Fastlane Fic: What If SLASH
Title: What If
Author: Ice Bear
Fandom: Fastlane
Warning: m/m
Summary: Deaq and Van struggle with their relationship after a bust goes bad.
Disclaimer: All things related to Fastlane belong to others. I borrow the boys solely for my own entertainment purposes.
The bust had gone bad quickly. Not because anyone figured out they were cops - but because somebody else decided they wanted the drugs. One moment Deaq had been opening up a briefcase full of money, and the next he was shoved none too gently to the floor by his partner as gunfire filled the air.
Van had caught the uneasy looks on the faces of the two ‘bouncer boys’ who had a view of the entrance behind him, and when he saw one reach for his gun he had pounced on his partner, not sure what was about to go down but knowing it wasn’t going to be good.
Before his forward motion stopped, he had his gun out laying down fire to give them time to find cover. Deaq followed suit and together they made it behind some barrels off to their right. “What the hell?” Deaq asked as he fought to catch his breath.
“Not sure. I saw Tweedle Dumb reach for his gun after he caught sight of something he didn’t like behind us- and it couldn’t have been our guys cause the exchange hadn’t happened yet,” Van whispered back between shots, his voice high and tight. “To tell you the truth, I have no idea who I'm supposed to be shooting at."
Deaq took at quick look around - anyone coming up from behind would make a lot of noise and there was, thankfully, no overhead balcony or catwalk in the cavernous room so they couldn’t be taken from above. “I think we should stay put - Billie and the boys will come get us - and here we just have to defend our front and the left.”
“Okay by me. Billie if you can still hear us (they were both wired) we're to the right of the main door, approximately 15 yards back behind a series of blue and yellow metal barrels. Please remind your team that we’re on your side this time. Deaq, you need to take a few shots, I have to reload,” Van said, his eyes still on the battle raging in front of them.
Deaq popped up, firing carefully, as Van squatted behind the barrels and changed clips. He nudged Deaq when he was ready, and they changed positions. This allowed them to keep an eye both on the front as well as to their left flank.
When they finally heard Billie yell, “LAPD, the place is surrounded, everybody down on the ground,” they exchanged a grin. The gunfire intensified for several minutes as the SWAT team moved swiftly into the room and began taking down those who would not surrender. Deaq and Van kept a watchful eye out as their black clad teammates swept the warehouse.
Once the all clear had been given, Deaq stepped slowly into the open and headed toward their boss. “What the hell happened?” she yelled.
“Don’t know for sure - who are those guys?” He responded, gesturing toward two dead men in jeans and t-shirts. “They definitely weren’t on the invitation list.”
“Where’s Van?” Billie asked, as her eyes swept the area again.
“Hey Van, boss wants you.” Deaq called, his mind still worrying over the two bodies. When his partner didn’t materialize he moved back toward the barrels. “Yo V, you taking a nap or something?”
“Deaq, I…I need a little help here.”
There was something in the tone that made Deaq quicken his pace. What he found when he got behind the barrels stopped him short. Van lay propped up against a barrel, both hands plastered on top of a pool of blood emanating from the left side of his chest. “Get an ambulance,” he yelled as he dropped to his knees beside his partner.
“Baby,” he whispered as he reached a hand out to cup the side of Van’s face.
“Sorry Deaq, guess I zigged when I should’ve zagged,” Van whispered, the grin he was going for lost in a grimace of pain.
“When’d you get hit?” He asked as he gently removed his partner’s hands and replaced them with his own. “I need that ambulance now!” he bellowed.
“Don't know, must have been before we made it to the barrels.” Van’s breathing was becoming erratic, and his green eyes sought reassurance.
“I got you baby, not to worry. Just need you to slow down your breathing a little. Can you do that for me?” Deaq kept his voice calm, even though he was beyond scared. Van was getting paler by the second, and he could literally feel his partner’s life blood slipping through his hands as he pushed down harder on the wound.
“Don’t look so worried Deaq,” Van said slowly as he fought to catch his breath, “I’m not going anywhere.” He was trying hard not to give into the pain and pass out. He didn’t want to add to the look of fear on his partner's face.
“You’d better not be,” Deaq said gruffly, “I finally got you trained.”
“Yeah, like that could happen,” Van responded swatting wearily in his partner’s direction.
“Baby, don’t leave me, please.” Deaq leaned in and whispered in Van’s ear just before the medics pushed him aside. He sat back on the floor alternating his look between his partner and the bloody hands in his lap. He couldn’t begin to understand how he had missed the fact that Van had been shot. Granted, the black shirt Van was wearing didn’t show the blood, but he should have noticed something.
Billie stopped for a moment to look at her two men. Van had finally given into the pain and was unconscious. Deaq looked so lost sitting back against a barrel, staring at his blood covered hands, she was afraid he was going into shock. She stepped over to his side and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Come on Deaq, let’s get you outside and cleaned up a little - don’t want Van to see you covered with blood - you know how he gets when you get your clothes dirty.” She kept her voice light as she reached to help him up. When he looked like he was going to argue she continued, “I don’t want him to come to in the ambulance and see you with all this blood - he'll think its’ yours. I’ll have you cleaned up before they’re ready to move him, not to worry.”
Van roused briefly in the ER and asked for his partner. The doctor tried to ignore the request, but the injured man was insistent. A nurse came out and found Deaq who followed her silently into the small trauma room.
“V, why you giving the doc here such a hard time?” Deaq teased softly as he squatted at eye level beside the table.
“Couldn’t…couldn’t remember…needed to make sure you were okay.” Van panted softly, his green eyes pinned on his partner.
“I’m not the one who lost at dodge the bullet. Going to have to put in some serious training time with you on that one, man.” Deaq placed his hand on the pale cheek, and the patient sighed as he leaned into it.
“You need to call your mom and cancel dinner. Don’t want her going to all that trouble…”
“Yeah, I’ll take care of it. But don’t think this gets you out of that gig permanently…” he smiled warmly into the green eyes.
“Don’t want to get out of it. Just don’t know if she’ll make chocolate cake twice…” he managed a small smile.
“I don’t think you have to worry about that partner. Just concentrate on getting better, okay. The doc says he won’t do too much rearranging, so if you behave and do what he says, I should be able to spring you in a day or two.” The doctor motioned for him to leave but Deaq wasn’t sure he could pull himself away. “I got to go now. They’re ready to take you up to the OR. Just remember I’ll be waiting for ya, so don’t think you can…” He couldn’t continue.
