i stood on the mountain and screamed your name right till the end.
so i dont know what to do anymore. i have so many things going threw my mind on a constant basis its so hard to even consentrate on the people around me. sometimes i just zone out and miss a whole couple sentances from a person because i got half a dozen thoughts going at once. sigh. its really taking a toll on me. i keep thinking about the money problems im having. how im fucking 15000 dollars in debt from my credit cards and my car. how im sapose to be in college right now working on my physics degree. how my car is bearly able to run without breaking. how iv fucked up so many of my friendships just to create alot of half assed associate people. how my mom is still about to lose the house. how my brother and sister both need me to be there to help them grow up. how i saw my sister had a bunch of cut marks on her arm. how the love of my life sits next to me every day and i make her feel like i dont value the time i see her. how i spend all my fucking money on electronics that i bearly use and none of my friends really give a shit that i bought all that fucking electronics just to make sure people want to hang out with me. how i dont eat fucking well enough and every time i look at the mirror i feel like i lost another fucking 5 pounds and maybe the next 5 pounds might be my last. the fucking addiction i have to making myself feel numb. and this is just half the shit. its not even taking into consideration all the people i worry about on a daily basis. the friends that i use to be so damn close to and now i might see them once a month. i dont even fucking want to go threw with this college shit. i just want to find a decent 9-5 job and just live with her. ugh. and this whole time ive tried my hardest to keep myself from being so attached... and all it did was make it worse. make me bottle it up more. fuck. i hate how i deal with shit. sigh. so what do i do. i fucking sit in this hotel im not even paying for and just fucking sob in front of this laptop that i didnt need to buy. smoking the cig that i didnt have the money to buy. i feel like iv let my parents down by becoming this piece of shit that i am. waisting my dads money on college. blarg. ugh im so fucking numb. im sorry to those iv grown farther from. i dont know if its even for the better or worse. a large part of me says its better so that if i just get up and dissappear then people wouldnt be as attached to me and wouldnt get hurt. sigh. still considerate to others all the way to the end. sigh. i hope no one reads this. i really do. i wont even re-read this. sigh. it sorta made me feel better to write all this. now im too numb to feel. witch is better then fucking feeling all of the above at once. o well. not like any of that is going away. might as well go to sleep. my only refuge from this fucked up life.