(no subject)
Back in December I wrote that eventually people would stop asking...and it happened. The thing is, I don't know that I really needed to talk all of the time. But now that almost 4 months have past I feel the need to speak more about how I am feeling. I was at the point where I could speak about Star without totally bursting into tears. My voice might quiver but, in all, I held it together. And then came this past week...
For some reason I find myself sobbing more often then not. I was able to keep myself somewhat busy with the conference in Florida but I would find myself drifting off. I was speaking with one of my grad school professors and all she said was "how's your family?" and I blurted out "my sister died" and I started sobbing. Thankfully it was my favorite professor. She hugged me and asked if she was sick and I said no. She held me for a while and then let me talk. I just kept apologizing.
I keep wondering what needs to happen next. I haven't been home since Christmas. I know, I know, I'm a terrible daughter. I really don't know how my family is doing. My grandmother and I didn't end on the greatest of terms and I feel bad but she hasn't exactly reached out to me either. I keep saying that people need to move on but I don't know how to help people do that. For me it's been systematic. I came back here after Christmas and people would ask how I was doing. I said fine. I did the blood tests...twice. Had all of my doctor appointments. Went back to work. And I work ALL OF THE TIME. I drank more than usual. Alcohol at social events was the only way I could handle them...and it never went well for me since it usually ended in tears.
Life needs to return to normal...
For some reason I find myself sobbing more often then not. I was able to keep myself somewhat busy with the conference in Florida but I would find myself drifting off. I was speaking with one of my grad school professors and all she said was "how's your family?" and I blurted out "my sister died" and I started sobbing. Thankfully it was my favorite professor. She hugged me and asked if she was sick and I said no. She held me for a while and then let me talk. I just kept apologizing.
I keep wondering what needs to happen next. I haven't been home since Christmas. I know, I know, I'm a terrible daughter. I really don't know how my family is doing. My grandmother and I didn't end on the greatest of terms and I feel bad but she hasn't exactly reached out to me either. I keep saying that people need to move on but I don't know how to help people do that. For me it's been systematic. I came back here after Christmas and people would ask how I was doing. I said fine. I did the blood tests...twice. Had all of my doctor appointments. Went back to work. And I work ALL OF THE TIME. I drank more than usual. Alcohol at social events was the only way I could handle them...and it never went well for me since it usually ended in tears.
Life needs to return to normal...