The Last Nightmare
I finally finished this story and have put it all together here, for you to enjoy. The usual disclaimers apply--don't own 'em, wish I did--don't read if you're underage or are offended by m/m or rps--this is ONLY fiction--never happened--blah, blah, blah. OK, off you go...
“I can’t see…where are you?” Cold swirls around my feet and I shiver. The night is still and there is no sound but the wind whirling down the dark hall. “Hello? Hello?” I’m gingerly creeping along the wall…until I run into something warm and soft. Oh, no! I know what this is and I’m trembling in fear. “Hello, Boy,” the deep voice grates through my head as I feel the hands reach for me and pull me through the dark and into hell.
Simon Gallop woke up to the sound of screaming. As it wasn’t a normal occurrence to hear that sort of sound coming from the adjoining room, he flew out of the bed and crashed through the thin door separating the rooms. Once his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he saw Robert, tangled in the bedclothes and thrashing wildly about. Silently moving to the bed, he reached down and gently touched the shaking shoulder of his best friend. “Robin,” he whispered, “wake up-you’re having a nightmare.” At the slight touch, Robert flinched, before rolling over and roughly shoved Simon away. Not expecting the attack, he stumbled backward before regaining his balance.
Robert sat up, breathing heavily and shaking his head to clear it of the demons that plagued him throughout the night. Finally seeing Simon, he realized what he had done. “Si, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you.”
“God, Robin. Remind me to never try waking you up from a nightmare again,” he grumbled. “What the hell were you dreaming about anyway?”
A dark expression briefly crossed the pale face before disappearing. “I really don’t remember,” Robert said quietly. Upon seeing the pain in the grayish eyes, Simon instantly knew he was lying.
***************************
He really couldn’t remember exactly when he started having the nightmare again. What he did know was that it had been tormenting him for the past few nights--ever since *that kiss*.
[Flashback]
“Robin, c’mere a minute,” Simon called out jovially. It was the after show party and the band had been working their way through yet another case of beer. They’d already run out twice and had to send various members of the road crew out for more.
Robert staggered over to the battered sofa in the dressing room, a beer clutched tight in his hand. “Whatz up, Soz?”
Simon fluttered his eyelashes before unexpectedly pulling Robert onto his lap. “What the...” Robert gasped right before strong hands grasped his head and his lips were forcefully mashed against Simon’s mouth. As he struggled to break free, a tongue was ungracefully shoved inside and his mouth was plundered until he could no longer breathe. With one big shove, he crashed to the floor with a loud thud. Confused eyes stared up at Simon and he saw red smeared all across his face. He wiped his hand across his own face and winced when he saw it was stained with Kissing Crimson.
[End Flashback]
He still didn’t know why Simon kissed him that night. For as long as he’d known Simon, it had never once been hinted at that he viewed Robert as anything more than a best friend. As far as he knew, Simon had never even kissed another man. Why he had chosen to kiss Robert remained a mystery. It had never been discussed and he wasn’t sure that his friend even remembered the incident. As for Robert, he tried desperately to put it out of his mind, but it had lodged deep in his subconscious and brought the horrible nightmare back from the place he’d banished it so many years ago.
*******************************
“Come here, Boy,” the deep voice grates through my head as I feel the hands reach for me and pull me through the dark and into hell. The room is cold, and silent as he drags me in and slams the door behind us. It’s how I imagine the sound of the final nail being driven into the coffin before it is sealed shut forever. Everything is still save *His* breathing. Those hands are on my shoulders, pushing me down onto something soft. I know what comes next and I shudder. “You know what to do,” he says and I know that my torture is only just beginning.
“Oh, Christ! Not this again.” Simon staggered out of bed and reached for the light switch while grumbling to himself. “It’s the third time this week. Why can’t he just smother himself with the bloody pillow.” As he reached the door, he wondered why he didn’t switch rooms with one of the others. Because he’s your best friend, he acknowledged, and you want to be there for him if he needs you.
Damn! He’d locked the door again, which was so unlike the Robert he knew. All these years and he’d never done that. It had only been in the past few nights, he realized. Pounding on the door, he prepared to break it down, when it suddenly swung open and reveled a bleary-eyed Robert. His hair was in a tangled disarray-not in the usual carefully concocted way he wore it; it had the look of someone who had been tossing and turning all night. His grey eyes were haunted and punctuated by the ever darkening circles underneath. Wordlessly, he nodded and wearily plodded back to the bed.
Simon sat down next to Robert and reached over to hold his hand. Robert flinched like he was on fire and pulled his hand away so quickly it was as if he had been burned. He clasped his hands tightly together in his lap and cleared his throat before speaking in a weary voice. “I’m sorry, Si.” He looked down at the floor and squeezed his eyes shut. “Maybe you should get a different room so I won’t keep waking you.”
“Robin, what’s wrong?”, Simon asked concerned. A silent head shake was the only response. He sighed. “You want me to give you something to help you sleep? I’ve got a couple of sleepers if you need ‘em.”
“No, s’okay. I’ll be fine,” Robert stated unconvincingly. They both knew he was still lying.
************************
I can’t breathe. He’s so close, I’m gagging. Why me, I wonder for the millionth time. I can smell the sweat coming off of him and it’s making me sick. I feel like retching and I try to pull away, but he keeps holding me down with those iron hands. “You’re not going anywhere until you’re done,” he grunts. I’m dying inside and I wonder how much longer he’ll keep me here. The noise is deafening and I feel the blood rushing in my ears. I won’t cry…I won’t cry…I won’t cry. His hands tighten around the back of my head and I silently continue my mantra. I won’t cry…I won’t cry…I won’t-BLECH!!!
“This can’t keep going on,” Porl said in a low voice. “You can’t sleep--he can’t sleep.”
Simon snuck a quick glance in Robert’s direction. “I know, I know. But what can I do? He won’t tell me anything--he won’t tell you anything.” He watched Robert for a moment. “Look at him. He’s barely able to stand up, he’s so tired.”
