a lifeguard's nuisances
So over this summer I've seen a lot of different poolgoers, if that is even a word. There are so many little things they do or ask for that drive me crazy. Add into the equation that it's almost always a sweltering 90 something with an insanely high humidity factor. I haven't once snapped but I've been close. Here's a list of poolgoer stereotypes and why they are annoying.
A. Former jock
You'll know him when you see him. Hair styled back, generally comes to the pool with some workout bag like he just did some intense work out at the gym. Then why bother swimming. They don't just relaxingly swim, the dudes pathetically swim as fast as they can. They expend a lot of energy kicking harder with to extra momentum gain and swing their arms way too high wasting time of their stroke. Generally they have terrible form which makes their grand show that much funnier. They can't swim straight despite wearing those 15-30 dollar goggles from sportsmart. Trying to relive their glory days they swim extra hard when there's any sort of attractive female around.. Which just so happens to be 95% of the time. They didn't swim in high school, they were football players or baseball players. And probably second string losers. Good enough to be on the team but not good enough to see more than 5 minutes of play. If you want to impress somebody with your extra flabby body and beer gut go to the gym and do squatz, maybe you can pick up that chick who looks like a dude on the row machine.
B. Old, fat, otherwise out of shape people.
So I honestly don't have anything against them per se, their fitness ethics are just horrible. These people come here with the mentality that as long as they get their heartrate higher than when they rest that's good enough. I've seen people come in and do some lame water aerobics, fat guy or old lady walking or speed walking thriough the water. They are fooling themselves if they honestly think they're getting a decent workout. An hour of swimming compared to what they do.. They would have to be here for about 6 hours. Point of it is, the person is in the pool, any swimming even slow as hell is better than pathetic, half-assed water aerobics. You are already in the pool, do what you're meant to do in a pool you morons. Quarter pullups do not help when all the resistance and any work wouls by the second half of the pullup.
C. Old folks... in general
You're retired and you don't live in an old folks' home. Congratulations.. But how wil you spend your 10 or more free hours a day? I know go turn your skin into leather by spending 3 hours a day at the pool. Think Bob Barker gets all those old bitches with a leathery disgusting cancerous skin? No. Cause he's Bob fucking Barker. Complain about the water temperature not being over 85 once more and I'll shove you down the stairs. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of old people who come here who are cool and don't bother me, but they could be doing more constructive things. They could go sit in front of the computer or tv and play video games. I know I'll be 80 something and play the newest best mmo til I die. Hell they'd keep their memories and reflexes way sharper than others, and their hand-eye coordination to boot. Stay out of the sun and go like... knit a quilt for your grandchildren or something.
D. Pregnant women
The sad thing about the pregnant chicks who come in, is they would and probably are/were damn sexy when they weren't pregnant. I'm pretty sure there's a bit of a health risk for your unborn child if you are sunbathing for an hour or so every day or 5 times a week. Do yourself and your baby a favor and get out of the sun, there's no need to have a tan when you're pregnant.
E. Resdients who don't feel it's enough that I wave and say 'hi' when they sign in.
I had complaints that I wasn't friendly enough when I greet and say bye or whatever. I think it's a bit ludicrous to expect me to become best buds with everyone that comes in here. This place is a shithole with kids who will go nowhere in life and parents who are so bored with theirs that they have to be nosey and poke into everybody else's business. You came here to swim laps? Get a gym membership there's a few great places nearby with way way better pools and indoors. Get lost you complain to me about the temperature, the jets in the hot tub, some bugs in the pool which I have yet to skim out, and you annoying little kids.
F. Guys reading books... in or at the pool... wtf?
I do not understand this phenomena. It's a pool so chances of you getting your book ruined are 50/50 depending on who's here. But honestly, you want some sun and you want to stay cool but you also want to read? Here's an idea: bring a bottle of water. If you don't care about the sun, stay home. There's air conditoning for a reason. I wasn't even aware that men who weren't in college even read books let alone loved them so dearly they bring them with themselves to the local pool. I hope some fat kid does a cannonball and splashes your book so you learn your lesson.
