You become a monster so the monster will not break you.
I've been thinking a lot lately; obviously not writing, but thinking. I've met or exceeded every goal I could have set out for myself coming out of high school by 25. And yet I'm still constantly driven forward (or away in some cases) by anger, insecurity, and spite. These things spurred me forward to become the person I envisioned years ago, obtaining the job I wanted, finding a girl to share my life with, owning a house, and even improving my collection to a point I couldn't have imagined. Yet every day I feel like I'm running behind and need to catch up. I'll sometimes stay awake at night thinking of wrongs that have been done to me and how I would like to right them. I continually fail to give myself credit for accomplishment and continue spreading blame for what I don't have to myself and others. What am I still trying to prove? Who am I angry with and why does it matter now? It seemed to me there was no better person to ask then myself, over the course of the "livejournal period" of my life, the years 2002-2005. I'll post some of the highlights and while I consider the outcomes I'll see if anyone can provide any insight. (Note- this section was written in May of 2009 and saved for future thought, it wasn't posted before the thoughts at the end.)
We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns 10/25/02
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? It's not sadness, anger, or any other negative connotation. For those things, there is a rational reason to be sad/angry etc.. and thus an upside that will bring everything back into balance once the hurting stops. No, the worst feeling in the world isn't so much a feeling at all really. It's emptiness. It's not feeling anything positive or negative, and not even responding to the things that should be positive or negative. It's feeling like everything you do is a complete waste, and that all of your potential is slipping away. It's waking up in the morning and not having anything particular to do, not minding that you don't have anything to do, and not wanting to make the effort to find something to do. It's being bored with everything, and not finding purpose in the things that you can normally at least pretend to care about. How does one get to that point, exactly? Perhaps it could come from years of trying to live up to the expectations other people have for you, doing your best to believe that those things are what you really want out of life, and seeing those dreams fall apart piece by piece without being able to stop them. Perhaps its coming to the realization that your life is a foregone conclusion, and something that you have only minimal control over. Or maybe all of it is bullshit, it's really all in your head, and things aren't as pointless and drawn out as you think. But anyway you look at it, you can't shake the cloud that's kind of taken hold of you. You used to find meaning in school, and you did well. The same went for basketball, and you excelled. You got a girlfriend, you found a great set of friends, and you had the perfect life. There was no worry about money, and no need to think about the future. You were going to be a doctor, because that's what your father wanted you to be, and you were sure it would be fine. You were going to be a high school basketball player, because that's what all of your coaches, your dad, and your uncle said you would be. You didn't have a worry in the world. But then, everything changed. You had the divorce, then the sickness, and you lost basketball. But you still had your friends, school was still important, you found a new sport, and you found the girl of your dreams. Things weren't like you thought they would be, but they weren't bad. But then, things changed. You lost the girl, you stopped caring about school, and soon enough you lost the sport. You had your friends, of course, they would always be there. But all of a sudden, people were dissapointed in you, even if they wouldn't always tell you so. You got messed up in some things you shouldn't have involved yourself in, and things began to spin out of your control. But you somehow pulled it all together at the end, and you had a nice week of people telling you how proud they were of your accomplishments, and how bright your future was. But when that was over, you looked back on your so-called accomplishments, and realized that they meant nothing to you, no matter how much you wanted them to, and you realized that those accomplishments guaranteed you absolutely nothing in the real world. So you got yourself a new job, a nice new vehicle, and you got ready to embark on the adventure that they call real life. But after two weeks in college, you knew that you wanted out. And then, it kind of hit you. You hadn't followed your dreams and realized any of your goals because you hadn't had any for years. Even then, were they really your goals? You were going to be a high school basketball star, #1 in your class with a 4.0 GPA, get a 30 on the ACT and get a full ride to college, bench press 400 lbs in high school, and date a beautiful, smart girl steady through high school and college and then get married, have 2 kids and a nice house, which you could afford on your doctor's salary, and live a long, happy, healthy life. But then, you woke up on a Tuesday in mid-September of your freshman year in college, and realized none of that, even the stuff that was still possible, was ever going to happen. And it hit you with a pain so sharp that you couldn't even move. You woke up to an empty house, petted your dog like you might any other morning, and made yourself a fresh pot of coffee. You drank that coffee, the entire pot, and you thought about what could have went wrong. And you thought about your mother and father, you thought about the divorce, you thought about Coach Curley and freshman basketball, you thought about the damn doctor's, you thought about Melanie Brown, you thought about Coach Martin, and you thought about your grandfather all at the same time. You thought of everything and nothing, and decided against thinking anymore. You skipped school and went back to sleep, woke up and went to work, and everything went on just the same as before. Only you weren't the same. It was like something overloaded your system, and you had lost all motivation along with lack of motivation. You just existed, without being positive or negative. You went along like that for the rest of the night, came home and went to sleep, and you woke up feeling better. You felt like writing music again, you felt like seeing your friends, and you felt like going to work. Everything went back to normal. But that void, the emptiness that you felt that day, it was always lingering. But things were fine, you went on with your life and work, but it seemed as if everyday, the emptiness grew and expanded, if such a thing is possible. But you couldn't discuss it with anyone, because no one would possibly understand. You had a birthday, you turned 19, and you decided that you needed to address this growing emptiness, so you did an inventory of sorts. At 19, you had $9,000 to your name, a pretty nice truck, you were enrolled in college with free tuition, had a well-paying job and a thriving business. You had a good group of friends, you had many females that you could go places with and talk to, you weren't in a relationship but you knew that there was time for that, and you couldn't think of anything that you were really wanting for. And, of course, that was it. That was the reason for the emptiness. You realized that everything was there for you already, and all you had to do was go through a mundane 4 years, get a piece of paper that said you could do a job, and go on about building a secure future. You suddenly remembered being 13 years old and reading Catcher in the Rye. Not that anyone should read Catcher in the Rye at 13, but you did. And you were startled that someone could just go off on their own, do the things they wanted to do, say the things they wanted to say, and be totally free of any authority. You decided then, for a brief moment, that you wanted to be Holden Caufield. Not because Holden Caufield was a particularly good person or had a great life, but because he was unlike anyone you had ever read about. You wanted to be something different, someone that could live outside the lines and do the things that you wanted to do without having to answer to anyone. But you forgot that over the years, things happened, and you let other people control your life. You were shaped into what they wanted you to be, and you never gave much thought about what you wanted because they never taught you to think about such things. The first decision you were ever supposed to make for yourself was college, and that was only which school to go to, not whether or not to go. And you thought about it, and you felt that you should be angry that you never had control of your own destiny. But instead, you only felt relieved. You were relieved that you had realized what caused the emptiness, and you could start taking steps to eradicate the void. And that day, you began with a clean slate in your own mind. Of course, you were still the same in everyone else's mind. Your past hadn't changed a bit, and the expectations that others had for you remained the same. But you were now better prepared to deal with those expectations, and you were ready to begin formulating your own goals and dreams, your own. You went to sleep that night better than you had in years, it seemed. You woke up to the same world, with the same bullshit and the same people living in other people's dreams, but you felt a sense of accomplishment that you had come to terms with all the things that had been literally eating you up inside for years. It took a lot to feel again, but perhaps the emptiness was the best thing for you in the long run. Only time, lots of time, will tell.
