Sunday( for myself)
I staggered home at 7am, got into bed at 8am and probably fell asleep at around 9am. Sometime in between, I was on the phone with Jon in an unsatisfactory conversation that we had to end before it "got ugly"( his words). I would have slept on but I was woken at 1pm by Eddy who told me that the Chijmes gig was on, and asked if I could go down for a sound check and rehearsal at 3pm. So I got up, got dressed and staggered down to town, did the rehearsal, then "hung around" until the show at 8pm. It was a thrill to sing in front of a ten-piece band consisting of trumpet, saxophones, trombone and guitar besides the rhythm section. But I wasn't familiar with the arrangements and one of the songs laid a little low for me so I don't think I did that well. The audience and musicians were kind and complimentary though. There is nothing like the visceral joy of singing.
After the gig, I thought about going home to rest, but I went instead to High Street to rest and prepare for Powerhouse. Barney cooked pasta with artichoke for dinner, and I had a good chat with Yvette. I realise that I can't verbalise or articulate my thoughts and feelings very well when I'm alone, but in conversation, they pour out in more or less coherent form. We talked about many things, including the campaign to repeal 377A. But here's the most interesting thing I discovered:
Love is conditional. ALL love. Love between a mother and a child. The love of God. Love between friends. All these have conditions in-built. Nobody loves without expecting anything in return, no matter what they say. They could expect obedience, conformance, even perfection. How can you say that God's love is unconditional if you go to hell if you don't do what he says? How can you say a mother's love is unconditional when she brings you up to be the person she wants you to be, and deviation from that ideal brings tears and recrimination? The more you love someone, the more you expect from him or her. But if you really do love someone, then you know only to expect what you know he or she can deliver. In order to do that, you have to KNOW that person, and ultimately accept that person for who he or she is. How rare that is!
It ties in with the conversation I had with John and Derrick about how cautious I am in my relationships, whether with boyfriends, old friends, family members, everyone. I will give as much as I can give, while keeping a little something for myself. I will expect them to love me as much as they say they do, but I will be able to deal with it if they fall a little short somehow. It doesn't mean our love is any less real, it just means our love is realistic. Everything must change and we must not be too bitter when it does. Bad things will happen, and good things will follow. That is the way of life. What is there to do but to move on?
Those are some of the things we talked about, but we talked about more, and more in depth. I will be thinking about them in days to come, and more things will come for me to think about. When they played a certain song at the club, I danced and sang along with tears in my eyes, thinking how disappointing life and love can be, but there I was, fiercely singing and dancing! I am waiting for life to end, but while it continues, I intend to sing and dance, with a smile on my lips and tears in my eyes.
After the gig, I thought about going home to rest, but I went instead to High Street to rest and prepare for Powerhouse. Barney cooked pasta with artichoke for dinner, and I had a good chat with Yvette. I realise that I can't verbalise or articulate my thoughts and feelings very well when I'm alone, but in conversation, they pour out in more or less coherent form. We talked about many things, including the campaign to repeal 377A. But here's the most interesting thing I discovered:
Love is conditional. ALL love. Love between a mother and a child. The love of God. Love between friends. All these have conditions in-built. Nobody loves without expecting anything in return, no matter what they say. They could expect obedience, conformance, even perfection. How can you say that God's love is unconditional if you go to hell if you don't do what he says? How can you say a mother's love is unconditional when she brings you up to be the person she wants you to be, and deviation from that ideal brings tears and recrimination? The more you love someone, the more you expect from him or her. But if you really do love someone, then you know only to expect what you know he or she can deliver. In order to do that, you have to KNOW that person, and ultimately accept that person for who he or she is. How rare that is!
It ties in with the conversation I had with John and Derrick about how cautious I am in my relationships, whether with boyfriends, old friends, family members, everyone. I will give as much as I can give, while keeping a little something for myself. I will expect them to love me as much as they say they do, but I will be able to deal with it if they fall a little short somehow. It doesn't mean our love is any less real, it just means our love is realistic. Everything must change and we must not be too bitter when it does. Bad things will happen, and good things will follow. That is the way of life. What is there to do but to move on?
Those are some of the things we talked about, but we talked about more, and more in depth. I will be thinking about them in days to come, and more things will come for me to think about. When they played a certain song at the club, I danced and sang along with tears in my eyes, thinking how disappointing life and love can be, but there I was, fiercely singing and dancing! I am waiting for life to end, but while it continues, I intend to sing and dance, with a smile on my lips and tears in my eyes.