thinking on screen. random gibberish as always.
I have one semester of school left and I still don't REALLY know what I want to do with my life. I have ideas but there are so many options and nothing is jumping out screaming at me. I also don't have any idea where I will be living which causes me a bit of stress, although I have been denying it. I would like to work at Kennedy Krieger and live with Jess. But how realistic is that? I mean I could probably get a job at KKI maybe not the best job but hopefully I would be able to go to JHU for cheap and get a graduate degree of some kind. I don't really want to live with my father just because of the past and fear of the future. I would be okay with living with my mom except she lives an hour away from Baltimore and that's where I feel I could get the best job and my friends live in PH. Of course if I can get a job in Annapolis or surrounding areas I will live with her. Jess wants me to live with her, but I would also be living with her parents, who are basically like my parents, but it would still be kind of awkward. I wouldn't feel totally at home. And then Ashes wants me to rent the basement of a house that she hasn't bought yet. Which I would love to do but I don't think I could afford it. And that would also be awkward. Living with and unmarried couple and their baby. I love them all to death, but the possibilities of problems scares me. I guess once I find a job I can figure everything else out. Hopefully I can find a job pretty fast.
This semester should be pretty good, maybe not easy, but the classes I am taking are not classes that I have to take, they are all finally classes that I want to take. Plus I only have classes MW and only 2 on F so I can work a lot (both for school and for money) And just in case I have trouble making it through, It is now official that I will be going to Aruba for a week with my two best friends. Im not sure words can express how thrilled I am. I have been asking for a vacation for the last like 4 Christmas's and birthdays. Ill I wanted was a few days to go anywhere other than Maryland. Finally and this is better than I could have imagined! :-)
Okay so apparently its cool to write about writing this week so I'm going to join in. And comment on what I have read. Someone wrote about how they wrote to an audience, even though they were writing in a private journal, wondering who that person is and why they write to someone. I have always done the same thing and always wondered who exactly I was writing to. And really I think its just that I don't know how to write to no one? Is that even possible. I'm pretty sure not. Unless maybe you just write a list, but then thoughts and feelings don't really come across as well. As for who I write to: when i first decided to start writing consistently, I was going through...well rather my parents were going through a custody battle and I was being blamed, and no one I knew had ever been through something like that and my brother hated me and my parents were fucking nuts so I imaged writing to someone who knew what I was going through. And each knew challenge I went through that non existent person changed to someone new who understood. But in reality the act of writing my thoughts gave me the ability to look at things differently and forced me to think about it all. And in the end I was that person who understood. Okay that sounds weird but I don't know how else to explain. Now when I go back and read what I have written in the past, I know that I wrote/write to myself, so Ill never forget the good and then bad and so I can try to understand what I am or was thinking, feeling etc, which leads me to the next topic
Holly thinks that "words are so incredibly, vastly inefficient as far as journaling goes" I think that words are inefficient as a part of daily life. Maybe its because I'm not extremely educated as far as vocabulary goes, but I find it hard to find words to describe things, mainly feelings in conversation as well as journaling. I really do wish there was a way to like hook up your brain to the computer and have "pictures" of the thoughts and feelings of the time and something that could then send those pictures back to the brain...haha yeah scfi, but what if?...I'm not sure if later down the road I would really like to know exactly how I felt for all the entries, but when I go back and I look at shit that I wrote and I'm sitting there reading it thinking what the hell was I thinking...well then I would really know. Or when I just need something to cheer me up I could go back and look at the happy times and FEEL everything. I mean yeah I can go back now, but memories fade and can be altered, you may think it happened one way because of the influence of other peoples perceptions of it but imagine feeling exactly the same way that YOU felt it originally. That would way better than any drug or alcohol! And more importantly for me anyway, I am a visual learner, and I think the idea of having my thoughts and feelings clearly displayed in front of me would make it easier for me to sort through. Ahh the inventions that people need to invent, just like a teleporter, now that would be GENIUS and so freaking helpful.
And the last topic, we now have a black president! I'm still totally undecided about Obama. The man can preach that's for sure, but that's not his job, until he does something I'm gonna be scared. And not because hes black, because hes young and inexperienced. I don't doubt his intelligence but I doubt his ability to handle this job. I am excited that I was able to witness history and I honestly didn't think I would see this until I was older, although I knew I would see it. I also thought I would have a seen a woman first. America never fails to amaze me. And I am very proud to be part of this amazing country. I just hope that it continues to be an amazing country. And uh that we get out of this money mess and I can get a good job when I graduate! :-)
"the quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth"
This is my last night here by myself! I get to go home tomorrow and when I come back the roommies will be here, finally some noise and company...two new roommies but that's okay at least I wont be alone, and hopefully they'll be cool kids.