FOLLOWUP-12/12/02:
I spent years of my life searching for my purpose, for my place in everything. It frustrated me to no end, and I was beginning to think that I would never find my reason for being. It was only recently, through much contemplation and searching, that I found that I am my own purpose and my own reason. This was not an easy conclusion to come by.
All of the things I heard from kindergarten on never lead me to believe this. I was taught that everyone was equal in God’s eyes, that all people deserve to be treated equally, and that we need people to function. No man is an island unto himself. I heard that, and I believed it. I believed it was my social responsibility to do service, to help people, to donate money. At the same time, I didn’t say anyone standing in line to help me or give me money, but I didn’t question it for a minute. Early on I decided I was going to get married and have two kids, live in the perfect house, and generally live the American dream. It was what I was told to want, what I had learned to want...but I don’t think I ever truly wanted it. I know now that it was never what I really wanted, and I don’t intend to force it on myself.
I saw the sacrifices my dad made for me, and I desired to make them worthwhile. I did the things I was supposed to do to make him proud of me. I never asked why, because it wasn’t necessary to do so. I never even wondered what I was going to do with my life. The only thing of importance was being successful in his eyes. It was only recently that I decided that I needed to begin doing things for myself.
I read certain books, considered certain things, and decided how I wanted to live my life. I was told that this was the first step to true happiness, and I am inclined to believe it. I didn’t give a thought to what I wanted to be, or how I was going to support myself. I only considered how I wanted to view myself. I decided that I was going to become a person that I could respect, someone that I could love. I didn’t give a thought to how other people might perceive me. I realized that I didn’t want my life to be just another sequel of my father’s life, my grandfather’s life, and the lives of many generations before them. I want to live to make myself happy, not to dedicate my life to some career or even a family. If an opportunity comes for a career, I will only take it if it will enhance my life in some way instead of making my life revolve around it. I do not wish to be defined by my career. My father is a policeman, not a man that does police work for a living. There is a major difference.
I don’t wish to be married simply to procreate. If procreation were my only desire, I would find the most suitable mother and arrange the transfer of semen. I would have no relationship with this woman, but I would support my children. Thus, my children would be provided for financially and nurtured, which don’t always go hand in hand. If I should have the opportunity to be married, it must be with the perfect woman. By that, I don’t mean the most attractive or the richest. I want the one that I can trust more than anyone, that I can talk to about anything, that will understand me, that shares at least some common interests and goals, someone who doesn’t want to marry me just so that I can support them, and someone that would be an excellent mother to any children that we may have. All of these things are important, and must not be compromised. I must never settle for less, because doing so would be wasting the chance to have a happy, satisfying marriage. A marriage must only enhance my life, not burden me with unneeded stress and unhappiness.
Having children should be much the same. I will not have children simply so that I can give my life over to them. Such would be putting my life on hold. I would like to provide my children with the best possible things to a certain extent. My children will never want for food, shelter, clothing, or suitable toys, as these things are all important in the development of a child. They will have both learning materials and athletic equipment, and will be pushed towards neither. There will never be any expectation of them to be a success in school. If they love to learn, then they will do so of their own accord. If they are inclined to learn and need my help for any reason, then I will avail myself to them. Likewise, if they are to pick up a basketball and have the desire to learn, then I will present them basketball to the best of my abilities. They will never be disciplined for being selfish and not sharing, nor will they be expected to play with others if they choose not to. Religion of any kind will not be forced upon them. If they should find interest in religion at some point, then religion will be taught to them to the best of my ability and understanding. I will never be disappointed with them for not living up to their full potential, because there can be no such thing as potential without expectation. Nor will I allow any outside forces to place expectations upon them. If they turn out to not be particularly gifted, or to not be driven towards any great goal, I will not feel that I have failed them. If they turn out to be wonderful, unique people that are very successful and happy, I will not feel responsible either. It will be of their own accord that they find the happiness and success. They will owe me nothing, and I will expect nothing from them. If they associate with me past the time when it is necessary for their survival to do so, it will be because they want to. I will determine my success as a parent based on the sense of self that my children develop. I do not intend to raise more people to populate the planet that are of no consequence to it. Being themselves, at any rate and at any cost, will be the only thing that I ever ask of them.
I intend to live a happy life. I know that there will be things such as bills, but I do not wish to consider them any more than necessary. If there is anything that I really want, I intend to have it, without the consideration of money or practicality. At the same time, I do not intend to buy things just because I have money. I intend to live within my means and to never spend money for the sake of impressing other people. I will have a fine, comfortable home, and I will own it. I will decorate it as I please, for it will be my place of sanctuary. My friends will always be welcome at my home. There will no room there for people that I wish not to associate with. Whether I am rich, poor, or somewhere in between, the house will be the symbol for my life. It will be the motivation for me to work. The things that I have will be the reason for my work, I will not work to get more and more things. I intend on living comfortably. Money will not be tight, nor will it be abundant. There will be enough to have the things that I want and the things that I need, and there will not be a great deal of excess.
I do not plan to be a religious person. Should religion appeal to me one day, perhaps I will give it more consideration. I do not plan to be charitable, as I believe that everyone should work for exactly what they have. Education will never be important to me. However, that does not mean I will never again attend school. I plan on keeping it in its proper perspective, and not basing my success as a person on my academic achievements. Work will be a means to an end, and I will keep work in its proper perspective as well. Should I have a successful career, I will not let it define me as a person. If I am to be married, then I will not compromise myself to do so. Marriage should enhance my life, not hamper it. Should I ever have children, they will be precious to me, but they will not become my reason for being. I must always be my own reason for being. The day that I stop living for myself is the day that my life is over.
You know things come and go in life, and people are always changing... 09-02/03
Is there anything in our lives that is really permanent? One of my favorite lyrics is the title here. It's not even an abstract thought on the surface, but when you really examine it...its a tough thing to think about. Maybe everything that you knew for a fact to be true at 16, and the things that mattered most to you...you find to not only not be true, but are not even present as a thought anymore at 20. If you view time as a succession and age as a learning process, it doesn't really matter what you believe at 16, because you will know much more and be better informed at 20. Then again at 25. Then again at 30. So it goes. So, why believe anything? Why make decisions and choices now? Why fall in love?
The answer is because we have to live every minute, or at least every day in our lives. We can't understand what we will know at 20 when we are 16, no more than at 20 can we comprehend what we could possibly know and understand at 25, 30, etc.I don't know any man that can see the future. I'm not even sure that I would want to see the future if I could. I might like to know that everything will work out ok...but if I knew that everything would turn out fine I probably wouldn't strive to live every day and make myself a better human being. I would simply be content in the knowledge that I would be fine and my fate was certain. Or worse. What if I were to see the future down the line and find out that I wasn't in it? Or that someone I love wasn't in it...and of course that can be expected. Or if you could see that your friends had made bad mistakes and messed up their lives, or if the girl you wanted to marry was with someone else...and you couldn't do anything about it?
