Feet Bacon!
So, in a fit of what I call “the girlies”, I went and did something stupid. I got my nails done. They were nearly twice their normal length and bright purple. (I also had my eyebrows waxed. That was new.)
At first, I felt pretty. I did it because I’M STUPID I wanted something decidedly “girly” on my person. I had not done anything definitive of a girl since my sister’s wedding when not only did I have to have my nails done but also my feet.
It was quite traumatic actually and I’m surprised that I even chose to go through it all again considering…
You see, five years ago, my sister decided that as bride’s maid, I and all of the other unlucky winners would get their nails done.
As I sat in the massage chair, my fingers still drying from the “French manicure”, I was rather relaxed. I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want to get my nails done, and I hated all of the chemicals that I was inhaling. But the massage chair felt nice and my feet were being massaged. I loved that.
In that one moment of comfort and contentment, I mistakenly opened my eyes. The very nice man who, I thought, was scratching my feet in a deep and soothing manner, was instead doing something with a tool of some kind. “What was that?” I thought.
I leaned in closer. My, that looks like a razor. No, that can’t be right. I don’t have any hair on the heels of my feet. So then, what is that?
Oh, look. There by the water’s edge is some bowl. It looks as though it’s filled with a rather substantial amount of pink ginger. Like the kind they have as a side with my sushi.
Is he eating?
No! look! Whatever is coming from off the razor looking tool is that ginger stuff. It’s like that ginger is coming from my feet. Like he’s scraping ginger off my feet.
Strange, I don’t have an ginger there.
…
HE’S SHAVING THE FLESH FROM MY FEET AND PLACING IN A BOWL! HE’S GOING TO EAT MY FEET FLESH! HE’S MAKING FEET BACON!
I immediately jumped out from the chair and ran the three feet to the door until one of my fellow bridal maids stopped me.
Apparently, it was expected that my foot flesh be removed. It was all part of the “service”.
No. Thank you, but heck and no.
And so, just a few weeks ago, there I was again, getting my nails done. Mind you, NOT at the same place, nor did I get a Pedi.
At first, it wasn’t too bad. I had pretty fingers. I got the “girlies” out of my system for at least another 5 years. All and all, not bad.
That is, until I hit my right pointer finger against a surface, breaking not only the fake nail, but also the real nail underneath. Oh, I hurt. A great deal of hurt.
I got home, trimmed all those little bastards down to purple nubs, and bandaided an adhesive splint for my finger.
For the next three days, I peeled and pulled all of the purple death threats from my fingers, all but the bandaided one.
I knew that I had to wait until the break either healed, or the break grew closer to the edge of the tip of my finger.
For days, my finger throbbed. It woke me up several times.
I just thought that the healing was taking more time than expected. How was I to know? I’ve never broken a finger nail like that.
Finally! I got the damn purple menace off. And a red and puss-filled finger is what was waiting for me underneath. Ew.
I never equated fingers to face, but I popped my finger like a highschooler does a huge zit.
Only today have I taken the Band-Aid off.
So, what have I learned from all of this?
That being a girl sucks and I will stick to being ME. (For at least another five years, until I forget how horrible things happen to me when I get “girly”.)
In other news, I went to Tampa with my sister and mother.
To preface, Mommie is in desperate strife that I am not enjoying being a Christian. Or that I’m not a good enough Christian. Mostly because I don’t enjoy church and most other Christians. Or, at least not the ones that she likes. Surprise! We’re different people; we like different things!
My sister meanwhile, is VERY… I don’t know if there’s a word for what’s wrong with her. She’s one of those people who ALWAYS care about what other people think of her. If the billboard says that you’re supposed to wear blue, then she’ll wear blue. And she’s come a long way. Now, she’s very discerning when she chooses what billboard to listen to, but still… she stresses about her hair not curling just right. And she’ll not go out because of her hair. That’s just who she is.
So, when Mommie heard that CHRISTIAN LADY was coming to Tampa and giving a three day talk fest, she invited not only sister, but also me.
…
Fuck.
*sigh* Fine.
So, there we were, listening to CL go on and on and on about her FEELINGS. Sister loved it. It applied to her.
It was all about having self esteem and whatever.
Me? I already have that. Whatever neurosises I have at this point in my life are there to stay and I’ve dealt with them already.
So there I sat. and sat. and sat. listening to CL sharing her deepestSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!
At one point during this THREE DAY EVENT, sister wanted to go shopping. There was a special store that we don’t have in Tally. I get that. Cool. We’ll go to your dealy-o and then unto my thing. There’s a museum featuring impressistic works. Yey!
Mommie gets the God stuff, sister gets the shopping stuff, and I get the art stuff. We all win.
We went to a mall. And we found her store. And then another, and another, and ect. We spent all day at the mall. We have two of those in Tally.
Sister was still keen on the museum idea, she wasn’t selfish or anything. She knew that I wanted to go. That is, until she learned that this wasn’t a children’s museum. To paraquote her: what do you mean? There are only paintings? Who would want to go see that?
*sigh* She’s actually smart, people. Really!
So, lots of some lady telling me for three days that God loves me and that I’m pretty just the way that I am.
Lots of shopping. Mommie bought me a gift for Christmas.
And then I still had to go to church once we got back to C-ville. Not fair!
Two days later, Mommie and Poppito are heading to BibleThumperAunt and want me to go too. I told them no, I will sit for their dog, and have a happy thanksgiving okay bye there’s the door you should go before you get caught in traffic bye!
I’m spending Thanksgiving all by my beautiful self! ^_^
Lastly, I have discovered just this morning that I am now doing the job of FIVE people for the pay of ONE.
My two ASSIGNED to me coworkers are… less than qualified.
One is physically disabled and so she physically CANNOT do the work assigned. I do her work.
The other is mentally disabled and can therefore not COMPREHEND how to do the work assigned. I do his work.
The other position is currently empty and will remain so until question mark. I do this work.
I have to do the work assigned to me. I do my work.
And today, one of the office peeps from clear on the other side of the damn office is out, and for reasons unknown, I’m doing her shit too.
But don’t worry, my middle finger wasn’t the one that was hurt.
Happy Thanksgiving, All!
oh, i also hand sewn and entire dress and a pair of pj bottoms while on this trip. with decoritive stitching!