i was a key that could use a little turning
i had a trainwreck for a day and hardly got off the couch. I guess it wasn't as bad as i'm makin it sound, especially because i'm over "it" now, and a lot more complacent. "it" was a lot, and that's why i'm here.
"it" basically comes down to me being 'not-that-girl'. I don't know how to be a girlfriend and the unwritten obligations that go with that role. My life has never centered around a boyfriend and i don't know how to compromise anything. I don't know how to do the holidays. I don't know how to meet the best friends that I haven't already met, and everything that comes with the fact that they've known him his whole life. i don't know how to come over to his 'real' house . am i afraid?
Basically, jesse and josh had this 20-ish people something holiday party. Dishes to pass, white elephant gift, holiday-dress attire, well you name it. It happened to be the day after xmas and it snowed the entire day. Not only was i completely snowed in my driveway as well as the subdivsion - my car sucks in snow and it probably woulda been about a 40 minute drive, maybe more especially with the bad country back roads. Not to mention my mom still glares at me everytime any words containing "jesse" "boyfriend" "serious" etc get brought up. I know she should get over it but at the same time it's not worth the fight or the hassle at times. Not to mention you have my dad aka john malan the weatherman predicting how much snow we have and commenting on it every ten minutes. god, i hate winter.
Since everythings been going on this past year, i've always been the 'good kid'. my mom actually appreciates being with me and being home. My dad was laid off about a year ago this time, and now his new job requires him to be out of town almost every week. She's alone with my two ungrateful, bratty sisters and sees my dad on the weekends. My dad's been home this past week, and obviously my sisters are home from school, and so am i, so it's one of those "all the family under one roof" kinda things. If you would have heard how heartbroken my mom was when i told her i was working over winter break starting jan 4th and wouldn't be home. heatbroken, being the key word.
and this whole day i was just torn. i'm the girlfriend that "doesn't exist" and never is around. point a: being that i'm not 21 and can't go to the same places they can and point b: i just have so many more obligations and sucha different family atmosphere than most people ever grew up with. I wanted to go but it wasn't worth shoveling for an hour, getting ready, fighting about sleeping over at my "boyfriends" house, driving all the way there in my shitty ass car..... et. all. But at the same time, i hate getting all the pathetic texts saying "wish you were here". ughhh. I'm sure his high school girl friends just want me there so they can judge me. I didn't go to highschool with them, as everybody in attendance and i wasn't sure if i was up to a whole night of inside jokes and stories. am i terrible? It doesn't help that josh's new "girlfriend" ally can check all these things off, and the fact she is so desperately in puppy love she will do anything he asks and she's always around for everything possible. I feel like i get compared to her in those things, and that's not fair. Although, i have his mom's vote (even though that story makes me smile and blush, this isn't the time)
i really have been off the social radar for the past two months, but it was out of my control. Between not feeling good and being on constant meds, to work, and my own family obligations i haven't done anything except watch tv on dvd. And i'm serious. But, right now, i'm almost completley over this whole mental meltdown that i had earlier. I just don't know how to describe it. I feel like i'm stretched out to thin, and i just want to please everybody and i never can. And then i can't please myself. I don't know why i was so worked up about everything (I'm for-suring blaming pms for part) but i was so upset and bitter all day. Sulking over this, and it's not like i wanted to go that badly. the dumb texts and all the pictures and stories will still drive me nuts i'm sure. and then his brother josh giving me the 21 questions why i wasn't there to 'rage' with all of them. That always drives me nuts when he asks why i didn't go out, it's like he can't comprehend things.
this wasn't the first time this has happened, and i'm sure this won't be the last. I know he loves me so much but i just don't think he would understand. He has such an open, honest, accepting heart and can't see no wrong or any problems with anything. Something that drives me insane.
any thoughts on this? make me feel sane?
"it" basically comes down to me being 'not-that-girl'. I don't know how to be a girlfriend and the unwritten obligations that go with that role. My life has never centered around a boyfriend and i don't know how to compromise anything. I don't know how to do the holidays. I don't know how to meet the best friends that I haven't already met, and everything that comes with the fact that they've known him his whole life. i don't know how to come over to his 'real' house . am i afraid?
Basically, jesse and josh had this 20-ish people something holiday party. Dishes to pass, white elephant gift, holiday-dress attire, well you name it. It happened to be the day after xmas and it snowed the entire day. Not only was i completely snowed in my driveway as well as the subdivsion - my car sucks in snow and it probably woulda been about a 40 minute drive, maybe more especially with the bad country back roads. Not to mention my mom still glares at me everytime any words containing "jesse" "boyfriend" "serious" etc get brought up. I know she should get over it but at the same time it's not worth the fight or the hassle at times. Not to mention you have my dad aka john malan the weatherman predicting how much snow we have and commenting on it every ten minutes. god, i hate winter.
Since everythings been going on this past year, i've always been the 'good kid'. my mom actually appreciates being with me and being home. My dad was laid off about a year ago this time, and now his new job requires him to be out of town almost every week. She's alone with my two ungrateful, bratty sisters and sees my dad on the weekends. My dad's been home this past week, and obviously my sisters are home from school, and so am i, so it's one of those "all the family under one roof" kinda things. If you would have heard how heartbroken my mom was when i told her i was working over winter break starting jan 4th and wouldn't be home. heatbroken, being the key word.
and this whole day i was just torn. i'm the girlfriend that "doesn't exist" and never is around. point a: being that i'm not 21 and can't go to the same places they can and point b: i just have so many more obligations and sucha different family atmosphere than most people ever grew up with. I wanted to go but it wasn't worth shoveling for an hour, getting ready, fighting about sleeping over at my "boyfriends" house, driving all the way there in my shitty ass car..... et. all. But at the same time, i hate getting all the pathetic texts saying "wish you were here". ughhh. I'm sure his high school girl friends just want me there so they can judge me. I didn't go to highschool with them, as everybody in attendance and i wasn't sure if i was up to a whole night of inside jokes and stories. am i terrible? It doesn't help that josh's new "girlfriend" ally can check all these things off, and the fact she is so desperately in puppy love she will do anything he asks and she's always around for everything possible. I feel like i get compared to her in those things, and that's not fair. Although, i have his mom's vote (even though that story makes me smile and blush, this isn't the time)
i really have been off the social radar for the past two months, but it was out of my control. Between not feeling good and being on constant meds, to work, and my own family obligations i haven't done anything except watch tv on dvd. And i'm serious. But, right now, i'm almost completley over this whole mental meltdown that i had earlier. I just don't know how to describe it. I feel like i'm stretched out to thin, and i just want to please everybody and i never can. And then i can't please myself. I don't know why i was so worked up about everything (I'm for-suring blaming pms for part) but i was so upset and bitter all day. Sulking over this, and it's not like i wanted to go that badly. the dumb texts and all the pictures and stories will still drive me nuts i'm sure. and then his brother josh giving me the 21 questions why i wasn't there to 'rage' with all of them. That always drives me nuts when he asks why i didn't go out, it's like he can't comprehend things.
this wasn't the first time this has happened, and i'm sure this won't be the last. I know he loves me so much but i just don't think he would understand. He has such an open, honest, accepting heart and can't see no wrong or any problems with anything. Something that drives me insane.
any thoughts on this? make me feel sane?