“You can’t get rid of me that easy. Besides, I need a new shirt, and I know how much you love shopping with me,” Van tried to ease the concern on the face before him. “I love you, Deaqon.”
“I love you too Van, and I’ll be waiting,” he wasn’t sure his partner had heard him as the eyes closed before he finished. “Don’t you dare leave me, partner,” he whispered as he leaned closer and placed a kiss on the pale cheek.
Before moving up to the OR waiting room, Deaq went out into the parking lot so he could use his phone. “Hey Mom,” he choked as he heard his mother’s voice.
“Deaqon, what’s wrong?” she asked immediately, her tone bringing her husband to her side.
“Can’t…not going to make dinner tonight,” Deaq couldn’t find the words to finish his thought as he stood facing a corner of the building so no one could see his tears.
“Baby, tell me what’s wrong,” his mother crooned gently.
“Van he’s…the bust got messed up…”
“Deaqon, where are you,” Mr. Hayes asked as he picked up the other extension.
“Memorial Hospital.”
“We’ll be there in 20 minutes. Where can we find you?”
“OR waiting room, 4th floor.”
“You just hold on son, we’ll be there as fast as we can.” Mrs. Hayes said before hanging up. “Linc you don’t think…” she couldn’t finish.
“I don’t know, but if Van’s in surgery it means there’s still hope, and our son needs someone to remind him of that, let’s go.”
Deaq moved into his mother’s embrace when they found him 30 minutes later. She held him tightly while Mr. Hayes went to talk with Billie. Once he had the story he moved back to his son’s side. “Deaqon, let’s sit down over here.” Mr. Hayes led his family to an empty corner and squatted in front of his son. “The Lt. told me what happened. She said the doctor’s confident that Van will be okay. You need to hold onto that right now son.”
“Dad…you didn’t see him …there was so much blood,” Deaq stopped and shook his head. “I didn’t even know he was hit…”
“You really don’t think Van is just going to give up do you? That simply isn’t in his DNA. You know that up here,” he said tapping his son’s head, “so get your heart in gear with your brain. He needs you to be thinking positive right now.”
“Your father is right, Deaqon. They don’t come any tougher than your partner. And considering all the things he’s overcome, I don’t believe he’s going to let a bullet stop him. Especially when he knows you’re waiting for him.”
That brought Deaqon’s head up. “What? How did…”
“We’re a little slow son, but we’re not blind. That man in there loves you with all he’s got. And according to your mother - who I might add is never wrong - you feel the same way about him. Isn’t that what you were planning on telling us at dinner tonight?”
“Yeah, but.” Deaq was thoroughly confused. “You’re not upset?”
“Should we be?” His mother replied with a smile.
“We won’t be giving you any grandkids,” was the first thing he could think to say, and that earned him a laugh from both parents.
“I think we can handle that son, as long as you’re happy. And Van makes you happy.” Mr. Hayes answered once he stopped laughing. “Now why don’t you and I go get your mother and Lt. Chambers a cup of coffee. I know I could use one.”
Deaq felt his father’s steadying hand on his back three hours later when the doctor appeared, and told them that Van was going to be fine. He was sure if his father’s arm hadn’t pulled him into a hug that he would have fallen to his knees in relief. When he was finally allowed into the patient’s room, he pulled a chair up to the bed side, but before sitting he moved his hand softly over the still too pale face and stroked a cheek with his thumb. “Damn Van, you really could give a guy a little warning next time you decide to play catch with a bullet. Scared me bad, baby,” he finished as he grabbed hold of his partner’s hand.
It was almost sunrise when Deaq realized the patient was moving. He gingerly stood up and stretched his back before placing a hand on each shoulder. “Hey V, you need to stay still. Everything’s okay, but doc says you’re gonna be pretty sore for a few days.” He was rewarded with a hint of green as the eyes slowly fought their way open. “Good morning baby, how ya feeling?”
“Deeaaaqqq,” it came out almost in the form of a question as he tried to get his brain around the fact that his partner was staring down at him as opposed to being beside him in bed.
“Right here baby. Everything’s okay.”
“Where?”
“The hospital. Bust went south, remember?”
“Oh.” The eyes focused more firmly on the face in front of him. “Okay?”
“Yeah baby, now that I know you are.” Van went back to sleep.
Deaq returned to the chair and followed his partner’s lead.
Mr. and Mrs. Hayes came to visit that afternoon and found their son arguing with his partner. “Boys,” Mrs. Hayes interrupted, “what’s with all the shouting?” The two men looked at each other and then at Deaq’s mother. “Mom” “Mrs H” both said at the same time.
“Is there a problem?” Mr. Hayes asked.
“No,” Van said, “except that your stubborn son won’t go home. Seems he doesn’t think I'm capable of staying out of trouble long enough for him to take a shower and a nap.” Van sounded appropriately put out, and Mrs. Hayes had to turn her head to hide the smile the petulant tone brought out.
“Well, I think we can solve that one for you,” Mr. Hayes said smiling at his wife.
“He’s going to agree with me.” Deaq crowed, hands on hips.
“Why don’t you go home with your mother for a few hours, and I’ll stay here with Van.”
“I don’t need a babysitter,” and “I can’t believe you’re taking his side” came out at the same time. Both Hayes started to laugh, earning them a dirty look from their son and finally a chuckle from the patient.
“I think that’s a great idea, sir.” Van said, smiling sweetly up at his partner.
“You are so going to pay for this,” Deaq threatened although his smile took the sting out of the words. “Alright Dad, if you’re sure you want to be stuck with this monster for a few hours. Mom, did you get around to making your famous triple layer chocolate cake?”
“You wouldn’t!” Van gasped out.
“Think maybe I could have a couple of pieces after my nap?”
“Of course son.”
“Fine,” Van said, a pout prominent on his face, “leave me trapped here and run off and eat. Guess I know where I rate with you.” He turned his face away from his partner, but not before the Hayes’ caught his grin.
“Van, geeze you’re the one who’s kicking me out.” Deaq’s hands flipped up in a gesture of surrender. “V, come on man, I didn’t mean…” Van turned back to his partner and his smile gave him away. “Why you little…”
“Careful Deaqon you’re mother’s in the room,” Mr. Hayes said.
“I give up! You”, Deaq said leaning over his partner “behave for my dad.” He kissed him gently and laughed at the blush his action brought forth.