Dan had a very interesting theory of time, I wish I could remember how to explain it. It is 1970, but also 2030 and 500 BC. I am alive now, I am alive in 1987 as a 4 year old, and God-willing in 2033 at 50...all at the same time. But everyone in everyone of those times is absolutely oblivious to every one of the times that come after and can only vaguely recall the ones before in chronology, which is only something that we comprehend, not an instrument of time itself. Chronology is an abstract to make our minds assimilate to this.
I don't know if that makes any sense, and I'm pretty sure it isn't true. But what I can't possibly understand is why we can't simply decide on one fate, one group of friends, one person to love, and one career to pursue at some defined age and never have to think about it again because it will all work out how you want it to. Maybe what I'm talking about is a world in which no one really ever lives their lives...they simply exist. I just don't know what's wrong with keeping the mindset from 16 and sticking with it if thats what makes you happy and it works for you. Why do 17, 18 and fucking 19 have to skew that vision to the point where you can't remember exactly what you wanted and why, even if you knew you had it figured out then and you were happy. Fuck growing up, fuck maturity, fuck learning and growing as a person. I think I've done plenty of those things, and I only wish I could regress back to that point now. And thank you very much Jason for making me think about all that, though you had no control over that whatsoever.
I don't know where this nostalgia for the year 2000 has come from lately. I mean, it was a great year for me, I know that. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life, and I didn't really care. I had a girlfriend, great friends, wrestling, and I began to care less about school and not stress myself out about it. I got a 300 pound bench press at 16. I had the best day of my life to this point, and so many other memories relating to that. I learned to drive, and my friends starting driving...so we branched out. There were the cones, and the contest. There was Sarah's front porch. Everything was pure, innocent and good...even the things that weren't supposed to be. Like the first time we got drunk over at Jason's. There was a first for pretty much everything that year, come to think of it. Most importantly, it was the first year I really felt good about being me, Robbie Skaggs, and no one else. I didn't want to be anyone else, not even Michael Jordan. Well, maybe Michael Jordan....(For CT)
Sometimes I wish that those things could happen again. But at the same time, because they can't, the memories are perfect and set in stone. I guess the only thing permanent in our lives is the events that have already occurred. The past does not change. It's probably for the best anyway, if I were me right now having to live those days...there couldn't have ever been a 5/19, or countless other things that I wouldn't have allowed myself to enjoy and just not worry about. It has been said that youth is wasted on the young, but that is the furthest thing from the truth in my mind. The reason youth is good is because young people haven't been fucked in the head by years and years of monotonous life and stressing about unimportant shit.
Life after high school is the reason that people fondly remember their high school days. It wasn't that they were ridiculously happy in high school, they surely had good days and bad days just like everyone else. It's just that the perception of events is so different. But I'm not talking about being fond of high school. I'm glad I stopped caring about it when I did, and my life right now is better by leaps and bounds than when I was a senior in high school. But not from when I was 16. I don't think it even has the capacity to be right now, and I think I'm ok with that. It's not like I really have a choice in the matter.
Notes from a Computer Chair, 04/28/04:
Excessive consciousness is not considered either a disease by the American Medical Association or classified as a mental disorder in the DSM. In fact, it is looked on as a mark of intelligence and reasoning. But at a certain point, it becomes indecent, and even makes one miserable. Working, no matter how menial or unimportant the job to me or anyone else, is a temporary relief from this consciousness.
(I should note here it isn't to impress anyone or prove my intellect that I am writing this, nor to gain any measure of sympathy for some imagined affliction. I am long past either of these intentions, though both have been principle issues in past writings. This is simply to clear up confusion, though I am not diluted into believing anyone will understand or care what I am writing or what I am proving.)
In fact, I care nothing for work, or for money. I do not derive any particular satisfaction from working like I'm told people do. I have saved money for years for no real reason, and recently spent some of it for still no particular reason.
I lied just then, about all of it. I don't wish to delete it, for I still wish the idea to be present. I have no reason to lie, for there is nothing to gain from it except having to continue lie in the future. This has always been the case, as I have continually had to lie to cover up even the smallest transgression in the past, causing compounding interest on the principle effect until the act or actions become mythical and gigantic. Yet if I could go back to the beginnings of any such lie and immediately admit the truth, causing waves of pain and suffering in the future to be stemmed, I know full well that I would not. But back to the lie.
I worked and saved money, despite not valuing either in the least, in the interest of impressing others. Then, when I had demonstrated to these others that I could work hard and save money, I had no use for saving or working any further. Still, I was involved in a continual process that I did not feel the energy or need to stop. And I decided then that I wanted to show all these others that I could also lavish myself in relative luxury while still working and saving money. But I cared nothing personally for the luxury, nor felt any differently about myself upon the acquisition of said material items. Still, I felt that I must have more, and continually top myself to the point of becoming a bromide. One can make a bromide of one's life and still feel rather proud and accomplished in this, despite the accompanying feeling of self-loathing for making one's life a bromide. But the point of this diatribe is that one can make his life something other than it would otherwise be through his own devices, sometimes fooling himself to believe he wishes it to be so. When really, he only wishes to run from his own insecurities and consciousness, making his life a symbol of everything he does not believe in nor has no interest in believing or disbelieving. And why? Contempt. Contempt for everything he knows himself to be, and also not to be. Contempt for everyone who ever told him what to be, how to think, how to feel, or how to view the world. He would make himself a beacon, radiating to those he feels the deepest contempt for that he has no use for anything of theirs, knowing full well that by doing so he is justifying everything they ever did or did not do towards him.
"In five years, I thought, this will seem as silly as all the other fine philosophies I've had." 07/13/05
What is one really to expect from a species as flighty and deplorable in nature as man? Man's primal instincts are for personal survival and that alone. Why then, would anyone want to do something for any of these other creatures unless it was in his best interest as well? But of course, for innane human inventions such as friendship, charity, kindness, and the like. I tell you now my friends, such devices were made to prey on the weak minded and the foolish.
Life, at its very essence, is about gaining advantage. Strengthening your chances for survival (and thus increasing chances to thrive) are at the very core of being. It is then not only foolish but also counterproductive in nature to be charitable or even kind to another, who is competing with you for the same air, food, and every other amenity.
Society was created in the beginning to increase the collective chance of man's survival. Common defense was surely at the top of the list, but also co-habitation and insurance against starvation. But out of these societies, which had to be the only time in history all men were close to equal, there came kings, nobility, the clergy class...how did this happen?
