being (yes, THAT divine being) exactly as it exists today.
To Kirk Cameron, this realization is fundamentally fatal to evolution. And yet, even as willfully ignorant of the theory of evolution as the argument is, and even though in no way does the non-existence of transitional stages of species that did not directly descend from one another refute any aspect of the scientific explanation, the best part is...
Crocoducks actually DO exist!
[SONG]
The platypus is a crocoduck! (It's a duck-billed mammal that lays eggs!) Crocoduck!
Whales are crocoducks! (Dude, they're mammals in the ocean, with vestigial arms hidden under their blubber) Crocoduck!
Anchiornis and all the Troodontidae were seriously the real-life crocoducks! No, seriously! Crocoduck!
And what's any lizard but a snake-cat?! Crocoduck!
And what a red panda but a bear-fox?! Crocoduck!
And what's a tapir but a zebrant-eater?! Crocoduck!
And ant-eaters are totally elepha-bears! Crocoduck!
And, wait, so were wooly mammoths! Crocoduck!
Bats? Oh, right. You mean bird-mice. Crocoduck!
Narwhal? I call it a mana-noceros! Crocoduck!
Sabertooth tigers. Ummm, walru-cats? Crocoduck!
Nutria are clearly beaverats! Crocoduck!
Sea horses? Yeah, you heard me, SEA. HORSES. Crocoduck!
And you and I are crocoducks!
You and I are crocoducks!
Everything on earth is a crocoduck.
We are all transitioning.
And we're all transitional!
And we're all transitional!
We are all crocoducks!
We are all crocoducks!
Any other crocoducks you can think of? (Yes.)