Van reached up and pulled him down by his shirt so they were forehead to forehead “You just, you kissed me in front of your parents,” he squeaked, clearly freaked.
Deaq kissed him again. “Forgot to tell you, they figured it out all by themselves.”
“And they’re not mad?” Van asked.
“Mom, Dad, you mad about the fact that I love this long haired, slightly demented, white boy?” Deaq asked, enjoying the look of complete and utter horror now painted on his partner’s face.
“Deaqon, stop torturing the poor boy,” Mrs. Hayes ordered as she stepped up to the side of the bed. “Donovan Ray, should we be mad?”
He blushed a dark red that had everyone in the room roaring. “No ma’am, I…it’s just…”
Mrs. Hayes took pity on the patient. She leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. “I’m just happy my thick headed son finally figured out he had the real thing right in front of him. I couldn’t be happier.”
“I’ll take good care of him, I promise,” Van said so only she could hear.
“I know you will baby boy. Now you get some rest, and when I bring Deaqon back, I’ll sneak you in some cake. How would that be?”
“Thanks Mrs. H.”
“You might as well call me mom, that’s what all my sons-in-law call me,” and she smiled when she was rewarded with another blush.
After a shower, four hours of sleep and two large pieces of cake, Deaq was on his way back to the hospital with his mother. “Mom?”
“What is it Deaqon?”
“You sure you’re really okay about…with Van and me?”
“Absolutely. Are you?”
“What, of course I am. What kind of question is that?” The long arms wrapped around his chest.
“I saw the way Van looks at you Deaq. I just want to make sure you understand what this will do to him if you change your mind.”
“Do to him? Glad you’re worried about him! Have you stopped to figure out what I’m going to do when he comes to his senses and realizes he can do so much better then me?” He has not amused that his deepest fear was met with laughter.
“Oh Deaqon. Van is in this for the long haul. Dre used to worry that Van would never find someone to love - let me rephrase that, he worried that Van had been hurt so many times that he would never let himself trust anyone enough to love them. Van’s trust in you is…is unshakeable. It has been from the start. It’s like he knew…”
“Mom, you don’t understand. My relationship skills aren’t that good - hell their nonexistent. I spent nine years in New York on my own, alone. I don’t know what I’m doing here - I’m playing this all by ear!”
“And if the look your partner gave you today is any indication, you’re doing just fine.”
“You don’t understand.”
“When we walk into that hospital room, I want you to look - really look - at Van.” She held one hand off the wheel to stop the interruption. “Just take a really good look. If you still don’t get it, we’ll talk some more.”
Deaq hung back as his mother walked into the room. He stayed just outside the door watching. Van’s face lit up when he saw Mrs. Hayes, but his eyes strayed immediately behind her when he didn’t see his partner. “Hey V, I trust you behaved yourself.” The green eyes immediately hooked on his and the light and the warmth they carried hit him hard. His mother was right, he thought as he shook his head slightly, before stooping over and giving a gentle kiss to the man he loved.
They were home, finally, after three days in the hospital. Van had gotten increasingly fussy as he was forced to stay in bed. In the past Deaq had been known to break him out, but not this time. He had been too scared, and wanted to make sure the doctor said it was okay before he took Van home.
Van hated hospitals. Deaq knew there was a history behind it, but wasn’t sure he was ready to hear it. He had learned over time that when his usually easy going partner disliked something, it tended to be the result of a painful episode somewhere in his past. But they were home now, and once they got situated in bed - Van insisting they change sides for a few days so he could lay on his side and still see Deaq - they both breathed a sigh of contentment.
Deaq had a nightmare that night - Van was standing in front of him, bleeding profusely from several bullet wounds, but was insisting he was fine. He was screaming when Van finally got through to him. He was shaking and flinched away from the comfort Van tried to offer. Deaq started pacing the length of the room, ignoring his partner. Van lay back down slowly, his eyes focused on the ceiling.
Deaq’s pacing eventually slowed and his eyes focused on the bed. Van was still staring at the ceiling and that brought Deaq up short. “Van?”
“Don’t even think about getting back in this bed till you tell me what the hell is going on in that head of yours!” Van ordered his eyes still tight on the ceiling. He was trying desperately to keep the tears at bay. Deaq had never rejected his touch before, and he had no idea how to deal with it.
“V, come on man.”
“No. You need to tell me what the problem is.” The voice was still hard, and Deaq couldn’t see the eyes so he couldn’t gauge the depth of the problem.
“Just had a nightmare man, not a big deal. Not like you've never had one.” Deaq could have kicked himself. That was unfair, and he knew it. Van had suppressed a lot of hurt over the years and sometimes those hurts bubbled out in the form of screaming nightmares that left Deaq holding Van tightly until morning.
“You never have nightmares so it is a big deal. And clearly, it had something to do with me - you were screaming at me before you woke up, so tell me.”
Deaq’s head dropped. “You were standing in front of me in the warehouse, blood from four or five bullet wounds streaming down your chest. I ask if you're okay and you tell me you’re just fine.”
The shaggy head turned to look at him - the green eyes hidden in the shadows of the room. “I swear to God I didn’t know I’d been hit - didn’t even feel anything until the SWAT team leader cleared the scene. I would have told you Deaq.”
“Like hell, how could you not know you’d been hit!” Deaq yelled, the pain and fear of those long hours of not knowing what would happen to his partner finally coming out.
“I was running on adrenaline - - it just never --when you stepped out from behind the barrels, I reached down to pick up an empty clip and saw blood on the floor. I was so afraid it was yours that it took me a minute to realize you hadn’t been standing there - that’s when I figured out I’d been hit.”
“Yeah sure, just like when Rudy tried to cut your thumb off and you decked his thug with the chair, helped baby cop up and were ready to give your statement to the unis - before you even bothered to tell me your thumb was hanging by a thread.” Deaq was a man on a rampage. A small part of his brain tried to tell him he was wrong, but his pent up fear and anger won out.
“I was totally looped! I couldn’t have told you what day it was. I knew what Rudy was going to do to me…on the drive over I could hear Johnny O's description...and while they beat me…and I was sure they were going to do something worse so my mind just turned off.” Van’s voice had gotten softer until he finished just above a whisper. This caught his partner’s attention.
“What could they have done that was worse?” Deaq realized as soon as the words were out of his mouth that he didn’t want to know.