Notions of morality, respect for fellow man, reverence for God, notions of common or natural law...all are systems of control of people by society. And the very smart, or at least those that influenced the very strong, recognized these in the very beginning as ways of attaining power over other men. This increased the chances of fulfilling their primal need for survival, which elevated them to attempting to thrive while others happily struggled to survive within this society. Buying into this society gave them reason for the struggle, which filled them in turn with purpose and meaning. Thus, the most Machaivellian people were able to make the system work for them, will the common man was quite happy contributing to the greater good. This is neither a grandiose conspiracy theory or indictment of human society. I am only making a point.
Man has been told by society to go against his nature more often than not. But why then would these urges, these strong feelings of man have existed in the first place? I am not even discussing notions of God and the like, because if God created us with these tendencies one would have to assume (aside from ideals of original sin and other such nonsense) that they were correct and good. I will assume no such thing, but I will not assume either that human nature is bad. I believe it is just that, and nothing more. The important thing is recognizing that fundamentally, at their core, people are not moral, not altruistic, and not in the least bit interested in your well being if it costs them a nickel of sweat or puts them at even the slightest disadvantage. People will act against this nature, probably more often than not (if to use a poker reference, the pot odds are acceptable) because of societal notions of friendship, charity, kindness.....and the like. That doesn't change the nature.
So what can be expected of man? In essence, he will act in his own self interest. If you expect differently, you are either naive or you are making wrong assumptions based on what you would like to be true. Furthermore, it is foolish if you have given up even the slightest bit of your own advantage to help or even prevent the destruction of one of these creatures, who surely has no interest in doing the same for you unless goaded into it by guilt or potential glory.
For so long, I've been trying to believe Rand. That human potential is boundless, that man is the greatest of creations and controlled "selfishness" (better to use individualism, but her words) can make for a successful and fulfilling life. It is perhaps an exception, but it is not the rule. In my estimation, Dostoyevsky was right. All society is man trying to excuse or hide his nature. The ant is much more honorable than man, if human applications are relevant to ants and ant nature.
I don't wish to believe any of this. I've fought to refute any part, if only to find a technicality to tear it all down. I cannot. This day I have given up on human nature and human possibility. We are instead at war with ourselves, every day, to flee from our nature. Man was built to run; most especially from himself. The ability to excuse this in other men is advantageous. Paramount is the ability to excuse this within oneself.
I have said nothing of any merit. I hope that I have not influenced anyone to think of themselves or other people any differently, as this rant is foolish, ill conceived, and altogether a waste of time. Feel free to poke fun, lash out violently, or not respond in the slightest. I care not regardless. I have my underground.
06/03/09:
Upon further consideration, my past selves won some battles and lost others. There is a cost of course to every success. In order to get the superficial things I desired for myself, I had to assimilate to work and make money in the bounds of society. I got a job I enjoy and one that fits my interest, but of course the 2002 me would have seen that as selling out and becoming exactly like my father, or at least doing what my father would have wanted for me. In one of the posts that didn't have enough substance to merit re-posting but also from 2002 I noted that I didn't want to make changes to myself to suit others, but rather wanted others to like me for me. But of course I did make changes because that is the world we live in. I decided it was necessary to lose weight, get eye surgery, wear nicer clothes etc. so girls I was attracted to would want to date me. This was successful in that I needed conditioning for my job, and I did meet girls the 2002 me would not have. But ultimately I found a girl who may have accepted me anyway. We'll never know but I like to think that's true. Once I was on the job I gave into the temptation to work overtime to make money, in order to have a house, a better collection, and any number of considerations that were important to me. That decision had a cost as well: the first meaningful relationship post high-school crumbled under the pressure of that cycle and the next time around I had to make choices and find a better balance.
Still none of this addresses the anger and anxiety that have been such a part of this stretch of my life. I've determined that who I'm trying to prove wrong is mostly a universal "they" who said my path wouldn't succeed. More recently there have been decisions like getting and fixing my house, dating Holly, and the like that have drawn a different brand of criticism. I am proud and I own my choices. Friend or otherwise, if you aren't on board with whatever it is I'm doing then you are part of "they." People in society live in an inter-connected world where your business tends to be that of other people, increasingly so in the era of constant person to person messaging, facebook/myspace/twitter and the like. 2002 me would have preferred to be left to his own devices and not have his decisions even noticed by other people. But that was never possible, and 2005 me realized that and started to make due with the reality of who and what people really are. I still believe that, in fact I live it even moreso now in my job and daily encounters. People aren't good or bad, they just are; I'm no exception.
But back to the sources of the anger: I have always had a massive contradiction in myself that wants privacy but tells other people his business. Even now that is the case, though I have been more selectively private since it's become an issue with my job. I still do things to impress other people, though now it's different. I won't clean the dishes from the sink or put the cats up for Adam, CT and Matt to come over, but Holly's cousins? Or a Contractor coming to bid on windows? The house had better be spotless and every loose end tied. I constantly take pictures of my collection to post on the appropriate newsboards, and I will make a comment on my post if someone else has bumped it from the front page. These are just examples that I obviously am trying to compensate for the fact that I work at a job that is not as prestigious as some of my contemporaries, I live in a neighborhood that wouldn't be my first or even fifth choice, and I still picture myself as that same 18 year old with the same insecurities more often than the 2006-current me who has conquered obstacles and burned down bridges to the past that hampered moving forward.
I think what upsets me most is that I was so wrong then. I thought I could do things differently than the ones who preceded me, to not compromise. I see Matt now, tearing everything he built the last 4 or 5 years down and starting over because he knew he couldn't get that 10 percent of life he was after going down the track he was on. Yeah he is struggling some and there are growing pains, but he is working towards what he wants. That is 2002 me in a nutshell. He would have rather been behind the curve in achievement to be ahead in happiness. The me that replaced him finds that irresponsible and even tried to talk him out of quitting his construction job. For Matt, I was for that time a "they." The anger exists because I was not born to be a second-hander, or at least I didn't imagine myself as one at 18.
What I'm still finding out is how to live in a world where compromises are necessary to have success, and struggling is inevitable if one doesn't buy in. What I have accomplished is buying in lightly, effectively acquiring "maximum results with minimal effort" like my senior yearbook quote suggested. I'm certainly not willing to suffer a great deal to achieve any more material goods I don't need, nor would I be at all willing to tear it all down and start over even if there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. My nature is not to search for the "what-if" but rather the "and then...", finding a level of homeostasis and stability. Of course like everyone else I find things to keep me moving forward or else I would have to deal with the reality of standing still and having nowhere particular to go, except the inevitable. My life has not been the kind of sweeping narrative one would write a novel about, nor am I a character who could make the reader empathize. The anger...comes from the fact that I thought I would be, or at least could be. Jason said 9 years ago that we were all just a speck of a speck of a speck, and that if we could open the history books in the future we would find out we're not in them. But you don't believe that at 17, it's not even in your DNA that it's possible that you will be a regular, every day person. That's for those other people, you are special. I may have had great success following the path I chose and be on a great track for the future, but I'm pretty sure no one is making measurements for my statue or plaque for a hall of fame of whatever. My life, despite my best intentions in 2002, has turned out rather ordinary. I can take solace in that fact and mourn it at the same time. If nothing else, I will always have a record for better or worse of what I envisioned for myself at 18. And I have the me that I made for myself at 21 and after to live in the real world, who will hopefully one day learn to deal better with contempt and bitterness. Life is too short to hold grudges towards "them" and be angry all the time.
