ughhhhhhhhhh
A lot of things on my mind, which is not now or ever a good sign. I’m thinking too much - I feel like I haven’t done this in awhile.
I’m scared - to be blunt. Im just scared that I’m going to get hurt. And the hurt I feel is going to happen in the kind of way that one never fully gets over. I have had a few things like this in my life - nights of obliteration that should throw up a red flag to stop or things that have happened that I can still feel and see through scars. But the first was mental, the second physical and this new one is emotional (while, at the same time all three intertwine.
Every time I feel I’m ready to talk about something I don’t because I’m afraid of either
1. Ruining a light-hearted fun atmosphere
2. Upsetting/Angering another person
3. Crying… I hate crying. (especially in front of someone I carea bout and don’t want them to think I’m crazy.
I just don’t want to get hurt, understandable yes? I don’t want to like someone more than they like me, that will hurt. I don’t want to always want to be with someone because, in the end, even if they always want to be with me too - It’s Not Possible - and will only hurt in the end. I don’t want to be just like someone but I want to have things in common. I don’t like routine and conformity but I love organization….
I think that society puts shame on crying (especially for boys). But last night just laying there and I wanted to just cry - a lot and hard… for a lot of reasons (not that I’m depressed or anything, I think it’d just have felt good). But I don’t get to see him as much as I’d like- so I didn’t because of the three reasons given above. Same with Craig - when I’m with him I don’t want to vent and I NEVER get to see him so, why ruin it, y’know?
But a few things I like…
Surprises, Quagmire, K-Swiss, HUGS, polo shirts, spontaneity, traveling, Sonic, salads, care packages, Kohlberg, Freud, not waking up alone, HUGS, walking around a beautiful place, waterfalls, conversation.
(THERES MORE BUT I HAVE TO CLEAN)
I’m scared - to be blunt. Im just scared that I’m going to get hurt. And the hurt I feel is going to happen in the kind of way that one never fully gets over. I have had a few things like this in my life - nights of obliteration that should throw up a red flag to stop or things that have happened that I can still feel and see through scars. But the first was mental, the second physical and this new one is emotional (while, at the same time all three intertwine.
Every time I feel I’m ready to talk about something I don’t because I’m afraid of either
1. Ruining a light-hearted fun atmosphere
2. Upsetting/Angering another person
3. Crying… I hate crying. (especially in front of someone I carea bout and don’t want them to think I’m crazy.
I just don’t want to get hurt, understandable yes? I don’t want to like someone more than they like me, that will hurt. I don’t want to always want to be with someone because, in the end, even if they always want to be with me too - It’s Not Possible - and will only hurt in the end. I don’t want to be just like someone but I want to have things in common. I don’t like routine and conformity but I love organization….
I think that society puts shame on crying (especially for boys). But last night just laying there and I wanted to just cry - a lot and hard… for a lot of reasons (not that I’m depressed or anything, I think it’d just have felt good). But I don’t get to see him as much as I’d like- so I didn’t because of the three reasons given above. Same with Craig - when I’m with him I don’t want to vent and I NEVER get to see him so, why ruin it, y’know?
But a few things I like…
Surprises, Quagmire, K-Swiss, HUGS, polo shirts, spontaneity, traveling, Sonic, salads, care packages, Kohlberg, Freud, not waking up alone, HUGS, walking around a beautiful place, waterfalls, conversation.
(THERES MORE BUT I HAVE TO CLEAN)