“They were planning on taking turns with me once my thumb was gone. They talked about it while they were beating me -- I knew you were looking for me, but I wasn’t sure you’d find me in time.” Van sat up carefully against the headboard. “Deaq, I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you…You told me I could tell you anything and I’ve finally figured out that you actually mean it. So there's no reason for me to keep anything from you…I needed your help that day and you were there - just like you were in the hospital every time I woke up. I know I don’t have to hide from you, and I won’t.”
Deaq was torn. He heard the sincerity in the voice, and the slight trembling of a man who had just been released from three days too many in the hospital and needed his rest. But his mind kept replaying Van lying on the warehouse floor with his blood running into puddles. “Bullshit,” he roared.
Van pushed himself off the bed and walked out of the room, closing the door softly. He took a blanket from the couch and moved out onto the large patio surrounding the pool. He settled carefully onto a lounge chair, wrapped the blanket tightly around him and lay down. He did not try to brush away the tears as they fell.
Deaq threw several pillows and a pile of books at the opposite wall, but it didn’t solve his problem. He had just pushed away the one person he loved. The person he had worked so hard to convince that he, Deaqon Hayes, was not like all the others who had hurt him. He walked out into the living room and was startled when he didn’t find Van on the couch. The two other bedrooms were empty as well.
“Oh God, what have I done?” He whispered as he grabbed his car keys and headed out. He drove around for three hours but couldn’t find his partner. He tried his place, the Candy Store, even Aquarius’, but no one had seen Van. He returned to the apartment and fell asleep after sitting down on the bed to think where else to look. He woke two hours later and walked into the kitchen to get some coffee and saw something amiss on the patio. He had to catch himself when he pulled back the blanket and found Van on the lounge chair. “Thank you,” he uttered softly “thank you.”
He sat beside Van and waited for him to wake. When Deaq saw Van starting to move, he whispered softly, “Van, I’m sorry, please baby, let me help you back to bed. You need your rest.”
The green eyes were heavy with sadness. “We need to talk.”
“Not now, Van. You just got out of the hospital. We can talk about it later.”
“No. We have a problem, and we’re going to work it out right now.” The voice was adamant although Deaq would have sworn he saw a bolt of fear flash across the eyes.
“Van, I’m just a little stressed out. I lost my temper and I’m sorry.”
“There’s more to it than that and we both know it. Why would you think I would lie to you about being hurt? I’ve never lied to you. You may not always like what I have to say, but I’ve never lied.”
“It’s not about that.”
Van interrupted “That's what you were yelling about - that I was intentionally misleading you - not only the other day but with Rudy too. Why would I do that?”
“I don’t want you trying to protect me,” Deaq said, “if something is wrong I need to know.”
“You haven’t listened to one word I said!” Van yelled coming up off the lounge chair to start pacing. “I’m not trying to hide anything from you. And you really don’t want to go down this road since you’re the one that isn’t always up front about things.”
“What the hell are you trying to say?”
“You lied to me about Rosario.”
“V, I didn't mean what I said...the dream just really freaked me out." He desperately tried to change the subject.
“But that dream was about how you really feel. And if you believe that I would lie to you about anything, especially something as serious as being hit, this isn’t going to work.” He turned away from his partner and moved to edge of the pool, staring out at the ocean.
“Don’t say that,” Deaq begged, suddenly afraid, “I know you don’t mean it.”
“I do. I can’t have the kind of relationship I want - that we both deserve - if you don’t believe me. So it’s better to end this now and go back to just being work partners.”
“Van, I was sure I was going to lose you when I found you on the ground bleeding out in that warehouse. And I was so angry at myself for not noticing you’d been hit. I’m your partner and I’m supposed to notice the smallest thing - in our job it can mean the difference between life and death - and yet I walked away and left you bleeding on the floor. What kind of man does that make me?” He was pleading and he knew it, but he realized from the set of Van’s shoulders and his tone that he was ready to walk away, and he was going to do everything in his power to change his mind, even if it meant baring his soul.
“I know that you would do anything for me - even die if that’s what it took. I know that in here,” he said pointing to his heart. “And I know a thing or two about being scared. Do you have any idea how I felt when you called to tell me Alton had changed the deal? I knew you were in serious trouble, and I had no idea where you were or even where to start looking. I stopped breathing until I saw you in the casino and it registered that you were still standing.
“Part of loving each other means dealing with things as they happen and then letting them go - not dwelling on them. I don’t know of any other way to deal with the facts of our job. If it’s going to drive you over the edge every time something might or could have gone wrong, we can’t do this.”
“Van!”
“Deaq, life’s too short. If you’re going to spend your time on the what ifs, instead of the here and now, then I don't want to do this. Much as I love you, I won’t stand by and let your inability to focus on us, alive and happy, as opposed to the what if he gets hurt, what if he had died, tear us apart. I want to spend our time enjoying what we have. I never thought it was possible to feel the way I do, let alone find someone who felt the same way about me - and I would give just about anything not to let it go. But if it’s going to make you miserable and unhappy, then it isn’t worth it.”
Deaq was beside himself. “I can’t believe you are just going to throw this - us - away.”
Van turned from the water, and Deaq caught his breath at the pain in those big green eyes. “You’re not giving me any other option.” The voice was both soft and sad.
“I left you sitting in your own blood. Do you know how long you could have laid there if Billie hadn’t asked about you? Do you? You could have bled out in that warehouse.”
“But I didn’t. And remember, you got to me before Rudy could finish what he started."
Deaq looked at the green eyes and he wanted to throw up. He couldn't believe he kept forcing the man to revisit that horrible day. He reached out to cup his cheek and winced when Van moved away from the touch.
“What is it you want from me, Van?” Deaq asked.
“I want you here in the present with me.” Van stepped back to his partner and cradled the face he loved in both hands. “Please.”
“I’m not sure I know how,” Deaq finally said as he gazed into those large green eyes.
“You have to trust me, trust in us. I want to enjoy every second we have together. We can’t control what’s going to happen tomorrow, but we have control over right here, right now. Don’t waste time worrying about what might have been or what might go wrong, love me now. That way, no matter what happens, there will be no regrets. We will have loved each other the best we know how. Could you do that for me, Deaqon?”
“Van…?”
“It’ll be alright Deaq. You’ll see.” The warmth of the smile and the love he saw in those eyes was too much for the bigger man, he knew he had to let go of his fear or he would lose the precious gift being offered.
“I’ll try Van, I promise.”
Van’s smile grew bigger as he pulled his partner to
him. “That’s all I ask baby.”