I can't say whether this is a one time writing for a purpose or the beginning of a new chapter in self-exploration now that I have some time and matters to discuss that haven't been talked to death. But regardless I'm glad I looked a little at my past and also where I'm going. Thanks for reading if anyone did, RS
We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns 10/25/02
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? It's not sadness, anger, or any other negative connotation. For those things, there is a rational reason to be sad/angry etc.. and thus an upside that will bring everything back into balance once the hurting stops. No, the worst feeling in the world isn't so much a feeling at all really. It's emptiness. It's not feeling anything positive or negative, and not even responding to the things that should be positive or negative. It's feeling like everything you do is a complete waste, and that all of your potential is slipping away. It's waking up in the morning and not having anything particular to do, not minding that you don't have anything to do, and not wanting to make the effort to find something to do. It's being bored with everything, and not finding purpose in the things that you can normally at least pretend to care about. How does one get to that point, exactly? Perhaps it could come from years of trying to live up to the expectations other people have for you, doing your best to believe that those things are what you really want out of life, and seeing those dreams fall apart piece by piece without being able to stop them. Perhaps its coming to the realization that your life is a foregone conclusion, and something that you have only minimal control over. Or maybe all of it is bullshit, it's really all in your head, and things aren't as pointless and drawn out as you think. But anyway you look at it, you can't shake the cloud that's kind of taken hold of you. You used to find meaning in school, and you did well. The same went for basketball, and you excelled. You got a girlfriend, you found a great set of friends, and you had the perfect life. There was no worry about money, and no need to think about the future. You were going to be a doctor, because that's what your father wanted you to be, and you were sure it would be fine. You were going to be a high school basketball player, because that's what all of your coaches, your dad, and your uncle said you would be. You didn't have a worry in the world. But then, everything changed. You had the divorce, then the sickness, and you lost basketball. But you still had your friends, school was still important, you found a new sport, and you found the girl of your dreams. Things weren't like you thought they would be, but they weren't bad. But then, things changed. You lost the girl, you stopped caring about school, and soon enough you lost the sport. You had your friends, of course, they would always be there. But all of a sudden, people were dissapointed in you, even if they wouldn't always tell you so. You got messed up in some things you shouldn't have involved yourself in, and things began to spin out of your control. But you somehow pulled it all together at the end, and you had a nice week of people telling you how proud they were of your accomplishments, and how bright your future was. But when that was over, you looked back on your so-called accomplishments, and realized that they meant nothing to you, no matter how much you wanted them to, and you realized that those accomplishments guaranteed you absolutely nothing in the real world. So you got yourself a new job, a nice new vehicle, and you got ready to embark on the adventure that they call real life. But after two weeks in college, you knew that you wanted out. And then, it kind of hit you. You hadn't followed your dreams and realized any of your goals because you hadn't had any for years. Even then, were they really your goals? You were going to be a high school basketball star, #1 in your class with a 4.0 GPA, get a 30 on the ACT and get a full ride to college, bench press 400 lbs in high school, and date a beautiful, smart girl steady through high school and college and then get married, have 2 kids and a nice house, which you could afford on your doctor's salary, and live a long, happy, healthy life. But then, you woke up on a Tuesday in mid-September of your freshman year in college, and realized none of that, even the stuff that was still possible, was ever going to happen. And it hit you with a pain so sharp that you couldn't even move. You woke up to an empty house, petted your dog like you might any other morning, and made yourself a fresh pot of coffee. You drank that coffee, the entire pot, and you thought about what could have went wrong. And you thought about your mother and father, you thought about the divorce, you thought about Coach Curley and freshman basketball, you thought about the damn doctor's, you thought about Melanie Brown, you thought about Coach Martin, and you thought about your grandfather all at the same time. You thought of everything and nothing, and decided against thinking anymore. You skipped school and went back to sleep, woke up and went to work, and everything went on just the same as before. Only you weren't the same. It was like something overloaded your system, and you had lost all motivation along with lack of motivation. You just existed, without being positive or negative. You went along like that for the rest of the night, came home and went to sleep, and you woke up feeling better. You felt like writing music again, you felt like seeing your friends, and you felt like going to work. Everything went back to normal. But that void, the emptiness that you felt that day, it was always lingering. But things were fine, you went on with your life and work, but it seemed as if everyday, the emptiness grew and expanded, if such a thing is possible. But you couldn't discuss it with anyone, because no one would possibly understand. You had a birthday, you turned 19, and you decided that you needed to address this growing emptiness, so you did an inventory of sorts. At 19, you had $9,000 to your name, a pretty nice truck, you were enrolled in college with free tuition, had a well-paying job and a thriving business. You had a good group of friends, you had many females that you could go places with and talk to, you weren't in a relationship but you knew that there was time for that, and you couldn't think of anything that you were really wanting for. And, of course, that was it. That was the reason for the emptiness. You realized that everything was there for you already, and all you had to do was go through a mundane 4 years, get a piece of paper that said you could do a job, and go on about building a secure future. You suddenly remembered being 13 years old and reading Catcher in the Rye. Not that anyone should read Catcher in the Rye at 13, but you did. And you were startled that someone could just go off on their own, do the things they wanted to do, say the things they wanted to say, and be totally free of any authority. You decided then, for a brief moment, that you wanted to be Holden Caufield. Not because Holden Caufield was a particularly good person or had a great life, but because he was unlike anyone you had ever read about. You wanted to be something different, someone that could live outside the lines and do the things that you wanted to do without having to answer to anyone. But you forgot that over the years, things happened, and you let other people control your life. You were shaped into what they wanted you to be, and you never gave much thought about what you wanted because they never taught you to think about such things. The first decision you were ever supposed to make for yourself was college, and that was only which school to go to, not whether or not to go. And you thought about it, and you felt that you should be angry that you never had control of your own destiny. But instead, you only felt relieved. You were relieved that you had realized what caused the emptiness, and you could start taking steps to eradicate the void. And that day, you began with a clean slate in your own mind. Of course, you were still the same in everyone else's mind. Your past hadn't changed a bit, and the expectations that others had for you remained the same. But you were now better prepared to deal with those expectations, and you were ready to begin formulating your own goals and dreams, your own. You went to sleep that night better than you had in years, it seemed. You woke up to the same world, with the same bullshit and the same people living in other people's dreams, but you felt a sense of accomplishment that you had come to terms with all the things that had been literally eating you up inside for years. It took a lot to feel again, but perhaps the emptiness was the best thing for you in the long run. Only time, lots of time, will tell.
FOLLOWUP-12/12/02:
I spent years of my life searching for my purpose, for my place in everything. It frustrated me to no end, and I was beginning to think that I would never find my reason for being. It was only recently, through much contemplation and searching, that I found that I am my own purpose and my own reason. This was not an easy conclusion to come by.
