Feeling...
a number of things so just bear with me.
I feel guilty that I wasn't home when Star passed away. I know. I live in central NY and the rest of my family is in Philly. And I didn't know she was going to die but I feel guilty that I was here and the rest of my family had to be in the emergency room without me. I feel bad that all I want to talk about is my sister and what I am feeling. My friends have their own lives and their own problems. Some don't want to hear about me and how I feel. But I seem to be all consuming. I feel like I can't control my crying. The littlest things set me off. Someone could be talking about work and my mind just wanders to Star. Lately it's been about one of the last times I saw her. I know I saw her on Thanksgiving but it's not what sticks out in my mind (although I do remember asking her if I was finally going to meet Michael). It is our girls night out. The three of us went to dinner at Monk's. I can remember everything from that night. I love our nights together. I picked up Debbie and we met Star at Monk's. We waited for a table, they made comments about what I was wearing (I think both hoping that it'll be theirs one day), and we finally sat down in the back room. We ate frites (which always makes me think of Amsterdam and the hunt for the perfect frite around Europe), cheese, grapes, burgers, and they drank beer. We walked in the rain to Naked Chocolate (one of Star's finds in Center City) and the perfect cup of hot chocolate. We laughed. If I had known that that night was the last night I was really going to hang out with her I would have listened more and talked less. I would have joked around more during our dessert. I would have told her I loved her again, be safe, take care of herself. Our parents taught us to always tell each other that we love each other, which we do, so when we say it at the end of all of our conversations, we meant it. So she knows that I love her and I know that she loves me, but I want to hear it again. Selfish. I'm feeling selfish today. I want her back.
I feel guilty that I wasn't home when Star passed away. I know. I live in central NY and the rest of my family is in Philly. And I didn't know she was going to die but I feel guilty that I was here and the rest of my family had to be in the emergency room without me. I feel bad that all I want to talk about is my sister and what I am feeling. My friends have their own lives and their own problems. Some don't want to hear about me and how I feel. But I seem to be all consuming. I feel like I can't control my crying. The littlest things set me off. Someone could be talking about work and my mind just wanders to Star. Lately it's been about one of the last times I saw her. I know I saw her on Thanksgiving but it's not what sticks out in my mind (although I do remember asking her if I was finally going to meet Michael). It is our girls night out. The three of us went to dinner at Monk's. I can remember everything from that night. I love our nights together. I picked up Debbie and we met Star at Monk's. We waited for a table, they made comments about what I was wearing (I think both hoping that it'll be theirs one day), and we finally sat down in the back room. We ate frites (which always makes me think of Amsterdam and the hunt for the perfect frite around Europe), cheese, grapes, burgers, and they drank beer. We walked in the rain to Naked Chocolate (one of Star's finds in Center City) and the perfect cup of hot chocolate. We laughed. If I had known that that night was the last night I was really going to hang out with her I would have listened more and talked less. I would have joked around more during our dessert. I would have told her I loved her again, be safe, take care of herself. Our parents taught us to always tell each other that we love each other, which we do, so when we say it at the end of all of our conversations, we meant it. So she knows that I love her and I know that she loves me, but I want to hear it again. Selfish. I'm feeling selfish today. I want her back.