Things done and learned in North Dakota
After a few days of recovery, i feel ready to tackle the post-trip summary. Namely, i can feel my fingers again and OMGoodness how i have missed warmth.
My trip began as most trips would, with a sense of adventure, waiting for me just beyond the next horizon. I yearn for such joyous times. When nothing in my everyday life is acceptable and everything is dependent on what i will do, what i will experience next.
Enter Roomie. Oh, she looks non-threatening. that's her ploy. She'll suck you in, a spider in her web, casting lies and half-truths. "You'll have fun. You'll try new things." Whatever it takes to lure you in.
And i succumbed. I flew to her den of lies, cold lies, snow-drowned lies, horrible sun-less lies, lies without end buried under cold and snow and death. I went to North Dakota.
Yes, North Dakota. I went the the "Magic City", "Little Chicago", also known as Minot. A small and unassuming town of rolling hills, trains, and huge houses with wall-to-wall windows high atop the hills.
Roomie's home was par for the course; she had a modest house with skylights, a greenhouse, a milkhouse, a small stream, a lake, a garden, and two massive horse-sized dogs. Said dogs, while ginormous, firmly believe that they are lap dogs. "Dog pile" is a sad and terrible way to leave this mortal coil, yet these two seem set on killing me in just such a lowly manner.
My first day was spent sleeping in and reveling in the warmth that only seven quilts piled thick atop a person can provide. I learned that one of the main reasons Roomie's family was so earnest adopted me was due to my diminutive stature. I suppose they, in their infinite tall-ness, must look down upon me and conclude that such a small and fragile thing could never survive without assistance. How do i know that they're so much taller than me? Oh, my first waking day informed me.
The mirrors, all the mirrors, in the guest bathroom were all too tall for me to see myself. I could only gauge my general appearance based on what could be reflected from my chin and upward. Not a single bathroom mirror was low enough to function beyond judging that my hair seemed brushed.
Oh, how this family must pity me and my sad stature...
As i emerged from the downstairs lair that had been generously given to me, i came to sight a vision of evil beyond imagining: a middle-aged man in a pair of denims and in need of a haircut. This is what it means to gaze into the heart of evil!
This... man, who i call "RoomieDad", has passed on his treacherous ways to his daughter. He is the source of Roomie's malicious heart.
RoomieDad toured me about Minot, ND. He showed me snow. This glistening white powder that carelessly sits atop the ground. So unassuming. LIES! I went to touch this marvel from the sky, and in so doing, i turned my back from this evil man. In the blink of an eye, i was covered in the cold death from above. Said coverage came from the man standing before me, shovel in hand, wet from use, and his bright and happy smile.
North Dakota... cold and evil.
Later, after facing the elements and eating strange German foods that defy both spelling and speech, i returned to the House of Lies, needed warmth and uncaring the source. I see now that this was all part of their plans for me. They welcomed me, they fed me, they pushed me beyond my endurance, and upon sensing my weakened state, Roomie pounced.
She, in her magnanimous generosity, provided me warmth by laying atop me. And in return for her warmth draped across my flattened self, it was only fair that i should use my massage skills to her abused shoulders. The first dog, "Gunner", saw this as an obvious attempt to smother me and of course, ran to assist. In my cold and weakened state, i sat with shivers, Roomie, and Gunner, and a growing sense of dread. What would tomorrow bring?
The answer came soon enough, as Roomie and RoomieMommie had to leave me alone with the two horse-sized dogs the next day. As the day continued, a repair crew needed to be called to fix the refrigerator. I saw this as silly, as what need is there for a refrigerator, if the entire state of North Dakota is below freezing? However, as the only one in the house, it was my responsibility to see the task repaired and done. Though, nothing comes easy...
You see, in a manner of speaking Roomie does not have two dogs, she has one dog, she has Gunner; and Gunner, you see, has his own dog, Harley. Gunner, while the size of Cerberus, is in his heart of hearts a loyal and good dog. His dog, meanwhile, is the smartest moron i have ever met. Harley can open doors. Without the use of thumbs or brains, he can open doors. A feat that, were it used to the benefit of others, would be worthy of praise. But no, Harley uses this skill to frolic among the burrs in the tall grasses and sniff and track the things of the wild. Also, when strangers would invade his home, Harley looses his shit.