All of the things I heard from kindergarten on never lead me to believe this. I was taught that everyone was equal in God’s eyes, that all people deserve to be treated equally, and that we need people to function. No man is an island unto himself. I heard that, and I believed it. I believed it was my social responsibility to do service, to help people, to donate money. At the same time, I didn’t say anyone standing in line to help me or give me money, but I didn’t question it for a minute. Early on I decided I was going to get married and have two kids, live in the perfect house, and generally live the American dream. It was what I was told to want, what I had learned to want...but I don’t think I ever truly wanted it. I know now that it was never what I really wanted, and I don’t intend to force it on myself.
I saw the sacrifices my dad made for me, and I desired to make them worthwhile. I did the things I was supposed to do to make him proud of me. I never asked why, because it wasn’t necessary to do so. I never even wondered what I was going to do with my life. The only thing of importance was being successful in his eyes. It was only recently that I decided that I needed to begin doing things for myself.
I read certain books, considered certain things, and decided how I wanted to live my life. I was told that this was the first step to true happiness, and I am inclined to believe it. I didn’t give a thought to what I wanted to be, or how I was going to support myself. I only considered how I wanted to view myself. I decided that I was going to become a person that I could respect, someone that I could love. I didn’t give a thought to how other people might perceive me. I realized that I didn’t want my life to be just another sequel of my father’s life, my grandfather’s life, and the lives of many generations before them. I want to live to make myself happy, not to dedicate my life to some career or even a family. If an opportunity comes for a career, I will only take it if it will enhance my life in some way instead of making my life revolve around it. I do not wish to be defined by my career. My father is a policeman, not a man that does police work for a living. There is a major difference.
I don’t wish to be married simply to procreate. If procreation were my only desire, I would find the most suitable mother and arrange the transfer of semen. I would have no relationship with this woman, but I would support my children. Thus, my children would be provided for financially and nurtured, which don’t always go hand in hand. If I should have the opportunity to be married, it must be with the perfect woman. By that, I don’t mean the most attractive or the richest. I want the one that I can trust more than anyone, that I can talk to about anything, that will understand me, that shares at least some common interests and goals, someone who doesn’t want to marry me just so that I can support them, and someone that would be an excellent mother to any children that we may have. All of these things are important, and must not be compromised. I must never settle for less, because doing so would be wasting the chance to have a happy, satisfying marriage. A marriage must only enhance my life, not burden me with unneeded stress and unhappiness.
Having children should be much the same. I will not have children simply so that I can give my life over to them. Such would be putting my life on hold. I would like to provide my children with the best possible things to a certain extent. My children will never want for food, shelter, clothing, or suitable toys, as these things are all important in the development of a child. They will have both learning materials and athletic equipment, and will be pushed towards neither. There will never be any expectation of them to be a success in school. If they love to learn, then they will do so of their own accord. If they are inclined to learn and need my help for any reason, then I will avail myself to them. Likewise, if they are to pick up a basketball and have the desire to learn, then I will present them basketball to the best of my abilities. They will never be disciplined for being selfish and not sharing, nor will they be expected to play with others if they choose not to. Religion of any kind will not be forced upon them. If they should find interest in religion at some point, then religion will be taught to them to the best of my ability and understanding. I will never be disappointed with them for not living up to their full potential, because there can be no such thing as potential without expectation. Nor will I allow any outside forces to place expectations upon them. If they turn out to not be particularly gifted, or to not be driven towards any great goal, I will not feel that I have failed them. If they turn out to be wonderful, unique people that are very successful and happy, I will not feel responsible either. It will be of their own accord that they find the happiness and success. They will owe me nothing, and I will expect nothing from them. If they associate with me past the time when it is necessary for their survival to do so, it will be because they want to. I will determine my success as a parent based on the sense of self that my children develop. I do not intend to raise more people to populate the planet that are of no consequence to it. Being themselves, at any rate and at any cost, will be the only thing that I ever ask of them.
I intend to live a happy life. I know that there will be things such as bills, but I do not wish to consider them any more than necessary. If there is anything that I really want, I intend to have it, without the consideration of money or practicality. At the same time, I do not intend to buy things just because I have money. I intend to live within my means and to never spend money for the sake of impressing other people. I will have a fine, comfortable home, and I will own it. I will decorate it as I please, for it will be my place of sanctuary. My friends will always be welcome at my home. There will no room there for people that I wish not to associate with. Whether I am rich, poor, or somewhere in between, the house will be the symbol for my life. It will be the motivation for me to work. The things that I have will be the reason for my work, I will not work to get more and more things. I intend on living comfortably. Money will not be tight, nor will it be abundant. There will be enough to have the things that I want and the things that I need, and there will not be a great deal of excess.
I do not plan to be a religious person. Should religion appeal to me one day, perhaps I will give it more consideration. I do not plan to be charitable, as I believe that everyone should work for exactly what they have. Education will never be important to me. However, that does not mean I will never again attend school. I plan on keeping it in its proper perspective, and not basing my success as a person on my academic achievements. Work will be a means to an end, and I will keep work in its proper perspective as well. Should I have a successful career, I will not let it define me as a person. If I am to be married, then I will not compromise myself to do so. Marriage should enhance my life, not hamper it. Should I ever have children, they will be precious to me, but they will not become my reason for being. I must always be my own reason for being. The day that I stop living for myself is the day that my life is over.
You know things come and go in life, and people are always changing... 09-02/03
Is there anything in our lives that is really permanent? One of my favorite lyrics is the title here. It's not even an abstract thought on the surface, but when you really examine it...its a tough thing to think about. Maybe everything that you knew for a fact to be true at 16, and the things that mattered most to you...you find to not only not be true, but are not even present as a thought anymore at 20. If you view time as a succession and age as a learning process, it doesn't really matter what you believe at 16, because you will know much more and be better informed at 20. Then again at 25. Then again at 30. So it goes. So, why believe anything? Why make decisions and choices now? Why fall in love?
The answer is because we have to live every minute, or at least every day in our lives. We can't understand what we will know at 20 when we are 16, no more than at 20 can we comprehend what we could possibly know and understand at 25, 30, etc.I don't know any man that can see the future. I'm not even sure that I would want to see the future if I could. I might like to know that everything will work out ok...but if I knew that everything would turn out fine I probably wouldn't strive to live every day and make myself a better human being. I would simply be content in the knowledge that I would be fine and my fate was certain. Or worse. What if I were to see the future down the line and find out that I wasn't in it? Or that someone I love wasn't in it...and of course that can be expected. Or if you could see that your friends had made bad mistakes and messed up their lives, or if the girl you wanted to marry was with someone else...and you couldn't do anything about it?
Dan had a very interesting theory of time, I wish I could remember how to explain it. It is 1970, but also 2030 and 500 BC. I am alive now, I am alive in 1987 as a 4 year old, and God-willing in 2033 at 50...all at the same time. But everyone in everyone of those times is absolutely oblivious to every one of the times that come after and can only vaguely recall the ones before in chronology, which is only something that we comprehend, not an instrument of time itself. Chronology is an abstract to make our minds assimilate to this.