Porl looked thoughtful. “Well, maybe you should try sleeping with him.”
“WHAT?!?!?”
“Oh, come on Simon. I didn’t mean have sex with him--although you can’t tell me that thought hasn’t crossed your mind.” He winked. “What I really meant was just try cuddling with him until he settles down enough to fall asleep.”
Simon considered that. On one hand, he desperately wanted that closeness with Robert. They were best friends, but Simon wanted more than a simple platonic relationship. He’d never spoken about it with Robert and wasn’t sure how he would react to the idea. On the other hand, he wasn’t sure that either of them would be able to actually sleep if he followed Porl’s suggestion.
***********************
I really couldn’t help it. I tried, I honestly did, but it was so disgusting that I couldn’t keep it from spilling out. He’s angry. I can tell by his mottled face and the redness of his ears. CRACK!!! My eyes well up as my cheek burns where he hit me. “You’re worthless. Can’t even do it properly,” he shouts as he grabs my hair by the fistfull and yanks my head back. I feel something on my throat and realise it’s his other hand. My eyes open wide as the pressure increases. OH MY GOD!!! He’s squeezing...I can’t breathe... someone help me...I’m choaking...my eyes roll back into my head and everything goes dark.
“HELP ME!!!”
What the hell?!?!? Simon sprang up and looked around wildly. His heart felt as if it was pounding right out of his chest and he gasped for breath. He felt the bed shaking and saw Robert curled up in a tight ball, shivering and sobbing. He’s having that nightmare again. “Robin...Robin,” he said trying to gently arouse him. “It’s not real.” He stopped moving, but remained in the fetal position. Simon leaned over to whisper in his ear, “I’m here and it’s o.k.” Without warning, a hand whacked him in the mouth and he cried out in pain. He reached down to shake him roughly, while raising his voice and yelling repeatedly at him to wake up. Robert’s eyes immediately sprang open and he threw off the covers and scrambled to his feet.
Yanking the duvet from his head, Simon tried to figure out what had just happened. Then he heard the sobbing again and found Robert huddled in the corner of the room. His hands were holding his knees to his chest and his face was buried against his legs. Simon was stunned to see his best friend rocking back and forth as if he were in a trance. As he got closer, he could barely hear the raspy voice. “Please help me...please help me...please!” Wiping the blood from his mouth, he sat on the floor and quietly said, “I’ll help you, Robin. I’ll help you.” Finally, the head lifted and he saw those haunted watery eyes. Robert slowly shook his head and whispered, “You can’t, Si, but I wish you could.”
************************
This was the start of a nightly pattern. Each evening, he would sit with Robert and they’d have a nightcap before curling up together in the king size bed. At times, it seemed as if there was an invisible wall between them; every time Simon tried to inch a little closer, Robert pulled away until he was clinging to the edge of the bed. Finally, he’d give up and let Robert have the space he seemed to need before they both fell into an uneasy sleep.
Somewhere in the middle of the night, the nightmares would begin and Simon would spend the rest of his time trying to soothe his friend and also avoid the flying fists that he would sometimes be too tired to dodge. It was no wonder that, in the space of a few days, Simon began to look as haggard as the man he was trying to help.
“Why won’t you ever tell me about the nightmares,” Simon inquired after a particularly bad episode.
Robert lowered his eyes and shook his head. “I just can’t, is all,” he stated emphatically. “ ‘Sides, I don’t usually remember them anyway.”
“That’s bullocks and we both know it! I’m here to help you, but you keep pushing me away. Why, Robin? Why?” Robert never answered.
*********************
I came to and found him looming over me. He must have moved me to the bed, because I’m laying down. I hear a rustling and cringe. He’s removing the rest of his clothes. “Let me show you how it’s done,” he growls. This is what I fear most. His hands are unzipping my trousers. “Please, no,” I beg. I hear his ugly laugh. “Oh, no, Boy. Tonight, you’re all mine.”
************************
They were sitting at the bar--two dark heads leaning close together, occassionally touching as each sipped his drink. Simon had thought it a good idea to go out for a bit and went to the nearest pub to get totally and completely sloshed. He hadn’t counted on Robert having the same idea, but was pleased to find him at the bar. From the look of him, he’d been there quite some time and was already halfway beyond sober. Simon took the stool to his left and sat, quietly staring into his glass. After a few minutes, Robert looked up and greeted him with a big sloppy smile. “Hey, Soz, when’d you get here?” Robert slurred.
“Few minutes ago. Seems you started a while ago. Are you totally pissed yet?”
“Nah, but I’m working on it,” he chuckled.
They began lining up the empties on the counter in front of them, until there was no more room. Figuring that was the signal that it was time to leave, Simon rose from his stool just in time to catch Robert falling off his. Those blue-grey eyes were slightly unfocused and staring up at him and he felt his mouth go dry. Robert was finally in his arms, although not in the way he wished. He swallowed the huge lump that had formed in his throat, intent on speaking, until Robert intervened by delicately wrapping his arms around his neck and tipping his head back to expose his creamy throat. Simon’s eyes darkened with lust and he could no longer restrain his passion. It was the most natural thing in the world to lower his lips to that smooth alabaster skin and kiss Robert’s adam’s apple. He felt the hands on his neck tighten their grip and he began to suck on the tender flesh. He heard, rather than saw, those lush red lips part and felt the tinest whisper of breath that escaped in a quiet gasp. The loud sound of someone clearing his throat reminded Simon of their current location.
“Sir, will the two of you be needing a ride?,” the bartender said in a humourous tone.
Simon blushed, “Uh, yeah. That would be good, right Robin?”
“Ummmm hmmm,” he said groggily.
The ride back to the hotel was uneventful. Simon kept replaying the feeling of Robert in his arms over and over in his mind, while Robert dozed off and on. This is the way it should be, Simon thought contentedly. It should always be a night like this.