Author: Ice Bear
Fandom: Fastlane
Warning: m/m
Summary: Deaq and Van struggle with their relationship after a bust goes bad.
Disclaimer: All things related to Fastlane belong to others. I borrow the boys solely for my own entertainment purposes.
The bust had gone bad quickly. Not because anyone figured out they were cops - but because somebody else decided they wanted the drugs. One moment Deaq had been opening up a briefcase full of money, and the next he was shoved none too gently to the floor by his partner as gunfire filled the air.
Van had caught the uneasy looks on the faces of the two ‘bouncer boys’ who had a view of the entrance behind him, and when he saw one reach for his gun he had pounced on his partner, not sure what was about to go down but knowing it wasn’t going to be good.
Before his forward motion stopped, he had his gun out laying down fire to give them time to find cover. Deaq followed suit and together they made it behind some barrels off to their right. “What the hell?” Deaq asked as he fought to catch his breath.
“Not sure. I saw Tweedle Dumb reach for his gun after he caught sight of something he didn’t like behind us- and it couldn’t have been our guys cause the exchange hadn’t happened yet,” Van whispered back between shots, his voice high and tight. “To tell you the truth, I have no idea who I'm supposed to be shooting at."
Deaq took at quick look around - anyone coming up from behind would make a lot of noise and there was, thankfully, no overhead balcony or catwalk in the cavernous room so they couldn’t be taken from above. “I think we should stay put - Billie and the boys will come get us - and here we just have to defend our front and the left.”
“Okay by me. Billie if you can still hear us (they were both wired) we're to the right of the main door, approximately 15 yards back behind a series of blue and yellow metal barrels. Please remind your team that we’re on your side this time. Deaq, you need to take a few shots, I have to reload,” Van said, his eyes still on the battle raging in front of them.
Deaq popped up, firing carefully, as Van squatted behind the barrels and changed clips. He nudged Deaq when he was ready, and they changed positions. This allowed them to keep an eye both on the front as well as to their left flank.
When they finally heard Billie yell, “LAPD, the place is surrounded, everybody down on the ground,” they exchanged a grin. The gunfire intensified for several minutes as the SWAT team moved swiftly into the room and began taking down those who would not surrender. Deaq and Van kept a watchful eye out as their black clad teammates swept the warehouse.
Once the all clear had been given, Deaq stepped slowly into the open and headed toward their boss. “What the hell happened?” she yelled.
“Don’t know for sure - who are those guys?” He responded, gesturing toward two dead men in jeans and t-shirts. “They definitely weren’t on the invitation list.”
“Where’s Van?” Billie asked, as her eyes swept the area again.
“Hey Van, boss wants you.” Deaq called, his mind still worrying over the two bodies. When his partner didn’t materialize he moved back toward the barrels. “Yo V, you taking a nap or something?”
“Deaq, I…I need a little help here.”
There was something in the tone that made Deaq quicken his pace. What he found when he got behind the barrels stopped him short. Van lay propped up against a barrel, both hands plastered on top of a pool of blood emanating from the left side of his chest. “Get an ambulance,” he yelled as he dropped to his knees beside his partner.
“Baby,” he whispered as he reached a hand out to cup the side of Van’s face.
“Sorry Deaq, guess I zigged when I should’ve zagged,” Van whispered, the grin he was going for lost in a grimace of pain.
“When’d you get hit?” He asked as he gently removed his partner’s hands and replaced them with his own. “I need that ambulance now!” he bellowed.
“Don't know, must have been before we made it to the barrels.” Van’s breathing was becoming erratic, and his green eyes sought reassurance.
“I got you baby, not to worry. Just need you to slow down your breathing a little. Can you do that for me?” Deaq kept his voice calm, even though he was beyond scared. Van was getting paler by the second, and he could literally feel his partner’s life blood slipping through his hands as he pushed down harder on the wound.
“Don’t look so worried Deaq,” Van said slowly as he fought to catch his breath, “I’m not going anywhere.” He was trying hard not to give into the pain and pass out. He didn’t want to add to the look of fear on his partner's face.
“You’d better not be,” Deaq said gruffly, “I finally got you trained.”
“Yeah, like that could happen,” Van responded swatting wearily in his partner’s direction.
“Baby, don’t leave me, please.” Deaq leaned in and whispered in Van’s ear just before the medics pushed him aside. He sat back on the floor alternating his look between his partner and the bloody hands in his lap. He couldn’t begin to understand how he had missed the fact that Van had been shot. Granted, the black shirt Van was wearing didn’t show the blood, but he should have noticed something.
Billie stopped for a moment to look at her two men. Van had finally given into the pain and was unconscious. Deaq looked so lost sitting back against a barrel, staring at his blood covered hands, she was afraid he was going into shock. She stepped over to his side and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Come on Deaq, let’s get you outside and cleaned up a little - don’t want Van to see you covered with blood - you know how he gets when you get your clothes dirty.” She kept her voice light as she reached to help him up. When he looked like he was going to argue she continued, “I don’t want him to come to in the ambulance and see you with all this blood - he'll think its’ yours. I’ll have you cleaned up before they’re ready to move him, not to worry.”
Van roused briefly in the ER and asked for his partner. The doctor tried to ignore the request, but the injured man was insistent. A nurse came out and found Deaq who followed her silently into the small trauma room.
“V, why you giving the doc here such a hard time?” Deaq teased softly as he squatted at eye level beside the table.
“Couldn’t…couldn’t remember…needed to make sure you were okay.” Van panted softly, his green eyes pinned on his partner.
“I’m not the one who lost at dodge the bullet. Going to have to put in some serious training time with you on that one, man.” Deaq placed his hand on the pale cheek, and the patient sighed as he leaned into it.
“You need to call your mom and cancel dinner. Don’t want her going to all that trouble…”
“Yeah, I’ll take care of it. But don’t think this gets you out of that gig permanently…” he smiled warmly into the green eyes.
“Don’t want to get out of it. Just don’t know if she’ll make chocolate cake twice…” he managed a small smile.
“I don’t think you have to worry about that partner. Just concentrate on getting better, okay. The doc says he won’t do too much rearranging, so if you behave and do what he says, I should be able to spring you in a day or two.” The doctor motioned for him to leave but Deaq wasn’t sure he could pull himself away. “I got to go now. They’re ready to take you up to the OR. Just remember I’ll be waiting for ya, so don’t think you can…” He couldn’t continue.