I'll probably find new ones to add into here some time in the very near future. Ciao!
A. Former jock
You'll know him when you see him. Hair styled back, generally comes to the pool with some workout bag like he just did some intense work out at the gym. Then why bother swimming. They don't just relaxingly swim, the dudes pathetically swim as fast as they can. They expend a lot of energy kicking harder with to extra momentum gain and swing their arms way too high wasting time of their stroke. Generally they have terrible form which makes their grand show that much funnier. They can't swim straight despite wearing those 15-30 dollar goggles from sportsmart. Trying to relive their glory days they swim extra hard when there's any sort of attractive female around.. Which just so happens to be 95% of the time. They didn't swim in high school, they were football players or baseball players. And probably second string losers. Good enough to be on the team but not good enough to see more than 5 minutes of play. If you want to impress somebody with your extra flabby body and beer gut go to the gym and do squatz, maybe you can pick up that chick who looks like a dude on the row machine.
B. Old, fat, otherwise out of shape people.
So I honestly don't have anything against them per se, their fitness ethics are just horrible. These people come here with the mentality that as long as they get their heartrate higher than when they rest that's good enough. I've seen people come in and do some lame water aerobics, fat guy or old lady walking or speed walking thriough the water. They are fooling themselves if they honestly think they're getting a decent workout. An hour of swimming compared to what they do.. They would have to be here for about 6 hours. Point of it is, the person is in the pool, any swimming even slow as hell is better than pathetic, half-assed water aerobics. You are already in the pool, do what you're meant to do in a pool you morons. Quarter pullups do not help when all the resistance and any work wouls by the second half of the pullup.
C. Old folks... in general
You're retired and you don't live in an old folks' home. Congratulations.. But how wil you spend your 10 or more free hours a day? I know go turn your skin into leather by spending 3 hours a day at the pool. Think Bob Barker gets all those old bitches with a leathery disgusting cancerous skin? No. Cause he's Bob fucking Barker. Complain about the water temperature not being over 85 once more and I'll shove you down the stairs. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of old people who come here who are cool and don't bother me, but they could be doing more constructive things. They could go sit in front of the computer or tv and play video games. I know I'll be 80 something and play the newest best mmo til I die. Hell they'd keep their memories and reflexes way sharper than others, and their hand-eye coordination to boot. Stay out of the sun and go like... knit a quilt for your grandchildren or something.
D. Pregnant women
The sad thing about the pregnant chicks who come in, is they would and probably are/were damn sexy when they weren't pregnant. I'm pretty sure there's a bit of a health risk for your unborn child if you are sunbathing for an hour or so every day or 5 times a week. Do yourself and your baby a favor and get out of the sun, there's no need to have a tan when you're pregnant.
E. Resdients who don't feel it's enough that I wave and say 'hi' when they sign in.
I had complaints that I wasn't friendly enough when I greet and say bye or whatever. I think it's a bit ludicrous to expect me to become best buds with everyone that comes in here. This place is a shithole with kids who will go nowhere in life and parents who are so bored with theirs that they have to be nosey and poke into everybody else's business. You came here to swim laps? Get a gym membership there's a few great places nearby with way way better pools and indoors. Get lost you complain to me about the temperature, the jets in the hot tub, some bugs in the pool which I have yet to skim out, and you annoying little kids.
F. Guys reading books... in or at the pool... wtf?
I do not understand this phenomena. It's a pool so chances of you getting your book ruined are 50/50 depending on who's here. But honestly, you want some sun and you want to stay cool but you also want to read? Here's an idea: bring a bottle of water. If you don't care about the sun, stay home. There's air conditoning for a reason. I wasn't even aware that men who weren't in college even read books let alone loved them so dearly they bring them with themselves to the local pool. I hope some fat kid does a cannonball and splashes your book so you learn your lesson.
I'll probably find new ones to add into here some time in the very near future. Ciao!