*******************
I try to lie still, but he is so skilled and my body betrays me. He removed my clothing and left me exposed to his whims. His hands are on me everywhere--oh please don’t let him... “Ahh,” I gasp as his lips close around me. My hips lift up and I thrust inside his mouth. It feels so good I can’t hold back and I stop resisting. “Yessss,” I cry out as I finally let go and fully experience my pleasure. “You liked that didn’t you?” he hisses as he slaps my face again, the stinging bringing tears to my eyes. He reaches down and forces my legs apart and I tremble in fear. “That’s right,” he says, “you should be afraid. I’m gonna make you bleed.” My eyes widen in apprehension. “Spread ‘em wider, Boy!” he orders and I feel him against me. His weight is crushing me and I’m trapped underneath him. He’s sweating and grunting and I’m dying inside. Oh, God, NO!!! I howl silently as he savagely pushes into me. It hurts and I can’t stop the tears from pouring forth. He’s pounding into me so roughly I feel like I’m being ripped apart and I can no longer hold back my screams. “Oh, yeah Boy! Scream for me! Scream!”
“Robin...wake up!” Robert jerked awake and found Simon holding him down. He panicked and tried to push the lanky body off him, but was held down harder.
“GET OFF ME!” he yelled and kneed Simon in the groin.
“WHAT THE FUCK’S THE MATTER WITH YOU!” He couldn’t believe he was just kicked in the balls by his best friend. The pain was excruciating and he resisted the urge to punch Robert in retaliation. Once the pain dulled, he took a good look at the man he’d previously considered unflappable. Robert’s eyes were wild with terror and his teeth were chattering. He seemed to have withdrawn into himself and was unaware of his surroundings. Simon approached him tentatively. “Rob,” he said softly. “Robert, look at me. It’s ok. I’m here. You’re safe. No one’s gonna hurt you, I promise.” Glassy eyes turned in his direction. Feeling hopeful, Simon stroked the tangled raven locks. Immediately, his hand was slapped away and Robert huddled against the headboard. At a loss, he sat quietly waiting for Robert to respond to his continued presence.
“Si?” The voice was hoarse and warbly. “I’m sorry,” Robert began to sob. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know,” Simon acknowledged, “but this has got to stop now. What would have happened if I hadn’t been here,” he asked.
“Nothing would’ve happened.”
“Robin, you were screaming--screaming, Robert. Whatever this dream is you’re having, it’s taking over your life. You can’t keep going on like this.”
“I know.”
Why can’t I stop this? This nightmare was ruining his life and he knew it, but was hopelessly trapped. I need to find a way to free him from this spell and make it all go away.
“Simon...?” Robert trailed off. He wanted to ask something but was unsure if he should.
“Yes?”
Robert cleared his throat but remained silent. He just couldn’t get the words to come out of his mouth and looked imploringly at Simon, hoping he’d get the hint.
He’d never seen Robert so hesitant and Simon found it endearing. He spoke so calmly in what he hoped was an encouraging tone. “What is it Robin?”
“I was wondering if...I mean...would you...umm...you can say no if you want...you don’t have to, I mean...I won’t be upset or anything...”
“For Christ’s sake, Robin. Just say whatever it is you want to say,” Simon snapped a bit impatiently.
“Well...um...would you maybe...kiss me again?” he stammered.
Simon felt his breath hitch. Was he actually hearing Robert ask to be kissed? By him? He needed to be sure he wasn’t dreaming. “You want me to kiss you?” His answer was a brief nod. “Are you sure?” Another nod. “A lover’s kiss?”
“Simon, just please kiss me,” Robert pleaded. “Before I lose my nerve,” he added under his breath.
Simon moved closer and reached out, catching himself before making contact. He didn’t want to scare Robert or get hurt himself. “I’m going to touch you, ok?” Seeing no forthcoming violent reaction, he relaxed and reached out to brush a stray lock of ebony hair from the pale cheek. He was utterly captivated by the man in front of him. When they were much younger, he’d thought his feelings were a type of hero worship and admiration. Somewhere along the line, he realised his feelings were of a more romantic nature. He became absolutely sure when Robert got married and he recognized his jealousy. Although he hid his passion well, it nevertheless had an impact on his life. Two failed marriages and a drug addiction were an indirect result of the desires he harboured. Now, finally, he could express some of what he carried inside for so long.
He gently cupped Robert’s chin and pulled their faces closer until they were almost touching. He could feel his friend’s nervousness and whispered, “It’s ok, Robin,” before threading his free hand into that glorious hair. He smiled as he felt trembling hands encircle his neck. Robert’s tentative touch made Simon’s heart burst and he slowly pressed his lips against that luscious mouth. It was absolute bliss--an utterly perfect moment.
They continued to kiss softly for a few moments until Robert felt bolder and tapped Simon’s closed mouth with the tip of his tongue. Before he knew it, their tongues were dueling in a primitive dance that caused the temperature in the room to increase by several degrees. Their passion increased and their touches became bolder. Simon opened the top buttons of Robert’s shirt and, sliding it from his shoulders, rained kisses over the smooth, silky skin. Robert’s head was thrown back and he was panting and clawing at Simon’s thin shirt in a desperate attempt gain more contact. He was in ecstasy until he felt hands fumbling with the waistband of his pants. He abruptly pulled away, almost knocking Simon to the floor. “No, Si,” he panted.
Simon was incredulous. “Robin, why?” he whined as he tried to regain the closeness they’d previously shared. Robert stopped him with a hand to his chest. “No, Si. I just can’t.”
“But why?”
“Please don’t ask me, Si,” he pleaded. “Just don’t.”
Simon sighed and turned off the light as Robert turned to his side and silently cried in the dark.