“You can’t get rid of me that easy. Besides, I need a new shirt, and I know how much you love shopping with me,” Van tried to ease the concern on the face before him. “I love you, Deaqon.”
“I love you too Van, and I’ll be waiting,” he wasn’t sure his partner had heard him as the eyes closed before he finished. “Don’t you dare leave me, partner,” he whispered as he leaned closer and placed a kiss on the pale cheek.
Before moving up to the OR waiting room, Deaq went out into the parking lot so he could use his phone. “Hey Mom,” he choked as he heard his mother’s voice.
“Deaqon, what’s wrong?” she asked immediately, her tone bringing her husband to her side.
“Can’t…not going to make dinner tonight,” Deaq couldn’t find the words to finish his thought as he stood facing a corner of the building so no one could see his tears.
“Baby, tell me what’s wrong,” his mother crooned gently.
“Van he’s…the bust got messed up…”
“Deaqon, where are you,” Mr. Hayes asked as he picked up the other extension.
“Memorial Hospital.”
“We’ll be there in 20 minutes. Where can we find you?”
“OR waiting room, 4th floor.”
“You just hold on son, we’ll be there as fast as we can.” Mrs. Hayes said before hanging up. “Linc you don’t think…” she couldn’t finish.
“I don’t know, but if Van’s in surgery it means there’s still hope, and our son needs someone to remind him of that, let’s go.”
Deaq moved into his mother’s embrace when they found him 30 minutes later. She held him tightly while Mr. Hayes went to talk with Billie. Once he had the story he moved back to his son’s side. “Deaqon, let’s sit down over here.” Mr. Hayes led his family to an empty corner and squatted in front of his son. “The Lt. told me what happened. She said the doctor’s confident that Van will be okay. You need to hold onto that right now son.”
“Dad…you didn’t see him …there was so much blood,” Deaq stopped and shook his head. “I didn’t even know he was hit…”
“You really don’t think Van is just going to give up do you? That simply isn’t in his DNA. You know that up here,” he said tapping his son’s head, “so get your heart in gear with your brain. He needs you to be thinking positive right now.”
“Your father is right, Deaqon. They don’t come any tougher than your partner. And considering all the things he’s overcome, I don’t believe he’s going to let a bullet stop him. Especially when he knows you’re waiting for him.”
That brought Deaqon’s head up. “What? How did…”
“We’re a little slow son, but we’re not blind. That man in there loves you with all he’s got. And according to your mother - who I might add is never wrong - you feel the same way about him. Isn’t that what you were planning on telling us at dinner tonight?”
“Yeah, but.” Deaq was thoroughly confused. “You’re not upset?”
“Should we be?” His mother replied with a smile.
“We won’t be giving you any grandkids,” was the first thing he could think to say, and that earned him a laugh from both parents.
“I think we can handle that son, as long as you’re happy. And Van makes you happy.” Mr. Hayes answered once he stopped laughing. “Now why don’t you and I go get your mother and Lt. Chambers a cup of coffee. I know I could use one.”
Deaq felt his father’s steadying hand on his back three hours later when the doctor appeared, and told them that Van was going to be fine. He was sure if his father’s arm hadn’t pulled him into a hug that he would have fallen to his knees in relief. When he was finally allowed into the patient’s room, he pulled a chair up to the bed side, but before sitting he moved his hand softly over the still too pale face and stroked a cheek with his thumb. “Damn Van, you really could give a guy a little warning next time you decide to play catch with a bullet. Scared me bad, baby,” he finished as he grabbed hold of his partner’s hand.
It was almost sunrise when Deaq realized the patient was moving. He gingerly stood up and stretched his back before placing a hand on each shoulder. “Hey V, you need to stay still. Everything’s okay, but doc says you’re gonna be pretty sore for a few days.” He was rewarded with a hint of green as the eyes slowly fought their way open. “Good morning baby, how ya feeling?”
“Deeaaaqqq,” it came out almost in the form of a question as he tried to get his brain around the fact that his partner was staring down at him as opposed to being beside him in bed.
“Right here baby. Everything’s okay.”
“Where?”
“The hospital. Bust went south, remember?”
“Oh.” The eyes focused more firmly on the face in front of him. “Okay?”
“Yeah baby, now that I know you are.” Van went back to sleep.
Deaq returned to the chair and followed his partner’s lead.
Mr. and Mrs. Hayes came to visit that afternoon and found their son arguing with his partner. “Boys,” Mrs. Hayes interrupted, “what’s with all the shouting?” The two men looked at each other and then at Deaq’s mother. “Mom” “Mrs H” both said at the same time.
“Is there a problem?” Mr. Hayes asked.
“No,” Van said, “except that your stubborn son won’t go home. Seems he doesn’t think I'm capable of staying out of trouble long enough for him to take a shower and a nap.” Van sounded appropriately put out, and Mrs. Hayes had to turn her head to hide the smile the petulant tone brought out.
“Well, I think we can solve that one for you,” Mr. Hayes said smiling at his wife.
“He’s going to agree with me.” Deaq crowed, hands on hips.
“Why don’t you go home with your mother for a few hours, and I’ll stay here with Van.”
“I don’t need a babysitter,” and “I can’t believe you’re taking his side” came out at the same time. Both Hayes started to laugh, earning them a dirty look from their son and finally a chuckle from the patient.
“I think that’s a great idea, sir.” Van said, smiling sweetly up at his partner.
“You are so going to pay for this,” Deaq threatened although his smile took the sting out of the words. “Alright Dad, if you’re sure you want to be stuck with this monster for a few hours. Mom, did you get around to making your famous triple layer chocolate cake?”
“You wouldn’t!” Van gasped out.
“Think maybe I could have a couple of pieces after my nap?”
“Of course son.”
“Fine,” Van said, a pout prominent on his face, “leave me trapped here and run off and eat. Guess I know where I rate with you.” He turned his face away from his partner, but not before the Hayes’ caught his grin.
“Van, geeze you’re the one who’s kicking me out.” Deaq’s hands flipped up in a gesture of surrender. “V, come on man, I didn’t mean…” Van turned back to his partner and his smile gave him away. “Why you little…”
“Careful Deaqon you’re mother’s in the room,” Mr. Hayes said.
“I give up! You”, Deaq said leaning over his partner “behave for my dad.” He kissed him gently and laughed at the blush his action brought forth.