I don't know if that makes any sense, and I'm pretty sure it isn't true. But what I can't possibly understand is why we can't simply decide on one fate, one group of friends, one person to love, and one career to pursue at some defined age and never have to think about it again because it will all work out how you want it to. Maybe what I'm talking about is a world in which no one really ever lives their lives...they simply exist. I just don't know what's wrong with keeping the mindset from 16 and sticking with it if thats what makes you happy and it works for you. Why do 17, 18 and fucking 19 have to skew that vision to the point where you can't remember exactly what you wanted and why, even if you knew you had it figured out then and you were happy. Fuck growing up, fuck maturity, fuck learning and growing as a person. I think I've done plenty of those things, and I only wish I could regress back to that point now. And thank you very much Jason for making me think about all that, though you had no control over that whatsoever.
I don't know where this nostalgia for the year 2000 has come from lately. I mean, it was a great year for me, I know that. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life, and I didn't really care. I had a girlfriend, great friends, wrestling, and I began to care less about school and not stress myself out about it. I got a 300 pound bench press at 16. I had the best day of my life to this point, and so many other memories relating to that. I learned to drive, and my friends starting driving...so we branched out. There were the cones, and the contest. There was Sarah's front porch. Everything was pure, innocent and good...even the things that weren't supposed to be. Like the first time we got drunk over at Jason's. There was a first for pretty much everything that year, come to think of it. Most importantly, it was the first year I really felt good about being me, Robbie Skaggs, and no one else. I didn't want to be anyone else, not even Michael Jordan. Well, maybe Michael Jordan....(For CT)
Sometimes I wish that those things could happen again. But at the same time, because they can't, the memories are perfect and set in stone. I guess the only thing permanent in our lives is the events that have already occurred. The past does not change. It's probably for the best anyway, if I were me right now having to live those days...there couldn't have ever been a 5/19, or countless other things that I wouldn't have allowed myself to enjoy and just not worry about. It has been said that youth is wasted on the young, but that is the furthest thing from the truth in my mind. The reason youth is good is because young people haven't been fucked in the head by years and years of monotonous life and stressing about unimportant shit.
Life after high school is the reason that people fondly remember their high school days. It wasn't that they were ridiculously happy in high school, they surely had good days and bad days just like everyone else. It's just that the perception of events is so different. But I'm not talking about being fond of high school. I'm glad I stopped caring about it when I did, and my life right now is better by leaps and bounds than when I was a senior in high school. But not from when I was 16. I don't think it even has the capacity to be right now, and I think I'm ok with that. It's not like I really have a choice in the matter.
Notes from a Computer Chair, 04/28/04:
Excessive consciousness is not considered either a disease by the American Medical Association or classified as a mental disorder in the DSM. In fact, it is looked on as a mark of intelligence and reasoning. But at a certain point, it becomes indecent, and even makes one miserable. Working, no matter how menial or unimportant the job to me or anyone else, is a temporary relief from this consciousness.
(I should note here it isn't to impress anyone or prove my intellect that I am writing this, nor to gain any measure of sympathy for some imagined affliction. I am long past either of these intentions, though both have been principle issues in past writings. This is simply to clear up confusion, though I am not diluted into believing anyone will understand or care what I am writing or what I am proving.)
In fact, I care nothing for work, or for money. I do not derive any particular satisfaction from working like I'm told people do. I have saved money for years for no real reason, and recently spent some of it for still no particular reason.
I lied just then, about all of it. I don't wish to delete it, for I still wish the idea to be present. I have no reason to lie, for there is nothing to gain from it except having to continue lie in the future. This has always been the case, as I have continually had to lie to cover up even the smallest transgression in the past, causing compounding interest on the principle effect until the act or actions become mythical and gigantic. Yet if I could go back to the beginnings of any such lie and immediately admit the truth, causing waves of pain and suffering in the future to be stemmed, I know full well that I would not. But back to the lie.
I worked and saved money, despite not valuing either in the least, in the interest of impressing others. Then, when I had demonstrated to these others that I could work hard and save money, I had no use for saving or working any further. Still, I was involved in a continual process that I did not feel the energy or need to stop. And I decided then that I wanted to show all these others that I could also lavish myself in relative luxury while still working and saving money. But I cared nothing personally for the luxury, nor felt any differently about myself upon the acquisition of said material items. Still, I felt that I must have more, and continually top myself to the point of becoming a bromide. One can make a bromide of one's life and still feel rather proud and accomplished in this, despite the accompanying feeling of self-loathing for making one's life a bromide. But the point of this diatribe is that one can make his life something other than it would otherwise be through his own devices, sometimes fooling himself to believe he wishes it to be so. When really, he only wishes to run from his own insecurities and consciousness, making his life a symbol of everything he does not believe in nor has no interest in believing or disbelieving. And why? Contempt. Contempt for everything he knows himself to be, and also not to be. Contempt for everyone who ever told him what to be, how to think, how to feel, or how to view the world. He would make himself a beacon, radiating to those he feels the deepest contempt for that he has no use for anything of theirs, knowing full well that by doing so he is justifying everything they ever did or did not do towards him.
"In five years, I thought, this will seem as silly as all the other fine philosophies I've had." 07/13/05
What is one really to expect from a species as flighty and deplorable in nature as man? Man's primal instincts are for personal survival and that alone. Why then, would anyone want to do something for any of these other creatures unless it was in his best interest as well? But of course, for innane human inventions such as friendship, charity, kindness, and the like. I tell you now my friends, such devices were made to prey on the weak minded and the foolish.
Life, at its very essence, is about gaining advantage. Strengthening your chances for survival (and thus increasing chances to thrive) are at the very core of being. It is then not only foolish but also counterproductive in nature to be charitable or even kind to another, who is competing with you for the same air, food, and every other amenity.
Society was created in the beginning to increase the collective chance of man's survival. Common defense was surely at the top of the list, but also co-habitation and insurance against starvation. But out of these societies, which had to be the only time in history all men were close to equal, there came kings, nobility, the clergy class...how did this happen?
Notions of morality, respect for fellow man, reverence for God, notions of common or natural law...all are systems of control of people by society. And the very smart, or at least those that influenced the very strong, recognized these in the very beginning as ways of attaining power over other men. This increased the chances of fulfilling their primal need for survival, which elevated them to attempting to thrive while others happily struggled to survive within this society. Buying into this society gave them reason for the struggle, which filled them in turn with purpose and meaning. Thus, the most Machaivellian people were able to make the system work for them, will the common man was quite happy contributing to the greater good. This is neither a grandiose conspiracy theory or indictment of human society. I am only making a point.