*******************
It was finally finished and he heaved his large sweaty body off me and out of the bed. Shivering, I curled up underneath the scratchy blanket and waited for him to leave. “You filthy little whore.” Why was he still here? Didn’t he get what he wanted from me? I could feel his alcohol-laced breath in my ear as he whispered his poison. “Such a good little fuck-and all mine. No one will ever have you the way I do.” I closed my eyes and tried to block his words out of my head. “My pretty little slut-such a good little toy. It’s all your fault, you know. If you weren’t so desirable, I wouldn’t bother with you. You make me do this.” I continued to lay there silently while he ranted. “Such a pretty boy-always tempting me-and you love it-making me want you, don’t you? DON’T YOU?” CRACK! My face was on fire and the sound echoed horribly throughout the room. “You’ll answer me when I speak to you!” WHACK! My eye was exploding and I saw stars. “You love it when I lose control.” Another slap to my face left my brain buzzing and my ears ringing. “Tell me how much you love me…TELL ME!” he screamed. Choaking on my tears, I forced myself to say the words he wanted to hear-the words to end this torture. “I love you-I love you.” At last, he was satisfied. I heard his footsteps as he left the room, finally leaving me alone in my torment-at least until the next time.
***********************
“Do you remember anything ‘funny’ ever happening when Robert was younger?” Porl had know him for at least as long as I had and, at one time, was closer to him than I was.
“Not that I can recall, why?”
“You know how he’s been having those nightmares?” Porl nodded. “I’ve been thinking about that and about how he is after he wakes up,” I paused, “and then there was the other night…” I trailed off, wondering how much information I wanted to share.
Porl raised his eyebrows, “and just what happened last night, young man?” I blushed. “Oh, I see you took my advice, literally,” he grinned.
“Not exactly.” I proceeded to tell him a very abbreviated version of what happened, leaving out all the descriptive details, much to his disappointment.
“Still can’t really think of anything, but you know what I think you should do?” I shook my head. “Ask him. He knows you care about him-if he’d tell anybody about what’s going on in his head, it’d be you.”
*******************
Robert leadenly walked to the bed and wearily dropped onto the thick matress. He closed his eyes and braced himself for the inevitable battle to begin again, when he heard Simon’s soft voice cut through the darkness.
“Robin, you awake?”
“Unfortunately,” Robert replied dryly. He could hear his friend’s breathing and thought Simon had fallen asleep.
“You know you can tell me anything, right? I mean, no matter what it is, and I wouldn’t tell anyone.”
“What do you mean?” Robert asked slowly.
“I mean about the nightmares-about what happened.”
Robert abruptly sat up in bed and reached for the light next to him on the nightstand. “What are you on about?” he accused in an angry tone. “Just what is it you’re trying to say, Simon? I’ve already told you I don’t want to talk about it and that I don’t really remember much about my dreams anyway.”
“And I still say that’s bullshit.” He rose to his feet and came around to Robert’s side of the bed. “It’s not just what you say-it’s how you act when you’re awake. I know something’s bothering you-that something must have happened and it’s giving you nightmares. Now, you have a choice-you can keep suffering until you drive everyone away including me, or you can talk to me-to the one person who won’t judge anything you tell me and won’t repeat it. Just tell me what’s going on in your head and then we won’t talk about it again.” He waited until the silence was deafening before adding, “please, Robin. You’re making me…”
“I’m making you, what, Simon? Robert shouted. “What am I doing to you, hmm? Am I making you crazy? Making you wish you’d never set eyes on me? Making you lose control?” he sneered.
Simon was nonplussed. “Where did that come from and what the hell are you talking about, Robin?”
Robert continued as if he didn’t hear him. “People are always blaming me for their actions-as if I have any control over what they do. It’s not my fault-IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!”
The figure loomed over him as it always did, but he wouldn’t let it intimidate him. This time it would be different. He reached over and grabbed Simon and pulled him down.
“What the hell are you doing?” Simon yelled.
“SHUT UP!” Robert growled. “It’s your turn now.” He slapped Simon’s cheek until it was bright red. In his shock, Simon remained still and waited to see what his friend would do next. “Now, who’s the pretty whore, huh? Should I give you what you deserve?” He ripped Simon’s shirt open, popping the buttons off in his haste. “Oh, what a pretty little boy,” he crooned as he forcefully flipped him over and pushed his face into the pillow.
Robert could hear muttering coming from underneath him, but it remained an indistinct sound. He remained focused on the task before him, unaware of his surroundings. He felt the quivering form of his tormentor as he jerked the sleep trousers down and ran his hands over smooth warm flesh.
Oh, my God! What is he doing? Simon thought as Robert’s hands massaged his ass. This is too surreal. Realisation dawning on him, he knew he had to regain his friend’s attention. “Robin…ROBERT!” He began struggling in an attempt to turn over on his back. “ROBERT-STOP THIS!” He started kicking and thrashing until he felt the hands retreat. Quickly flipping over to face his friend, he found him immoble and staring back petrified. “Robin,” he spoke slowly, “it’s Simon. It’s o.k. now-it’s o.k.”
“Si…mon?” Robert squeaked. “Oh, God…” his voice broke as the tears came. “I don’t…my God…I’m sorry…so sorry.” He rocked back and forth, repeating “I’m sorry” over and over until Simon gently lifted his chin and looked him in the eyes.
“I think I know what happened,” Simon softly stated. “Talk to me.”
“Si, I don’t…” Robert hesitated.
“Robert,” Simon said firmly. “You just tried to rape me.” He felt rather than saw Robert flinch as he spoke. “We have to talk about this now, before things get worse.” He stared deep into the terrified blue-grey eyes and said simply, “It’s time.”
Gulping loudly, Robert nodded. “O.K.”
*****************
I couldn’t believe it. My best friend, at the tender age of 13, had been visciously raped by his uncle-and no one ever knew-not me, not his sister, not even his parents. As he poured his heart and soul out to me, I realised what it cost for him to finally admit this terrible secret. I felt honoured to know that I was the only person he trusted enough to share this with. When his tears were finally spent, I gently held him and stroked his dark hair.
“Si,” he whispered softly. I made an encouraging sound. “I’m glad I told you.”