Therefore, to protect the repair crew as they slaved away at the broken refrigerator, i was forced to lock Harley away in the only room his thumb-less, brainless self couldn't escape: the downstairs bathroom.
As the day progressed and the disparaging noises from the imprisoned dog lessened, the repairs were completed and the dog was to be set free. Now, now comes the crucible of dealing with the smartest of the dumb. Harley, in his panic and fear, somehow managed to lock himself into the bathroom from the inside. To better appreciate this, know that Roomie and RoomieMommie are gone. The repair crew are gone. gunner is nearby, but more interested in "BALL!" than being of any use. And i know nothing of How to Free Impressively Dumb Dog from Bathroom; i seemed to have missed that class back in college. Luckily, after years of study in the school of McGuyver episodes, i gerried the door open to an extremely excited dog who showed great deals of appreciations by licking anything within sight. Srsly, the dog licked the carpet before licking my hand and face. Dog is special.
After that, the days seemed subdued. Visits to museums, shoppes, additional family members, restaurants, and bull riding. I tried Horchata, and Pickled Lemons, and drank sodas that defy logic, flavors such as: Bacon soda, Rocket Fizz, Sioux City Cherries n' Mint, Bug Barf, Dog Drool, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Martian Poop, Ranch Dressing, Creamy Red Birch, Puma Kola, Almond Creme, Death Valley Cola, Pepper Elixer, Peach Nehi, Grape Nehi, Cock and Bull Ginger Beer, Cookie Dough Bites Soda, Honey Cream, Apple Pie Soda, Mandarin and Seville Orange Jigger, Zombie Brain Juice, Jolt Red Eye, and Buffalo Wing Soda just to name a few.
To end our crazy days of adventure, Roomie and i went back to what we knew, what we loved, bad movies. We watched Tucker and Dale VS Evil and Iron Skies.
All and all, my days in North Dakota were filled with love from a wonderful and loving family and an unending dread that at any moment i would die. Horribly. Frozen. My small body never to be found in the great expanse of the North Dakotain roaming hills. A "magic city" indeed. ^_^
My trip began as most trips would, with a sense of adventure, waiting for me just beyond the next horizon. I yearn for such joyous times. When nothing in my everyday life is acceptable and everything is dependent on what i will do, what i will experience next.
Enter Roomie. Oh, she looks non-threatening. that's her ploy. She'll suck you in, a spider in her web, casting lies and half-truths. "You'll have fun. You'll try new things." Whatever it takes to lure you in.
And i succumbed. I flew to her den of lies, cold lies, snow-drowned lies, horrible sun-less lies, lies without end buried under cold and snow and death. I went to North Dakota.
Yes, North Dakota. I went the the "Magic City", "Little Chicago", also known as Minot. A small and unassuming town of rolling hills, trains, and huge houses with wall-to-wall windows high atop the hills.
Roomie's home was par for the course; she had a modest house with skylights, a greenhouse, a milkhouse, a small stream, a lake, a garden, and two massive horse-sized dogs. Said dogs, while ginormous, firmly believe that they are lap dogs. "Dog pile" is a sad and terrible way to leave this mortal coil, yet these two seem set on killing me in just such a lowly manner.
My first day was spent sleeping in and reveling in the warmth that only seven quilts piled thick atop a person can provide. I learned that one of the main reasons Roomie's family was so earnest adopted me was due to my diminutive stature. I suppose they, in their infinite tall-ness, must look down upon me and conclude that such a small and fragile thing could never survive without assistance. How do i know that they're so much taller than me? Oh, my first waking day informed me.
The mirrors, all the mirrors, in the guest bathroom were all too tall for me to see myself. I could only gauge my general appearance based on what could be reflected from my chin and upward. Not a single bathroom mirror was low enough to function beyond judging that my hair seemed brushed.
Oh, how this family must pity me and my sad stature...
As i emerged from the downstairs lair that had been generously given to me, i came to sight a vision of evil beyond imagining: a middle-aged man in a pair of denims and in need of a haircut. This is what it means to gaze into the heart of evil!