Van reached up and pulled him down by his shirt so they were forehead to forehead “You just, you kissed me in front of your parents,” he squeaked, clearly freaked.
Deaq kissed him again. “Forgot to tell you, they figured it out all by themselves.”
“And they’re not mad?” Van asked.
“Mom, Dad, you mad about the fact that I love this long haired, slightly demented, white boy?” Deaq asked, enjoying the look of complete and utter horror now painted on his partner’s face.
“Deaqon, stop torturing the poor boy,” Mrs. Hayes ordered as she stepped up to the side of the bed. “Donovan Ray, should we be mad?”
He blushed a dark red that had everyone in the room roaring. “No ma’am, I…it’s just…”
Mrs. Hayes took pity on the patient. She leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. “I’m just happy my thick headed son finally figured out he had the real thing right in front of him. I couldn’t be happier.”
“I’ll take good care of him, I promise,” Van said so only she could hear.
“I know you will baby boy. Now you get some rest, and when I bring Deaqon back, I’ll sneak you in some cake. How would that be?”
“Thanks Mrs. H.”
“You might as well call me mom, that’s what all my sons-in-law call me,” and she smiled when she was rewarded with another blush.
After a shower, four hours of sleep and two large pieces of cake, Deaq was on his way back to the hospital with his mother. “Mom?”
“What is it Deaqon?”
“You sure you’re really okay about…with Van and me?”
“Absolutely. Are you?”
“What, of course I am. What kind of question is that?” The long arms wrapped around his chest.
“I saw the way Van looks at you Deaq. I just want to make sure you understand what this will do to him if you change your mind.”
“Do to him? Glad you’re worried about him! Have you stopped to figure out what I’m going to do when he comes to his senses and realizes he can do so much better then me?” He has not amused that his deepest fear was met with laughter.
“Oh Deaqon. Van is in this for the long haul. Dre used to worry that Van would never find someone to love - let me rephrase that, he worried that Van had been hurt so many times that he would never let himself trust anyone enough to love them. Van’s trust in you is…is unshakeable. It has been from the start. It’s like he knew…”
“Mom, you don’t understand. My relationship skills aren’t that good - hell their nonexistent. I spent nine years in New York on my own, alone. I don’t know what I’m doing here - I’m playing this all by ear!”
“And if the look your partner gave you today is any indication, you’re doing just fine.”
“You don’t understand.”
“When we walk into that hospital room, I want you to look - really look - at Van.” She held one hand off the wheel to stop the interruption. “Just take a really good look. If you still don’t get it, we’ll talk some more.”
Deaq hung back as his mother walked into the room. He stayed just outside the door watching. Van’s face lit up when he saw Mrs. Hayes, but his eyes strayed immediately behind her when he didn’t see his partner. “Hey V, I trust you behaved yourself.” The green eyes immediately hooked on his and the light and the warmth they carried hit him hard. His mother was right, he thought as he shook his head slightly, before stooping over and giving a gentle kiss to the man he loved.
They were home, finally, after three days in the hospital. Van had gotten increasingly fussy as he was forced to stay in bed. In the past Deaq had been known to break him out, but not this time. He had been too scared, and wanted to make sure the doctor said it was okay before he took Van home.
Van hated hospitals. Deaq knew there was a history behind it, but wasn’t sure he was ready to hear it. He had learned over time that when his usually easy going partner disliked something, it tended to be the result of a painful episode somewhere in his past. But they were home now, and once they got situated in bed - Van insisting they change sides for a few days so he could lay on his side and still see Deaq - they both breathed a sigh of contentment.
Deaq had a nightmare that night - Van was standing in front of him, bleeding profusely from several bullet wounds, but was insisting he was fine. He was screaming when Van finally got through to him. He was shaking and flinched away from the comfort Van tried to offer. Deaq started pacing the length of the room, ignoring his partner. Van lay back down slowly, his eyes focused on the ceiling.
Deaq’s pacing eventually slowed and his eyes focused on the bed. Van was still staring at the ceiling and that brought Deaq up short. “Van?”
“Don’t even think about getting back in this bed till you tell me what the hell is going on in that head of yours!” Van ordered his eyes still tight on the ceiling. He was trying desperately to keep the tears at bay. Deaq had never rejected his touch before, and he had no idea how to deal with it.
“V, come on man.”
“No. You need to tell me what the problem is.” The voice was still hard, and Deaq couldn’t see the eyes so he couldn’t gauge the depth of the problem.
“Just had a nightmare man, not a big deal. Not like you've never had one.” Deaq could have kicked himself. That was unfair, and he knew it. Van had suppressed a lot of hurt over the years and sometimes those hurts bubbled out in the form of screaming nightmares that left Deaq holding Van tightly until morning.
“You never have nightmares so it is a big deal. And clearly, it had something to do with me - you were screaming at me before you woke up, so tell me.”
Deaq’s head dropped. “You were standing in front of me in the warehouse, blood from four or five bullet wounds streaming down your chest. I ask if you're okay and you tell me you’re just fine.”
The shaggy head turned to look at him - the green eyes hidden in the shadows of the room. “I swear to God I didn’t know I’d been hit - didn’t even feel anything until the SWAT team leader cleared the scene. I would have told you Deaq.”
“Like hell, how could you not know you’d been hit!” Deaq yelled, the pain and fear of those long hours of not knowing what would happen to his partner finally coming out.
“I was running on adrenaline - - it just never --when you stepped out from behind the barrels, I reached down to pick up an empty clip and saw blood on the floor. I was so afraid it was yours that it took me a minute to realize you hadn’t been standing there - that’s when I figured out I’d been hit.”
“Yeah sure, just like when Rudy tried to cut your thumb off and you decked his thug with the chair, helped baby cop up and were ready to give your statement to the unis - before you even bothered to tell me your thumb was hanging by a thread.” Deaq was a man on a rampage. A small part of his brain tried to tell him he was wrong, but his pent up fear and anger won out.
“I was totally looped! I couldn’t have told you what day it was. I knew what Rudy was going to do to me…on the drive over I could hear Johnny O's description...and while they beat me…and I was sure they were going to do something worse so my mind just turned off.” Van’s voice had gotten softer until he finished just above a whisper. This caught his partner’s attention.
“What could they have done that was worse?” Deaq realized as soon as the words were out of his mouth that he didn’t want to know.