“Me, too, Robin…me too,” I smiled sadly as I pulled him closer. The steady rhythm of his breath told me that he was finally relaxed.
We both slept soundly for the first time in weeks.
the end.
“I can’t see…where are you?” Cold swirls around my feet and I shiver. The night is still and there is no sound but the wind whirling down the dark hall. “Hello? Hello?” I’m gingerly creeping along the wall…until I run into something warm and soft. Oh, no! I know what this is and I’m trembling in fear. “Hello, Boy,” the deep voice grates through my head as I feel the hands reach for me and pull me through the dark and into hell.
Simon Gallop woke up to the sound of screaming. As it wasn’t a normal occurrence to hear that sort of sound coming from the adjoining room, he flew out of the bed and crashed through the thin door separating the rooms. Once his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he saw Robert, tangled in the bedclothes and thrashing wildly about. Silently moving to the bed, he reached down and gently touched the shaking shoulder of his best friend. “Robin,” he whispered, “wake up-you’re having a nightmare.” At the slight touch, Robert flinched, before rolling over and roughly shoved Simon away. Not expecting the attack, he stumbled backward before regaining his balance.
Robert sat up, breathing heavily and shaking his head to clear it of the demons that plagued him throughout the night. Finally seeing Simon, he realized what he had done. “Si, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you.”
“God, Robin. Remind me to never try waking you up from a nightmare again,” he grumbled. “What the hell were you dreaming about anyway?”
A dark expression briefly crossed the pale face before disappearing. “I really don’t remember,” Robert said quietly. Upon seeing the pain in the grayish eyes, Simon instantly knew he was lying.
***************************
He really couldn’t remember exactly when he started having the nightmare again. What he did know was that it had been tormenting him for the past few nights--ever since *that kiss*.
[Flashback]
“Robin, c’mere a minute,” Simon called out jovially. It was the after show party and the band had been working their way through yet another case of beer. They’d already run out twice and had to send various members of the road crew out for more.
Robert staggered over to the battered sofa in the dressing room, a beer clutched tight in his hand. “Whatz up, Soz?”
Simon fluttered his eyelashes before unexpectedly pulling Robert onto his lap. “What the...” Robert gasped right before strong hands grasped his head and his lips were forcefully mashed against Simon’s mouth. As he struggled to break free, a tongue was ungracefully shoved inside and his mouth was plundered until he could no longer breathe. With one big shove, he crashed to the floor with a loud thud. Confused eyes stared up at Simon and he saw red smeared all across his face. He wiped his hand across his own face and winced when he saw it was stained with Kissing Crimson.
[End Flashback]
He still didn’t know why Simon kissed him that night. For as long as he’d known Simon, it had never once been hinted at that he viewed Robert as anything more than a best friend. As far as he knew, Simon had never even kissed another man. Why he had chosen to kiss Robert remained a mystery. It had never been discussed and he wasn’t sure that his friend even remembered the incident. As for Robert, he tried desperately to put it out of his mind, but it had lodged deep in his subconscious and brought the horrible nightmare back from the place he’d banished it so many years ago.
*******************************
“Come here, Boy,” the deep voice grates through my head as I feel the hands reach for me and pull me through the dark and into hell. The room is cold, and silent as he drags me in and slams the door behind us. It’s how I imagine the sound of the final nail being driven into the coffin before it is sealed shut forever. Everything is still save *His* breathing. Those hands are on my shoulders, pushing me down onto something soft. I know what comes next and I shudder. “You know what to do,” he says and I know that my torture is only just beginning.
“Oh, Christ! Not this again.” Simon staggered out of bed and reached for the light switch while grumbling to himself. “It’s the third time this week. Why can’t he just smother himself with the bloody pillow.” As he reached the door, he wondered why he didn’t switch rooms with one of the others. Because he’s your best friend, he acknowledged, and you want to be there for him if he needs you.
Damn! He’d locked the door again, which was so unlike the Robert he knew. All these years and he’d never done that. It had only been in the past few nights, he realized. Pounding on the door, he prepared to break it down, when it suddenly swung open and reveled a bleary-eyed Robert. His hair was in a tangled disarray-not in the usual carefully concocted way he wore it; it had the look of someone who had been tossing and turning all night. His grey eyes were haunted and punctuated by the ever darkening circles underneath. Wordlessly, he nodded and wearily plodded back to the bed.
Simon sat down next to Robert and reached over to hold his hand. Robert flinched like he was on fire and pulled his hand away so quickly it was as if he had been burned. He clasped his hands tightly together in his lap and cleared his throat before speaking in a weary voice. “I’m sorry, Si.” He looked down at the floor and squeezed his eyes shut. “Maybe you should get a different room so I won’t keep waking you.”
“Robin, what’s wrong?”, Simon asked concerned. A silent head shake was the only response. He sighed. “You want me to give you something to help you sleep? I’ve got a couple of sleepers if you need ‘em.”
“No, s’okay. I’ll be fine,” Robert stated unconvincingly. They both knew he was still lying.
************************
I can’t breathe. He’s so close, I’m gagging. Why me, I wonder for the millionth time. I can smell the sweat coming off of him and it’s making me sick. I feel like retching and I try to pull away, but he keeps holding me down with those iron hands. “You’re not going anywhere until you’re done,” he grunts. I’m dying inside and I wonder how much longer he’ll keep me here. The noise is deafening and I feel the blood rushing in my ears. I won’t cry…I won’t cry…I won’t cry. His hands tighten around the back of my head and I silently continue my mantra. I won’t cry…I won’t cry…I won’t-BLECH!!!
“This can’t keep going on,” Porl said in a low voice. “You can’t sleep--he can’t sleep.”
Simon snuck a quick glance in Robert’s direction. “I know, I know. But what can I do? He won’t tell me anything--he won’t tell you anything.” He watched Robert for a moment. “Look at him. He’s barely able to stand up, he’s so tired.”
Porl looked thoughtful. “Well, maybe you should try sleeping with him.”
“WHAT?!?!?”
