Journal Entry #1
In this activity, you will take an inventory of your personal strengths & weakness as revealed by your self-assessment questionnaire.
1. In your journal, write the 8 areas of the self-assessment & record your scores for each, as the following:
64 Accepting Personal Responsibility
57 Discovering Self-Motivation
41 Mastering Self- Management
42 Employing Interdependence
38 Gaining Self-Awareness
47 Adopting Life Long Learning
32 Developing Emotional Intelligence
61 Believing in Myself
2. Write About the areas on the self-assessment in which you scored highest.
My highest scores were in Accepting Personal Responsibility and Believing in Myself. They kind of go hand in hand in my opinion because if you accept that you are in charge of yourself and if you believe in yourself you can accomplish so much more.
For example, it's no one's fault by my own that I dropped out of college the first time around. Emotional I was in a very bad place and I blamed everyone else for any problems that arose. My father had just passed and I was very angry, I felt since he was no longer around why should I do something that no one else seemingly cared about. I felt I couldn't do it so I just stopped trying. My dad had always said it didn't matter what I went to school for I could get a Degree in Underwater Basket Weaving and that'd be fine but I had to get something.
I was a pretty easy going teenager and after he passed was when I kind of ... rebelled. I did a good amount of stupid shit that is no one else's fault by my own. Through all my decisions I made a few that were pretty good, I did waste a lot of the inheritance I received after his accident but I did purchase a car (a Scion TC 2006 I refer to as Bruce) as well as put the majority of it down on a house (located in ABQ; 3 bedroom, 2 bath. Should be paid off in the next 18 years). I did just kind of fuck around with about a fourth of it on stupid shit like a guitar for my boyfriend (he never learned how to play), a desktop computer that ended up getting "stolen" while at a coworkers house. Eating out a lot, and I mean expansive places, not just drive thru's. I moved from Cali to Oregon and then to New Mexico; I left a really really good job to move in with my long distance boyfriend who had already cheated on me twice that I knew of at the time. I became pregnant in Oregon and moved to New Mexico because it was were my mother was living. I was in Oregon for less than 6 months; I moved out of Cali under a year after my dad passed.
Now that it's been 10 years since he passed I feel differently. When I moved to New Mexico it was really hard to reconnect with my mother (my parent's separated about 9 months before my dad passed). It took a few years to get to the point where we are now, we both had to change and our common ground. It turns out my family in Cali did care if I went to school or not. They were afraid if they pushed to much that I'd just cut them out of my life. I don't need to have other's tell me to go to school because I want to. I don't want to be stuck in the job that I have. I don't want to work retail, I honestly dislike most people and I'm smart enough I can get a job that I enjoy for a change.
I kind of went off topic with that, sorry I get a little sidetracked sometimes.
As for Believing in Myself that's more of a recent development. I had some really bad self esteem for a while and it's still something I'm working on to be honest. I was with Alex (my son's father) for quite awhile. I moved to live with him in 2006, and we didn't separate until 2012 a while after he was discharged from active service. We only lived together for about half that time, mainly because I refused to relocate to North Carolina where he was stationed because I knew no one out there and I owned a house in New Mexico. It's very hard to talk about in a not rambling rant. He would call me after a bad day on base to yell at me, he would constantly blame me for any set backs my...our son had school, he would take time off for the holidays to go visit his family, not his wife and son. He cheated on me over ten times while we were together and I don't know if that has ever been an issue that happened to you but it felt like it was constantly my fault. If I was just prettier he wouldn't do that, if I had dinner ready early than maybe he would stick around, I shouldn't try to get him to do any of my interests I should only focus on his. I should of been there for him but not smother him. If I was a better wife, a better girlfriend then he would of had no reason to go to another women.
I honestly could of been like that for a much longer time but... The story goes like this, Zachary (my son) needed to get some shots before school started. I call to make an appointment only to find out that our insurance had been canceled. It turned out that Alex was in the middle of renting out an apartment and wasn't going to tell me until he had already left. This was shortly after he returned from his tour and we were living together. I would of taken anything Alex did to me, I stayed throughout the cheating, and the spending money we didn't have, I stayed even after he punched the wall next to my head because he was so mad at me because I deserved everything that happened to me. But my son had done nothing. He wasn't even in Elementary School yet, this was for Zach to go into Kindergarden; I would be fine without insurance, but my son needed it. Alex had canceled the insurance a good few months earlier because he was the primary and never thought to tell me. My son deserved better and there was nothing that would convince me otherwise.
