shit, christy, i''d have to go back to that year's journal and look at what was happening...i AM putting something together.i have three fires burning, but two don't need to be burning right now, this is the one i've been giving the big energy to. i wanted to see what people who read just one essay out of the bunch and what it made them think.
i have a new friend, he's 84 and one of the wisest people i've ever met. he's helping me alot acknowledge who i am, because when i'm completely naked and honest he tells me how beautiful i am. (ain't it just like a woman to have her vanity stroked to kick her ass into gear?!). no, it's honestly not like that. he just validates me in a way my father didn't very often and my grandfather did twice, the once when he took the nancy drew type fiction out of my hands at age nine and gave me jack london and right now i forget the other, but it's written down somwhere and Imporatnt.
i don't know...I don't want to be looked on as yet another victim anyfuckingmore. i just need to get it out of my system. let it go poison the person who made it happen, or better yet, let it drop into a chasm that opens into hell and then closes up...
my goal, is i've pulled all the good entries out of live journal and from my own personal diaries; i've copyrighted them already and i'm going to hone them down to a fine knife edge that andrew vaschss would be proud of and then I'm going to look for a publisher. they say women hit their stride in their fifties (that's not true looking at kathleen winter and others and look what gloria steinem was doing while I was attending highschool: i've got role models to help me out of the morass and i'm gonna make them my 'friends' in the midnight hours), but women like muriel rukizer who took something like 17 years off her writing to raise kids and then came back stronger than a whole hell of alot of men. this is my goal. it's time i blew my doors in for younger women, for women my age who can't voice what happened, for the boys who grew up always afraid and thus take it out on women, the all consuming icon of Mother.
i have alot more to say, but i'm holding off for now. thanks for reading. it IS a book, and i hiope soon.
i've held it in check. it's brutal, it's ugly and it's frightening. thank you thank you for being willing to accept what is. who's me. it's why all those parts of me you don't like. i'm a fire engine siren inside. i'm going to open my mouth. it's going to be LOUD.
what will be gratifying, what will make me know i'm on the right track, is knowing what men think. and not men like nils or jake, who have been raised sensitized by the kind of mothers they have. i want to know what a man who was raised by june cleaver thinks. someone who, if he is in touch with his inner self, did it on his own. that's the final victory.
i have a new friend, he's 84 and one of the wisest people i've ever met. he's helping me alot acknowledge who i am, because when i'm completely naked and honest he tells me how beautiful i am. (ain't it just like a woman to have her vanity stroked to kick her ass into gear?!). no, it's honestly not like that. he just validates me in a way my father didn't very often and my grandfather did twice, the once when he took the nancy drew type fiction out of my hands at age nine and gave me jack london and right now i forget the other, but it's written down somwhere and Imporatnt.
i don't know...I don't want to be looked on as yet another victim anyfuckingmore. i just need to get it out of my system. let it go poison the person who made it happen, or better yet, let it drop into a chasm that opens into hell and then closes up...
my goal, is i've pulled all the good entries out of live journal and from my own personal diaries; i've copyrighted them already and i'm going to hone them down to a fine knife edge that andrew vaschss would be proud of and then I'm going to look for a publisher. they say women hit their stride in their fifties (that's not true looking at kathleen winter and others and look what gloria steinem was doing while I was attending highschool: i've got role models to help me out of the morass and i'm gonna make them my 'friends' in the midnight hours), but women like muriel rukizer who took something like 17 years off her writing to raise kids and then came back stronger than a whole hell of alot of men. this is my goal. it's time i blew my doors in for younger women, for women my age who can't voice what happened, for the boys who grew up always afraid and thus take it out on women, the all consuming icon of Mother.
i have alot more to say, but i'm holding off for now.
thanks for reading. it IS a book, and i hiope soon.
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thank you thank you for being willing to accept what is. who's me. it's why all those parts of me you don't like.
i'm a fire engine siren inside. i'm going to open my mouth.
it's going to be LOUD.
what will be gratifying, what will make me know i'm on the right track,
is knowing what men think. and not men like nils or jake, who have been raised sensitized by the kind of mothers they have. i want to know what a man who was raised by june cleaver thinks. someone who, if he is in touch with his inner self, did it on his own. that's the final victory.
Reply
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