“Oh, come on Simon. I didn’t mean have sex with him--although you can’t tell me that thought hasn’t crossed your mind.” He winked. “What I really meant was just try cuddling with him until he settles down enough to fall asleep.”
Simon considered that. On one hand, he desperately wanted that closeness with Robert. They were best friends, but Simon wanted more than a simple platonic relationship. He’d never spoken about it with Robert and wasn’t sure how he would react to the idea. On the other hand, he wasn’t sure that either of them would be able to actually sleep if he followed Porl’s suggestion.
***********************
I really couldn’t help it. I tried, I honestly did, but it was so disgusting that I couldn’t keep it from spilling out. He’s angry. I can tell by his mottled face and the redness of his ears. CRACK!!! My eyes well up as my cheek burns where he hit me. “You’re worthless. Can’t even do it properly,” he shouts as he grabs my hair by the fistfull and yanks my head back. I feel something on my throat and realise it’s his other hand. My eyes open wide as the pressure increases. OH MY GOD!!! He’s squeezing...I can’t breathe... someone help me...I’m choaking...my eyes roll back into my head and everything goes dark.
“HELP ME!!!”
What the hell?!?!? Simon sprang up and looked around wildly. His heart felt as if it was pounding right out of his chest and he gasped for breath. He felt the bed shaking and saw Robert curled up in a tight ball, shivering and sobbing. He’s having that nightmare again. “Robin...Robin,” he said trying to gently arouse him. “It’s not real.” He stopped moving, but remained in the fetal position. Simon leaned over to whisper in his ear, “I’m here and it’s o.k.” Without warning, a hand whacked him in the mouth and he cried out in pain. He reached down to shake him roughly, while raising his voice and yelling repeatedly at him to wake up. Robert’s eyes immediately sprang open and he threw off the covers and scrambled to his feet.
Yanking the duvet from his head, Simon tried to figure out what had just happened. Then he heard the sobbing again and found Robert huddled in the corner of the room. His hands were holding his knees to his chest and his face was buried against his legs. Simon was stunned to see his best friend rocking back and forth as if he were in a trance. As he got closer, he could barely hear the raspy voice. “Please help me...please help me...please!” Wiping the blood from his mouth, he sat on the floor and quietly said, “I’ll help you, Robin. I’ll help you.” Finally, the head lifted and he saw those haunted watery eyes. Robert slowly shook his head and whispered, “You can’t, Si, but I wish you could.”
************************
This was the start of a nightly pattern. Each evening, he would sit with Robert and they’d have a nightcap before curling up together in the king size bed. At times, it seemed as if there was an invisible wall between them; every time Simon tried to inch a little closer, Robert pulled away until he was clinging to the edge of the bed. Finally, he’d give up and let Robert have the space he seemed to need before they both fell into an uneasy sleep.
Somewhere in the middle of the night, the nightmares would begin and Simon would spend the rest of his time trying to soothe his friend and also avoid the flying fists that he would sometimes be too tired to dodge. It was no wonder that, in the space of a few days, Simon began to look as haggard as the man he was trying to help.
“Why won’t you ever tell me about the nightmares,” Simon inquired after a particularly bad episode.
Robert lowered his eyes and shook his head. “I just can’t, is all,” he stated emphatically. “ ‘Sides, I don’t usually remember them anyway.”
“That’s bullocks and we both know it! I’m here to help you, but you keep pushing me away. Why, Robin? Why?” Robert never answered.
*********************
I came to and found him looming over me. He must have moved me to the bed, because I’m laying down. I hear a rustling and cringe. He’s removing the rest of his clothes. “Let me show you how it’s done,” he growls. This is what I fear most. His hands are unzipping my trousers. “Please, no,” I beg. I hear his ugly laugh. “Oh, no, Boy. Tonight, you’re all mine.”
************************
They were sitting at the bar--two dark heads leaning close together, occassionally touching as each sipped his drink. Simon had thought it a good idea to go out for a bit and went to the nearest pub to get totally and completely sloshed. He hadn’t counted on Robert having the same idea, but was pleased to find him at the bar. From the look of him, he’d been there quite some time and was already halfway beyond sober. Simon took the stool to his left and sat, quietly staring into his glass. After a few minutes, Robert looked up and greeted him with a big sloppy smile. “Hey, Soz, when’d you get here?” Robert slurred.
“Few minutes ago. Seems you started a while ago. Are you totally pissed yet?”
“Nah, but I’m working on it,” he chuckled.
They began lining up the empties on the counter in front of them, until there was no more room. Figuring that was the signal that it was time to leave, Simon rose from his stool just in time to catch Robert falling off his. Those blue-grey eyes were slightly unfocused and staring up at him and he felt his mouth go dry. Robert was finally in his arms, although not in the way he wished. He swallowed the huge lump that had formed in his throat, intent on speaking, until Robert intervened by delicately wrapping his arms around his neck and tipping his head back to expose his creamy throat. Simon’s eyes darkened with lust and he could no longer restrain his passion. It was the most natural thing in the world to lower his lips to that smooth alabaster skin and kiss Robert’s adam’s apple. He felt the hands on his neck tighten their grip and he began to suck on the tender flesh. He heard, rather than saw, those lush red lips part and felt the tinest whisper of breath that escaped in a quiet gasp. The loud sound of someone clearing his throat reminded Simon of their current location.
“Sir, will the two of you be needing a ride?,” the bartender said in a humourous tone.
Simon blushed, “Uh, yeah. That would be good, right Robin?”
“Ummmm hmmm,” he said groggily.
The ride back to the hotel was uneventful. Simon kept replaying the feeling of Robert in his arms over and over in his mind, while Robert dozed off and on. This is the way it should be, Simon thought contentedly. It should always be a night like this.