This... man, who i call "RoomieDad", has passed on his treacherous ways to his daughter. He is the source of Roomie's malicious heart.
RoomieDad toured me about Minot, ND. He showed me snow. This glistening white powder that carelessly sits atop the ground. So unassuming. LIES! I went to touch this marvel from the sky, and in so doing, i turned my back from this evil man. In the blink of an eye, i was covered in the cold death from above. Said coverage came from the man standing before me, shovel in hand, wet from use, and his bright and happy smile.
North Dakota... cold and evil.
Later, after facing the elements and eating strange German foods that defy both spelling and speech, i returned to the House of Lies, needed warmth and uncaring the source. I see now that this was all part of their plans for me. They welcomed me, they fed me, they pushed me beyond my endurance, and upon sensing my weakened state, Roomie pounced.
She, in her magnanimous generosity, provided me warmth by laying atop me. And in return for her warmth draped across my flattened self, it was only fair that i should use my massage skills to her abused shoulders. The first dog, "Gunner", saw this as an obvious attempt to smother me and of course, ran to assist. In my cold and weakened state, i sat with shivers, Roomie, and Gunner, and a growing sense of dread. What would tomorrow bring?
The answer came soon enough, as Roomie and RoomieMommie had to leave me alone with the two horse-sized dogs the next day. As the day continued, a repair crew needed to be called to fix the refrigerator. I saw this as silly, as what need is there for a refrigerator, if the entire state of North Dakota is below freezing? However, as the only one in the house, it was my responsibility to see the task repaired and done. Though, nothing comes easy...
You see, in a manner of speaking Roomie does not have two dogs, she has one dog, she has Gunner; and Gunner, you see, has his own dog, Harley. Gunner, while the size of Cerberus, is in his heart of hearts a loyal and good dog. His dog, meanwhile, is the smartest moron i have ever met. Harley can open doors. Without the use of thumbs or brains, he can open doors. A feat that, were it used to the benefit of others, would be worthy of praise. But no, Harley uses this skill to frolic among the burrs in the tall grasses and sniff and track the things of the wild. Also, when strangers would invade his home, Harley looses his shit.
Therefore, to protect the repair crew as they slaved away at the broken refrigerator, i was forced to lock Harley away in the only room his thumb-less, brainless self couldn't escape: the downstairs bathroom.
As the day progressed and the disparaging noises from the imprisoned dog lessened, the repairs were completed and the dog was to be set free. Now, now comes the crucible of dealing with the smartest of the dumb. Harley, in his panic and fear, somehow managed to lock himself into the bathroom from the inside. To better appreciate this, know that Roomie and RoomieMommie are gone. The repair crew are gone. gunner is nearby, but more interested in "BALL!" than being of any use. And i know nothing of How to Free Impressively Dumb Dog from Bathroom; i seemed to have missed that class back in college. Luckily, after years of study in the school of McGuyver episodes, i gerried the door open to an extremely excited dog who showed great deals of appreciations by licking anything within sight. Srsly, the dog licked the carpet before licking my hand and face. Dog is special.
After that, the days seemed subdued. Visits to museums, shoppes, additional family members, restaurants, and bull riding. I tried Horchata, and Pickled Lemons, and drank sodas that defy logic, flavors such as: Bacon soda, Rocket Fizz, Sioux City Cherries n' Mint, Bug Barf, Dog Drool, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Martian Poop, Ranch Dressing, Creamy Red Birch, Puma Kola, Almond Creme, Death Valley Cola, Pepper Elixer, Peach Nehi, Grape Nehi, Cock and Bull Ginger Beer, Cookie Dough Bites Soda, Honey Cream, Apple Pie Soda, Mandarin and Seville Orange Jigger, Zombie Brain Juice, Jolt Red Eye, and Buffalo Wing Soda just to name a few.
To end our crazy days of adventure, Roomie and i went back to what we knew, what we loved, bad movies. We watched Tucker and Dale VS Evil and Iron Skies.
All and all, my days in North Dakota were filled with love from a wonderful and loving family and an unending dread that at any moment i would die. Horribly. Frozen. My small body never to be found in the great expanse of the North Dakotain roaming hills. A "magic city" indeed. ^_^