Not really sure what I'm talking about here . . .
So . . . its late at night, I'm lonely and pathetic . . . So, I do what every sad, self-absorbed, nearly-thrity-year-old would do: make an LJ post.
Most of the things that I mentioned being frightened of in my last post turned out okay. However, the resolution of those things has created another set of fears.
As mentioned, I'm lonely. Very much so. Thankfully, it comes in bouts. So, I can usually manage to get sleep. I'm not really certain how to remedy this situation. I have no faith in myself and whatever charms I might have in attracting someone to be with. So, that pretty much eliminates the possibility of me just walking up to someone and putting them into a swoon with a conversation or my physical attributes. Besides, like it or not, its one specific type of person I feel lonely for and that kind of person is not good for me. It never is, really. I don't know if there is anything I can do to change that pattern and, to be completely honest, I don't think I much care anymore. I feel my age creeping up on me and my hair falling away and that makes me aware of the things I don't have in my life. I know people are going to say, "STFU! You're not old!" well . . . maybe you are right, in the sense of how most people live to around 70 now. However, I look around me and am surrounded by friends who have gotten married, started families, have something greater than them to cling to when the nights grow cold, and (when it comes to that) someone to hold and hold them. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me that these things haven't happen for me, not for lack of trying.
Then again, things always look better from the outside. And that includes the relationships that didn't work. I'm looking back on all of them, and its hard to be honest with myself about them. I KNOW there were things that made them beyond fixing and that I was not the sole culprit in fucking things up; but, it is hard to see those things when I feel like this. I only see the idealized version. I see the cuddling and laughter, her barely audible snore, the way his foot twitched in the night, the way her cynicism always made me giggle, the way she looked when she was making art, the way her hand fit in mine, the way he smelled when I nuzzled against him, the way she took care of me when I couldn't do it myself, her angry-love when I was doing stupid things that would hurt me and the way she was there to comfort me when it DID hurt, the way she sang with abandon to the songs I never liked . . . you get the picture. I know there were fights and tears and pain; but, its hard to put things in perspective when I get like this. That's part of the problem, I guess.
A friend asked me what I would change in my life if the world was going to end in three years. I said I couldn't think of anything that I would change in any monumental manner. Thinking back on that now, I think my response is terribly depressing. As if I've subconsciously resigned myself to a sad future. The future I see everyday, middle-aged souls using the library computers to desperately find someone on Yahoo Personals who will give them some reason to keep living the sad life they've made for themselves. I see it everyday and it scares me shitless because I feel like just another piece of runoff heading straight for that very same gutter.
I don't want that; but, I don't know how to change. I don't think any of us do. Is it worth trying to change our pathetic patterns or is it better just trying to find something to help us be content with the inevitable? Is trying to change the way we are a Sisyphean task?
I want to believe I can change. I want to believe WE can change. But, the more I look around me, the more I look at my past, the more I look at myself . . . well, the more I feel like I'm losing ground day after day.
I try very hard to hide all these thoughts. I try to smile, I try to make jokes, and I laugh where appropriate. I've become a slave to routine in an effort to avoid these feelings . . . it works maybe 50% of the time. However, I feel like I am fighting the sea and I can't help but think that eventually something will give and the tide will wash over me.
Most of the things that I mentioned being frightened of in my last post turned out okay. However, the resolution of those things has created another set of fears.
As mentioned, I'm lonely. Very much so. Thankfully, it comes in bouts. So, I can usually manage to get sleep. I'm not really certain how to remedy this situation. I have no faith in myself and whatever charms I might have in attracting someone to be with. So, that pretty much eliminates the possibility of me just walking up to someone and putting them into a swoon with a conversation or my physical attributes. Besides, like it or not, its one specific type of person I feel lonely for and that kind of person is not good for me. It never is, really. I don't know if there is anything I can do to change that pattern and, to be completely honest, I don't think I much care anymore. I feel my age creeping up on me and my hair falling away and that makes me aware of the things I don't have in my life. I know people are going to say, "STFU! You're not old!" well . . . maybe you are right, in the sense of how most people live to around 70 now. However, I look around me and am surrounded by friends who have gotten married, started families, have something greater than them to cling to when the nights grow cold, and (when it comes to that) someone to hold and hold them. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me that these things haven't happen for me, not for lack of trying.
Then again, things always look better from the outside. And that includes the relationships that didn't work. I'm looking back on all of them, and its hard to be honest with myself about them. I KNOW there were things that made them beyond fixing and that I was not the sole culprit in fucking things up; but, it is hard to see those things when I feel like this. I only see the idealized version. I see the cuddling and laughter, her barely audible snore, the way his foot twitched in the night, the way her cynicism always made me giggle, the way she looked when she was making art, the way her hand fit in mine, the way he smelled when I nuzzled against him, the way she took care of me when I couldn't do it myself, her angry-love when I was doing stupid things that would hurt me and the way she was there to comfort me when it DID hurt, the way she sang with abandon to the songs I never liked . . . you get the picture. I know there were fights and tears and pain; but, its hard to put things in perspective when I get like this. That's part of the problem, I guess.
A friend asked me what I would change in my life if the world was going to end in three years. I said I couldn't think of anything that I would change in any monumental manner. Thinking back on that now, I think my response is terribly depressing. As if I've subconsciously resigned myself to a sad future. The future I see everyday, middle-aged souls using the library computers to desperately find someone on Yahoo Personals who will give them some reason to keep living the sad life they've made for themselves. I see it everyday and it scares me shitless because I feel like just another piece of runoff heading straight for that very same gutter.
I don't want that; but, I don't know how to change. I don't think any of us do. Is it worth trying to change our pathetic patterns or is it better just trying to find something to help us be content with the inevitable? Is trying to change the way we are a Sisyphean task?
I want to believe I can change. I want to believe WE can change. But, the more I look around me, the more I look at my past, the more I look at myself . . . well, the more I feel like I'm losing ground day after day.
I try very hard to hide all these thoughts. I try to smile, I try to make jokes, and I laugh where appropriate. I've become a slave to routine in an effort to avoid these feelings . . . it works maybe 50% of the time. However, I feel like I am fighting the sea and I can't help but think that eventually something will give and the tide will wash over me.