*******************
I try to lie still, but he is so skilled and my body betrays me. He removed my clothing and left me exposed to his whims. His hands are on me everywhere--oh please don’t let him... “Ahh,” I gasp as his lips close around me. My hips lift up and I thrust inside his mouth. It feels so good I can’t hold back and I stop resisting. “Yessss,” I cry out as I finally let go and fully experience my pleasure. “You liked that didn’t you?” he hisses as he slaps my face again, the stinging bringing tears to my eyes. He reaches down and forces my legs apart and I tremble in fear. “That’s right,” he says, “you should be afraid. I’m gonna make you bleed.” My eyes widen in apprehension. “Spread ‘em wider, Boy!” he orders and I feel him against me. His weight is crushing me and I’m trapped underneath him. He’s sweating and grunting and I’m dying inside. Oh, God, NO!!! I howl silently as he savagely pushes into me. It hurts and I can’t stop the tears from pouring forth. He’s pounding into me so roughly I feel like I’m being ripped apart and I can no longer hold back my screams. “Oh, yeah Boy! Scream for me! Scream!”
“Robin...wake up!” Robert jerked awake and found Simon holding him down. He panicked and tried to push the lanky body off him, but was held down harder.
“GET OFF ME!” he yelled and kneed Simon in the groin.
“WHAT THE FUCK’S THE MATTER WITH YOU!” He couldn’t believe he was just kicked in the balls by his best friend. The pain was excruciating and he resisted the urge to punch Robert in retaliation. Once the pain dulled, he took a good look at the man he’d previously considered unflappable. Robert’s eyes were wild with terror and his teeth were chattering. He seemed to have withdrawn into himself and was unaware of his surroundings. Simon approached him tentatively. “Rob,” he said softly. “Robert, look at me. It’s ok. I’m here. You’re safe. No one’s gonna hurt you, I promise.” Glassy eyes turned in his direction. Feeling hopeful, Simon stroked the tangled raven locks. Immediately, his hand was slapped away and Robert huddled against the headboard. At a loss, he sat quietly waiting for Robert to respond to his continued presence.
“Si?” The voice was hoarse and warbly. “I’m sorry,” Robert began to sob. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know,” Simon acknowledged, “but this has got to stop now. What would have happened if I hadn’t been here,” he asked.
“Nothing would’ve happened.”
“Robin, you were screaming--screaming, Robert. Whatever this dream is you’re having, it’s taking over your life. You can’t keep going on like this.”
“I know.”
Why can’t I stop this? This nightmare was ruining his life and he knew it, but was hopelessly trapped. I need to find a way to free him from this spell and make it all go away.
“Simon...?” Robert trailed off. He wanted to ask something but was unsure if he should.
“Yes?”
Robert cleared his throat but remained silent. He just couldn’t get the words to come out of his mouth and looked imploringly at Simon, hoping he’d get the hint.
He’d never seen Robert so hesitant and Simon found it endearing. He spoke so calmly in what he hoped was an encouraging tone. “What is it Robin?”
“I was wondering if...I mean...would you...umm...you can say no if you want...you don’t have to, I mean...I won’t be upset or anything...”
“For Christ’s sake, Robin. Just say whatever it is you want to say,” Simon snapped a bit impatiently.
“Well...um...would you maybe...kiss me again?” he stammered.
Simon felt his breath hitch. Was he actually hearing Robert ask to be kissed? By him? He needed to be sure he wasn’t dreaming. “You want me to kiss you?” His answer was a brief nod. “Are you sure?” Another nod. “A lover’s kiss?”
“Simon, just please kiss me,” Robert pleaded. “Before I lose my nerve,” he added under his breath.
Simon moved closer and reached out, catching himself before making contact. He didn’t want to scare Robert or get hurt himself. “I’m going to touch you, ok?” Seeing no forthcoming violent reaction, he relaxed and reached out to brush a stray lock of ebony hair from the pale cheek. He was utterly captivated by the man in front of him. When they were much younger, he’d thought his feelings were a type of hero worship and admiration. Somewhere along the line, he realised his feelings were of a more romantic nature. He became absolutely sure when Robert got married and he recognized his jealousy. Although he hid his passion well, it nevertheless had an impact on his life. Two failed marriages and a drug addiction were an indirect result of the desires he harboured. Now, finally, he could express some of what he carried inside for so long.
He gently cupped Robert’s chin and pulled their faces closer until they were almost touching. He could feel his friend’s nervousness and whispered, “It’s ok, Robin,” before threading his free hand into that glorious hair. He smiled as he felt trembling hands encircle his neck. Robert’s tentative touch made Simon’s heart burst and he slowly pressed his lips against that luscious mouth. It was absolute bliss--an utterly perfect moment.
They continued to kiss softly for a few moments until Robert felt bolder and tapped Simon’s closed mouth with the tip of his tongue. Before he knew it, their tongues were dueling in a primitive dance that caused the temperature in the room to increase by several degrees. Their passion increased and their touches became bolder. Simon opened the top buttons of Robert’s shirt and, sliding it from his shoulders, rained kisses over the smooth, silky skin. Robert’s head was thrown back and he was panting and clawing at Simon’s thin shirt in a desperate attempt gain more contact. He was in ecstasy until he felt hands fumbling with the waistband of his pants. He abruptly pulled away, almost knocking Simon to the floor. “No, Si,” he panted.
Simon was incredulous. “Robin, why?” he whined as he tried to regain the closeness they’d previously shared. Robert stopped him with a hand to his chest. “No, Si. I just can’t.”
“But why?”
“Please don’t ask me, Si,” he pleaded. “Just don’t.”
Simon sighed and turned off the light as Robert turned to his side and silently cried in the dark.