“They were planning on taking turns with me once my thumb was gone. They talked about it while they were beating me -- I knew you were looking for me, but I wasn’t sure you’d find me in time.” Van sat up carefully against the headboard. “Deaq, I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you…You told me I could tell you anything and I’ve finally figured out that you actually mean it. So there's no reason for me to keep anything from you…I needed your help that day and you were there - just like you were in the hospital every time I woke up. I know I don’t have to hide from you, and I won’t.”
Deaq was torn. He heard the sincerity in the voice, and the slight trembling of a man who had just been released from three days too many in the hospital and needed his rest. But his mind kept replaying Van lying on the warehouse floor with his blood running into puddles. “Bullshit,” he roared.
Van pushed himself off the bed and walked out of the room, closing the door softly. He took a blanket from the couch and moved out onto the large patio surrounding the pool. He settled carefully onto a lounge chair, wrapped the blanket tightly around him and lay down. He did not try to brush away the tears as they fell.
Deaq threw several pillows and a pile of books at the opposite wall, but it didn’t solve his problem. He had just pushed away the one person he loved. The person he had worked so hard to convince that he, Deaqon Hayes, was not like all the others who had hurt him. He walked out into the living room and was startled when he didn’t find Van on the couch. The two other bedrooms were empty as well.
“Oh God, what have I done?” He whispered as he grabbed his car keys and headed out. He drove around for three hours but couldn’t find his partner. He tried his place, the Candy Store, even Aquarius’, but no one had seen Van. He returned to the apartment and fell asleep after sitting down on the bed to think where else to look. He woke two hours later and walked into the kitchen to get some coffee and saw something amiss on the patio. He had to catch himself when he pulled back the blanket and found Van on the lounge chair. “Thank you,” he uttered softly “thank you.”
He sat beside Van and waited for him to wake. When Deaq saw Van starting to move, he whispered softly, “Van, I’m sorry, please baby, let me help you back to bed. You need your rest.”
The green eyes were heavy with sadness. “We need to talk.”
“Not now, Van. You just got out of the hospital. We can talk about it later.”
“No. We have a problem, and we’re going to work it out right now.” The voice was adamant although Deaq would have sworn he saw a bolt of fear flash across the eyes.
“Van, I’m just a little stressed out. I lost my temper and I’m sorry.”
“There’s more to it than that and we both know it. Why would you think I would lie to you about being hurt? I’ve never lied to you. You may not always like what I have to say, but I’ve never lied.”
“It’s not about that.”
Van interrupted “That's what you were yelling about - that I was intentionally misleading you - not only the other day but with Rudy too. Why would I do that?”
“I don’t want you trying to protect me,” Deaq said, “if something is wrong I need to know.”
“You haven’t listened to one word I said!” Van yelled coming up off the lounge chair to start pacing. “I’m not trying to hide anything from you. And you really don’t want to go down this road since you’re the one that isn’t always up front about things.”
“What the hell are you trying to say?”
“You lied to me about Rosario.”
“V, I didn't mean what I said...the dream just really freaked me out." He desperately tried to change the subject.
“But that dream was about how you really feel. And if you believe that I would lie to you about anything, especially something as serious as being hit, this isn’t going to work.” He turned away from his partner and moved to edge of the pool, staring out at the ocean.
“Don’t say that,” Deaq begged, suddenly afraid, “I know you don’t mean it.”
“I do. I can’t have the kind of relationship I want - that we both deserve - if you don’t believe me. So it’s better to end this now and go back to just being work partners.”
“Van, I was sure I was going to lose you when I found you on the ground bleeding out in that warehouse. And I was so angry at myself for not noticing you’d been hit. I’m your partner and I’m supposed to notice the smallest thing - in our job it can mean the difference between life and death - and yet I walked away and left you bleeding on the floor. What kind of man does that make me?” He was pleading and he knew it, but he realized from the set of Van’s shoulders and his tone that he was ready to walk away, and he was going to do everything in his power to change his mind, even if it meant baring his soul.
“I know that you would do anything for me - even die if that’s what it took. I know that in here,” he said pointing to his heart. “And I know a thing or two about being scared. Do you have any idea how I felt when you called to tell me Alton had changed the deal? I knew you were in serious trouble, and I had no idea where you were or even where to start looking. I stopped breathing until I saw you in the casino and it registered that you were still standing.
“Part of loving each other means dealing with things as they happen and then letting them go - not dwelling on them. I don’t know of any other way to deal with the facts of our job. If it’s going to drive you over the edge every time something might or could have gone wrong, we can’t do this.”
“Van!”
“Deaq, life’s too short. If you’re going to spend your time on the what ifs, instead of the here and now, then I don't want to do this. Much as I love you, I won’t stand by and let your inability to focus on us, alive and happy, as opposed to the what if he gets hurt, what if he had died, tear us apart. I want to spend our time enjoying what we have. I never thought it was possible to feel the way I do, let alone find someone who felt the same way about me - and I would give just about anything not to let it go. But if it’s going to make you miserable and unhappy, then it isn’t worth it.”
Deaq was beside himself. “I can’t believe you are just going to throw this - us - away.”
Van turned from the water, and Deaq caught his breath at the pain in those big green eyes. “You’re not giving me any other option.” The voice was both soft and sad.
“I left you sitting in your own blood. Do you know how long you could have laid there if Billie hadn’t asked about you? Do you? You could have bled out in that warehouse.”
“But I didn’t. And remember, you got to me before Rudy could finish what he started."
Deaq looked at the green eyes and he wanted to throw up. He couldn't believe he kept forcing the man to revisit that horrible day. He reached out to cup his cheek and winced when Van moved away from the touch.
“What is it you want from me, Van?” Deaq asked.
“I want you here in the present with me.” Van stepped back to his partner and cradled the face he loved in both hands. “Please.”
“I’m not sure I know how,” Deaq finally said as he gazed into those large green eyes.
“You have to trust me, trust in us. I want to enjoy every second we have together. We can’t control what’s going to happen tomorrow, but we have control over right here, right now. Don’t waste time worrying about what might have been or what might go wrong, love me now. That way, no matter what happens, there will be no regrets. We will have loved each other the best we know how. Could you do that for me, Deaqon?”
“Van…?”
“It’ll be alright Deaq. You’ll see.” The warmth of the smile and the love he saw in those eyes was too much for the bigger man, he knew he had to let go of his fear or he would lose the precious gift being offered.
“I’ll try Van, I promise.”
Van’s smile grew bigger as he pulled his partner to
him. “That’s all I ask baby.”