My self esteem is still not the best, between the anxiety and depression it's hard to believe in yourself. I do a lot of "I AM" statements. "I am a smart and intelligent person and I can do this." Is a daily thing I repeat from the walk from my car to whatever class I'm going to.
3. Write about the areas on the self-assessment in which you scored lowest.
My lowest scores were Developing Emotional Intelligence and Gaining Self-Awareness. I can say I'm not surprised at the Emotional Intelligence once because I know I'm a very emotional person. I try not to have it overly affect my life but I feel like I have a lot of emotions that like to bubble up on occasion. It probably has to do with trying to bottle everything up, until it just explodes out. I've tried working on this in the past but old habits are hard to break but I've discovered a lot of comping mechanisms that help when there are just too many feelings around. I'm quite proud of the fact it's been over three years since I tried to commit suicide. That's a record for me since I turned 16. I've tried medication in the past for making my emotions easier to handle with my depression and anxiety but honestly I'd rather have too many feelings then not care about anything, including my son, while I'm on them. (Hence the coping mechanisms) And I'm sure this book will have new ideas I can try out along with my current ways but I don't have too high of a hope since I've been to three councilors to get to where I'm at now. And I can't even place a number on the amount of self help books I've read.
My other lowest score was Gaining Self-Awareness, which was a tad surprising. After re reading the statements that go with it, it's probably low because I'm unsure how to identity habits that derail my success and since I'm unsure what they are than how am I suppose to know how to change them? I can get distracted somewhat easily, and I can have my emotions get the better of me, and I can be horrible at procrastinating just about anything. Which is bad because I dislike putting anything into writing without researching it first. That probably sounded odd but I like to write fiction in my down time. Medieval fantasy and sometimes futuristic science fiction but I'll get distracted with what type of weapons did they have then or typical clothing for the different caste systems and then the next thing I know I'm researching the Black Plague for reasons beyond that it's cool and who wouldn't want to know more about it. Most the time what I end up researching, while interesting, doesn't make it pass my final edit so not only am I wasting time for researching it but I don't even end up using it.
I'm pretty sure I did all five of the suggestions besides staying on task but I've anything it should be an interesting read. My mom worries about other people reading personal thoughts and how she couldn't do it because what if they told other people and what if you became famous and then this teacher knew all this personal information about you!
I pointed out that I already have a blog where I rant about my personal information and if I ever become famous then maybe it can help others know I went through the same time they did. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
1. In your journal, write the 8 areas of the self-assessment & record your scores for each, as the following:
64 Accepting Personal Responsibility
57 Discovering Self-Motivation
41 Mastering Self- Management
42 Employing Interdependence
38 Gaining Self-Awareness
47 Adopting Life Long Learning
32 Developing Emotional Intelligence
61 Believing in Myself
2. Write About the areas on the self-assessment in which you scored highest.
My highest scores were in Accepting Personal Responsibility and Believing in Myself. They kind of go hand in hand in my opinion because if you accept that you are in charge of yourself and if you believe in yourself you can accomplish so much more.
For example, it's no one's fault by my own that I dropped out of college the first time around. Emotional I was in a very bad place and I blamed everyone else for any problems that arose. My father had just passed and I was very angry, I felt since he was no longer around why should I do something that no one else seemingly cared about. I felt I couldn't do it so I just stopped trying. My dad had always said it didn't matter what I went to school for I could get a Degree in Underwater Basket Weaving and that'd be fine but I had to get something.
I was a pretty easy going teenager and after he passed was when I kind of ... rebelled. I did a good amount of stupid shit that is no one else's fault by my own. Through all my decisions I made a few that were pretty good, I did waste a lot of the inheritance I received after his accident but I did purchase a car (a Scion TC 2006 I refer to as Bruce) as well as put the majority of it down on a house (located in ABQ; 3 bedroom, 2 bath. Should be paid off in the next 18 years). I did just kind of fuck around with about a fourth of it on stupid shit like a guitar for my boyfriend (he never learned how to play), a desktop computer that ended up getting "stolen" while at a coworkers house. Eating out a lot, and I mean expansive places, not just drive thru's. I moved from Cali to Oregon and then to New Mexico; I left a really really good job to move in with my long distance boyfriend who had already cheated on me twice that I knew of at the time. I became pregnant in Oregon and moved to New Mexico because it was were my mother was living. I was in Oregon for less than 6 months; I moved out of Cali under a year after my dad passed.