*******************
It was finally finished and he heaved his large sweaty body off me and out of the bed. Shivering, I curled up underneath the scratchy blanket and waited for him to leave. “You filthy little whore.” Why was he still here? Didn’t he get what he wanted from me? I could feel his alcohol-laced breath in my ear as he whispered his poison. “Such a good little fuck-and all mine. No one will ever have you the way I do.” I closed my eyes and tried to block his words out of my head. “My pretty little slut-such a good little toy. It’s all your fault, you know. If you weren’t so desirable, I wouldn’t bother with you. You make me do this.” I continued to lay there silently while he ranted. “Such a pretty boy-always tempting me-and you love it-making me want you, don’t you? DON’T YOU?” CRACK! My face was on fire and the sound echoed horribly throughout the room. “You’ll answer me when I speak to you!” WHACK! My eye was exploding and I saw stars. “You love it when I lose control.” Another slap to my face left my brain buzzing and my ears ringing. “Tell me how much you love me…TELL ME!” he screamed. Choaking on my tears, I forced myself to say the words he wanted to hear-the words to end this torture. “I love you-I love you.” At last, he was satisfied. I heard his footsteps as he left the room, finally leaving me alone in my torment-at least until the next time.
***********************
“Do you remember anything ‘funny’ ever happening when Robert was younger?” Porl had know him for at least as long as I had and, at one time, was closer to him than I was.
“Not that I can recall, why?”
“You know how he’s been having those nightmares?” Porl nodded. “I’ve been thinking about that and about how he is after he wakes up,” I paused, “and then there was the other night…” I trailed off, wondering how much information I wanted to share.
Porl raised his eyebrows, “and just what happened last night, young man?” I blushed. “Oh, I see you took my advice, literally,” he grinned.
“Not exactly.” I proceeded to tell him a very abbreviated version of what happened, leaving out all the descriptive details, much to his disappointment.
“Still can’t really think of anything, but you know what I think you should do?” I shook my head. “Ask him. He knows you care about him-if he’d tell anybody about what’s going on in his head, it’d be you.”
*******************
Robert leadenly walked to the bed and wearily dropped onto the thick matress. He closed his eyes and braced himself for the inevitable battle to begin again, when he heard Simon’s soft voice cut through the darkness.
“Robin, you awake?”
“Unfortunately,” Robert replied dryly. He could hear his friend’s breathing and thought Simon had fallen asleep.
“You know you can tell me anything, right? I mean, no matter what it is, and I wouldn’t tell anyone.”
“What do you mean?” Robert asked slowly.
“I mean about the nightmares-about what happened.”
Robert abruptly sat up in bed and reached for the light next to him on the nightstand. “What are you on about?” he accused in an angry tone. “Just what is it you’re trying to say, Simon? I’ve already told you I don’t want to talk about it and that I don’t really remember much about my dreams anyway.”
“And I still say that’s bullshit.” He rose to his feet and came around to Robert’s side of the bed. “It’s not just what you say-it’s how you act when you’re awake. I know something’s bothering you-that something must have happened and it’s giving you nightmares. Now, you have a choice-you can keep suffering until you drive everyone away including me, or you can talk to me-to the one person who won’t judge anything you tell me and won’t repeat it. Just tell me what’s going on in your head and then we won’t talk about it again.” He waited until the silence was deafening before adding, “please, Robin. You’re making me…”
“I’m making you, what, Simon? Robert shouted. “What am I doing to you, hmm? Am I making you crazy? Making you wish you’d never set eyes on me? Making you lose control?” he sneered.
Simon was nonplussed. “Where did that come from and what the hell are you talking about, Robin?”
Robert continued as if he didn’t hear him. “People are always blaming me for their actions-as if I have any control over what they do. It’s not my fault-IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!”
The figure loomed over him as it always did, but he wouldn’t let it intimidate him. This time it would be different. He reached over and grabbed Simon and pulled him down.
“What the hell are you doing?” Simon yelled.
“SHUT UP!” Robert growled. “It’s your turn now.” He slapped Simon’s cheek until it was bright red. In his shock, Simon remained still and waited to see what his friend would do next. “Now, who’s the pretty whore, huh? Should I give you what you deserve?” He ripped Simon’s shirt open, popping the buttons off in his haste. “Oh, what a pretty little boy,” he crooned as he forcefully flipped him over and pushed his face into the pillow.
Robert could hear muttering coming from underneath him, but it remained an indistinct sound. He remained focused on the task before him, unaware of his surroundings. He felt the quivering form of his tormentor as he jerked the sleep trousers down and ran his hands over smooth warm flesh.
Oh, my God! What is he doing? Simon thought as Robert’s hands massaged his ass. This is too surreal. Realisation dawning on him, he knew he had to regain his friend’s attention. “Robin…ROBERT!” He began struggling in an attempt to turn over on his back. “ROBERT-STOP THIS!” He started kicking and thrashing until he felt the hands retreat. Quickly flipping over to face his friend, he found him immoble and staring back petrified. “Robin,” he spoke slowly, “it’s Simon. It’s o.k. now-it’s o.k.”
“Si…mon?” Robert squeaked. “Oh, God…” his voice broke as the tears came. “I don’t…my God…I’m sorry…so sorry.” He rocked back and forth, repeating “I’m sorry” over and over until Simon gently lifted his chin and looked him in the eyes.
“I think I know what happened,” Simon softly stated. “Talk to me.”
“Si, I don’t…” Robert hesitated.
“Robert,” Simon said firmly. “You just tried to rape me.” He felt rather than saw Robert flinch as he spoke. “We have to talk about this now, before things get worse.” He stared deep into the terrified blue-grey eyes and said simply, “It’s time.”
Gulping loudly, Robert nodded. “O.K.”
*****************
I couldn’t believe it. My best friend, at the tender age of 13, had been visciously raped by his uncle-and no one ever knew-not me, not his sister, not even his parents. As he poured his heart and soul out to me, I realised what it cost for him to finally admit this terrible secret. I felt honoured to know that I was the only person he trusted enough to share this with. When his tears were finally spent, I gently held him and stroked his dark hair.
“Si,” he whispered softly. I made an encouraging sound. “I’m glad I told you.”
“Me, too, Robin…me too,” I smiled sadly as I pulled him closer. The steady rhythm of his breath told me that he was finally relaxed.
We both slept soundly for the first time in weeks.
the end.