Man has been told by society to go against his nature more often than not. But why then would these urges, these strong feelings of man have existed in the first place? I am not even discussing notions of God and the like, because if God created us with these tendencies one would have to assume (aside from ideals of original sin and other such nonsense) that they were correct and good. I will assume no such thing, but I will not assume either that human nature is bad. I believe it is just that, and nothing more. The important thing is recognizing that fundamentally, at their core, people are not moral, not altruistic, and not in the least bit interested in your well being if it costs them a nickel of sweat or puts them at even the slightest disadvantage. People will act against this nature, probably more often than not (if to use a poker reference, the pot odds are acceptable) because of societal notions of friendship, charity, kindness.....and the like. That doesn't change the nature.
So what can be expected of man? In essence, he will act in his own self interest. If you expect differently, you are either naive or you are making wrong assumptions based on what you would like to be true. Furthermore, it is foolish if you have given up even the slightest bit of your own advantage to help or even prevent the destruction of one of these creatures, who surely has no interest in doing the same for you unless goaded into it by guilt or potential glory.
For so long, I've been trying to believe Rand. That human potential is boundless, that man is the greatest of creations and controlled "selfishness" (better to use individualism, but her words) can make for a successful and fulfilling life. It is perhaps an exception, but it is not the rule. In my estimation, Dostoyevsky was right. All society is man trying to excuse or hide his nature. The ant is much more honorable than man, if human applications are relevant to ants and ant nature.
I don't wish to believe any of this. I've fought to refute any part, if only to find a technicality to tear it all down. I cannot. This day I have given up on human nature and human possibility. We are instead at war with ourselves, every day, to flee from our nature. Man was built to run; most especially from himself. The ability to excuse this in other men is advantageous. Paramount is the ability to excuse this within oneself.
I have said nothing of any merit. I hope that I have not influenced anyone to think of themselves or other people any differently, as this rant is foolish, ill conceived, and altogether a waste of time. Feel free to poke fun, lash out violently, or not respond in the slightest. I care not regardless. I have my underground.
06/03/09:
Upon further consideration, my past selves won some battles and lost others. There is a cost of course to every success. In order to get the superficial things I desired for myself, I had to assimilate to work and make money in the bounds of society. I got a job I enjoy and one that fits my interest, but of course the 2002 me would have seen that as selling out and becoming exactly like my father, or at least doing what my father would have wanted for me. In one of the posts that didn't have enough substance to merit re-posting but also from 2002 I noted that I didn't want to make changes to myself to suit others, but rather wanted others to like me for me. But of course I did make changes because that is the world we live in. I decided it was necessary to lose weight, get eye surgery, wear nicer clothes etc. so girls I was attracted to would want to date me. This was successful in that I needed conditioning for my job, and I did meet girls the 2002 me would not have. But ultimately I found a girl who may have accepted me anyway. We'll never know but I like to think that's true. Once I was on the job I gave into the temptation to work overtime to make money, in order to have a house, a better collection, and any number of considerations that were important to me. That decision had a cost as well: the first meaningful relationship post high-school crumbled under the pressure of that cycle and the next time around I had to make choices and find a better balance.
Still none of this addresses the anger and anxiety that have been such a part of this stretch of my life. I've determined that who I'm trying to prove wrong is mostly a universal "they" who said my path wouldn't succeed. More recently there have been decisions like getting and fixing my house, dating Holly, and the like that have drawn a different brand of criticism. I am proud and I own my choices. Friend or otherwise, if you aren't on board with whatever it is I'm doing then you are part of "they." People in society live in an inter-connected world where your business tends to be that of other people, increasingly so in the era of constant person to person messaging, facebook/myspace/twitter and the like. 2002 me would have preferred to be left to his own devices and not have his decisions even noticed by other people. But that was never possible, and 2005 me realized that and started to make due with the reality of who and what people really are. I still believe that, in fact I live it even moreso now in my job and daily encounters. People aren't good or bad, they just are; I'm no exception.
But back to the sources of the anger: I have always had a massive contradiction in myself that wants privacy but tells other people his business. Even now that is the case, though I have been more selectively private since it's become an issue with my job. I still do things to impress other people, though now it's different. I won't clean the dishes from the sink or put the cats up for Adam, CT and Matt to come over, but Holly's cousins? Or a Contractor coming to bid on windows? The house had better be spotless and every loose end tied. I constantly take pictures of my collection to post on the appropriate newsboards, and I will make a comment on my post if someone else has bumped it from the front page. These are just examples that I obviously am trying to compensate for the fact that I work at a job that is not as prestigious as some of my contemporaries, I live in a neighborhood that wouldn't be my first or even fifth choice, and I still picture myself as that same 18 year old with the same insecurities more often than the 2006-current me who has conquered obstacles and burned down bridges to the past that hampered moving forward.
I think what upsets me most is that I was so wrong then. I thought I could do things differently than the ones who preceded me, to not compromise. I see Matt now, tearing everything he built the last 4 or 5 years down and starting over because he knew he couldn't get that 10 percent of life he was after going down the track he was on. Yeah he is struggling some and there are growing pains, but he is working towards what he wants. That is 2002 me in a nutshell. He would have rather been behind the curve in achievement to be ahead in happiness. The me that replaced him finds that irresponsible and even tried to talk him out of quitting his construction job. For Matt, I was for that time a "they." The anger exists because I was not born to be a second-hander, or at least I didn't imagine myself as one at 18.
What I'm still finding out is how to live in a world where compromises are necessary to have success, and struggling is inevitable if one doesn't buy in. What I have accomplished is buying in lightly, effectively acquiring "maximum results with minimal effort" like my senior yearbook quote suggested. I'm certainly not willing to suffer a great deal to achieve any more material goods I don't need, nor would I be at all willing to tear it all down and start over even if there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. My nature is not to search for the "what-if" but rather the "and then...", finding a level of homeostasis and stability. Of course like everyone else I find things to keep me moving forward or else I would have to deal with the reality of standing still and having nowhere particular to go, except the inevitable. My life has not been the kind of sweeping narrative one would write a novel about, nor am I a character who could make the reader empathize. The anger...comes from the fact that I thought I would be, or at least could be. Jason said 9 years ago that we were all just a speck of a speck of a speck, and that if we could open the history books in the future we would find out we're not in them. But you don't believe that at 17, it's not even in your DNA that it's possible that you will be a regular, every day person. That's for those other people, you are special. I may have had great success following the path I chose and be on a great track for the future, but I'm pretty sure no one is making measurements for my statue or plaque for a hall of fame of whatever. My life, despite my best intentions in 2002, has turned out rather ordinary. I can take solace in that fact and mourn it at the same time. If nothing else, I will always have a record for better or worse of what I envisioned for myself at 18. And I have the me that I made for myself at 21 and after to live in the real world, who will hopefully one day learn to deal better with contempt and bitterness. Life is too short to hold grudges towards "them" and be angry all the time.
I can't say whether this is a one time writing for a purpose or the beginning of a new chapter in self-exploration now that I have some time and matters to discuss that haven't been talked to death. But regardless I'm glad I looked a little at my past and also where I'm going. Thanks for reading if anyone did, RS