Now that it's been 10 years since he passed I feel differently. When I moved to New Mexico it was really hard to reconnect with my mother (my parent's separated about 9 months before my dad passed). It took a few years to get to the point where we are now, we both had to change and our common ground. It turns out my family in Cali did care if I went to school or not. They were afraid if they pushed to much that I'd just cut them out of my life. I don't need to have other's tell me to go to school because I want to. I don't want to be stuck in the job that I have. I don't want to work retail, I honestly dislike most people and I'm smart enough I can get a job that I enjoy for a change.
I kind of went off topic with that, sorry I get a little sidetracked sometimes.
As for Believing in Myself that's more of a recent development. I had some really bad self esteem for a while and it's still something I'm working on to be honest. I was with Alex (my son's father) for quite awhile. I moved to live with him in 2006, and we didn't separate until 2012 a while after he was discharged from active service. We only lived together for about half that time, mainly because I refused to relocate to North Carolina where he was stationed because I knew no one out there and I owned a house in New Mexico. It's very hard to talk about in a not rambling rant. He would call me after a bad day on base to yell at me, he would constantly blame me for any set backs my...our son had school, he would take time off for the holidays to go visit his family, not his wife and son. He cheated on me over ten times while we were together and I don't know if that has ever been an issue that happened to you but it felt like it was constantly my fault. If I was just prettier he wouldn't do that, if I had dinner ready early than maybe he would stick around, I shouldn't try to get him to do any of my interests I should only focus on his. I should of been there for him but not smother him. If I was a better wife, a better girlfriend then he would of had no reason to go to another women.
I honestly could of been like that for a much longer time but... The story goes like this, Zachary (my son) needed to get some shots before school started. I call to make an appointment only to find out that our insurance had been canceled. It turned out that Alex was in the middle of renting out an apartment and wasn't going to tell me until he had already left. This was shortly after he returned from his tour and we were living together. I would of taken anything Alex did to me, I stayed throughout the cheating, and the spending money we didn't have, I stayed even after he punched the wall next to my head because he was so mad at me because I deserved everything that happened to me. But my son had done nothing. He wasn't even in Elementary School yet, this was for Zach to go into Kindergarden; I would be fine without insurance, but my son needed it. Alex had canceled the insurance a good few months earlier because he was the primary and never thought to tell me. My son deserved better and there was nothing that would convince me otherwise.
My self esteem is still not the best, between the anxiety and depression it's hard to believe in yourself. I do a lot of "I AM" statements. "I am a smart and intelligent person and I can do this." Is a daily thing I repeat from the walk from my car to whatever class I'm going to.
3. Write about the areas on the self-assessment in which you scored lowest.
My lowest scores were Developing Emotional Intelligence and Gaining Self-Awareness. I can say I'm not surprised at the Emotional Intelligence once because I know I'm a very emotional person. I try not to have it overly affect my life but I feel like I have a lot of emotions that like to bubble up on occasion. It probably has to do with trying to bottle everything up, until it just explodes out. I've tried working on this in the past but old habits are hard to break but I've discovered a lot of comping mechanisms that help when there are just too many feelings around. I'm quite proud of the fact it's been over three years since I tried to commit suicide. That's a record for me since I turned 16. I've tried medication in the past for making my emotions easier to handle with my depression and anxiety but honestly I'd rather have too many feelings then not care about anything, including my son, while I'm on them. (Hence the coping mechanisms) And I'm sure this book will have new ideas I can try out along with my current ways but I don't have too high of a hope since I've been to three councilors to get to where I'm at now. And I can't even place a number on the amount of self help books I've read.
My other lowest score was Gaining Self-Awareness, which was a tad surprising. After re reading the statements that go with it, it's probably low because I'm unsure how to identity habits that derail my success and since I'm unsure what they are than how am I suppose to know how to change them? I can get distracted somewhat easily, and I can have my emotions get the better of me, and I can be horrible at procrastinating just about anything. Which is bad because I dislike putting anything into writing without researching it first. That probably sounded odd but I like to write fiction in my down time. Medieval fantasy and sometimes futuristic science fiction but I'll get distracted with what type of weapons did they have then or typical clothing for the different caste systems and then the next thing I know I'm researching the Black Plague for reasons beyond that it's cool and who wouldn't want to know more about it. Most the time what I end up researching, while interesting, doesn't make it pass my final edit so not only am I wasting time for researching it but I don't even end up using it.
I'm pretty sure I did all five of the suggestions besides staying on task but I've anything it should be an interesting read. My mom worries about other people reading personal thoughts and how she couldn't do it because what if they told other people and what if you became famous and then this teacher knew all this personal information about you!
I pointed out that I already have a blog where I rant about my personal information and if I ever become famous then maybe it can help others know I went through the same time they did. It's nothing to be ashamed of.