Artistic Integrity

[robertsloan2]

I've been sitting on an ever-growing stack of science fiction and fantasy novels since I published Raven Dance in 2000. Every year I participate in NaNoWriMo and usually the 3 Day Novel contest too, either officially or just by spending Labor Day Weekend writing a new short novel

Comments

[robertsloan2]

I'm now in San Francisco re-adapting to some fights changing. I kept my head down on so many things and lived stealth for so long. I was too worried about whether my stories would sell to be honest with my themes - and I wussed out on them in a lot of my fiction. That's what this entry is about, having got here at last and gotten past one big part of it that could change, I'm finding a place to stand where a lot of times in my life I got knocked over, kept my head down and rolled with it, where the only thing I could do toward a future was go on breathing and wait for something to change

[robertsloan2]

Thank you! Yes, I'm 100% accepting of myself as transman. I knew every time I read anything about it even from early childhood. I didn't believe it was wrong or evil or shameful. I was in childhood scared assorted doctors and medical professionals were right and I was just crazy, would get locked up for life for not being normal. But once I got diagnosed in 1979 it put that fear to bed for good

[robertsloan2]

Heh, no kidding. Just like GURPS charted my disadvantages as "unplayable, too disadvantaged" I think my biography would be too multi-topic and scatter all over the place dealing with too many issues. Good line. If my life were a novel, it definitely could be better written.

Thank you. I'm trying to keep the pain down and tomorrow I'll deal with calling AT&T to see when they can get a repair expert out to my room to fix the phone jack. I have DSL but it won't work yet because the jack isn't working.

[robertsloan2]

More like they will be going well after I get past the current money crisis. I can't do anything about it and I fell short on necessities this week. I have exactly $1 left or I spend the $4 that I have set aside for the Paratransit trip to see my therapist on Wednesday the 29th. If I could reschedule her to Friday it'd work, because that'd be after my check comes

[robertsloan2]

I'm the one that can't quite stomach the fact that about 90% of the problems were that unstoppable and that scay, who expects myself to have been able to work on novels when going through massive external crises and keep submitting manuscripts when I didn't know where I was going to live in a month or two during many of those years. My self -expectations trip me up and I got very depressed in the past few months about that. Mentioning it again here is ABOUT that self acceptance thing. Finding out that so little of my past decisions would have been improved by 20-20 hindsight, that's scary.

[robertsloan2]

Good luck on the move, John. I hope it's a good one. I'm happy for you that MN passed Marriage Equality. MN is just strange to me, it's like Germany, it's sometimes so liberal and sometimes so NOT. I got transition there but I also got tortured there and the climate tries to kill me. I don't fit in there. I do fiti in here in San Francisco

[robertsloan2]

Good luck on it. Yeah, I know that "Not THAT again" feeling. Sometimes when it's the same thing again and nothing I ever did reduced it, that can hurt worse than it did when I had the energy to get angry about it. Definitely catch up on reading, that helps!